Not sure whether that is an appropriate title or a totally appropriate title.
Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.
His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.
I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.
Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.