Monday, 1 December 2008


Well it's not polite to swear is it!!!! But it's how I feel life is at the moment.

The numbness is starting to wear off and the pain is worse. I am so angry, sad, tearful, mad, frustrated, guilty and fed up all at the same time. I am angry I am alone without him, sad that he isn't here to share my life, mad that we didn't pick up the cancer earlier and have a chance to have time together, frustrated that every bit of paperwork takes so long, guilty that I didn't trust my intuition that something was wrong earlier and just totally fed up of my life.

The kids are really struggling with everything and of course that means taking it all out on me in various ways which is so hard with no-one behind me backing me up and it seems that all I seem to say is "I am sorry daddy isn't here" and "I am still the parent and you will listen". It just feels like everything with them is hard work.

We have had good moments like a presentation at school for Gemma where the boys came along with my mum and dad and it was lovely to watch. They picked Gemma for a very special part of the presentation which of course made me cry and I just wished that Stewart had been here, cos he would have been soooooooo incredibly proud of his little girl. Everything is tinged with sadness at the moment and it is really hard to cope with.

I went back to work but I am not sure I have done the right thing. I just don't have enough hours in the day now to do everything around the house and all the paperwork and the nights seem endless even though I am only in bed for 4 or 5 hours.

And there is something else on my mind. Stewart had two lots of x-rays prior to him showing the obvious sign of cancer. One when he had the fall off the ladder and one just before he was diagnosed, yet neither times did the doctors pick up the cancer. So to settle my mind I am going to try and get hold of the x-rays and get a second opinion. I just need to know if there were any signs there that should have been picked up. When we were in A&E just before we saw the eye specialist for the last time he had x-rays to see what was causing the gastric problems, surely the sign of pancreatic cancer was there and should have been seen. If so, maybe I would have got him the help he needed 3 weeks earlier giving them a better chance of treatment meaning I would have had him longer. I know it won't bring him back but maybe it will save someone else the pain I am going through if I can help teach them the correct diagnosis. I cannot believe that it didn't show up - the pains he had were due to the cancer yet we were given gaviscon and anti-inflammory's for his stomach. I know I am grasping at straws but I have to have some answers. I also need to try and speak to his oncologist to suggest that MRI scans are given annually to patients so that these things would be picked up - if Stewart had had one every year the chance is something might have shown and although he may not have lived, he may have had a chance of a longer life.

I have also sent off my application to join WAY - a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50) so that maybe, just maybe I can talk my feelings through with people in the same situation. I hope someone will be able to reassure me that I won't feel this awful for ever, because if they can't I don't know how long I can live feeling like this. It is awful. I don't want to give up and die because I have three amazing children but I can't face this pain forever. It is crushing me and all I want to do is curl up in bed and never get up. I do get up but it is so hard. I thought it would get easier but at the moment it seems to be getting harder and harder. Maybe it has to get worse to get better but all the insecurities of bringing up the kids on my own is weighing me down so along with the grief I just don't know what to do. I am not suicidal at all, this blog helps me through my bad times, but the thought of life as it is going on as it is is very depressing.

I gave the kids framed photos of their dad today for their rooms and I don't know if that was the right thing to do. Simple things that seem to be right, are so often not. I just wish there was a guide book for people like me, it would make things so much easier.

Right, having been to a lesson tonight I am about to tidy up my house before eventually getting to bed - lets just hope I sleep better than last night (2 hours).


Annette said...

Oh Susy - sorry you feel like you do - but I understand that it is normal to feel these emotions.

Sending you and the kids lots of hugs and remember there are lots of people out there who care about you (ok so we may not have met but I still care)
You have shown amazing strength so far - and it is still very early days.
Stay strong - you will never forget - but it will get better.

Take care (((hugs)))

ann said...

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I know you do not know me but I think you have been so strong and brave and will come through this awful time. Wishing you well.

Eileen said...

Susy, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much at the moment - but as you've said, this is pretty 'normal' (whatever 'normal' is, I don't think I know) at this stage after a bereavement. It's quite understandable that you're angry and unhappy, but also that you feel you have to 'unpick' everything that happened when Stewart was ill, and before he was diagnosed. One practical point is that it is extremely unlikely that anything to do with his pancreas would have shown up on an X-ray. X-rays are good for getting images of bones, and lungs, and some air-filled structures, but for most 'soft' tissues and organs they do not provide much useful information, so I don't think anything was 'missed' on that one.

Like Ann and Annette, I don't 'know' you, but I've followed your story and keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

You won't 'move on' so that Stewart is no longer part of your life, but you will 'move forward' into a new stage, but first you have to do the hard work of coming to terms, to a degree, with his death.

Sending some more {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for now

Eileen xxx

Lulu said...

Annette, Ann and Eileen have said exactly what I'm thinking... in a nutshell you are an amazing woman who has been through hell and feels like it but we're all rooting for you and your family. Hang in there!

At key moments in my life, my guardian angel (if one believes in such things) has always sent me a rainbow to reassure me that things will be ok; I hope that one day you'll see your own rainbow and think to yourself that on that day you feel just a tiny bit better. Love and hugs XXX

Clair and Sharni said...

Suzy the ladies who have left comments before me have already typed out words similar to what I was going to type - So i'll just send some more {{{HUGS}}} your way & hope that helps a little. xxx

gwyneth said...

Susy big ((hugs))I knew this time would come sweetie having been there. It will get better I can assure you and the anger and all that you're feeling will become much easier to bear.( I no longer dig the garden with such force as I used to then or mow the lawn with my anger directed at DH for leaving me )I also understand this " wanting to know" that what IF, been there too and at one point took over all my thinking. That also will ease off in time - time is the magic word hun.

You're getting there, very bravely too I might add, stay strong and take comfort in the fact that you are moving forward little by little.

Take care