Saturday, 14 February 2009

A valentine's to remember

Well what a week or two it has been. I have had a very very tough time in the run up to the 4 month mark, very emotional and very down but I think that part of that was that we had Gemma's birthday, and a big one at that - she turned 10 which is a huge milestone and one we had to do without daddy. We kept her busy from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed the following night, which was the first time she'd had tears about daddy. I think she had a good time with her friends and those who slept over and I must say 6 girls on the floor in the lounge was lovely to see and they behaved impeccably.

The run from there to the 4 month mark was only 3 days and I found it really tough as did the kids but we got through it, but with the snow and everything I still haven't gone to the cemetery. I am going to try and get there whilst I am off work on Monday or Tuesday but as it's half term it might not be easy.

However to avoid the love and roses of Valentines day I opted to go away. Not that we were ever romantic, last year Stew and I went shopping the night before and as a throw away comment I said "hope you've got my card" so as we arrived he steered me towards the fruit and veg and went to buy my card which he then put in the trolley!!!! As he said, he loved me every day and told me so so why should we make a big deal of it. However, the thought of being here with the papers and tv going on and on and on was unthinkable so I booked with my best friend Debra, an overnight stay at Champneys in Leicestershire. We went yesterday morning and have had two wonderful days. Admittedly we were late getting there as we passed a discount outlet centre on the way and the card just happened to drive in and park. It was a lovely couple of hours trying to find an outfit for Debra's special occasion coming up and although she had no luck we did manage to purchase me a lovely outfit, something I just haven't had the head for for the past 6 months or so. We arrived and had a wonderful massage, swam, had a wonderful dinner, a laugh and giggle, some chocolate and a dvd in bed - I only lasted 10 minutes before I was out for the count and snoring away!!! (she said I wasn't too loud much to my relief). Today consisted of a leisurly breakfast, thalasotherapy pool (a wonderful mineral pool with jets), a amazing pedicure and lunch - then we went shopping on the way home too!!!! Well all my spare cash is spent but it was worth it for a lovely couple of days.

On arriving home I was greeted with three roses, a pink one, a cerise one and a red one with a sign saying "please be our valentine" signed all three of the kids. So having got through the weekend with no tears, they came thick and fast, but they were happy tears, as I am so grateful to have my wonderful children with me through this whole thing. What more could a mum want.

So now Jamie has gone to Manchester and is off to Birmingham tomorrow, I hope the weather stays fine for his trip over with friends. As for me, well I am off to bed soon, and tomorrow the kids and I will have a lazy day - no work for me of any sort.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Race for Life 2009

Firstly I must apologise, my last post makes it look like I don't get out of the house, I do, honestly. I am just about managing to organise going to the monthly crops, although I won't make it in February but I am getting out, it just means lots and lots of organisation.

I am even going away overnight to Champneys with my best friend - Gemma is going to sleep out and the boys are having a night at home in peace without us girls. I am really looking forward to it.

But the big news is at last we have a date for the Race for Life. It is on July 5th which unfortunately is not a good date as some of my friends are away and it is a special weekend for my best friend, but I hope they sponsor me instead. So far we have about 15 ladies actually signed up - seeing as I only emailed them all last night I am quite pleased. However, if you would like to sponsor me my online sponsorship form is Race for Life - Susy Rudette's Fundraising Page - if you wish to Gift Aid your payment, you can't pay by PayPal - not sure why but it doesn't let you.

I have set myself £2500 as a goal and others are setting anywhere between £50 and £500 - If we can raise £5000 I will be pleased but I really really would like to raise £10,000 if possible.

The men's race for the hospice is being held on July 19th and the details of that should be out soon.

I so hope that Stewart is looking down from above and is proud of what we are doing in his name, we are so proud to have been his wife, his children, his parent's in law, brothers and sisters in law, friends and colleagues that I hope we are making him proud.

16 weeks

Well, it's hard to believe that it is 16 weeks since I lost my darling Stewart. And the past week has had some interesting turns.

Firstly, Jamie's ex played a cruel hoax on him regarding her health upsetting and worrying us both. How anyone can play that sort of a joke on someone is uncomprehensible but to play it on someone in our situation is nasty, selfish and abhorent. Although now he knows why he split from her and it has closed the book, it was a testing 24 hours for him. To think you may lose someone you were so close to when he has already lost his idol, is so dificult for me to understand.

Secondly, Alex seems to really be struggling with everything. One minute he is calm and collected and the second he is screaming and ranting and raving. I know he can't comprehend what has happened in his life, I know he is angry at the world but it is so hard for me to cope with on my own. Seeing him sobbing, packing his bags because I am the worst mum in the world breaks my heart. I know he doesn't mean the things he says but nontheless it still hurts.

We seem to be plodding along quite well, but on a very selfish note I am struggling with being tied to the house and the kids with very little support. Not that my mum and dad wouldn't do more for me but I don't like to keep asking them to babysit and the kids don't want them to be here all the time either. But when Stew was alive I had the freedom to go to crops, go to classes, go out with my friends all the time knowing the kids were looked after. Now the responsibility is solely mine and every time i go out I have to plan it like a military operation. Although the boys are more than capable of looking after Gem, either together or alone, she winds them up and it causes rows and I come home to tears and tantrums. Jamie has just about sorted out their relationship but Alex and her are at each other's throats all the time. Stew was always the calm voice of reason and if that failed, he shouted louder than the rest of us (LOL).

16 weeks is a long long time, I miss Stew so much and the snow is stopping me going and visiting him which isn't helping. This week has been so hard and with Saturday being Gemma's birthday we are all gearing up for that. I hope we can make it a good day for her, presents, friends for tea and some of them staying over night (god help me!!) I hope we can alleviate the tension that is building. It is a first family ocassion he is missing for and no doubt will be in our minds constantly.

On a very sad note, an old friend miscarried this week which has been hard but I hope that my cuddles and words (which are returns of her words and cuddles for me) will help her, her husband and her kids through this tragic time - we are thinking of you all xxxx