Nearly 12,000

Yes, that is the total visits nearly to my blog. 12000 is such a huge number (and although it count's my visits, I don't read it that much!!)

I was thinking today of why I write my blog. I know I do it to keep a diary of everything so that when I am forgetful (which these days is most of the time) I can remember the order of things. I know I do it as it is cathartic to write down, almost privately, my feelings. I didn't realise though that it may help others. It wasn't my intention but it is something that makes me feel good, so thank you to everyone who has posted but special thanks to those brave enough to say my words have helped them. By saying that, you have helped me because at least I can feel that Stewart didn't die in vain. There was a reason and maybe, just maybe me writing this blog has helped someone through their pain or helped someone understand what someone is going through. Maybe this is the reason for everything, or does that sound big headed. I haven't saved anyone's life, I haven't find the cure for cancer, in fact I haven't actually done anything, yet with the words you kind people have left for me, I feel I have done something.

When I am calm and at some sort of peace and look at my life now, I realise that I have been extremely lucky. Firstly I am lucky to have known true and total love. Now don't get me wrong, Stewart and I didn't have the perfect relationship, didn't have the perfect marriage and certainly didn't have perfect kids. But I do know that I loved Stewart with every ounce of my being and I believe, and I hope, that he loved me that much too. We had many ups and downs in our marriage and far more downs than ups to be honest. We rowed, we had money problems, we had problems to face with the kids, but we did it together and when we rowed, we made up and forgave, when we had money problems we sorted them out together finding ways to make money and when we had problems with the kids we sorted them out together. So I was very very lucky to have met my soul mate, the person I would have gladly shared every day of my life with.

I know that I am lucky that i had enough time to say some of the things I wanted to say to Stewart before I lost him. I know i am lucky i didn't have to watch him suffer for too long. I know he said to the kids everything he could have said.

I know I am lucky that I have my family, my friends, my kids to keep me going every day. I know I am lucky to have the most wonderful work colleague who keeps my spirits up and brings me wonderful chocolate and biscuits to get me through my day. So however unlucky I am to have lost my best friend and soul mate, maybe just maybe there is a reason behind it. Because before all this started both Stewart and I felt we didn't have masses of friends and that we needed to make the effort to get out and be with people. Yet tonight I spent time with a new friend I made since losing Stewart. Someone who I knew of due to her having lost her beautiful daughter some 18 months or so ago, but not someone who I would speak to. However from one visit to see me when I lost Stewart I have someone who is the kindest, sweetest lady you could imagine who I can share my inner most thoughts with, those of frustration and loss, those of humour at peoples comments although well meaning which are just so not appropriate and I know that she understands. She puts things into perspective for me and i hope I can help her just a little bit too. I have never been invited out for coffee, lunch, or the family invited to tea to so many people before. I have never had the phone ring so many times or the emails pop up with messages of support and love. It is an amazing thing to realise that actually some people quite like you and obviously quite liked Stewart. It's just such a shame he can't see this and benefit for it, for however a big, strong man he was he had little self confidence and although I told him he was a wonderful man, actually I never appreciated how wonderful and that he touched so many lives. We as a family are benefitting from this and I hope that he can see it.

So there we go, 12000 visits to my little blog, so even if you have visited my blog 100 times each, that is 120 people who have read what I have said, who have been interested and cared enough about my story and my life. It really, really, really is amazing that such sadness and loss can bring so much to someone - and that someone is me. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your support, you really really really do help me through each day with your comments.

Now, I must go back to my mundane life and do some shopping. We have no fruit or veg in the house and I can't just send Stewart out to get it like I used to. Mind you, as someone said there are perks. We have no need for marmite in the house, we only have the food we need being bought and we don't have mountains of one item just because it was on sale. Oh, and I've moved the kettle and cups to where I want them (sorry, Stewart) so I suppose I have to grab everything I can as a positive. (Mind you, if he keeps making my lights flash in the kitchen I will start getting quite cross with him - I can still shout at him from here and benefit from him not shouting back at me LOL).