Thursday, 23 October 2008

Up days and Down days

Hi again, been told off by my fellow LPD for not updating my blog and offloading so here goes!!!

Well the good news is Boo is settling in nicely and sleeping through the night. Not really getting the housetraining yet but has learnt to "sit" today so that's something. He is so sweet and brings so much joy to the family.

As for the rest, well I am ok when I have visitors and it's wonderful that I have had so many. In fact I have thought about putting a revolving door in the front of the house to help the flow but maybe security would be an issue!! Yesterday was a tough one for my eldest, Jamie and last night we talked and talked and cried and cried. But this morning was one of those days you just want to hide under the covers. It is my first really really bad day and I can't seem to get my mood to lift, although the many visitors who have been round today have helped. It is the fact that I cannot imagine living my life without Stewart but have to, that is making me feel so angry, guilty, hurt etc - I really do understand the saying "dying of a broken heart" because without the children that is exactly what I would do. I have a huge hole in my chest which is a physical pain and it is there every second of every day. The only relief I get is when I smell the aftershave Stewart used to wear, I have sprayed it onto his pillow which I sleep with every night. I know it's not him but it's the best I have.

I have managed to findd the Cruse Bereavement website and having read some of their pamphlets feel a little better that my feelings are "normal". I am not ready for bereavement counselling but maybe just maybe it will help me in time.

9 comments:

romi said...

Oh, Susy. I can feel your heart breaking from here.

One day at a time.

Vicky xx

Joanne2403 said...

Susy you have every right to feel as do so don't beat yourself up over it hun. Your doing so well, such a strong lady but I guess you don't want to hear that right now. Try and think of how Stewart would want you to be ... I guess he would want you to be happy so take strength from that a little huh.
Wish I could hug you and help take some of the load, I am thinking of you and the family, hugs to the new ickle guy xxx

Eileen said...

You don't deserve this pain, hun, but you WILL survive it. Just take every day at a time, and take any support (or diversion) which is offered to you.

Thinking of you, and praying.

Eileen xx

Mrs Hedgehog said...

Aww Sweetie one day at a time don't try and run before you can walk.
No-one expects you to just carry on as normal. Life has changed in such a huge way it will never be the same but it will be different and those wonderful children of yours will be your support and help to look forward.

Lx

daydreamer said...

Bless you, you are coping brilliantly, & your little newcomer Boo is gorgeous, You must take each day at a time, & don't expect too much too soon. Keep your family & friends around you, so you can comfort each other
Hugs xx

snowgoose and kitty cat said...

Susy, you are doing what you should be doing, nothing you are doing or feeling is out of place. It takes time, and you know that saying. That doesn't mean that time takes away your memories, just makes them less raw. It took me at least a month to stop sobbing when my mother died, and that's not even my husband. So sleeping with his pillow, using his aftershave (heck wearing his aftershave), to me is what and where you should be right now.
It does get easier to face each new day, to want to take on new things, but there's a time and a place for this. For every thing there is a season.
At one stage all these things made no sense to me, what does it mean time is a healer, what does a season for all things mean, what are they on about, this too shall pass...mum died 6 years ago, I now understand what these things mean, you will do too......but right now is your time to grieve, to find some joy in the little things, to take comfort from where ever you can.
I hope I haven't said anything wrong here, I so don't want to make this harder for you. I just want you to know that you are normal, that you are brave, that you are amazing.

Annette said...

((hugs))

Gwyneth said...

Thinking of you Susy, I feel for you so much and know full well what you're going through. Take each day at a time, this is no time to put a stiff upper lip to the world sweetie. It's so totally normal to be angry. You'll get through it little by little but in your own time. Cry whenever you feel like it and cry together with the children,it does help.

PM me on UKS if you need my phone no for a chat.
(((((( hugs )))))
Gwyneth
x

Eileen said...

Just 'checking up on you' (in the kindest way, I hope), thinking of you, and sending {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and prayers. xx