Saturday, 1 November 2008

3 weeks

Well, it is nearly exactly to the minute 3 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. It has been a roller coaster of a ride since then with emotions being high on the agenda. The kids are still amazing even though we have had some difficult days. It is so hard dealing with them without the support of Stewart behind them. When they are being argumentative or rude there is no one else to back me up, no one else to support me through it and no one else who can hold me and tell me they will be ok. I have cried most days but the mornings and evenings are the worst along with weekends, especially saturdays.

I couldn't face going to the synagogue today. It's so hard to be there when I know it is so many weeks exactly since Stew died. Every saturday is a milestone which makes it a hard day to get through. I feel as though every day I get through is another day nearer to me being with him again. How depressing is that thought - that all I want is to get through the rest of my life so that I can die and be in his arms again. I know that I have to learn to live my life again but I cannot imagine how I will do that with the pain that I feel. My heart physically hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots. It's that sinking feeling when I realise that Stewart is not out working or upstairs on the computer but that he never ever ever coming back.

I have started to ring his mobile just to hear his voice on the answerphone but actually it isn't a comfort just upsetting but I still do it. It's the last thing I have of him and I know that I have the kids but I want him here by my side.

There have been good moments over the past few weeks and I am lucky that the support of my family and friends is continuing. I am still having constant visitors which keeps me busy and makes the days easier but going into our bedroom at night just breaks my heart. I just miss him so much that words can't express it.

The support for the Race for Life 2009 walk/run that I want to do next year in his memory is gaining momentum and have so many women and girls offering to run it with me that it is incredible. I am hoping to also walk the Midnight Hospice Walk on May 16th with the kids and with the men folk who want to support me to raise money for St Gemma's. I hope I can make 100 men for that and 200 women for the Race for Life. That should give a huge boost to both Cancer Research and St Gemmas and will be a legacy in stewarts name. I also hope to get tshirts sponsored so that every member of "Team Stewart" will wear his photo and name and make me a very proud lady.

I have really rambled on today, sorry, but my thoughts aren't really straight, this time 3 weeks ago he was still just breathing and still with me, i cannot imagine how I will get over this devastation.


Eileen said...

Hi hun!

Just to top up your supply of {{{{{cyberhugs}}}}} and to remind you that there are a lot of folks thinking of you and remembering you in your prayers.

Your pain IS terrible at the moment, but like all pains it will change over time, leaving more of an ache than the sharp pains you are feeling at the moment.

An inscription was found on an Irish tombstone which read: Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Stewart is still with you, in your heart.


Clair and Sharni said...

Be strong Suzy...Things will get better with time xxx

daydreamer said...

You are all in my thoughts as always, you WILL have really bad days, its perfectly normal, just keep your children & loved ones around you, & take it step by step, unfortuanately there is no miracle cure for heartbreak,
you just learn to take a day at a time.

Annette said...

(((hugs))) because you need them right now.

It is normal for you to find it tough - but you will get through this - with the love of your family and friends.

Things will get better with time - stay strong.

danemi1 said...

didnt mean to intrude - just wanted to send you a really huge hug - and another for your family - not a lot really else I can say - I lost my Dad earlier this year and it is heartbreaking - all losses are but I think the one of your spouse is extremely hard to deal with - sorry to have intruded but didnt want to read and run


Claire said...

Sending hugs your way. You are an incredible lady who IS strong.

Claire x

Mum said...

Sending you love and hugs. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
with love, Margaret.