Highs and Lows

Ok, so what has been happening in my life over the last couple of weeks. Well lots and nothing all at once.

We've used the money from the sale of the van to buy a new suite which we love and we have said goodbye to Stewart's car and replaced it with an automatic Renault Scenic which I love even though it reminds me of what is missing in my life.

On a daily basis we are plodding on, there are still tears and tantrums but not quite as many as before. however, we had an upsetting weekend when my eldest's ex girlfriend rang to say she had a blood clot on the brain, was having surgery the next day and it was 50/50 chance of survival. Poor Jamie had a sleepless night at his friends where he was, an awful journey home to me and then a nerve wracking wait for a phone call - when it came she claimed to have had the op and was discharged (some 2 hours after the operation!!!) Alarm bells rang and it was obvious something was amiss. After many calls round we found it was a hoax and a very cruel one at that - so although I am angry about it, I am also relieved that he is out of the situation and I think he is too as he can get on with his life.

Things seem to have evened out on a daily basis. I am not sure how much of this is that Jamie has signed up to a gym and is playing tennis and going into the gym a lot which gives him space to take out his anger away from home, but it has meant that things are calmer. I think the fact I have been to my first counselling session has helped too - not sure what benefit it is but actually being allowed to chatter (something I am good at) about me and my life and my anger etc without feeling I am putting on people is wonderful. Back again next week so will see how it goes.

The next big hurdle is I have Macmillian Benefits team coming next week to try and sort out whether it will be financially better for me to stop working. I need to make a decision once and for all and sort myself out. The big problem for me is obviously it feels wrong that in the current climate where jobs are few and far between but if i do what's right for me now, will it be the same in 2 years when Jamie leaves home and benefits drop and if that happens will I be able to get a job suitable for the kids. With Alex on DLA it means i need to be around for him for the forseeable future. There are so many questions to ask with no answers.

As for me, well as long as I am busy (and I am with making invitations) then I cope but when I go upstairs to bed it all hits me like a hammer in the heart. Every night is so hard, I have a chat to him but it just upsets me so much, I suppose I block everything out during the day but when I chat with Stewart it opens up so many open wounds. The funny thing is that I know he is listening to me (I got a message from my friend the day I had my counselling saying he had asked her to contact me and tell me he loved me because I was having a hard day - yet no-one knew I was going!!) and probably getting totally fed up of my incessant chattering at him and crying, he hated both of those things. I sometimes feel as though he is in the room with me and its a lovely feeling, see just as I typed that I felt him here!!!!

Right, I've gabbled on long enough tonight - I know my posts are fewer but sometimes it feels wrong to pour out my heart on here continuously - I am sure anyone reading this doesnt want that every day - but I will update here weekly if I can and hope that soon I can add in some scrapbooking stuff too. Once the next set of invites are finished my mission is to scrap for britain - it's been a long time since I did scrapping at home and I think I need to get back to it, even though most pictures are of stewart at the moment and it is therapeutic.

Good night all and catch you all again soon.