Friday, 12 September 2008

Life's a bitch

Sorry, but that is exactly how I'm feeling. You see Stewart has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Who knows how long he has got but by god I am going to make it the best it can be.

We went for further scans today (not sure why to be honest, they've told us the worst) and a fitting for the mask he needs for the radiotherapy he is having to hopefully shrink the tumour in his eye and make life a little more comfortable. He will have 5 days of radiotherapy and then a break when we will find out the scan results and possibly start some chemo to try and stop the cancer spreading as fast as it is.

Yesterday can only be described as the day I never wanted to have, a day from hell. To come home and tell your children that daddy is poorly and there is only a minute percentage of a chance that he could recover is the worst thing I have ever had to do. Yet they all reacted differently. Jamie at 17 is absolutely adamant that whilst there is any hope that is what we live by and that dad will be fine, Alex at 14 just wanted to know if he could have a laptop (LOL), but is very concerned that the business we have which was named after the two boys (started before no3 arrived) would go, and the name would be gone forever - it's funny how he sees things, but his older brother has been a star and said that anytime he needs him at school, he will be there for him - what an amazing child I have there. As for the little one, Gemma (9), she just knows that daddy is very poorly, I couldn't tell her anything else.

Stewart is the most amazing man, and yes, he's cried and he says his stomach is in knots but he is being so incredibly brave - he really is my hero.

As for me, well I've cried, I've kicked the door, I've stamped my feet and I am putting a brave face on. I will not let him know how frightened I am, how lost I will be without him by my side, how I want to curl up in a ball and hide from it all. He will see a smile on my face, a cuddle and a kiss whenever he wants it and the best days, months (and in my dreams, years) I can give him. I am hoping when he has had the radiotherapy and it hopefully makes him more comfortable, we can have the quality time as a couple and as a family we need. I think my camera will be out permanently so that we have reminders of everything we do.

Our family and friends have been so amazing. Words don't say what I want to say about them. I just know that we will be ok with them watching out for us. All I need now, is everyone who reads this to just give me 2 minutes, look up to heaven and say a little prayer for us. As Jamie's status on facebook says, We're wishing on a star!!


Anonymous said...

Love to you & your family Susy.
You will be in my prayers ,as a family we have been down this difficult path & I will be thinking of you all.
Denise xxx

daydreamer said...

My prayers are with you & your family, i cannot imagine what you must be going through, my heart goes out to you all, Rachel xxx

Anonymous said...

It's OK to be frightened, Suzy. Anybody would be. Allow yourself a private moment each day to cry and be angry and be scared and kick things and break things. After that, you will feel stronger for yourself and your family. We went through that bad experience with my mother in law a couple of years ago. It was very very tough, so we can guess how you feel.
But remember that by taking care of yourself first you will do a better job at taking care of others. And I agree with your daughter, as long as there is hope, hang on to that.
Big big hugs. Anne

Jackie said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you. I don't know what else to say everything is just too inadequate my heart goes out to you.
Take care

rachel said...

thinking of you all susy xx

Anonymous said...

do not know you or your family but I have tears in my eyes - found this though UKS - I cannot imagine what you are going through. I agree please try to look after yourself to be able to look after your family x x

Tanya said...

I have read your posts from UKS and cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. I am wishing you all the strength to get through these times, god bless.

Eileen said...

I knew from UKS that you Stewart was having big problems, but your blog has moved me to tears. You've had to call on hope before, but this time is so much harder, when you know his time is going to be short, just not how short.

How can anyone offer you advice? No one has been in your exact situation, they cannot know how you are feeling - but people are thinking of you, and praying for you, and will do so in the weeks and months ahead.

I'm so pleased to hear that you are fighting - not so much to 'fight' the cancer, but to make sure that Stewart has the best time possible, and that your lovely children have as many happy memories as possible to help them through the sad times ahead. Just remember that this goes for you too, you will have your memories, but don't wear yourself to a frazzle, you'll need your strength.

Thinking of you, and sending up some special prayers.

Lou said...

Despite everything, today must have been such a shock. Your family and friends seem wonderful. You must allow yourself to be angry or upset, listen to your body, don't store it up.

Even though I have been through something very similar, I cant imagine what you are all going through. I am here if you want to rant, or cry or just to share what you are going through, please feel free to get in contact.

You are all in my thoughts.

Lou xx (louloucrafts on UKS)

GlitteryKatie said...

HElls bells- I'm really sorry- this is a crappy thing to happen :(
Came over as I saw your post on UKS and I wanted to leave a note- to let you know that we'll be praying for you from our house.
One day at a time guys!

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh - you and your family will be in my prayers tonight. God bless you all and give you strength to cope with whatever the future holds for you.

dddeeebbbzzz said...

So sorry to hear the news. Can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Many hugs and prayers being sent in your direction. Take care of yourself. Much love to you all. Debbie x