Frustration

Evening, well today has had some highs and some lows.

Stewart managed to get through till 6am this morning without any extra pain relief which was brilliant and after a very hectic morning which saw Gemma being late for school and the phone ringing off the hook, I got to the hospital just after 10am. I took Stewart down for his radiography and then we both went back to the ward and dozed for an hour or so. We had the meeting booked today to meet the consultant in charge of the chemo and we were to be in clinic at 3.15pm. Well that was a joke, we didnt get in to see her until after 5pm, which meant stewart had sat on a hard chair for 2 hours which meant the pain was returning. To top it all, the fact we were late in meant he missed his dinner on the ward - not much use when he is losing weight right before my eyes. To say I was angry was an understatement.

However, the blood test results were optomistic and he starts chemo next friday.

We went back to the ward and we managed to have time to chat today. Stewart spent a lot of time talking about things, which although made him cry, was really positive. We closed the curtains and just talked whilst I gave him a foot massage. He is such an amazingly strong man and I am in awe of his courage. He gave me so much tonight, affirming his love for me and telling me that he loved me. I know it is a sad time, but this was wonderful. I obviously told him how much he means to me and that he is and always will be the love of my life.

It hadn't been a good day for me, I had felt so down throughout the day but I left the hospital with warmth in my heart. I just don't know how I will live my life without him by my side. He is and always has been my rock, my inspiration and I can't imagine waking up without him in my life.

I had also spoken to one of our wonderful social workers at the local jewish welfare board who talked me through everything I am doing with the kids. We decided it was time that Gemma knew the truth as it is bound to come out in the playground soon. So when I came home, I sat her down and had to tell her that her daddy wasn't going to get better. I explained as much as I think she could understand and to see her little face crumple was so hard, it broke my heart. Jamie, being the wonder that he is, came in and just held her in his arms whilst she sobbed and then held me too. What did i do to be lucky enough to get such a wonderful son.

Just before she went to bed, Gemma came in and said "thank you mummy". I asked her what for and she replied "for telling me about daddy so that I can hug him lots". My poor baby, why oh why does she have to go through this, why do all my babies have to go through this, it is so unfair.

I also had to tell the kids that we have found a long term foster home for Harley, our dog. He is a huge lump of a puppy golden retriever and I love him so much but with Stewart having chemo and being open to infection, I know that along with the fact he is boisterous and noisy which is too much for Stewart to cope with, that we need to find him somewhere to live. A wonderful couple who bought one of Harley's sisters is going to long term foster him and if he settles in they have said that if we wish to rehome him, they will take him. He will green fields and long walks and rides on boats so a wonderful life lays ahead of him. How I will say goodbye I don't know but I do know that I have to, for everyone's sakes. Once he has settled there and I hope is there for a while, because that will mean Stewart is here, it would be unfair to bring him home somewhere where he won't have that sort of life.

So today has been a day of mixed emotions. I am back at the hospital tomorrow morning to take Stewart to his fourth radiotherapy and then to take him to St Gemma's Hospice. However, his notes and medicines must travel seperately by taxi - it's hospital policy. No wonder the NHS is in such a mess.