An end of an era and a sad farewell

Well, there have been lots of things happening over the past week in my life but tonight culminated in one of the saddest. Tonight we sold Stewart's van, and although I know it couldn't stand outside forever and that sometimes, when I pulled into the street my first reaction was "oh good, Stewart's home" before that sinking feeling, it was so hard watching it drive away for the last time. He loved that van, it was his second home and he bought that with such joy and had it sign written and was so proud of it, yet today I waved it goodbye and it felt like I was saying goodbye to him all over again.

The boys have been quite good about it but Gemma has been heartbroken, it's all she has ever known and this has sort of made her realise that daddy isn't coming home.

So what else is happening in my life. Well Jamie has taken his AS level exams this week, Alex has baked an apple pie, I have looked at a new(ish) car, I have looked at a very funky settee, I have worked really hard, I have sorted out temper tantrums and mood swings from the kids, I have made invitations, I have spent far too much on stash considering my financial situation, I have laughed a little and cried a lot. It has had many ups and downs and there are days when getting out of bed is so hard and others that I just get up. I am still recovering from the flu which hasn't helped me at all but even with that I haven't managed to stay in bed for any length of time - the kids still need getting up and therefore it meant me getting up too.

One of the nicer things to have happened is that Alex has decided that he will take over from Stewart and bring me a cup of tea every morning, ok granted it's at 6.30am when I am not really awake but it is such a sweet thing to do.

Jamie has found a new song by Lonestar which says exactly what I am feeling at the moment

The Lyrics are:

Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]


It was obviously written by someone who knows exactly what I feel and puts into words exactly what I feel.

I still haven't managed to get up to see Stewart, so many things have stopped me getting there and I feel really guilty - I would like to go on Sunday after work but as Gemma has a friend staying and I can't leave them too long with Alex it looks like I won't get there unless I go up when Jamie gets home.

I have still to make decisions regarding work as I would really like to continue but I need to sit with my figures and work out if I can afford the mortgage etc without help. It's just another decision to make on my own. In some ways if Stew had lived longer and I had needed to look after him it would have made the decision so much easier but ifs don't help and he isn't here to guide me. I love my job and the fact I am my own person when I am there, even though there are still lots of tilting heads from visitors, it is my saviour at the moment because for 75% of the time I dont think about Stewart because I don't have the time. Is that bad? I do feel guilty but know I can't spend the rest of my life thinking solely of him.

So thats this week's update. Without my friends, your comments, your support I wouldn't get through a moment so for that I will be eternally grateful.