Peace and calm

Sorry for not updating last night but having had a very up and down day yesterday, with Stewart's eye not being good, going to radiotherapy, coming back and dealing with the mortgage company and car company, then a long afternoon with visitors and running the kids around, I am sat here, in St Gemma's updating this.

It was lovely that the boys walked from the bus yesterday after school and had tea with us, Gemma having gone to friends, although they popped in to see us after school. I managed to have a bit of me time, and visited Ruth for a cup of tea after I left Stewart last night and Lindsay popped in and we talked and laughed with no tears at all, which was nice.

Today I was back here after dropping Gemma off at school, actually I arrived and had to turn round immediately to pick up the stuff I'd left on the kitchen table. I had planned on working today but it has been a busy day. Our friend, Tracy, came in (she is a medium) and talked to Stewart and answered some of his questions of what happens when you die. It is amazing how much calmer he is and at peace with it, knowing that he will still be him and that his Dad is waiting for him with the olive branch out. I am not sure how I feel, it is hard to let go of the feelings I have about his Dad but those are feelings I will keep to myself. Tracy then spent an hour with me supporting me and talking to me.

My brother and Bev have visited along with Stewart's mother again and his brothers have both rung too which I think he finds comforting.

He is laid on the bed watching telly whilst I sit here, waiting for the social worker to come in and help me fill in the many forms that need doing!!!!!

I am not sure how I am at the moment, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is like a gnawing pain that won't go away. My stomach flips when I think of the next months to come but outwardly I am coping. As always the kids are amazing and my love for them and for Stewart is growing by the second.

I might be back on later tonight, it will depend how my meeting goes with my boss from work regarding the time off I am taking - he has assured me they are not sacking me but it will depend if they can continue to pay me when I am off or not as to the next decision that I will have to make cos if they can't cover my wages I may well have to give up the job.