Busy doing nothing

Well thought I should update on this blog on the weeks that have gone by - it has been a tough week for us all. I think it is starting to hit us how hard this is going to be. We have had some really rough days individually and a couple of really bad days as a whole which was really not nice to live through but I suppose we should expect it. When we all have a tough day then there is nothing that can be done to help us through it, except to get through to bed time, sleep and start again.

Not sure why this week has been so hard, is it cos it's 8 weeks and that in itself is a milestone, i mean on thursday it is 2 months. I can't get my head round that figure, 2 months without seeing him, hearing him, touching him. And my god, this is it for the rest of my life, no stewart, wham that feels like i have been hit by a steam train. I knew i would have to hit rock bottom to get back up and i think i am definately on the way down if not at the bottom but I have to pick myself up and start my life all over because i have three wonderful reasons and although it is going to be hard, I am going to do it.

And to top my horrid day off yesterday, i fell coming out of work, exacerbated my shoulder injury and totally destroyed my knee which is very very sore and a mess. It was so hard coming home and not having Stew here to make me feel better or look after me. That really hit me hard because after telling me how stupid I was for falling he would have been so caring and let me rest, but I had to get on with it and that in itself was hard.

So, to start with getting back into a "normal" life I have applied for membership at WAY, a young bereaved partners group. I have spoken to Winston's Wishes to get some help for the kids, the boys now have someone to talk to, i have requested Gem's school get someone in and I need to speak to the oncologist to answer some questions I have. On a personal note, I am having a busy weekend, going to a 12 hour crop with the Paper Dolls on Saturday. Although the kids were supporting me going, it was only this week that I realised I hadn't sorted out the kids for food and care whilst I was away, I suppose I had forgotten Stew wasn't here to have them, but my family and friends are amazing. Gem is going to her friends, the boys are sorted for food, Jamie is going to the football and picking up Gem when he gets home and I am allowed to be out till 10pm. I am so looking forward to it as it is my anniversary with the paper dolls but at the same time, so nervous that I am leaving the kids for that long without me. Sunday I am working then have a 50th anniversary party at lunch to go to - I am sooooo nervous as other than a table of us "youngsters" they will all be my parent's ages and some of them I haven't seen during the last 8 weeks so there will no doubt be sympathy and tilted heads all afternoon - great can't wait!!! but I know it's a good "first" because come the new year I have a 50th birthday to attend which I am hoping will be easier for me doing this week.

So, I suppose it isn't any easier at the moment but we are muddling through. I am going for my monthly visit to Stewart on Thursday as long as the snow doesn't come down again which I am hoping will give me some peace and we are set for another month. I want to scoop the kids up and hold them and take away all their pain, but I can't and I think that is the hardest thing about this. But I am determined we will get through this and start living - they have their lives ahead of them filled with all the excitement it will bring and I want to ensure they are ok in themselves to not miss those opportunities. Without the support I am getting I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other, so I suppose that even though I am bleary eyed typing this at 7am in a morning, I am out of bed again and starting another day, which at the moment is an achievement in itself!