Friday, 3 October 2008

Friday night update

Sorry I've not been on but since Stewart has been home my feet haven't touched the ground.

Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(

Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.

Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.

I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.

Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.

Thank you once again for following my journey.


Eileen said...

Oh hun! All I can do is send you loads'n'loads of {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} and say an extra prayer that Stewart will have a more restful night, and that you will feel a bit more at peace too. Remember that the hospice and palliative care staff are there at the weekends too (OK, may be a bit more difficult to get hold of IYKWIM) if you need them.

Try to get some rest, both of you, and see what the morrow brings. If it doesn't feel so good in the morning, ring your link worker or the hospice and holler for help.

Thinking of you xx

dddeeebbbzzz said...

So sorry to hear that the joy of the home coming has been replaced by the difficulties of caring for everyone. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Just remember that you are not alone - if you need help - medical or otherwise - just get on the phone and make sure you get it!!! AND look after yourself too!!
Hope the weekend is less stressful
Lots of love, hugs and prayers. xxx

Jayne! said...

Hope you all have a better day today Susy. Big hugs to you all {{{:}}}

Tash said...

Oh sweetie - sending you big hugs. Hope things are better this morning, and that you're all feeling perkier. Definitely call the hospice if things don't feel right to you - that's what they are there for.

daydreamer said...

sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment,thinking of you all.
take care of yourself too x

Mrs Hedgehog said...

Big Hugs to you all. As the others have said you can't do it all on your own. ASK for help. You know where I am if there is anything I can do. (Quite good at giving boys back handers if needed plenty of experience!!) Seriously please call me if there is ANYTHING I can do.
Lots of love Lx

Denise said...

Thinking about you & your family.Hope you are having a better day.
Take care
Denise xx

rachel said...

sorry to hear home life is so hard- your're in my thoughts