Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day Stew. We never really made a big deal of it but it does seem odd to have it going on without you. I know the kids are very aware of it and I am not mentioning it unless they do. Gemma has asked to go up to see you and I hope that Jamie is home from his weekend away in time to take her. I have done ok but then I popped out to get milk and bread tonight from the Co-Op and there was a display of father's day presents. It wasn't that that got to me, but the huge bar of toblerone sat on the display. You see, every year for father's day I'd buy him a big bar of toblerone and every year it would sit in the cupboard till I ate it and then Stew would ask where it had gone. For some reason seeing this bar tonight just really hit home and I stood there with tears pouring down my face. The cashier wasn't sure what to do so I paid rather quickly and came home.

In some ways getting over tomorrow will be good because we can have a break until september with no obvious "dates" coming up and although September and October are going to be awful, we will get through it.

I am more worried about afterwards when life, as they say, returns to normal with no first to get through. Who is going to be there for me when things are tough, who is going to change the light bulb that's too high up for me, who is going to hold my hand when we have sats, gcse's and alevels going on in the house at the same time, who is going to cuddle me again and make me feel like I am in the safest place in the world. I suppose I will get used to being on my own, which, even with three very noisy, very boisterous and very wonderful children I am. Even with all the wonderful family and friends I have, i am on my own. And that is what I am scared of. But I know he had faith that I could do it and it is only that that will get me through. I know he is close by just not close enough to touch. Sometimes from nowhere I can smell his aftershave or feel a kiss on my head and it's then that I know that however alone I am, I am not. He will always be with me, by my side and I have to gain strength from that.

I am going away at the weekend without the kids which will be nice and I just hope I can put my grief and feelings away for 3 days and have a real good laugh. I should be able to based on the fact I am going away with a load of loonies (in the nicest possible way) - the LPD's and if it is half as good as last year we are in for a weekend of giggling. I can't wait to see Lynn who I haven't seen since last year and the thought of scrapping, eating, drinking, staying our PJ's is a wonderful combination so as long as I can get myself organised in time I'll be fine. I've packed my scrapping stuff but now need to sort the kids out to have food in, do all the washing etc, tidy the house, pack Gemma to go to her grandparents, pack Jamie for his holiday which he leaves for the day after I get back (2 weeks with his mates - OMG be warned tenerife LOL), and work at my day job and sort out all the invites I've promised to do as well. It will be a hectic week but at least the weekend will come faster - lets just hope I don't sleep through it all LOL

Many thanks once again for following me and I hope I haven't caused too many tears (sorry especially to Eileen and Karen xxxxx)