Another First

Before I start this post I want to say a huge thank you to Skye for that beautiful poem, it was a lovely thought to write something for me and it meant a lot.

Well, it's nearly midnight which means we have hit the 3 month mark since I lost my beloved Stewart. I can't believe it, 3 whole months without him. To be honest, it still doesn't seem real at all, we have never been apart longer than a week in 20 years and the past 3 months feels like an age. I cannot get it into to my head that I will never ever see him again. To be honest I don't want to, I won't and I can't accept he is never going to come back in through the front door. I know that in time I will have to accept it but at the moment I just WON'T. The kids are having a really tough time, Jamie has admitted that although he knows it is hard for me, that I won't have to go through this again but he will and he doesn't know when. That is such a frightening thought for a child. I cannot imagine it at all, I am still lucky enough to have both my parents so what he is going through is something I cannot comprehend but something I find totally heartbreaking. He is a wonderful young man who shouldnt have to go through this. He was wonderful before this and didn't deserve this pain. He feels he did something wrong and is being punished and although I have explained it to him that it isn't his fault, I can totally understand because I feel the same. I have looked at my life in depth and I admit I have made mistakes, could this be my punishment?

Tonight I went to a good friends birthday/anniversary party. I didn't want to go and nearly bottled out at the last minute but I knew how much it would mean to them if I went, so I slapped on some make up for the first time and put on some heels and went. It was so hard. I walked in and just wanted to turn round and run, but Anne and Rafi who picked me up held my hand and gave me the strength to go through with it. Everyone was lovely - only a couple of tilted heads, a lot of questions of "how are you doing" and "how are the kids coping" but I managed to sit through the whole meal and when i went out to check on the kids people came out to check I was alright. The funny thing was I knew Stewart was with me, I could feel him and he would have so loved to have been there. The food was his cup of tea, and he actually would have known most people there. I have to say the support I got from everyone there was overwhelming and very heart warming but once the dessert came out I knew I couldn't keep it up and needed to go home. Bless Jamie, he came straight away to pick me up and I have felt better being home.

I am working tomorrow and won't get up to see Stewart, as I have Gemma on my own, which is very hard, but I know he will still be there on monday (he doesn't get out much these days!) when I have the chance to go on my own. I am not sure how I will get through tomorrow. Half of me hopes it is really busy so I won't think about it, and the other just wants me to get home to the kids as quick as I can. I am so blessed to have the kids, my family and friends around me and supporting me but I now realise that it is only me that can get me through this. Nothing I do will change anything in the past but I hope that wherever Stewart is, he is watching me and smiling down. I hope I am doing things the way he would want me to, that I am bringing up the kids the way he would want me to and that we are thinking about him and talking about him as much as he would want us to. I also know he would be kicking me up the rear end if he was here and telling me to get on with things, but it is so hard every day to continue living a life I just don't want to live. This wasn't what I dreamt of, my dreams have all been shattered and I am not sure I have the strength to build new ones. Only time will tell.