Monday, 24 November 2008

Nearly 12,000

Yes, that is the total visits nearly to my blog. 12000 is such a huge number (and although it count's my visits, I don't read it that much!!)

I was thinking today of why I write my blog. I know I do it to keep a diary of everything so that when I am forgetful (which these days is most of the time) I can remember the order of things. I know I do it as it is cathartic to write down, almost privately, my feelings. I didn't realise though that it may help others. It wasn't my intention but it is something that makes me feel good, so thank you to everyone who has posted but special thanks to those brave enough to say my words have helped them. By saying that, you have helped me because at least I can feel that Stewart didn't die in vain. There was a reason and maybe, just maybe me writing this blog has helped someone through their pain or helped someone understand what someone is going through. Maybe this is the reason for everything, or does that sound big headed. I haven't saved anyone's life, I haven't find the cure for cancer, in fact I haven't actually done anything, yet with the words you kind people have left for me, I feel I have done something.

When I am calm and at some sort of peace and look at my life now, I realise that I have been extremely lucky. Firstly I am lucky to have known true and total love. Now don't get me wrong, Stewart and I didn't have the perfect relationship, didn't have the perfect marriage and certainly didn't have perfect kids. But I do know that I loved Stewart with every ounce of my being and I believe, and I hope, that he loved me that much too. We had many ups and downs in our marriage and far more downs than ups to be honest. We rowed, we had money problems, we had problems to face with the kids, but we did it together and when we rowed, we made up and forgave, when we had money problems we sorted them out together finding ways to make money and when we had problems with the kids we sorted them out together. So I was very very lucky to have met my soul mate, the person I would have gladly shared every day of my life with.

I know that I am lucky that i had enough time to say some of the things I wanted to say to Stewart before I lost him. I know i am lucky i didn't have to watch him suffer for too long. I know he said to the kids everything he could have said.

I know I am lucky that I have my family, my friends, my kids to keep me going every day. I know I am lucky to have the most wonderful work colleague who keeps my spirits up and brings me wonderful chocolate and biscuits to get me through my day. So however unlucky I am to have lost my best friend and soul mate, maybe just maybe there is a reason behind it. Because before all this started both Stewart and I felt we didn't have masses of friends and that we needed to make the effort to get out and be with people. Yet tonight I spent time with a new friend I made since losing Stewart. Someone who I knew of due to her having lost her beautiful daughter some 18 months or so ago, but not someone who I would speak to. However from one visit to see me when I lost Stewart I have someone who is the kindest, sweetest lady you could imagine who I can share my inner most thoughts with, those of frustration and loss, those of humour at peoples comments although well meaning which are just so not appropriate and I know that she understands. She puts things into perspective for me and i hope I can help her just a little bit too. I have never been invited out for coffee, lunch, or the family invited to tea to so many people before. I have never had the phone ring so many times or the emails pop up with messages of support and love. It is an amazing thing to realise that actually some people quite like you and obviously quite liked Stewart. It's just such a shame he can't see this and benefit for it, for however a big, strong man he was he had little self confidence and although I told him he was a wonderful man, actually I never appreciated how wonderful and that he touched so many lives. We as a family are benefitting from this and I hope that he can see it.

So there we go, 12000 visits to my little blog, so even if you have visited my blog 100 times each, that is 120 people who have read what I have said, who have been interested and cared enough about my story and my life. It really, really, really is amazing that such sadness and loss can bring so much to someone - and that someone is me. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your support, you really really really do help me through each day with your comments.

Now, I must go back to my mundane life and do some shopping. We have no fruit or veg in the house and I can't just send Stewart out to get it like I used to. Mind you, as someone said there are perks. We have no need for marmite in the house, we only have the food we need being bought and we don't have mountains of one item just because it was on sale. Oh, and I've moved the kettle and cups to where I want them (sorry, Stewart) so I suppose I have to grab everything I can as a positive. (Mind you, if he keeps making my lights flash in the kitchen I will start getting quite cross with him - I can still shout at him from here and benefit from him not shouting back at me LOL).


Tash said...

Aaaah Susie! What a wonderful post - so full of hope and positive thought. You really are amazing and I cannot believe how strong you have been in the last few weeks & months. Just glad we could be there to help, even if it's only over the net and not in person. Glad to hear you have such a strong support network - and your new friend sounds marvellous!

Sending big hugs to you and the kids as always xxx

Anonymous said...

Wow this post is so uplifting, I have been following your posts all the way through and have cried with you, smiled with you and even given you hugs and through it all you have been so strong.
You seem better, not the best choice of words but brighter and looking toward the future which is great :)
Hey watch out for those lights, don't move too much or they might start flickering elsewhere bless!

Mrs Hedgehog said...

Wow, you have a way with words lady. Even in you grief you manage to mke others feel special and important in your life. take care Lx

Bevb said...

Suzy, you really are an inspiration to us all. You are doing so well Hun, be proud of yourself, the kids & Stewart. I am so glad you have found a good friend, every cloud has its silver lining. Even if Stewart does make the likghts flicker, at least you know he is still nearby.
Take care x

Annette said...

(((Hugs))) I don't think you realise how many people you have touched over the past few months - and how many (me included) you have made realise just what we take for granted every day - so from me - Thank you.

Trina said...

Aww Susy, your post really made me smile, being able to shout at Stewart and him not being able to shout back, even though I know you would give anything to have him shouting back at you.

I'm glad you have found someone who really understands, because although we all try, someone who has been through a similar thing can only really understand what you are going through.

Anyway we all love you and are here when ever you need us! Looking forward to seeing you again this month at the crop!

Love n hugs
Trina & Chloe xxx