Happy Anniversary Stewart. Today was our 19th wedding anniversary.
It was definately a day to remember for all the wrong reasons. I know the last 7 months have been hard but I think, except for the initial few days, today has certainly been the hardest. Even his birthday was easier. Maybe because today was OUR day it was hard but now at 11.30pm it's over and I can tick another box.
I went up to the cemetery and stayed the longest I have ever stayed, I think the sexton thought I'd taken up residence. I took him a single red rose so that he knows I haven't forgotten him and stayed and talked to him for about an hour. I don't think I've cried as much as I did today since he died.
I then spent this afternoon watching our wedding video, which was bittersweet. It was lovely to watch and as with all these types of video's, there are so many people who have passed away it is hard to watch, but obviously this time it was exceptionally hard to see stewart and stephen together. How sad to watch the wedding car with the groom, best man, usher and two dads pull up. That's 5 people who got out and three of them are no longer with us. Two of whom died far too early. It really made me think that everyday has to be something special.
I know that I have to pick myself up again and get myself back to where I was, beginning to feel that I had a little bit of my normal life back. It will be hard but we have my sister's silver wedding to look forward to this weekend and although it will be hard to celebrate that after this week, it is important that we do because without celebrations then life has no meaning.
I am starting to get a little more organised for Jamie's 18th, I am off to sort out the list properly for the afternoon tea (I think over 100 people in my house is a bit excessive) and the invites for his dinner have gone out. I need to sort out with the restaurant what we are having but at least his presents are sorted. I have his album I have made, I have paid for his holiday this summer and of course, there is is his dad's wedding ring which I need to have cleaned up for him. I hope it won't be too painful for him to have it.
Right off to bed as I want today over and done with so that tomorrow I hope I can wake up a little more positive.
So I will end by saying to Stewart - thank you for our wonderful marriage, our wonderful children and the wonderful memories you have left me. I miss you but I will have you in my heart every day of my life. Love you Stew xxxxx