Well I never expected to be sat here an hour and half into 2009 in such a calm mood. The support on my blog, UKS and in texts received all evening tonight have been amazing. Did I have tears tonight, well yes I did but they were brought on by the most beautiful text a mum could receive from her son. Jamie is in Manchester with his friends, hopefully having as good a time as he can, but he took the time, just before midnight to send me a beautifully heartwarming text telling me all things I needed to hear (ok, I'm off in tears again at the thought!!). I don't know what I or Stewart ever did to deserve a son like him, but I thank my lucky stars every day that we had him.
Other special moments tonight that will stay me are:
Our friend, Malcolm, who lost his parents whilst young (and our host tonight) writing a message on the top of his car in the snow (Hello All) aimed at his parents and Stew - WOW, that blew me away especially when we stood looking up at the stars together
His wife, Debra, just holding me and making me smile at all the right moments tonight without getting too sentimental
The kids all 7 of them just getting along without a cross word all night and the only tears we had were when Gemma stood on some meccano and her foot bled!!!
I realise how incredibly lucky I am to have the most amazing friends to support me - I was always told if you could count your true friends and they filled a hand you were lucky - well after the past 4 months I need both hands, both feet and a few spare ones - so no matter how unlucky I feel when I think of my life now, I also realise that with 3 amazing kids, amazing parents, amazing siblings and their partners, amazing nieces, amazing family of Stewarts (excluding my MIL but that's a long story) and my amazing friends - I really am blessed.
I can't tell you or even myself why I am so unlucky to have lost the love of my life but I do know that from that tragedy I have been truly blessed. Maybe, just maybe Stew is up there watching me and smiling at the support we have down here and knowing that because he was such an amazing man (and I suppose I haven't been too bad a friend either) we will have love and laughter and support for a long time to come.
I know that no one can replace Stew in my heart, no one else will put their arms round me and make me feel that I was in the safest place in the world, no one else will kiss me and make me feel like I was flying, no one else will shout at me but I will know it is for all the right reasons, no one else will make me giggle at some silly joke quite like Stewart did but I will know that I have more than a girl could wish for to get me through the next month and years so maybe, just maybe there is a chance for 2009 to be a fairly good year. I know there will be times that I can't see past the next hour or even minute but sat here today, for the first time, I realise that there will be people (and Stewart too) carrying me through all those awful moments and together we will come out the other side.
To Stewart I want to say I love you with every cell in my body, you are my everything and I miss you soooo soooooo much, more than words can ever say but I will love you forever and a day my darling. I hope wherever you are you are at peace and are able to watch over me and the kids and guide us in our dark moments and join with us during the better moments. God Bless you my sweetheart.