A month to remember

Well, what a month it's been and what a month we have coming up.

The past month has been so difficult. It is beginning to hit home that Stewart isn't coming home, that it is for ever and the kids and I are really beginning to have difficult moments. The problem is that we all have our difficulties but they are all so very different and often all at once.

Jamie has become angry and difficult. That's not to say he isn't still being amazing but he is going out as often as he can, going to the gym or to play tennis, going to Manchester or just keeping himself busy. He is angry with me if I ask him to do anything or tell him not to interfere. It is so difficult to know what to do, but we have talked and I think he may now accept some counselling help and we are beginning to talk properly again. He is trying so hard to be brave and tough for us all but it is all just that little bit too much for him.

Alex is being Alex. He is getting ideas in his head (usually ones that will cost me money) and won't let them go and natters and natters and natters. And if he want's to do something, like watch a programme or go on his dad's computer and something is stopping him he is getting very angry and is staying in a mood for much longer than he usually would.

And Gemma is actually better than she was, she is still struggling at night but although she is quieter some of the time, her personality is coming back again. We still have tears and if something annoys or upsets her it turns into tears for Daddy which can become hysterical, we are getting there with her. She has started some Art Therapy which I hope will help her express herself.

And me, well I haven't really got time to grieve, my life is just hectic, but I have my time at night to talk to him and although i miss talking to him in person, I still tell him everything. There are days that are fairly good but usually they are followed by awful days. Work is hard and although my colleague has been amazing, she is now finding it hard to be sympathetic and even suggested that I stopped remembering the date he died and remembering it on a monthly basis - the 11th of each month is a hard day for me and it obviously is beginning to be hard for her. I am trying to change my hours at work (which in total would lose 2 1/2 hours) so that I can have an extra day off a week to give me some time for me and to do things, it isn't that easy - it has been 5 weeks since my request and I am still waiting for an answer!!!!

The next 2 weeks will be hard, it being my birthday on wednesday which I would gladly forget - I was always a birthday personn and used to love the fact that Stewart would spoil me by treating me all day to tea, cakes, dinner, singing happy birthday etc. It would never cost much but would make me feel a million dollars. So this year I would gladly just forget it but the kids won't let me. I am working in the morning but finishing at 12 noon and having an afternoon to myself.

Then a week today is Stew's birthday and I am absolutely dreading it. Having spoken to the kids we have decided to visit Stew on the Sunday so that they don't have to take time off school. We are each taking a balloon up with a note attached and we will release it at the graveside - this was something Gemma has desperately wanted to do since he died so we will fulfil this wish. On the Monday I will visit him again, but on my own and spend some time with him. I then am visiting the stonemason to discuss his headstone. I suppose it is fitting that I sort it out on his birthday. I suppose this will be the toughest first we have had to get through but we have managed to get through things up to now and will continue to do so.

I am just so tired at the moment. I am struggling with the feeling that I have something missing in me and don't feel myself. I hadn't realised how much Stewart was such a part of everything I did. Being with him for 20 years means that to a point I had come to take him for granted and take the fact he was here for granted. It is a lonely life now that just doesn't feel complete. Nothing I do feels right. Although i can smile and laugh there is a bit of me that doesn't join in. I feel totally disjointed. I am lucky enough to have amazing family and friends by my side who are there for me - the girls are taking me out to a turkish baths for my birthday which is great but nothing fills the gap Stew has left. I have started to have flashbacks of the last week of Stew's life which is really upsetting but I suppose it is my brain trying to work through the situation.

I am so looking forward to being able to feel more like myself, I don't like me the way I am, i am not the happy person I was, I am fatter (must be something to do with the chocolate and biscuits that are comforting me!!), I am tired all the time (must be having 4 hours sleep a night!!) and I want to stamp my feet and shout - "I want him back - I want to be complete". I haven't done it yet but I do feel like doing it LOL - that would get me taken away wouldn't it!!!

Sorry it's been a long post - I will try and blog once the next couple of weeks are over.