Monday, 2 February 2009

16 weeks

Well, it's hard to believe that it is 16 weeks since I lost my darling Stewart. And the past week has had some interesting turns.

Firstly, Jamie's ex played a cruel hoax on him regarding her health upsetting and worrying us both. How anyone can play that sort of a joke on someone is uncomprehensible but to play it on someone in our situation is nasty, selfish and abhorent. Although now he knows why he split from her and it has closed the book, it was a testing 24 hours for him. To think you may lose someone you were so close to when he has already lost his idol, is so dificult for me to understand.

Secondly, Alex seems to really be struggling with everything. One minute he is calm and collected and the second he is screaming and ranting and raving. I know he can't comprehend what has happened in his life, I know he is angry at the world but it is so hard for me to cope with on my own. Seeing him sobbing, packing his bags because I am the worst mum in the world breaks my heart. I know he doesn't mean the things he says but nontheless it still hurts.

We seem to be plodding along quite well, but on a very selfish note I am struggling with being tied to the house and the kids with very little support. Not that my mum and dad wouldn't do more for me but I don't like to keep asking them to babysit and the kids don't want them to be here all the time either. But when Stew was alive I had the freedom to go to crops, go to classes, go out with my friends all the time knowing the kids were looked after. Now the responsibility is solely mine and every time i go out I have to plan it like a military operation. Although the boys are more than capable of looking after Gem, either together or alone, she winds them up and it causes rows and I come home to tears and tantrums. Jamie has just about sorted out their relationship but Alex and her are at each other's throats all the time. Stew was always the calm voice of reason and if that failed, he shouted louder than the rest of us (LOL).

16 weeks is a long long time, I miss Stew so much and the snow is stopping me going and visiting him which isn't helping. This week has been so hard and with Saturday being Gemma's birthday we are all gearing up for that. I hope we can make it a good day for her, presents, friends for tea and some of them staying over night (god help me!!) I hope we can alleviate the tension that is building. It is a first family ocassion he is missing for and no doubt will be in our minds constantly.

On a very sad note, an old friend miscarried this week which has been hard but I hope that my cuddles and words (which are returns of her words and cuddles for me) will help her, her husband and her kids through this tragic time - we are thinking of you all xxxx


Claire said...

Sorry to hear that you are feeling stuck to the house. Could you have a monthly outing to crops as something to get you out but also for something to look forward to? If you Mum and Dad could look after the kids each month for a certain crop?

Hugs to you and the kids
Claire X

Eileen said...

Each rough patch is different to the last - but that doesn't stop them being rough patches, does it? Alex will find his own path, even if that means rebelling against you and the family for a bit (well, looking at it with teenage male logic, the family hasn't exactly come up trumps recently, especially his dad, going and dying on him, has it?) You know (and have the evidence in Jamie) that you've provided a strong family foundation for him, which will allow him to kick out a bit, when he needs to, but also to know (despite his protestations) that you (and, in a different way, Stewart) are there for him.

Hope you get the crops sorted soon, it would do you heaps of good.

Topping up the {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Eileen x