Yes, it's early on Friday morning, but today will be a busy one so thought I would blog the latest.
Stew was not good yesterday and last night i had a thought (don't have them often you know) that he wasn't drinking coffee at all and therefore the lethargy might be from lack of caffiene. So we braved a cup - and WHAT A DIFFERENCE. He is so much brighter, his shoulders are up and he is more alert. He is still in pain but he is so much better emotionally. We spent last night and this morning talking properly for the first time, and I told him that whatever happens, whatever treatment is needed, whatever state he will be in during the treatment that I will be there for him NO MATTER WHAT or NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT. This morning he has admitted the fear of dying, something I have also thought about but not talked about. Like I said to him, if it is the worst possible result on Monday and it is terminal and he only has however long, then it will be the best however long we can have. But I told him, that that wasn't going to happen, there are always options and we are going to fight it all the way. He also admitted the fear of losing his sight in one or both eyes. I know that there is a real possibility (not that I have told him) that he may lose the sight in his left eye and even lose the eye together, but as I said, being alive with one eye is better than dead with two - he laughed at that and agreed.
I know that whatever is going to happen, that I love him more than i could imagine, and that him being his loveable bad tempered self is all I want.
However, at the moment, even with the wonderful support of my family and all my friends, I am feeling very alone. How selfish does that sound, but as I am talking to myself here, I can admit it. I so miss the hugs and the kisses which i totally understand he doesn't want from me or to give me, it leaves me feeling that I have lost a bit of him already. And no doubt through treatment it will continue to be hard, but I have to hold in my head the picture of him coming off the treatment, being in remission and cuddling him again (one eyed or not!!)
I am feeling slightly more optomistic today, mainly because he looks better (thinner but better - the weight is just dropping off him) but that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away and I am trying to deal with facing whatever will come on Monday.
I probably won't post over the weekend, mainly due to the fact that DS1's girlfriend is here (to support him, bless her) and we will be trying to make everything a little more normal that this week has been but obviously if I can I will be back on Monday night with some news.
I know the next three days will be an anxious wait and I just hope I can keep it together and after our discussions last night and today, where we were both totally honest, we can try and have a bit of normality, without every conversation being about the dreaded cancer.
For those of you who have taken the time to read through all of the posts and have sent messages, to those of my friends in the LPD, Tag a longs and UKS, to my family and my friends round me here in Leeds and those friends further away (that's you Fi), a huge thank you for your love, your kindness, your support, your care - I will remember this forever and be eternally grateful that I know you and that you are the wonderful people that you are. Without you this would be unbearable.