Ups and Downs and denials

Well, we are into the first week of a new year and so far it hasn't been too bad, well maybe not too bad is an exageration but you know what I mean.

There are still many issues to sort out - Jamie being 17 is being a mix of a typical 17 years old teenager and a young man trying very hard to step into his daddy's shoes. However, the problem we have is that we are not ready for this and it sometimes makes things difficult. However, tonight we have had a brief chat, well more me telling him and him listening and I hope he understands but who knows, I just got the obligatory grunt - however he is still being amazing but he just needs to find his feet.

Alex is really suffering from middle child syndrome - he isn't the man of the house and he isn't the baby and he feels that we don't listen to him. To be honest, we don't most of the time cos he tends to talk total and utter crap (always has so this isn't new) but I do believe that we need to take the time to listen to him at least even if we don't follow up on things. He has been amazing this week and bless him, is helping me out so much.

Gemma is really throwing the gauntlet into the ring with some of her behaviour. After taking advice that when she has a strop and shouts things at us we should ignore it and it will stop, it slowed down but when it happened it was horrendous. So last week I broke all the rules in the book and gave her a piece of my mind, telling her if she continued like this she would make me unhappy and I would have to go into hospital and then she would have to go to grandma's. She wasn't happy about this option at all (grandma is loving but exceptionally strict) and having had a real talking to, with the offer of telling me she is angry instead of shouting at me and the second option of going into the bathroom and shouting it at the wall, without me telling her off for her language or anger, she has definately improved. I felt awful, taking away her security blanket of me being here for ever but I just couldn't cope with it any longer, it was making my life even worse which I never thought possible. She is also back to her old tricks of coming downstairs after going to bed and not getting enough sleep. So after a long chat with a friend (thanks Charlotte) we have set up a new routine that she goes to bed at 9pm and is allowed, for an hour to either watch telly, listen to music, read, paint whatever she wants but it is lights out at 10pm and from 9pm she isn't allowed downstairs. The times change for non school nights to 10pm and 11pm (bless her she is a night owl so won't sleep earlier). I have promised in return that if she does this every night, I will reward her at the weekend with a special hour together doing something together, such as painting her nails, pedicure, baking, painting, doing her jigsaw or doing a LO together. Lets see if it works but so far so good tonight!!!

As for me, well I have the flu with a chest infection and swollen glands and not only do I look divine but I feel really really bad. I know if I could go to bed for a couple of days I would sort myself out but obviously without Stew to help me, that's impossible so I will have to get on with things.

I have also decided that instead of thinking of Stewart not being here and never coming back, the easiest way to get through the day is to think of him either at work or upstairs and so far I am better for it. I know I will have to deal with the forever at some point but with everything else going on, this will have to be the way I get through it.

I so miss him all the time and just want one hug, one kiss (ok a big kiss but one kiss) and to hear him talk to me and tell me he loves me one more time. I know Jamie is right in saying that if I got that I would want more, but at the moment I would settle for that!!!!

I have been off work sick but need to go in tomorrow - not sure how I will cope - I might be home again quicker than you can say "jack robinson" so we will see. Its a busy time of the year (actually it is always a busy time but its a busier time) so I really need to sort things out.

I have had some lovely emails over the last few days and one very special one from a fellow UKS'er who unfortunately lost her husband a few years ago offering to meet up with me. She is a member of a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50 to join) called WAY which I have joined but not actually attended anything yet. I thought meeting her might be nice on two levels, obviously she sounds lovely and has been very supportive and she has been exceptionally understanding and supportive but also because we have something other than bereavement in common - we have scrapping. Sounds like this could be good for me and I have promised myself I WILL make the effort to meet up with her soon.

As for my scrapping - well I am only really doing it at the crops at the moment. That's because between times I am sorting out my life (no tall order that one!!), sorting out the kids, making ordered cards but most importantly making ordered invitations. I have got my 4th ever order which means I have 3 on the go at the moment which certainly keeps the mind busy!!!

I moved my dining room round on Saturday morning - don't ask, I just got up with bags of energy and a mad idea of how I could make things better and actually have a comfy chair in here (the room where we eat, I craft and is the kitchen too) so that I can chill out with the telly if the kids are in the lounge. Well after doing it "arse over tit" as Jamie put it, I got there with some help from the kids and I must say I think I am pleased with it. It is definately roomier in here and I think more organised but then again I can't find anything as I am too organised (LOL). So I am sat here at my craft desk, the patio is open so Boo can go out if needed (we are STILL trying to housetrain him) and my legs are freezing (it must be minus 4 at least) with a cup of tea typing this. However, one of the jobs I have to do over the next few days is sort some kits out with photos as I am cropping on Saturday (6 hours of MEEEEE time - so excited) but hopefully now I am organised this shouldn't be too bad.

I did treat myself today to the new cricut blade which is supposed to cut out chipboard - haven't had the time to try it but I will (how odd, I am actually talking about crafting of my craft blog and not just about my sad life - I must be moving forward a little!!). I did some lovely (though I say so myself) LO's at the last crop - 2 doubles and a single which I must photograph so I can upload for you.

Right I have waffled and waffled on here, not sure it makes sense but as usual I do feel a benefit of getting my feelings onto "paper" if you know what I mean, and I hope you have managed to follow it!!! Off to bed now to warm up with a water bottle and another cuppa!!