4 tilted heads, 3 clergy and some wonderful friends

Ok, not an original title but it sums up yesterday so well.

Yesterday started well, with Stewart answering his phone in a happy and boyant mood. I visited him in the morning before going to work and he'd eaten a good sized breakfast and we decided that he should have a restful morning with no visitors whilst I was out.

I managed 3 hours at work without crying which I thought was pretty good but a question did arise, why when people see you do they talk to you with tilted heads. They come up to you, put their head to one side and say "how are you" or "I am sorry". I don't mind them talking to me, but why the tilted head. It's got to the point that now I've noticed it, it is more obvious and unfortunately, having giggled with a friend about it, it is more obvious. In fact I regularly update my friend, Debra, on how many tilted heads we have in a day. I was speaking to one of the nurses about it, and she'd noticed it too but we don't know why people do it. However, it will be something I am aware of in the future and I will make sur that my head stays straight whenever I talk to people. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm not, I just need to find humour in the strangest places!!!

After work I went back to Stewart and the visitors started coming. We missed one of our Rabbi's who had visited whilst we had lunch, but my best and oldest (not in age but in duration) friend, Elaine visited on return from her holiday. She is wonderful and really gave stewart a talking to about misbehaving and putting us through it all - it was lovely that although you could tell she cared, she didn't do the tilted head and sympathy bit but was just herself, which gave Stewart a lift. I think all the sympathy is wearing and he wants to be treated and joked with like we do normally. He husband, a good friend too, is wanting to visit but she made us giggle by saying although he is desperate to visit Stewart he won't take time off work and he'll come at the weekend. If you knew Yaacov you'd understand but as a self employed joiner, we understand too and it just makes you smile when you are treated normally.

During the afternoon we had the Rabbi from our synagogue and his lovely wife visit (I was at school with him so it is more like having a friend to visit than clergy) along with the Cantor from the synagogue where I work (who brought Stewart granny smith apples as I had told him he liked them, but he didn't know what they were so had had to go in and ask at the fruit shop), at the same time our friend, who works at St Gemma's, Amanda, came in to see us, my parents visited and an old school friend of mine came - we had to sit in the conservatory of the hospice cos there was so many of us - and it was a bit like a party!!! There was laughter, talking, discussion but we managed to have no tears.

Once they had all gone, Jamie arrived. It was quite humorous because he'd rung me earlier in the day to say he was getting the early bus back from school as he had told his IT teacher, who he had for a lesson after school, that he wanted to come back to see his dad as he hadn't seen him yesterday. Obviously the teacher understood and as Jamie is resitting the year, knew and had done the lesson he was teaching, he was happy for Jamie to go. ...................... except Jamie omitted to tell him that the reason he'd not seen his dad was cos he'd gone to the Leeds United match!!!!!! (they won too!!!). However, in fairness to Jamie, he wanted the opportunity to have an hour with his dad on his own so I left them to come home and sort out the house etc.

When I returned about an hour or so later they were sat having tea together and they had spent a wonderful hour with stewart saying all the things he needed to say to him - I understand there were lots of tears, from Stewart not Jamie but I think that hour meant a lot to them.

When Alex arrived from school he also had an hour with his dad, but to be honest it was a different sort of talk and although the sentiments in most part were the same, for Stewart it was the easier discussion. Maybe because Alex is not yet a man and there relationship is different but I am still pleased that they both had this time at this stage with him.

You may be wondering about Gemma. Well she's fine and having a ball, going out to friends after school everyday and even sleeping out at the weekend and last night too (as a treat and to give me time this morning to myself). Everyone keeps asking whether she understands the situation, and as much as any 9 year old can take in this situation, I know she understands because the first words when she sees me or my parents or the boys is "how's daddy". Not a question she usually asks but I know she is missing him (even tho they fight like cat and dog - too similar in their ways to get on) and she wants him home soon.

Manged to get to Sainsbury's for the essentials after dropping off the boys at home and then popped into Ruth's to pick up a black hat (her MIL sells hats and I need a plain one for the forthcoming new year and obviously ready for the funeral!! there's nothing like being organised!!). Had a lovely couple of hours there again, she can make me laugh as does her wonderful husband, Robert.

I also managed to have a wonderful (if late) night with Jamie when I came home, and as is our way we sat on the bed in my room and talked and cried together. I am equally proud of him as his dad is of the way he is dealing with all this, we discussed stewart dying and whether he wanted to be there etc. I have said that I personally felt that I didn't want him with that memory in his head as I still struggle to get the picture of my nana dying out of mine when I think of her, but did say it was totally his decision when the time came. Obviously he will be allowed his final goodbye before his dad goes and if he wants, some time with him after too. We discussed many things and cried together. I have told him that he doesn't change his dreams to be with me or near me in the future. He must go out and fulfil them, wherever in the world he needs to be as that is what his dad and I have dreamt of for his future. I so hope he won't tie himself down to staying in Leeds just for me.

Right, I must get myself dressed and down to see stewart early today - I have a meeting at 9am with a social worker to fill in these blasted forms, got to go into work to collect some for tomorrow and get it done before Sunday morning, pop to a friends to pick up some cakes (yummy) and then get back to Stewart in time to take him to clinic at 1.45pm (what do you bet we don't get in till at least 3pm!!)

Will update further tonight.