The end of 2008

Well, I am sat here at some ungodly hour unable to sleep due to the fact I have a really bad cold and I am feeling sorry for myself. I have been thinking about the past few months and the year that I have had and felt that I needed to put my thoughts down in writing - so my apologies for the possible length of this post.

I have had a year filled with so many happy memories and so many sad ones which have taken over the good ones. The beginning of 2008 was filled with so much hope, after having a very testing and trying end to 2007 for various reasons. Stewart and I had found ourselves again and were more together than we had ever been. We were looking forward to a wonderful year, how ironic is that now. In February I had a fall at work causing an injury to my shoulder which to this day is still troubling me but the support I got from Stewart was amazing. We went on the holiday of a lifetime, the holiday we thought would be the last family one as Jamie was growing up and we put every penny we had into a trip to Florida and Disney. Yet again how ironic was that, yes we were right that it would be the last family holiday but for such different reasons. The holiday definately fulfilled our dreams and watching Stewart's face light up as we walked down main steet in Disney and seeing all our favourite characters performing on stage was a magical moment which will stay with me forever. The holiday wasn't perfect, but then again our holidays never were, but it will be the perfect memory for me now.

On our return our troubles started although I didn't realise it at the time and our luck started to change drastically. Stewart's fall off a ladder seemed at the time to be just a blip and nothing more than a seconds loss of balance but I am so sure, in my mind, that it was a sign of what was happening to him but no one realised it at the time. Jamie went to New York in the summer and it was such a joy to hear him report virtually daily to us with his news and excitement and I know Stewart enjoyed those moments but these were probably the last moments we would enjoy together. In September my world collapsed and I can recall every moment since then in exact detail and sat here some 4 months later, cannot believe that my year has ended with me alone without him. I cannot believe that he has been gone for nearly 3 months, a quarter of a year - I cannot believe that i will never see him, never speak to him properly, never hug him, never kiss him, never shout at him again - ever. It is during these times that I have my darkest moments. The pain hasn't subsided, it is there every second of every day but I am beginning to have days where it is there beside me and not overwhelming me and I know, from talking to others, that those days grow but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him.

When talking to others I can sound optomistic, talk about enjoying the children twice over, once for me and once for him, I can talk about the future and what and where I want to be, but in reality that's all it is, talk. In truth I cannot imagine enjoying anything properly again, cannot imagine my life 3 months down the line let alone years down the line. I cannot imagine how I can continue to exist without him, but I know I have to.

My children continue to be my rocks, so wonderful and supportive but I am trying so hard to be strong for them because when it gets too much and I break down, the pain on their faces is awful.

How we will get through the next few days is an unknown quantity - I cannot imagine how I will feel at midnight tomorrow, I have spent many new years on my own when Stew was working but he always came home, he always rang me - but not this year. I know I will be with friends but I don't want it to be hard for them either, even though one friend there will be struggling too as she lost her mum the day before Stewart died.

I keep thinking of writing a letter to stewart to help me deal with my feelings but I can't actually put pen to paper. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the feelings that will come out. I am sad, I am angry, I am lonely, I am missing him and that is only on the surface. I know it is something I have to face in time, just not yet.

However, there have been positives over the last 4 months I suppose. The closeness of my family and of Stewart's family - the support from them all and from our friends is amazing and continues on a daily basis. The community continue to support me with offers of help and the kids' friends are helping them. But I would swap it all for him back in my arms.

Every day there is more to sort out, we have sorted the garage and lock up and it feels like slowly he is disappearing from my life, I know in reality he will be with me forever but the physical things are slowly going and I know for the kids as well as myself this is so difficult to watch. I also know it's a necessity too but that doesn't make it easier. I think it is time to stop sorting and leave things as they are for a little while.

Today is the first day since the funeral that I feel that my legs just won't get me through the day, but I suppose when it gets lighter outside I will just get up and carry on again as I have been doing for the past 80 days. Gosh working that out means that he has been gone twice as long as the time we knew he was ill - I know it's just numbers but it really hits home when you see it like that. I feel that I want to go to the top of a hill and just scream that it is so unfair, that I want him back by my side, not just the feeling that he is here but to actually be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him and love him in person, not just looking at a photo. I know many will say go and do it, but actually it won't change anything, he still won't be here and it is that feeling that it is never going to change that is so hard.

However, I have to look ahead to the future, to next year and hope that there will be some lighter moments within it. We have birthdays and anniversarys to get through without him but we have special birthdays to celebrate like Jamie's 18th which I am determined that will be a happy occasion for him to remember, although I know there will be moments that are hard too. We have the fundraising that we plan to do to sort out, hopefully with dates being confirmed early in the year so that we can focus on some positives.

So I sign off for 2008 with these words. I want to thank my kids, my family, Stew's family, our wonderful friends, my amazing new friends, UKS'ers (who come under my friends) and everyone who has taken the time to either leave a comment on here, email me, write to me, talked to me or just held my hand whilst I walk this long and hard path. Without each and every one of you, I couldn't have got this far and I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2009 and I hope that all of your dreams come true.