Well, it is nearly exactly to the minute 3 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. It has been a roller coaster of a ride since then with emotions being high on the agenda. The kids are still amazing even though we have had some difficult days. It is so hard dealing with them without the support of Stewart behind them. When they are being argumentative or rude there is no one else to back me up, no one else to support me through it and no one else who can hold me and tell me they will be ok. I have cried most days but the mornings and evenings are the worst along with weekends, especially saturdays.
I couldn't face going to the synagogue today. It's so hard to be there when I know it is so many weeks exactly since Stew died. Every saturday is a milestone which makes it a hard day to get through. I feel as though every day I get through is another day nearer to me being with him again. How depressing is that thought - that all I want is to get through the rest of my life so that I can die and be in his arms again. I know that I have to learn to live my life again but I cannot imagine how I will do that with the pain that I feel. My heart physically hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots. It's that sinking feeling when I realise that Stewart is not out working or upstairs on the computer but that he never ever ever coming back.
I have started to ring his mobile just to hear his voice on the answerphone but actually it isn't a comfort just upsetting but I still do it. It's the last thing I have of him and I know that I have the kids but I want him here by my side.
There have been good moments over the past few weeks and I am lucky that the support of my family and friends is continuing. I am still having constant visitors which keeps me busy and makes the days easier but going into our bedroom at night just breaks my heart. I just miss him so much that words can't express it.
The support for the Race for Life 2009 walk/run that I want to do next year in his memory is gaining momentum and have so many women and girls offering to run it with me that it is incredible. I am hoping to also walk the Midnight Hospice Walk on May 16th with the kids and with the men folk who want to support me to raise money for St Gemma's. I hope I can make 100 men for that and 200 women for the Race for Life. That should give a huge boost to both Cancer Research and St Gemmas and will be a legacy in stewarts name. I also hope to get tshirts sponsored so that every member of "Team Stewart" will wear his photo and name and make me a very proud lady.
I have really rambled on today, sorry, but my thoughts aren't really straight, this time 3 weeks ago he was still just breathing and still with me, i cannot imagine how I will get over this devastation.