Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Is it only a month?

Well it's the 11th November. A month since I lost Stewart. But it feels like forever since I saw him, touched him, talked to him, held him. The pain hasn't lessened but I have had moments where I've smiled. The kids are struggling too, Jamie is just finding he wants to be here supporting me and although he has just got back from visiting Natalie in Scotland he said he needed to be here instead, Alex is struggling to cope at school and his mood swings at home are worse than ever and Gemma is just one very sad little girl every night when she kisses her daddy's photo.

As for me, well I hate my life and although I need to carry on for the kids, I don't want to be here anymore. Without my soul mate, my best friend, my rock I feel there isnt a reason to get up in the morning. But I do and I go through the day's motions, speak to everyone, even laugh occasionally, but at the end of the day I know it will be just me going to bed and just me getting up and to be honest I hate my life.

I know that it will get better cos everyone says it does, I know that I will carry on living a life cos everyone says I will, I know that I will laugh again and smile again because I see that other's manage it, but at the moment it just feels like an uphill struggle.

I miss Stewart more than I ever could have imagined. I never realised that someone could be so part of your life that when it's taken away you feel that putting one foot in front of another is so difficult. I never realised that a month could go that slowly yet go that quickly at the same time. Where has the month gone, it is only yesterday I kissed him goodbye yet I feel as though he has been gone forever and sometimes I struggle to remember his kisses and hugs.

We have all managed firsts over the last 31 days, the kids are back to school, Jamie has been away, Jamie passed his driving test and we were happy for a moment, I went back yesterday to St Gemma's to hand a donation the synagogue had for them and to take a present. Now that was probably one of the hardest things I have done since I buried him and left him alone on a cold windy hill. Everyone remembered me and all commented what a lovely man Stewart was but it brought back so many memories and was so hard to be there without him.

I also went back to work for the day yesterday and am going in to do a job today there but I want to do another first and probably the hardest one. I want to go to the cemetery and see Stewart. I know he's not there, I know it's only the shell of him we buried but I just need to go and see him. It's the nearest I will get to touching him again and although I will be talking to a mound of soil, it's what I know I need to do at 12.30pm today, exactly one month since I lost him. I am so apprehensive and not sure I will actually do it but it is my goal for the day. That and survive till bedtime without too many tears and tantrums (from me and the kids!!)

So after this depressing post I better go and get ready for work, get the boys off on time, sort myself out, give myself a talking to to enable me to put my smiley face on for the world and I will catch up with you later.


Jackie said...


I have been following your blog for a few weeks now and your courage astounds me, I can only imagine the pain you are feeling as I know how I would feel if I lost my soul mate.

I hope you find the courage to go to the cemetary today. When my dad died I went every evening after work, I just felt closer to him and now mum is with him I go often just to talk to them or show them things, I was so proud when I got my new BMW and I know that my dad would have loved to have a tinker under the bonnet!

I think you are one amazing person and you will come through this just because you are, your children are a credit to you both.

Take care

Ruth said...

My heart goes out to you. The best piece of advice that I can give you is this: You will never get over the loss of Stewart but you will get used to it. You are in my prayers.

Annette said...

Just have a few (((hugs)))

gwyneth said...

Just catching up and sending you (((hugs))) Susy. Reading your post is like a replay of nearly 10 years ago for me and you're doing so well sweetie - no it's no use me saying it gets better, it won't ever be better it's just with time you learn to live with it and adjust your life to a different one that you shared with Stewart sweetie.
I hope you had some comfort from your visit yesterday - take care.

daydreamer said...

Sending you lots of hugs & support

Anonymous said...

Just sending you hugs and appreciating your honesty. I know it doesn't help your loss and grief but there have been many times since I have been following your blog that what you are going through has impacted on me and my life. Little things which I would have rowed with my husband about I let go - life is truly too precious to waste it angry over nothing. God Bless You All,

Eileen said...

Thinking of you, Susy, and sending {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
I hope you did got to the cemetery and talk to Stewart - he was there, just like he's still everywhere in your life, but as your last physical link that may be somewhere you feel more able to talk to him.
You continue to amaze me, despite saying you feel that everything is such a major effort you have the energy to organise everyone in fundraising in Stewart's memory.

Keeping you in my prayers xx

voodoo vixen said...

Hi Susy, still pop in onto your blog to see how you are doing, don't always leave a comment, just sort of check up on a very brave lady who is walking a very difficult path - hope your visit with Stewart helped.

Clair and Sharni said...

Hi Susy, I'm the same as Annette (voodoo vixen)...I just have to keep popping back here to see how you're doing but dont always leave a message. however you are in my thoughts constantly & I feel so very very sad for you. I cant imagine life without my Alan it seems un-bearable, I dont know how you are coping, but you are,your'e doing it!..You are so very brave & strong.
Sending loads of cyber{{{HUGS}}}as thats all i can do...hope they help just a little xxx