Happy New Year

Well today has been a good day, if emotional. It is the Jewish New Year, one of the most important days of the Jewish calendar and Stewart was determined to go to the synagogue today. So I went down early to help him shower and brought him home to get dressed (he didn't leave the hospice naked, I promise, but needed appropriate clothing - his joggy bottoms and tshirt were not really appropriate). Then all 5 of us went to the synagogue together. Stewart went in a wheelchair but nevertheless we went in together and the boys sat together and Gemma and I sat with my mum. I was exceptionally tearful looking down at my men, (including my dad) all sat together and knowing that it may be the last time I see them like that. So many people came up to both of us to wish us well and there weren't too many tilted heads (even tho my friend Malcolm, purposefully tilted his head to such an extent it must have been painful - but it made me giggle).

Stewart only managed an hour but it was a wonderful hour and I then brought him (with Gemma) home for a rest. Within 5 minutes of sitting on the settee he was fast asleep (nothing new there then!!) but I felt so relaxed knowing he was here where he belonged. I even managed an MSN conversation with my fellow LPD's Kirsty and Hazel during this brief break too which was wonderful and made me feel I was nearly back in the land of the living.

We then went to my sisters for a family lunch which was wonderful. Just to be surrounded by those we love on such an important day was special. Unfortunately by 4.30pm stewart had had enough and was shattered and I brought him home again to change but then had to take him back to the hospice. That was really hard and I didn't want to leave him there tonight. However, the brilliant news is that as long as he has a fairly good night tonight we can bring him home tomorrow and keep him here as long as he copes with his medication and pain levels. So I have been tidying round like mad, even sorting the fridges and freezers out so I know where everything is, in happy anticipation of a day I was beginning to doubt would happen. I know that once he is home he will start by sleeping downstairs where he can sleep comfortably upright which will help his eye, but I hope it won't be too long before I can curl up in bed beside him.

My friends continue to be a constant support to me, phoning me right up to late in the evening to ensure we are all doing ok.

The kids and I had a very long chat together tonight, discussing various issues with regards to how we are all dealing with this and after about an hour it finished with Jamie suggesting a family hug. I know my children are my future and without them I wouldn't want to continue, but I also managed to admit to them my feelings regarding losing Stewart and they spoke about how they feel about the time they have left with their Dad. I hope by being honest with them, laughing with them and crying with them I am giving them the security to know it is ok to be sad but equally it is ok to be happy. There are no instructions on how you do this bit of the job and I hope I am not scarring them for life.

On a positive note to end, today is the last day of September (ok, by the time this is posted it will be October but lets not split hairs). Stewart was diagnosed with the cancer on the 1st September, then diagnosed as terminally ill, then we had to tell to the kids, then we had to foster out the dog, then my parent's dog was put down so I am hoping that we will contain the bad news to the month of September and October will give us reason to smile and increase our hopes.

I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year (even to my non-jewish friends) and may we all have our health, our families round us and our dreams come true.