Well what a crap day today has been. Firstly, i went to work and everyone was lovely but of course it was that kindness that set off what was to be the first of many tears of the day. I also got a call from Stewart to say they were keeping him in another night at least. Having rung my mum, she told me to come round cos I needed to obviously off load. And off load I did, I just sat and cried in her and my dad's arms. Then, having pulled myself together I set off to the hospital.
Well having left Stewart tired and painfree the night before I was shocked to see him in pain, nauseas again and tired. They are giving him a slow release pill topped up with other medication and anti nausea pills but they just weren't hitting the spot. Yesterday's bloods had shown a problem with the pancreas (I have heard of it but no idea whether this is relevant or not) and all day he has been popping pain killers and sleeping. I am sure it is the drugs causing him to be so tired, but it has left me feeling so alone so quickly. The nurses are wonderful but feel that we now need to look at a pump that is permanently attached to dole out some medication and they have recommended they call the palliative care team in. Well, that was it, off I went on another tearful episode, it's those words you don't want to hear. It really brought home (if I hadn't already realised) that this was serious. I feel totally sick every time I think of it.
Mum and dad brought the kids down to see their Dad. He didn't even really respond to him being there which was so sad. My parents then insisted I join them for tea, I am sure it was lovely but I couldn't taste a thing. The only benefit is that my eldest niece was there with her boyfriend which was lovely.
I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart feels empty, it is such a horrid thing to watch him like this, so not my Stewart and due to visiting hours, I won't see him till 2pm tomorrow. That just compounds the situation too. I know they have to do it but feel it is so cruel. I just want to curl up in bed at home with his arms round me, its the best place to be and where I feel safest and I miss it.
Jamie is continuing to be my rock, he has had a terible shock today, I think it really hit home what is going on and I feel I have let him down today by being weak. I know I need to be stronger tomorrow for both him and Stewart so I am off to bed to try and sleep.