Sunday, 14 September 2008

I spoke too soon

Well what a crap day today has been. Firstly, i went to work and everyone was lovely but of course it was that kindness that set off what was to be the first of many tears of the day. I also got a call from Stewart to say they were keeping him in another night at least. Having rung my mum, she told me to come round cos I needed to obviously off load. And off load I did, I just sat and cried in her and my dad's arms. Then, having pulled myself together I set off to the hospital.

Well having left Stewart tired and painfree the night before I was shocked to see him in pain, nauseas again and tired. They are giving him a slow release pill topped up with other medication and anti nausea pills but they just weren't hitting the spot. Yesterday's bloods had shown a problem with the pancreas (I have heard of it but no idea whether this is relevant or not) and all day he has been popping pain killers and sleeping. I am sure it is the drugs causing him to be so tired, but it has left me feeling so alone so quickly. The nurses are wonderful but feel that we now need to look at a pump that is permanently attached to dole out some medication and they have recommended they call the palliative care team in. Well, that was it, off I went on another tearful episode, it's those words you don't want to hear. It really brought home (if I hadn't already realised) that this was serious. I feel totally sick every time I think of it.

Mum and dad brought the kids down to see their Dad. He didn't even really respond to him being there which was so sad. My parents then insisted I join them for tea, I am sure it was lovely but I couldn't taste a thing. The only benefit is that my eldest niece was there with her boyfriend which was lovely.

I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart feels empty, it is such a horrid thing to watch him like this, so not my Stewart and due to visiting hours, I won't see him till 2pm tomorrow. That just compounds the situation too. I know they have to do it but feel it is so cruel. I just want to curl up in bed at home with his arms round me, its the best place to be and where I feel safest and I miss it.

Jamie is continuing to be my rock, he has had a terible shock today, I think it really hit home what is going on and I feel I have let him down today by being weak. I know I need to be stronger tomorrow for both him and Stewart so I am off to bed to try and sleep.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You will find the strength to do what you have to do to get through this as best you can. You and your family are in my prayers tonight.

shirleyf said...

I am not a religious person and I do not know you, but i am thinking of you all the time. I saw my auntie go through this and it is such a difficult thing to do - I really hope that he is more comfortable today and that you managed to get some sleep.

Mrs Hedgehog said...

Susy you will have good days and bad days. It will be the pills talking not your man.
Take care Lx

Quackas said...

Still praying for a miracle...

Crying is a healing method. Stewart is in the best place and is being well cared for. Speak to them about visiting times, you may be allowed in more frequently if you ask and explain how you feel.....

Mwahhhhh and huge hugs

hotpotato said...

Hi Susy, so sorry Stew had another bad day yesterday.If you need to cry then cry, your children and everyone else will understand, so please don't feel ashamed...it's better than bottling it all up.Pallitive care nurses will be a great help to you so take all that's on offer and don't be frightened to shout for more help if you feel you need it...love to you all Janina xx

snowgoose and kitty cat said...

susy you are so much in my thoughts and prayers too. Genevieve (snowgoose)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this but please don't think you have to be strong for everyone else. I am sure your son is thinking that he needs to be strong for you.

We went through something similar 2 years ago with my BIL and it was awful to feel so helpless.

Sending hugs and thinking of you.

Smileyk (UKS)