Having re-read yesterday's post and the wonderful comments and support I have received from it, I realise that yesterday in total was a really crappy day.
On top of waking up very low emotionally, my brother came round to start sorting out Stewart's van. It was so hard to watch someone else go through what essentially was Stewart's domain. I know in order to sell the stock etc it is a necessity but that made it no less hard to watch. He did it with such tact and care that it made the start of a difficult job easy and when last night he told me he had priced up one box of stuff at over £1000 I hope we will get enough money to pay back some of the outstanding bills left over.
There were many tears yesterday, but by last night I realised I had to put my grief into something positive and having spoken to my daughter we realised that the first way forward was to run or actually walk the Race for Life 2009 in Stewart's memory. However, me being me I wasn't just going to do it with Gemma, no, I am trying to get 100 possibly 200 women together to run or walk the race as part of a team in his name. There are two dates usually in Leeds so hopefully this will give more people the opportunity to do at least one date and Gemma and I will do both of them.
I started by facebooking everyone I knew locally and a few further away, I then emailed everyone in my email address book and lo and behold this morning, some 10 hour later I have in the region of 50 people signed up to join me subject to the dates being right. Some are bringing their daughters, some their mothers, some their sisters but once again I am humbled by the support of the people I know. My family, my friends, my acquaintences are all amazing people. I have been offered some publicity free on a local radio station and I am hoping to get a sponser so that we can all wear a tshirt with Stewart's picture on - he would have laughed at that and the fact that I am walking not one but two races, neither of us being particularly fit or sporty people!!!
I hope I can put some of my grief into a good cause and if I am allowed by the Race for Life organisers I would like to split the money between Cancer Research and St Gemma's hospice, if not then the next fundraiser, and there will be one, will be for St Gemma's.
We have already come up with a disco in Stewart's name but due to our religious restrictions this can't be within the first year as we are not supposed to dance to music or listen to live music and I would like to get a live band to go with the disco (Stewart was a DJ for over 25 years so this seems to be a fitting tribute). There are so many other things we can do to raise money and I hope with this in mind, I can life the darkness that is hanging over me and the kids and we can use our emotions to a good cause.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
17 days
Yes it's been 17 days since I lost my darling Stewart. Doesn't sound much does it, a fortnights holiday plus a bit, half a month, 17 days. Yet it feels like eternity. I have only ever been away from Stewart for 5 days on the run and I constantly spoke to him and I knew he was joining me at the end. The feeling like he has been gone forever is the most difficult. I suppose I really lost him when he went into hospital the first time because he was only home again for 5 days and for 3 of those he was really poorly. Although during his stay in hospital he was quite well once the pain medication kicked in, it isn't the same as just being together. The 5 minutes we had cuddled on the bed behind the closed curtains was really the last close, intimate moment we shared and although we managed the odd cuddle for a couple of seconds in St Gemma's he really wasn't well by that stage.
He was always my support, my rock and without him I am missing an important part of my life. It's like I've lost my right arm and everything I do is impossibly hard.
The feeling of true pain from the morning when I wake up to the time sleep takes me over is unbearable and yes, I admit there are moments it isn't as intense but it's there all the time. I know that I will learn to live alongside this pain later, as others do, but at the moment it is all a bit too much to bear.
However, to add to everything it all seems to be sinking in with the kids and the financial situation we find ourselves in is kicking in here at home.
The boys went back to school yesterday and joined the morning prayers at school in order to recite the "Kaddish" - mourners prayer they are to say daily for a year. It was a difficult time for them both as obviously they are the only ones (thank god) in this position and for a large school it makes them stand out. I had rung the school in the morning before they got there to try and ensure the teaching staff were aware of the situation, however there were teachers who didn't know and this caused some difficult moments for the boys. The younger kids asked Alex constantly about the situation yesterday leaving him feeling very stressed which he doesn't cope with too well. For Jamie, the realisation that his dad isn't coming back hit him. Travelling home ont he M62 you pass the cemetery on your left hand side in full view and that really really hurt him. I cannot imagine what my boys are going through at the moment and feel totally useless to help them through, but I am trying. Gemma has had a couple of quiet and tearful days as she realised that daddy isn't here and won't be, she even commented how he wouldn't see her grow up. How on earth do I help my kids when I feel the way I do, I have no answers other than to say we must love and support each other. I feel so totally helpless.
To add to the awful situation, money is very tight. We had no life insurance for Stewart as we had claimed the first time he had cancer and no one would re-insure him - obviously for good reason now and we were hoping to get him to 50 years old so that we could take out one of those policies you see advertised. However, that day didn't come so I have a mortgage and all the bills to deal with which without his income is more than I can afford. With the support of my mum and dad, my MIL who for the first time in our lives has become the sort of MIL you should have and is ringing daily, and the benefits agency, we will get through but it is so hard at 40 to be taking from others. We were an independent couple who although had high outgoings were managing to pay back their loans regularly. I just feel as though i am up to my neck in debt with no way out. I cannot keep taking money from my parents, it just isn't right so I am hoping that once I have sold his business and paid some of the loans etc we will be able to keep our heads above water.
Sorry that this post is a rant, not what I actually meant it to turn into but I suppose sometimes you just have to offload. The support of my family and friends is phenominal but there are things I just can't voice to them. I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak. I just need his arms around me and him to whisper it will be fine - I just need my rock.
He was always my support, my rock and without him I am missing an important part of my life. It's like I've lost my right arm and everything I do is impossibly hard.
The feeling of true pain from the morning when I wake up to the time sleep takes me over is unbearable and yes, I admit there are moments it isn't as intense but it's there all the time. I know that I will learn to live alongside this pain later, as others do, but at the moment it is all a bit too much to bear.
However, to add to everything it all seems to be sinking in with the kids and the financial situation we find ourselves in is kicking in here at home.
The boys went back to school yesterday and joined the morning prayers at school in order to recite the "Kaddish" - mourners prayer they are to say daily for a year. It was a difficult time for them both as obviously they are the only ones (thank god) in this position and for a large school it makes them stand out. I had rung the school in the morning before they got there to try and ensure the teaching staff were aware of the situation, however there were teachers who didn't know and this caused some difficult moments for the boys. The younger kids asked Alex constantly about the situation yesterday leaving him feeling very stressed which he doesn't cope with too well. For Jamie, the realisation that his dad isn't coming back hit him. Travelling home ont he M62 you pass the cemetery on your left hand side in full view and that really really hurt him. I cannot imagine what my boys are going through at the moment and feel totally useless to help them through, but I am trying. Gemma has had a couple of quiet and tearful days as she realised that daddy isn't here and won't be, she even commented how he wouldn't see her grow up. How on earth do I help my kids when I feel the way I do, I have no answers other than to say we must love and support each other. I feel so totally helpless.
To add to the awful situation, money is very tight. We had no life insurance for Stewart as we had claimed the first time he had cancer and no one would re-insure him - obviously for good reason now and we were hoping to get him to 50 years old so that we could take out one of those policies you see advertised. However, that day didn't come so I have a mortgage and all the bills to deal with which without his income is more than I can afford. With the support of my mum and dad, my MIL who for the first time in our lives has become the sort of MIL you should have and is ringing daily, and the benefits agency, we will get through but it is so hard at 40 to be taking from others. We were an independent couple who although had high outgoings were managing to pay back their loans regularly. I just feel as though i am up to my neck in debt with no way out. I cannot keep taking money from my parents, it just isn't right so I am hoping that once I have sold his business and paid some of the loans etc we will be able to keep our heads above water.
Sorry that this post is a rant, not what I actually meant it to turn into but I suppose sometimes you just have to offload. The support of my family and friends is phenominal but there are things I just can't voice to them. I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak. I just need his arms around me and him to whisper it will be fine - I just need my rock.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Up days and Down days
Hi again, been told off by my fellow LPD for not updating my blog and offloading so here goes!!!
Well the good news is Boo is settling in nicely and sleeping through the night. Not really getting the housetraining yet but has learnt to "sit" today so that's something. He is so sweet and brings so much joy to the family.
As for the rest, well I am ok when I have visitors and it's wonderful that I have had so many. In fact I have thought about putting a revolving door in the front of the house to help the flow but maybe security would be an issue!! Yesterday was a tough one for my eldest, Jamie and last night we talked and talked and cried and cried. But this morning was one of those days you just want to hide under the covers. It is my first really really bad day and I can't seem to get my mood to lift, although the many visitors who have been round today have helped. It is the fact that I cannot imagine living my life without Stewart but have to, that is making me feel so angry, guilty, hurt etc - I really do understand the saying "dying of a broken heart" because without the children that is exactly what I would do. I have a huge hole in my chest which is a physical pain and it is there every second of every day. The only relief I get is when I smell the aftershave Stewart used to wear, I have sprayed it onto his pillow which I sleep with every night. I know it's not him but it's the best I have.
I have managed to findd the Cruse Bereavement website and having read some of their pamphlets feel a little better that my feelings are "normal". I am not ready for bereavement counselling but maybe just maybe it will help me in time.
Well the good news is Boo is settling in nicely and sleeping through the night. Not really getting the housetraining yet but has learnt to "sit" today so that's something. He is so sweet and brings so much joy to the family.
As for the rest, well I am ok when I have visitors and it's wonderful that I have had so many. In fact I have thought about putting a revolving door in the front of the house to help the flow but maybe security would be an issue!! Yesterday was a tough one for my eldest, Jamie and last night we talked and talked and cried and cried. But this morning was one of those days you just want to hide under the covers. It is my first really really bad day and I can't seem to get my mood to lift, although the many visitors who have been round today have helped. It is the fact that I cannot imagine living my life without Stewart but have to, that is making me feel so angry, guilty, hurt etc - I really do understand the saying "dying of a broken heart" because without the children that is exactly what I would do. I have a huge hole in my chest which is a physical pain and it is there every second of every day. The only relief I get is when I smell the aftershave Stewart used to wear, I have sprayed it onto his pillow which I sleep with every night. I know it's not him but it's the best I have.
I have managed to findd the Cruse Bereavement website and having read some of their pamphlets feel a little better that my feelings are "normal". I am not ready for bereavement counselling but maybe just maybe it will help me in time.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
A picture of Boo
Ok, it's only 1 little picture but it shows you why we fell in love with Boo. We have had a busy day today with loads and loads of visitors, not sure whether they have come to see me or Boo but as long as we are all kept busy we seem to be coping a little. Nights and mornings are the worst but spraying Stewart's aftershave onto a pillow for me to cuddle seems to help (and Gemma has one too!). Jamie is a bit brighter as his girlfriend is up from Scotland for a couple of days and Alex is just Alex, wonderful. Gemma has gone to Manchester to stay with her friend so tomorrow morning there will be just me in the house (with Boo of course) for the first time which should be interesting!! Will update more later.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
A reason to smile just a little
Well, we've done it, we made it, we're through it - what you may ask, well the first week without Stewart. It's been hard, there has been tears and laughter and shouting but we have done it together.
We started the day off by going to the Synagogue for the sabbath service, something that will become a regular occurance now the boys say "Kaddish" - the memorial prayer, every day. It was hard because the last time I was there was when we all went with Stewart for New Year. Yes there were tears but we were supported by all the family who came to join us. I cannot express the gratitude to them all.
However, the house is incredibly quiet, no Stewart and no Harley and although you can't compare the two, the house feels empty without the two of them here - it's like a double whammy on the grieving and quiet front. So what do I do yesterday ................................... we got a puppy!
Before anyone asks, he's to replace Harley not Stewart :) but I am hoping that he gives us a reason to continue and to smile and we have something to look forward to daily as opposed to only having something to dwell on.
He is soooooo small, soooooo sweet and is called Boo - why Boo? Well when I met Stewart many many moons ago one of the songs he told me he liked was "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" - so there may not be the Me and You but there is a dog named Boo in this house :)
Admittedly Alex asked if we could call him Stewart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! didn't think that was a good idea at all - can you imagine peoples faces asking them in and if they'd like to see Stewart!
He's been wonderful but it's so funny when he wants your attention because he squeaks, he sounds like sweep off sooty and sweep! As I type this he is playing with one of the toys we bought him yesterday - he is happily shaking and chewing this bright pink monkey - he hasn't bitten it on the squeaky bit yet - that will be funny to see. Yes I am cleaning up the accidents but cos he is so small they are only little so I can cope. He is so inquisitive and funny that although my heart is still so very heavy, I can smile a little and now I have something to cuddle and kiss again.
We started the day off by going to the Synagogue for the sabbath service, something that will become a regular occurance now the boys say "Kaddish" - the memorial prayer, every day. It was hard because the last time I was there was when we all went with Stewart for New Year. Yes there were tears but we were supported by all the family who came to join us. I cannot express the gratitude to them all.
However, the house is incredibly quiet, no Stewart and no Harley and although you can't compare the two, the house feels empty without the two of them here - it's like a double whammy on the grieving and quiet front. So what do I do yesterday ................................... we got a puppy!
Before anyone asks, he's to replace Harley not Stewart :) but I am hoping that he gives us a reason to continue and to smile and we have something to look forward to daily as opposed to only having something to dwell on.
He is soooooo small, soooooo sweet and is called Boo - why Boo? Well when I met Stewart many many moons ago one of the songs he told me he liked was "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" - so there may not be the Me and You but there is a dog named Boo in this house :)
Admittedly Alex asked if we could call him Stewart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! didn't think that was a good idea at all - can you imagine peoples faces asking them in and if they'd like to see Stewart!
He's been wonderful but it's so funny when he wants your attention because he squeaks, he sounds like sweep off sooty and sweep! As I type this he is playing with one of the toys we bought him yesterday - he is happily shaking and chewing this bright pink monkey - he hasn't bitten it on the squeaky bit yet - that will be funny to see. Yes I am cleaning up the accidents but cos he is so small they are only little so I can cope. He is so inquisitive and funny that although my heart is still so very heavy, I can smile a little and now I have something to cuddle and kiss again.
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Amazed, Overwhelmed and Humbled
Those are the three words I would use to explain how I feel after the past week.
I cannot believe the support we have received during our week of mourning. The memories of Stewart by so many people have been amazing. We have had visitors constantly during the week and in the evenings for prayers and it has been a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by so much love. I am totally humbled by the love that people felt for Stewart during his life and in some ways feel guilty for not realising what a totally amazing and wonderful man I was married to. He has touched so many people's lives in so many ways, from DJ'ing at their special events, being a friendly and efficient electrician and generally being a good friend to all. The letters and cards we have received are coming in a constant stream from people from so many backgrounds that it is amazing.
My children have been phenominal and I (and I know their dad) am so incredibly proud of them. They are a credit to us and more so a credit to themselves.
Tomorrow's Jewish Telegraph is running an obituary on Stewart with quotes from many leading figures in our community and once again I cannot believe so many people want to voice their feelings, and to top it all it will be front page news - something that has blown me away but made me the proudest wife in the world.
There will also be the announcements from the family to read through and I am sure there will be many tears shed over it tomorrow.
At the moment I veer from crying, to laughing, to angry, to numb and tomorrow is the start of a normal life again - it will be a totally different normal to the past 20 years because of course the most important person in our lives will be missing but I know that we have to start to get our lives in order and start living. It will take a long time for me to get out in the normal world but for the kids the routine of school, homework and socialising must begin again. They have their whole lives ahead of them and must grasp every opportunity they can. As for me, well who knows. I have the most amazing family and friends supporting me and as one friend said to me tonight, we will hoist you back up and even give you a huge shove up if we have to.
I miss Stewart with every bone in my body and with every breath that I take, I am still waiting for him to walk in through the door and shout "hello doll" at me and the hardest thing is that I know that I won't ever hear that again. He is my light and the has been the reason for everything I do and I know that I have to focus on the positives now and the future, but I also know that it will be the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
Stewart, you were everything to me and I miss you so much. I miss the smile you gave just to me, the hugs and the kisses and the safety I always felt in your arms. You were the sunshine of my life and I hope that you are safe and happy and free from pain and that you will watch over all of us and keep us safe. RIP my darling. xxxx (remember sweetheart that I will love you forever and a day).
I cannot believe the support we have received during our week of mourning. The memories of Stewart by so many people have been amazing. We have had visitors constantly during the week and in the evenings for prayers and it has been a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by so much love. I am totally humbled by the love that people felt for Stewart during his life and in some ways feel guilty for not realising what a totally amazing and wonderful man I was married to. He has touched so many people's lives in so many ways, from DJ'ing at their special events, being a friendly and efficient electrician and generally being a good friend to all. The letters and cards we have received are coming in a constant stream from people from so many backgrounds that it is amazing.
My children have been phenominal and I (and I know their dad) am so incredibly proud of them. They are a credit to us and more so a credit to themselves.
Tomorrow's Jewish Telegraph is running an obituary on Stewart with quotes from many leading figures in our community and once again I cannot believe so many people want to voice their feelings, and to top it all it will be front page news - something that has blown me away but made me the proudest wife in the world.
There will also be the announcements from the family to read through and I am sure there will be many tears shed over it tomorrow.
At the moment I veer from crying, to laughing, to angry, to numb and tomorrow is the start of a normal life again - it will be a totally different normal to the past 20 years because of course the most important person in our lives will be missing but I know that we have to start to get our lives in order and start living. It will take a long time for me to get out in the normal world but for the kids the routine of school, homework and socialising must begin again. They have their whole lives ahead of them and must grasp every opportunity they can. As for me, well who knows. I have the most amazing family and friends supporting me and as one friend said to me tonight, we will hoist you back up and even give you a huge shove up if we have to.
I miss Stewart with every bone in my body and with every breath that I take, I am still waiting for him to walk in through the door and shout "hello doll" at me and the hardest thing is that I know that I won't ever hear that again. He is my light and the has been the reason for everything I do and I know that I have to focus on the positives now and the future, but I also know that it will be the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
Stewart, you were everything to me and I miss you so much. I miss the smile you gave just to me, the hugs and the kisses and the safety I always felt in your arms. You were the sunshine of my life and I hope that you are safe and happy and free from pain and that you will watch over all of us and keep us safe. RIP my darling. xxxx (remember sweetheart that I will love you forever and a day).
Monday, 13 October 2008
Laid to rest
Well all I can say is the past 48 hours have been surreal. From midnight Friday night when Stewart worsened to now has gone by in a haze.
I am grateful that we had the time to say how we felt about each other and I am grateful he didn't suffer for longer than he did, but I am so sad that he isn't here, he was truly my best friend.
He died in my arms, just the two of us, just as we had wanted. He managed to tell me he loved me during the night and told the kids that he loved them and always would when they visited early on Saturday morning. He had love surrounding him the whole time he was ill, but none more so than those last few hours.
The nursing staff at St Gemma's were amazing and gave us all the support we needed to get through those first few hours. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done, but getting into bed last night knowing he would never be there again was so difficult.
My children have amazed me with their maturity and care and their promise to be there for me.
The funeral was held today (we bury our dead within 24 hours) and I had requested that the hearse brought Stewart home before we set off for the funeral. We then went to the synagogue where there must have been 100 people, but nothing could have prepared me for the number of people at the funeral at the cemetery. It is estimated there were between 400 - 500 people, I have to admit I didn't realise we knew that many people. Not only were. all our family and friends here - some travelling from the other ends of the country but all the clergy from Leeds were there - and between them all they took the service, something I have never seen done in all my years and truly a great honour. The honour continued when Stewart was lowered to his final resting place by four Rabbis - again something that only ever happens for other members of the clergy. Our sons recited loud and clear the mourners prayer at the grave side, so heartbreaking to watch them aged 17 and 14 having to do this. It took over 1 1/2 hours for the mourners to file through the hall to pass their condolences on to us, something that usually only takes 20 minutes tops.
Tonight was our one night of "shiva" - prayers as tomorrow night is a festival which cancels out the other 6 days. To sit in my sisters house, which to be honest is fairly large, and to watch the queue of people up the driveway and down the road waiting to come in and pay their respects was overwhelming. Not only did we fill the house with people, including the kitchen, but also the garden, the driveway and partially the pavement outside. People came from all over but to see the support the kids had, especially Jamie whose friends all came over from Manchester was amazing. Even three of the Rabbi's that were on the trip he took in the Summer were there. Mind blowing is all I can say.
The prayers were recited by my dad, one of the clergy who is like an uncle to me (his eldest daughter is one of my oldest (not age but in long standing) friends, and a speech given by the Rabbi I work with was amazing. The speech was so spot on, Rabbi Levy had Stewart down to a tee, his words were moving and funny and he even made a point of talking directly to Gemma at one point to connect with her - he also lost his mother aged 9 - all of which made an amazing speech in memory of my darling husband. No one could ask for more.
I have to say that the emails of comments from here, emails from UKsers, my amazing and wonderful family and friends have given us all strength, but to see so many people come to pay their last respects is mind blowing. As I said to Alex, when we are down we have to think of today and be proud that the man who obviously touched so many people was our daddy and my husband and we are the lucky ones to have been part of his life.
Stewart was a large man, in stature and in size but he was a true gentle giant. I have heard things about him in the last 24 hours that I never knew and I am so proud to have him choose me as his wife and to have spent the last 20 years with him.
I will be at my sisters for the next week so that visitors can call and prayers (without the memorial bit added) can be said so that the boys can continue to say the mourners prayers (which they are required to do every day for a year) in the comfort of family and friends before stretching out to the synagogue with all it's members.
Once again thank you for your supportive and warming messages. I am a lucky lady, not just because I have shared my life with someone so special, but because of all of you.
I am grateful that we had the time to say how we felt about each other and I am grateful he didn't suffer for longer than he did, but I am so sad that he isn't here, he was truly my best friend.
He died in my arms, just the two of us, just as we had wanted. He managed to tell me he loved me during the night and told the kids that he loved them and always would when they visited early on Saturday morning. He had love surrounding him the whole time he was ill, but none more so than those last few hours.
The nursing staff at St Gemma's were amazing and gave us all the support we needed to get through those first few hours. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done, but getting into bed last night knowing he would never be there again was so difficult.
My children have amazed me with their maturity and care and their promise to be there for me.
The funeral was held today (we bury our dead within 24 hours) and I had requested that the hearse brought Stewart home before we set off for the funeral. We then went to the synagogue where there must have been 100 people, but nothing could have prepared me for the number of people at the funeral at the cemetery. It is estimated there were between 400 - 500 people, I have to admit I didn't realise we knew that many people. Not only were. all our family and friends here - some travelling from the other ends of the country but all the clergy from Leeds were there - and between them all they took the service, something I have never seen done in all my years and truly a great honour. The honour continued when Stewart was lowered to his final resting place by four Rabbis - again something that only ever happens for other members of the clergy. Our sons recited loud and clear the mourners prayer at the grave side, so heartbreaking to watch them aged 17 and 14 having to do this. It took over 1 1/2 hours for the mourners to file through the hall to pass their condolences on to us, something that usually only takes 20 minutes tops.
Tonight was our one night of "shiva" - prayers as tomorrow night is a festival which cancels out the other 6 days. To sit in my sisters house, which to be honest is fairly large, and to watch the queue of people up the driveway and down the road waiting to come in and pay their respects was overwhelming. Not only did we fill the house with people, including the kitchen, but also the garden, the driveway and partially the pavement outside. People came from all over but to see the support the kids had, especially Jamie whose friends all came over from Manchester was amazing. Even three of the Rabbi's that were on the trip he took in the Summer were there. Mind blowing is all I can say.
The prayers were recited by my dad, one of the clergy who is like an uncle to me (his eldest daughter is one of my oldest (not age but in long standing) friends, and a speech given by the Rabbi I work with was amazing. The speech was so spot on, Rabbi Levy had Stewart down to a tee, his words were moving and funny and he even made a point of talking directly to Gemma at one point to connect with her - he also lost his mother aged 9 - all of which made an amazing speech in memory of my darling husband. No one could ask for more.
I have to say that the emails of comments from here, emails from UKsers, my amazing and wonderful family and friends have given us all strength, but to see so many people come to pay their last respects is mind blowing. As I said to Alex, when we are down we have to think of today and be proud that the man who obviously touched so many people was our daddy and my husband and we are the lucky ones to have been part of his life.
Stewart was a large man, in stature and in size but he was a true gentle giant. I have heard things about him in the last 24 hours that I never knew and I am so proud to have him choose me as his wife and to have spent the last 20 years with him.
I will be at my sisters for the next week so that visitors can call and prayers (without the memorial bit added) can be said so that the boys can continue to say the mourners prayers (which they are required to do every day for a year) in the comfort of family and friends before stretching out to the synagogue with all it's members.
Once again thank you for your supportive and warming messages. I am a lucky lady, not just because I have shared my life with someone so special, but because of all of you.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Stewart 9.3.61 - 11.10.08
Just a short post to say that at 12.30pm today, Stewart sadly passed away.
I will update this blog again later in the week.
I will update this blog again later in the week.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Just a note
to say that today has been so busy. The consultant came again to see us this morning and went over everything with Stewart again. Afterwards we talked privately and he basically said that 2 weeks was probably not possible as Stew had continued to deteriorate and a few days was more likely. Everytime I think we have had the worst news, I am wrong and there is more to come. The kids came and I explained that it is vital they spend as much time with their daddy as they could. Jamie has had a good day with him, and they have managed to talk to each other on and off (well more off as stewart keeps drifting).
The visitors that have managed to make their way here today, especially today on such an important day - the day of atonement which is the highest of holy days - is incredible. Family, friends, some acquaintances and more have been coming throughout the day and I am really exhausted. But one of the most moving moments tonight was our friend Richard sat with Stewart for over 1/2 an hour on his own whilst his wife Debs and I had a drink. I am amazed at his courage and support.
I have also got such respect for my family - all of them - but my brother, sister, brother in law and eldest neice, have been amazing today and David has given me so much support. It's a long story but things haven't always been that good between my sister, brother in law and me - the last year or so has been difficult and about 3 months ago we sorted ourselves out enough to be a family again. However this situation has changed the dynamics of everything and close and supportive are two words that do not do justice to what I feel they have been.
Anyway, a short note has gone on and on so I will get myself off to bed - the bed that I wanted - a double bed to share with Stewart!!! Night Night
The visitors that have managed to make their way here today, especially today on such an important day - the day of atonement which is the highest of holy days - is incredible. Family, friends, some acquaintances and more have been coming throughout the day and I am really exhausted. But one of the most moving moments tonight was our friend Richard sat with Stewart for over 1/2 an hour on his own whilst his wife Debs and I had a drink. I am amazed at his courage and support.
I have also got such respect for my family - all of them - but my brother, sister, brother in law and eldest neice, have been amazing today and David has given me so much support. It's a long story but things haven't always been that good between my sister, brother in law and me - the last year or so has been difficult and about 3 months ago we sorted ourselves out enough to be a family again. However this situation has changed the dynamics of everything and close and supportive are two words that do not do justice to what I feel they have been.
Anyway, a short note has gone on and on so I will get myself off to bed - the bed that I wanted - a double bed to share with Stewart!!! Night Night
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Just not enough time
Well today has certainly been the worst day of my life. Having had the consultant round with the blood test results, which show Stewart's bilirubin (sp???) levels are very high, it seems that the cancer in the pancreas has grown and is blocking the liver causing severe jaundice and other problems. Stewart is really really not well. I then met privately with the consultant and we agreed that unfortunately stewart is just not well enough for any surgery or anything and therefore it is time to make him comfortable and let nature take it's course. Unfortunately it means we only have 2 weeks at most to have him here and probably only a few days of him being aware of us.
Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.
I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.
I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.
Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.
Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.
I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.
I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.
Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.
Shit happens!!!
Not sure whether that is an appropriate title or a totally appropriate title.
Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.
His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.
I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.
Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.
Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.
His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.
I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.
Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Sorry it's taken so long
It was only when I signed in this morning to update my blog that I realised I hadn't blogged for a couple of days. Well what a couple of days. Sunday I went to work leaving Stewart sat on the settee with the telly for company. Jamie was refereeing and Alex was looking after Gemma. I had put a notice up on the door of the house to say no visitors till after 1pm, giving me time to come home from work. But what did I find when I got here, a visitor safely ensconsed on our armchair chatting to Stewart - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!
The afternoon was filled with visitors and by tea time Stew was shattered and went to bed. I spent the rest of the evening tidying the house!!!!
However, he had a bad night with lots of pain so by Monday morning I knew I had to ring St Gemmas up which I did. They contacted Julia, the community paliative care nurse who was due to see us yesterday afternoon and I spoke to her and the doctor (who'd I promised to report in about bowel movements to - it's fun being in my house I can tell you!!!!) who both called the district nurses in.
Stewart decided bed was the only place for him so after his tablets he settled down for some extra sleep whilst I was visited by my wonderful friend, Marie (of the wonderful cakes) from the Paper Dolls, who brought all her stuff with her to give me a pedicure - well at least that's one way of making me sit down!!!! It was amazing, she is amazing and I am so grateful to her for the love and the laughter she brought to the house.
My wonderful brother also played his part yesterday rushing to and from doctors and chemists to get perscriptions for Stewart during the day.
Well Julia called as promised at 12.15pm and we had a wonderful chat together. She made me realise that I don't have to be strong, I am not getting it wrong with the kids - just doing the best I can, and generally being my fairy godmother. Once the district nurses arrived (they were amazing too to both stew and I) to administer enemas (told you it was all fun here!!) we decided that with the enemas and the movicol to work from the top, if nothing had happened by this morning then Stew should go back to St Gemma's to get sorted. This way we will know if the extra pain is due to the bowels or the cancer spreading. Unfortunately, although I know the bowels are a huge problem my fear is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. He has so many new lumps and bumps and the ones he has just keep getting bigger that I am not sure if we should could continue chemo, but we will wait a week to decide that one.
So the result of all the medicines - NOUGHT, ZERO, NOTHING and bless him, he has been in pain all night with me running up and downstairs getting milk, medicine etc for him. So I am waiting for the 8.30 deadline and then I have to ring to get him back in!!!
I know I have tried my best but I am disappointed that I can't cope with having him home, but looking after him for 24/7 is such hard work when I have the kids to sort out too. I feel like I am grieving already as the Stewart that is here at the moment isn't my Stewart at all.
Well, I've rung Julia and she has a meeting regarding admissions at 9am and will ring me back but it looks like we are on the move again!!!! I will try and update you all later if I get a chance.
The afternoon was filled with visitors and by tea time Stew was shattered and went to bed. I spent the rest of the evening tidying the house!!!!
However, he had a bad night with lots of pain so by Monday morning I knew I had to ring St Gemmas up which I did. They contacted Julia, the community paliative care nurse who was due to see us yesterday afternoon and I spoke to her and the doctor (who'd I promised to report in about bowel movements to - it's fun being in my house I can tell you!!!!) who both called the district nurses in.
Stewart decided bed was the only place for him so after his tablets he settled down for some extra sleep whilst I was visited by my wonderful friend, Marie (of the wonderful cakes) from the Paper Dolls, who brought all her stuff with her to give me a pedicure - well at least that's one way of making me sit down!!!! It was amazing, she is amazing and I am so grateful to her for the love and the laughter she brought to the house.
My wonderful brother also played his part yesterday rushing to and from doctors and chemists to get perscriptions for Stewart during the day.
Well Julia called as promised at 12.15pm and we had a wonderful chat together. She made me realise that I don't have to be strong, I am not getting it wrong with the kids - just doing the best I can, and generally being my fairy godmother. Once the district nurses arrived (they were amazing too to both stew and I) to administer enemas (told you it was all fun here!!) we decided that with the enemas and the movicol to work from the top, if nothing had happened by this morning then Stew should go back to St Gemma's to get sorted. This way we will know if the extra pain is due to the bowels or the cancer spreading. Unfortunately, although I know the bowels are a huge problem my fear is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. He has so many new lumps and bumps and the ones he has just keep getting bigger that I am not sure if we should could continue chemo, but we will wait a week to decide that one.
So the result of all the medicines - NOUGHT, ZERO, NOTHING and bless him, he has been in pain all night with me running up and downstairs getting milk, medicine etc for him. So I am waiting for the 8.30 deadline and then I have to ring to get him back in!!!
I know I have tried my best but I am disappointed that I can't cope with having him home, but looking after him for 24/7 is such hard work when I have the kids to sort out too. I feel like I am grieving already as the Stewart that is here at the moment isn't my Stewart at all.
Well, I've rung Julia and she has a meeting regarding admissions at 9am and will ring me back but it looks like we are on the move again!!!! I will try and update you all later if I get a chance.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Saturday night (but not at the movies!!)
Well, today has been slightly better than expected. Stewart has had a relatively quiet day - his mum visited him this morning and without going into details it was a difficult visit for me. Unfortunately they haven't been talking for many years, in fact most of our time together, and although I know he is delighted to have her back in his life I am finding it difficult, especially when she doesn't seem to actually care about me or the kids. I kept them out of the way for this visit, not sure why other than i don't want critisism from her or more importantly, for them to get hurt when she disappears out of our lives again. However, I have been told by a family member (on Stewart's side) who has spoken to her that she regrets what has happened but doesn't know how to make it better - well speaking to me would be good. Mind you, in fairness she did throw a bunch of flowers at me when she arrived so maybe that is her way of speaking to me!!!
A quiet afternoon was had by us all and I zonked out on the settee for 2 hours but feel much better for it. My good friend Debra rang later on for a chat and made me giggle as she always does. She really is the best medicine I have, along with my other friends, cos they keep me feeling sane.
Our friends Bev & Andrew came for a chinese takeaway this evening and it was lovely when all 4 of us sat round the dining room table and it felt so normal. Andrew even rescued me from a spider, so will keep him on call for that job cos neither of my boys are any good with things like that!!!!
Stewart gave in after about an hour and a half and went to bed but he had done well tonight. He's a bit grumpy tonight but he's had his tablets and medicines and hopefully will have a good nights sleep.
I am working tomorrow and a bit worried about leaving him with Alex and Gemma but I am only a phone call away and I might ask my mum or dad to pop in at 11ish to check on them. Jamie is refereeing but at 9.30 so should be home for 12 I hope. I need to go to Argos tomorrow to get a dictaphone cos he wants to make tapes for the kids for them to listen to later on.
I am off out to get bagels from the bakery so that will save me a trip out in the morning and give me valuable sleep time and getting prepared for work time!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
A quiet afternoon was had by us all and I zonked out on the settee for 2 hours but feel much better for it. My good friend Debra rang later on for a chat and made me giggle as she always does. She really is the best medicine I have, along with my other friends, cos they keep me feeling sane.
Our friends Bev & Andrew came for a chinese takeaway this evening and it was lovely when all 4 of us sat round the dining room table and it felt so normal. Andrew even rescued me from a spider, so will keep him on call for that job cos neither of my boys are any good with things like that!!!!
Stewart gave in after about an hour and a half and went to bed but he had done well tonight. He's a bit grumpy tonight but he's had his tablets and medicines and hopefully will have a good nights sleep.
I am working tomorrow and a bit worried about leaving him with Alex and Gemma but I am only a phone call away and I might ask my mum or dad to pop in at 11ish to check on them. Jamie is refereeing but at 9.30 so should be home for 12 I hope. I need to go to Argos tomorrow to get a dictaphone cos he wants to make tapes for the kids for them to listen to later on.
I am off out to get bagels from the bakery so that will save me a trip out in the morning and give me valuable sleep time and getting prepared for work time!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Friday night update
Sorry I've not been on but since Stewart has been home my feet haven't touched the ground.
Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(
Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.
Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.
I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.
Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.
Thank you once again for following my journey.
Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(
Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.
Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.
I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.
Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.
Thank you once again for following my journey.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
He's Home
Now how excited am I? I brought Stewart home today to stay - the list of drugs is enormous and I've done a spreadsheet for it (my friend Ruth will be overjoyed at that) but I am so pleased to have him home and know he's here for as long as possible. It also means that life will start to resemble normal again in a way.
I am determined to be strict about visitors, especially as his immune system will start to diminish in the next day or so but I am so happy at the moment (which is something I have forgotten how to be).
Well let's hope that September is gone and with it the horrible time we are having. I know the prognosis isn't going to go away but at least now he's home we can live our lives as best we can and try to live for the moment and not have the weight of the situation on our shoulders all the time.
Right off to make a cuppa and put my feet up for a bit.
I am determined to be strict about visitors, especially as his immune system will start to diminish in the next day or so but I am so happy at the moment (which is something I have forgotten how to be).
Well let's hope that September is gone and with it the horrible time we are having. I know the prognosis isn't going to go away but at least now he's home we can live our lives as best we can and try to live for the moment and not have the weight of the situation on our shoulders all the time.
Right off to make a cuppa and put my feet up for a bit.
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