I spoke too soon!!

What can I say about today, well i have decided life is crap. Stew has found more lumps on his head and arm and although he is losing weight his stomach is getting bigger - so now I am really worried. I just have this feeling that things aren't good.

I can tell how tense I am because the hospital rang with an appointment for a CT scan on the 12th and I was about to say, "can't you get one any quicker, that's ages away, it's urgent" when I realised that actually it's friday morning - so quick by NHS standards. It is obvious that the Prof has looked at his notes and the fact she has booked him in already is ringing alarm bells.

Why do I get this feeling that there will be no cure this time. How, if that's the case do I tell my children and keep Stewart upbeat. I only hope I am soooooo wrong. At times I feel so calm when thinking about it, I know I need to cry and shout but I just can't.

I know that you who have been brave enough to venture onto my blog at this time, and to read my posts are amazing people, some of the comments and emails to me either at home or via UKS have been amazing, and truly are keeping me going at the moment.

There are so many thoughts flitting through my head, the sort of thoughts you never want to have, that I don't know sometimes what or where to put them, so this is my diary, the feelings I need to share.

Today, in a brief moment, Stewart shared his fear of dying. It was only for a moment, because I don't know what to say to him to make it go away, I can't lie to him, I have never lied to him, not proper lies. Yes, I know I've told him i've had that handbag for years, the shoes have always been in the bottom of the wardrobe and that it's magic that my stash has grown so much and I didn't buy any of it but this is different. This needs us to be truthful. Although I love my stewart more than anything or more than words can ever portray, I also know he hides his feelings and I know that if he has opened up to me I need to be say the right thing, but I don't know what that is.

I know he is scared of the future, for his health but for me and the kids if he is not able to work or if he dies. Unfortunately because he has had cancer before he hasn't been able to get life insurance and therefore if he can't earn, or worse, then he knows that leaves me with a great big problem. I know you can get help etc but I don't like to take - however, I have tried to be practical and have applied for family tax credit in the hope that will help - I just need the forms to arrive!!!

My mum is very involved with Macmillan Cancer Care, due to the help they gave her when my Nana was so ill, and I know they will offer all sorts of help, it's just that I am not ready to contact them. There is something stopping me admitting how serious this is, although I know I will have to do it soon.

Once again my apologies for my ramblings, I hope that by Friday night I will have some positive news for you all.