Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Just not enough time

Well today has certainly been the worst day of my life. Having had the consultant round with the blood test results, which show Stewart's bilirubin (sp???) levels are very high, it seems that the cancer in the pancreas has grown and is blocking the liver causing severe jaundice and other problems. Stewart is really really not well. I then met privately with the consultant and we agreed that unfortunately stewart is just not well enough for any surgery or anything and therefore it is time to make him comfortable and let nature take it's course. Unfortunately it means we only have 2 weeks at most to have him here and probably only a few days of him being aware of us.

Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.

I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.

I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.

Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.


Anonymous said...

God Bless You all, Susy and give you the strength to not just get through this short time you have with Stewart but to *enjoy* what you have left together down here. I pray for peace and courage for you and your family xx

Eileen said...

Susy, what can I say? I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I checked in, as usual, hoping that Stewart was a bit more settled today, but such sad news.

I have enormous admiration for how you are coping with this is your own way - there is no 'proper' way, no rules or expectations about how things will be or how anyone should behave. In that way you're on your own, but free to make your own path. The love that you all have for each other as a family, and the special love between you and Stewart shines through your posts like a beacon.

Make the most of the time that is left. Even when Stewart starts to drift and sleep more he will rally a bit at times, he'll just get sleepier and sleepier, so hopefully he will be peaceful.

Take any and all offers of practical help, deliberately be as 'selfish' as possible - it isn't selfish in the least, it's the important thing to do.

I just wish I could give you a real hug, but will have to make do with {{{{{{cyberhugs}}}}}} for now. I'm sending those to you, and prayers that you will be able to enjoy some special time together, and that peace will come to you all.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Jackie (UKS - Snowball) said...

Susy I have been following your blog recently and although I don't know any of you, I read it every day hoping that you have had a good day and that things are improving. I'm so sorry to read that your worst outcome is happening so much more quickly than expected. Your courage and strength shines through in each and every post that you write and although it may not feel like it right now, you will find a way to get through the next few weeks, to support your children and allow them to support you. I wish you peace and tonnes of strength for what is to come, and will be thinking of you often.

Anonymous said...

Oh Suzy - words fail me.
Just remember we're all praying for you.
Sally xx

jo said...

You are all in my thoughts - cannot imagine what you and your children are going through at this time.

Nicola said...

I am reading this with tears streaming down my face. You seem to have such an amazing strength.
Make the most of what time you all have left together and I will continue to pray for you all.

Hils said...

Susy - I am think of you and praying for you and the family. I have been where you are as my mums cancer progressed the same way. Your strength will get you through and you will come through this a day at a time.

Lesley said...

Susy I have been following your blog for a wee while now.
My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time x


Jenni said...

You don't know me but I have also been reading your blog over the last couple of months. I only want to say how sorry I was to read this latest post, you don't deserve any of this. I will be thinking of you and your family and send hugs to you all.
Jenni x

Sarah said...

I am so saddened to read your latest post - have been following since the beginning and am so so sorry.
I hope Stewart has had a more comfortable night and therefore you all have a better day together.
Am thinking about you all so much and am sending lots of cyber hugs to you all.
Take care

Julie said...

Words are never capable of saying what's in our hearts. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jackie said...

What can I say, sitting here in tears as I just can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

You don't need us to tell you to make the most of every second you have together you are doing that already.

I am thinking of you both and your lovely children, take care.


Sally said...

Susy. So sad to read your latest news. Like everyone else, I pop in daily hoping your news would get better.
Im sure all of us over at uks are praying for you all. We are all thinking of you and are there for you. xxx

Anonymous said...

Hello Suzy,
Another one who is here every day praying for less pain for Stewart and for you all.

Hold his hand now but know that you will all hold his heart forever,

You are truly amazing the way you are coping & I know you will continue to be so for your children,

With love to you all,
Kate xx

Anonymous said...

Susy, I think about you and your family everyday.Cherish evey single moment you have with Stewart, God Bess. x

Silverst170 Aka Tina said...

I can't read all this you have written today for the sad tear's falling from my eyes.
But I cannot leave without giving you my prayer's or my love and wish things were better for you.
Sorry does not seem adequate, But that's is all I can say.

snowgoose and kitty cat said...

suzy,I am so angry that this is happening to you and Stewart. I think you are an amazing woman.
Every time I read your entries I come away crying.
Everything sounds trite or melodramatic but I so wished that this wasn't going to be what I was reading . You love each other so much.
I hope Stewart can be made comfortable so that you can spend good time together.I'm praying for peace for all of you and courage and strength .
I don't really know how to tell you how I feel, just that I'm praying for you .
and if you spend 1 second thinking about the )*&%*% cj, I'll thump you with it!:)

Mrs Hedgehog said...

No words but I am here if you need me Love to you all, hope Stewart is pain free for whatever time you have left together. Our love L and MrH. XX

hotpotato said...

Hi Susy, hugs to you all. My son recently lost his 15yr friend to cancer and at the funeral everyone was given a card with this verse on it;
God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
Come to me.

With tearful eyes we watch you
and saw you pass away
and although we loved you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove us
he only takes the best.

Love Janina xx

Ruth said...

My heart is breaking for you. My prayers are with you all.

Ann F said...

Hello Susy, so sad to hear the news. Thinking of you all and pray that Stewart's new medication works for him.

Denise said...

Thinking & praying for you Stewart & all your family.You have been a tower of strength to them all & I pray that the Angels will look after you all .I am a firm believer that we will see our loved ones in the next life & God will hold us all in the palm of his hand.
Lots of love & hugs.
Denise xxxx

penny said...

So sorry and God bless to you all, such a sad time but try to make the most of the time that is left

Yorkshire Tea Jenny said...

Try and stay strong , Suzy, I am so sorry to hear this, may God give you the strength to get through. Treasure every moment. Donna x

Annette said...

I too have been visiting your blog daily to see if there has been any improvement in Stewart's condition. So sorry to read tonight's news that things aren't good.

I know that all the time left together will be precious and hope that you and the children can spend as much time with Stewart as possible. You are showing such exceptional strength - you are amazing. I too wish I could just give you a big hug.

Stewart can be proud of you.

Hoping they can control Stewart's pain and that you have some special times together in the next few days.

Anonymous said...

Susy - have been reading your blog since finding the link on UKS and been in awe of your bravery and the way you have handled the last few weeks. Just wanted to join others in saying how very sorry I am to read your latest posting and wishing you strength, courage and peace in the difficult time to come. Take good care xx

Trina said...

Susy, tears are streaming down my face after reading your posts, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all and you already know we are here for you whenever you need us.

I hope they get the bed in so you and Stewart can be close for the precious time you have left together.

Love and hugs
Trina & Chloe xx