Sorry, but that is exactly how I'm feeling. You see Stewart has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Who knows how long he has got but by god I am going to make it the best it can be.
We went for further scans today (not sure why to be honest, they've told us the worst) and a fitting for the mask he needs for the radiotherapy he is having to hopefully shrink the tumour in his eye and make life a little more comfortable. He will have 5 days of radiotherapy and then a break when we will find out the scan results and possibly start some chemo to try and stop the cancer spreading as fast as it is.
Yesterday can only be described as the day I never wanted to have, a day from hell. To come home and tell your children that daddy is poorly and there is only a minute percentage of a chance that he could recover is the worst thing I have ever had to do. Yet they all reacted differently. Jamie at 17 is absolutely adamant that whilst there is any hope that is what we live by and that dad will be fine, Alex at 14 just wanted to know if he could have a laptop (LOL), but is very concerned that the business we have which was named after the two boys (started before no3 arrived) would go, and the name would be gone forever - it's funny how he sees things, but his older brother has been a star and said that anytime he needs him at school, he will be there for him - what an amazing child I have there. As for the little one, Gemma (9), she just knows that daddy is very poorly, I couldn't tell her anything else.
Stewart is the most amazing man, and yes, he's cried and he says his stomach is in knots but he is being so incredibly brave - he really is my hero.
As for me, well I've cried, I've kicked the door, I've stamped my feet and I am putting a brave face on. I will not let him know how frightened I am, how lost I will be without him by my side, how I want to curl up in a ball and hide from it all. He will see a smile on my face, a cuddle and a kiss whenever he wants it and the best days, months (and in my dreams, years) I can give him. I am hoping when he has had the radiotherapy and it hopefully makes him more comfortable, we can have the quality time as a couple and as a family we need. I think my camera will be out permanently so that we have reminders of everything we do.
Our family and friends have been so amazing. Words don't say what I want to say about them. I just know that we will be ok with them watching out for us. All I need now, is everyone who reads this to just give me 2 minutes, look up to heaven and say a little prayer for us. As Jamie's status on facebook says, We're wishing on a star!!