Saturday, 20 June 2009

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day Stew. We never really made a big deal of it but it does seem odd to have it going on without you. I know the kids are very aware of it and I am not mentioning it unless they do. Gemma has asked to go up to see you and I hope that Jamie is home from his weekend away in time to take her. I have done ok but then I popped out to get milk and bread tonight from the Co-Op and there was a display of father's day presents. It wasn't that that got to me, but the huge bar of toblerone sat on the display. You see, every year for father's day I'd buy him a big bar of toblerone and every year it would sit in the cupboard till I ate it and then Stew would ask where it had gone. For some reason seeing this bar tonight just really hit home and I stood there with tears pouring down my face. The cashier wasn't sure what to do so I paid rather quickly and came home.

In some ways getting over tomorrow will be good because we can have a break until september with no obvious "dates" coming up and although September and October are going to be awful, we will get through it.

I am more worried about afterwards when life, as they say, returns to normal with no first to get through. Who is going to be there for me when things are tough, who is going to change the light bulb that's too high up for me, who is going to hold my hand when we have sats, gcse's and alevels going on in the house at the same time, who is going to cuddle me again and make me feel like I am in the safest place in the world. I suppose I will get used to being on my own, which, even with three very noisy, very boisterous and very wonderful children I am. Even with all the wonderful family and friends I have, i am on my own. And that is what I am scared of. But I know he had faith that I could do it and it is only that that will get me through. I know he is close by just not close enough to touch. Sometimes from nowhere I can smell his aftershave or feel a kiss on my head and it's then that I know that however alone I am, I am not. He will always be with me, by my side and I have to gain strength from that.

I am going away at the weekend without the kids which will be nice and I just hope I can put my grief and feelings away for 3 days and have a real good laugh. I should be able to based on the fact I am going away with a load of loonies (in the nicest possible way) - the LPD's and if it is half as good as last year we are in for a weekend of giggling. I can't wait to see Lynn who I haven't seen since last year and the thought of scrapping, eating, drinking, staying our PJ's is a wonderful combination so as long as I can get myself organised in time I'll be fine. I've packed my scrapping stuff but now need to sort the kids out to have food in, do all the washing etc, tidy the house, pack Gemma to go to her grandparents, pack Jamie for his holiday which he leaves for the day after I get back (2 weeks with his mates - OMG be warned tenerife LOL), and work at my day job and sort out all the invites I've promised to do as well. It will be a hectic week but at least the weekend will come faster - lets just hope I don't sleep through it all LOL

Many thanks once again for following me and I hope I haven't caused too many tears (sorry especially to Eileen and Karen xxxxx)

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Where does the time go?

Well what can I say except HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE. Yes, today is my darling eldest son's 18th birthday and I have to say he is an amazing young man. Without him the past months would have been unbearable. He has been amazingly strong for me and kept me going through my darkest hours, so I was determined to make today as special as it could be.

Last night at about 11pm he had a bit of a wobble, he looked awful and it was obvious that he was upset. He headed out for a drive and I knew he had gone to the local airport, where his dad and he would go when he was little and by the time he was back he was looking better. At the stroke of midnight we shared a few minutes together just contemplating our life and he told me he had also been to our local Sainsbury's car park. Last year at midnight I took him out for his first ever drive and we drove, very slowly, round and round the carpark. So last night he drove it in reverse. When I asked him why, he said that things had started to go wrong just after his birthday and he thought by going in reverse he mght reverse our bad luck. There isn't much you can say to that is there?

I also decided to give him an album I had made for him.

In January 2008 I decided that having seen all the Leeds Paper Dolls make amazing layouts etc, that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to do and if nothing else, I would scrapbook an album for Jamie's 18th. I had 18 months to do it and reckoned on 1 layout a month at the crop. However, I didn't realise I would get so hooked on it. Stewart and I chose the photo's together and the sentiments that went with them and every page was shown to Stewart when it was finished. I am so grateful that I had completed the album before he died, with the exception of the letter to go in the back, and that I could honestly say to Jamie that this was a present from his dad and I. There were a tears, but I am pleased because Jamie keeps everything inside and I hoped that having some release last night he could enjoy today. And I think he did. We had an afternoon tea for the family and close friends and about 50 people came, less than planned, but they filled the house. It was a lovely atmosphere and Jamie loved being the centre of attention. However, more importantly, it showed him that even without his dad he can smile and enjoy himself and that all these people genuinly loved him for what he is.

I have to thank Sarah and Fiona (and Mark) for coming in and helping me prepare and calm me down in my panic that I haven't enough food, it won't be ready in time etc and another set of thanks to Debra and Malcolm for helping me clear up. A special thanks goes to Debra for helping for shop for an outfit at 5pm on friday LOL - I am incredibly lucky to have so many amazing wonderful and dear friends without whom my life would be even harder.

Tonight was topped off by Jamie taking me and his eldest cousin to the pub for a drink (well a legal drink) and how disappointed was he that they didn't ask him for his ID!!!! Typical eh!!

I am incredibly proud of myself too as I didn't shed many tears today and held it together, but tonight I know that when I go to bed and have my nightly chat with Stew,they will come but that's ok - that's what bedtime is for.

Stew would have been (or should I say is) so incredibly proud of the young man our son has become. Like many parents you muddle through and hope you are doing things right. Well I am so pleased to say that we did get it right and we have a caring, loving, thoughtful and fun young man in our family who I can only wish the best for for the rest of his life because if anyone deserves it - he does.

I will sign off now because my feet are throbbing (high heeled boots from 9am to 7pm is not good), my back aches (moving furniture, food preparation and those darned high heeled boots again LOL) and I am shattered so I will make a hot water bottle for my back and head for hopefully a peaceful nights sleep, knowing that another huge tick has been put in another box and we have faced and survived a huge hurdle that I know both Jamie and I have been dreading.

Once again thanks to everyone who comments and continues to give me support and words of wisdom - you are all stars xxxxxx