Those are the three words I would use to explain how I feel after the past week.
I cannot believe the support we have received during our week of mourning. The memories of Stewart by so many people have been amazing. We have had visitors constantly during the week and in the evenings for prayers and it has been a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by so much love. I am totally humbled by the love that people felt for Stewart during his life and in some ways feel guilty for not realising what a totally amazing and wonderful man I was married to. He has touched so many people's lives in so many ways, from DJ'ing at their special events, being a friendly and efficient electrician and generally being a good friend to all. The letters and cards we have received are coming in a constant stream from people from so many backgrounds that it is amazing.
My children have been phenominal and I (and I know their dad) am so incredibly proud of them. They are a credit to us and more so a credit to themselves.
Tomorrow's Jewish Telegraph is running an obituary on Stewart with quotes from many leading figures in our community and once again I cannot believe so many people want to voice their feelings, and to top it all it will be front page news - something that has blown me away but made me the proudest wife in the world.
There will also be the announcements from the family to read through and I am sure there will be many tears shed over it tomorrow.
At the moment I veer from crying, to laughing, to angry, to numb and tomorrow is the start of a normal life again - it will be a totally different normal to the past 20 years because of course the most important person in our lives will be missing but I know that we have to start to get our lives in order and start living. It will take a long time for me to get out in the normal world but for the kids the routine of school, homework and socialising must begin again. They have their whole lives ahead of them and must grasp every opportunity they can. As for me, well who knows. I have the most amazing family and friends supporting me and as one friend said to me tonight, we will hoist you back up and even give you a huge shove up if we have to.
I miss Stewart with every bone in my body and with every breath that I take, I am still waiting for him to walk in through the door and shout "hello doll" at me and the hardest thing is that I know that I won't ever hear that again. He is my light and the has been the reason for everything I do and I know that I have to focus on the positives now and the future, but I also know that it will be the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
Stewart, you were everything to me and I miss you so much. I miss the smile you gave just to me, the hugs and the kisses and the safety I always felt in your arms. You were the sunshine of my life and I hope that you are safe and happy and free from pain and that you will watch over all of us and keep us safe. RIP my darling. xxxx (remember sweetheart that I will love you forever and a day).