Tuesday, 28 October 2008

17 days

Yes it's been 17 days since I lost my darling Stewart. Doesn't sound much does it, a fortnights holiday plus a bit, half a month, 17 days. Yet it feels like eternity. I have only ever been away from Stewart for 5 days on the run and I constantly spoke to him and I knew he was joining me at the end. The feeling like he has been gone forever is the most difficult. I suppose I really lost him when he went into hospital the first time because he was only home again for 5 days and for 3 of those he was really poorly. Although during his stay in hospital he was quite well once the pain medication kicked in, it isn't the same as just being together. The 5 minutes we had cuddled on the bed behind the closed curtains was really the last close, intimate moment we shared and although we managed the odd cuddle for a couple of seconds in St Gemma's he really wasn't well by that stage.

He was always my support, my rock and without him I am missing an important part of my life. It's like I've lost my right arm and everything I do is impossibly hard.

The feeling of true pain from the morning when I wake up to the time sleep takes me over is unbearable and yes, I admit there are moments it isn't as intense but it's there all the time. I know that I will learn to live alongside this pain later, as others do, but at the moment it is all a bit too much to bear.

However, to add to everything it all seems to be sinking in with the kids and the financial situation we find ourselves in is kicking in here at home.

The boys went back to school yesterday and joined the morning prayers at school in order to recite the "Kaddish" - mourners prayer they are to say daily for a year. It was a difficult time for them both as obviously they are the only ones (thank god) in this position and for a large school it makes them stand out. I had rung the school in the morning before they got there to try and ensure the teaching staff were aware of the situation, however there were teachers who didn't know and this caused some difficult moments for the boys. The younger kids asked Alex constantly about the situation yesterday leaving him feeling very stressed which he doesn't cope with too well. For Jamie, the realisation that his dad isn't coming back hit him. Travelling home ont he M62 you pass the cemetery on your left hand side in full view and that really really hurt him. I cannot imagine what my boys are going through at the moment and feel totally useless to help them through, but I am trying. Gemma has had a couple of quiet and tearful days as she realised that daddy isn't here and won't be, she even commented how he wouldn't see her grow up. How on earth do I help my kids when I feel the way I do, I have no answers other than to say we must love and support each other. I feel so totally helpless.

To add to the awful situation, money is very tight. We had no life insurance for Stewart as we had claimed the first time he had cancer and no one would re-insure him - obviously for good reason now and we were hoping to get him to 50 years old so that we could take out one of those policies you see advertised. However, that day didn't come so I have a mortgage and all the bills to deal with which without his income is more than I can afford. With the support of my mum and dad, my MIL who for the first time in our lives has become the sort of MIL you should have and is ringing daily, and the benefits agency, we will get through but it is so hard at 40 to be taking from others. We were an independent couple who although had high outgoings were managing to pay back their loans regularly. I just feel as though i am up to my neck in debt with no way out. I cannot keep taking money from my parents, it just isn't right so I am hoping that once I have sold his business and paid some of the loans etc we will be able to keep our heads above water.

Sorry that this post is a rant, not what I actually meant it to turn into but I suppose sometimes you just have to offload. The support of my family and friends is phenominal but there are things I just can't voice to them. I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak. I just need his arms around me and him to whisper it will be fine - I just need my rock.


daydreamer said...

Thinking of you & sending you hugs,
I can't imagine how hard it is, not only losing the love of your life, but then having to deal with financial worries on top of that, i really feel for you, hope you find a way of easing the finance side soon.

hotpotato said...

Hugs to you. We don't mind you having a rant on here, if it helps then go ahead.....Janina xx

Mrs Hedgehog said...

that's what we are here for Susy, we can't bear your burden for you but maybe we can shoulder some of it. Lx

gwyneth@jonesmk41,freeserve,co,uk said...

I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak.

Sweetie you're not weak at all but have to agree that is actually how one feels - I became a total stranger in my own eyes, I couldn't even decide what I was having for dinner and like you I was very strong character both in action and in mind but it all went out of the window.

Sending you and the children ((((( hugs)))) and I really do hope that things will ease financially for you fairly soon.


Hysteri-CAL said...

Hoping you find the strength to carry you through these days Susy ... I can't imagine what you're going through.

thinking of you all tho xxxx

Annette said...

Your 'rock' will always be with you. Rant away - let us know how you feel. You have shown how strong you are - and you will continue to be deep down inside - but you are bound to feel overwhelmed sometimes.

Don't forget as a parent you want to help your children- and you know that once you are a parent things are never the same - you are your parents' child - they obviously feel the love for you that you feel for your children. Accept their help - perhpas it helps them to help you.

Sending you all lots of hugs

rachel said...

so sorry you are so sad, cant believe what you are going through. thinking of you all xx

Anna said...

Hi Susy
I just clicked through from UKS. I am further down the road that is widowhood, I feel your pain, and send you many hugs as you start this new chapter in your life. I am in Leeds also, so get in touch if I can help. Have you thought about joining WAY?
Anna xx

Anonymous said...

Susy you should contact Anna when you feel up to it, I also read Anna's blog (Hi Anna!!) and am seeing so much of her experience repeated in yours. I'm sure she can point you in the direction of emotional support if you want it, and probably practical/financial support as well.

Of course you don't know how to deal with this, don't expect so much of yourself. I know it's hard when you've been so independant to find yourself needing help, but benefits are there for people in your position, you will have paid in more than you're taking out. As for accepting the help of your parents, well as much as you want to help and care for your children, your parents want to help and care for you. Adult or not you are always their child. From their point of view, financial help is a very practical way of helping to relieve part of the stress you now find yourself having to deal with as they probably know there is very little they can do to help with the emotional side. Don't push them away now, lean on them because that is what they are there for.

You call yourself weak but I really don't think you can see the strength that is shining through in your posts, each day will make you stronger and more able to cope with the next but it will take time.

Best wishes to all of you.

Eileen said...

Oh hun! All I can do is send mega {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} and tell you to keep your chin up and keep looking forward.

Yes, you hurt, and yes, it's almost unbearable, but no, you are NOT weak, your strength and determination (and your love for Stewart and your family) continue to shine through.

Ranting? I hardly think so - your understandable grumblings are pretty darned low key, given your circumstances. And even then you are thinking of what you can do for others.

The financial situation is something you could well do without, but I hope you'll find your way out of the worst of it soon - and take any help you can from family, they will feel it is something they CAN do to help at this dreadful time.

As Annette says, Stewart is still with you, part of your family - he just isn't around IYKWIM.

Thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

{{hugs}} I am sure Stewart is with you and the children always :(

Wicked Angel said...

My darling Suzy

Stewarts arms are wrapped around your soul so tightly, that I'm suprised you can still breathe normally. His love walks and entwines in every footstep that you take and every motion that you make ... in those moments when you feel your strength has drained to so far below empty that you feel crushed with the hollowness of loss, it is Stewarts love that pushes your angry and reluctant limbs into motion, it is his love that lifts your throbbing head from the pillow each morning .... it is his strength that will carry you through these darkest of days .... my darling friend, I wish I could wave a magic wand to ease your pain, but sadly I cannot, but you are so much stronger than you know and together, as a family, you will find your way through this, because you and the kids know it is what Stewart wants .... Love will always conquer pain my darling .... always