Not a good day

well this post isn't crafty and it isn't happy either, but I am hoping it will be cathartic to me so my apologies.

Today we went back to the specialist about my darling husband's eye problem, and although we didn't see the consultant we saw a wonderful registrar. He agreed that stewart should have a ct scan and as soon as possible but wasn't convinced he could get it that quickly. He checked stewart's eyes again and told us to get a cup of tea whilst he went off to see what he could do. The change in his tack over handling this, ie. not going home and waiting for him to ring worried me, but then again i worry over everything. Before we managed to get the tea they were back telling us they had got him booked in immediately. The CT scan was done and home we came to await the results. I rang about 4pm and was rung back to be told the prelim report was in but he was waiting for the main report. However at 6pm he rang to say it hadn't come in, so I asked him to be straight with me, and unfortunately he told me stewart had a mass behind his eye. Unfortunately he had a second mass behind his other eye too which meant it was highly unlikely this was an inflamation of tissue. So it looks like we are battling the big C for a third time. I had to make the decision as to whether to tell stewart, who was sleeping, or to wait till tomorrow but as I would want to know if it was me, then I felt I should be honest and tell him, which I did when he woke up. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and no doubt if the results confirm it tomorrow then telling the kids will be even worse.

At the moment I want to pick up stewart and run away where cancer can't find us but I know I can't. On top of the worry of the cancer is the fact that as stewart is self employed this whole thing could mean we lose our home and our life as we know it which will break our hearts, as we have had to struggle so hard to put the roof over our heads. I am beside myself with worry but as only my mum and dad know (and that is only because they called round as I was telling stewart) I don't know what to do. I am sat here listening ot stewart in the other room watching tv and laughing, it has so not sunken in for him, a defence mechanism I know but it means that when I talk to him it isn't registering.

I am soooooo angry at the world and at god for putting my kind and sweet husband through this again. I know he isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination and has made many mistakes over the years, but he doesn't deserve this. I am so scared that I will lose him, my best friend, and the thought of having to do this all on my own is the scariest feeling in the world. I know that I am going to have to put my head up and a smile on my face for the world because otherwise I think I will sink.

I hoped by typing this and making this a record of what is happening and how I feel, I will cope with whatever is thrown at us and I hope you will bear with me during this time.

I do know that I am so lucky to have so many friends and family who, when they know what is happening will be there for us, but as someone who finds it so hard to ask for help but much rather offer it, it will be a trying time for me too. I am going to have to put my pride away and speak to people honestly. I will need to write lists of questions and things that need solving, I will need to sort out work, I will need to be strong for Stewart, so this blog could be my best friend and something I share with stewart when it is all over and he is well again.

Thank you for reading this.