Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Shit happens!!!

Not sure whether that is an appropriate title or a totally appropriate title.

Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.

His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.

I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.

Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.


Anonymous said...

Huge hugs to you, sweety.
You're being such a rock to Stewart and the children.
Lots of love.


Sally said...

My thoughts are with you. Such a terrible time for you all.

Spaggy said...

You are doing all the right things honey. There are no rules to follow and no instructions on how to get through this, I've been through it, I know.

You should be so proud of yourself, just think how good it has been for Stewart having you by his side every day.

Just keep going!

hotpotato said...

Hugs to you all may how ever long you have left together be pain free ones for Stewart......Love Janina xx

Tina said...

My heart is breaking for you Susy.... I have been through it and it is just terrible - whenever there was a lull I wrote notes on what was happening (before I became a scrapbooker) and when I read them now, wow, I can't believe what we went through.

Everyone at St Gemmas sounds fantastic.... Hospice staff really are earthly angels.

Keeping you ALL in my prayers, God bless, Tina xxx

Mrs Hedgehog said...

Big hugs sweetheart!! There are no rights and wrongs you do what is in your heart. Your children are there for you as you are for them. And just remember if you need to shout at someone I am here for you.
Lots of love
L and Mr H x x

Ann F said...

Although we do not know each other, I have read your blog from a thread on UKS. What a wonderful, brave lady you are at this sad time in your life. My thoughts are with you all.

Silverst170 Aka Tina said...

If I had only One wish in this world I would Gladly give it to you Susy. Your Bravery and the ablilty to cope with this pain and heartache, I can only say what admiration I have for you.
Thinking of you xx

Tash said...

Suzy - there is no right or wrong way to do this, but it sounds to me like you're doing everything that's right for you, Stewart and the kids. Thinking of you loads and sending you lots of strength and hug

Annette said...

Thinking of you all. You are being so strong at such a difficult time. Sending you lots of hugs