Well today has certainly been the worst day of my life. Having had the consultant round with the blood test results, which show Stewart's bilirubin (sp???) levels are very high, it seems that the cancer in the pancreas has grown and is blocking the liver causing severe jaundice and other problems. Stewart is really really not well. I then met privately with the consultant and we agreed that unfortunately stewart is just not well enough for any surgery or anything and therefore it is time to make him comfortable and let nature take it's course. Unfortunately it means we only have 2 weeks at most to have him here and probably only a few days of him being aware of us.
Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.
I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.
I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.
Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.