Monday, 13 April 2009

6 long months

Yep, we've hit the 6 month mark. In some ways it feels like forever since I held Stewart, since I talked to him, since I kissed him and in otherways it feels like only yesterday since I lost him.

To be honest, life is crap but i am getting used to living with the physical pain of losing stewart. It's just I know I am not dealing with it and that's scary. But there is so much going on with the kids, the house, finances, work etc that I don't have the time to give in to the overwhelming feelings that are bubbling away below the surface.

The kids are all having a particularly hard time at the moment. Jamie is just permanently bolshy and argumentative and a know all but I am not sure if that's his age or the grief and the age put together. He is a good kid at heart but he doesn't know how to deal with what has gone on anymore than I do. Alex is ok most of the time but every so often it all boils up to be too much for him and he goes into a melt down and gemma, who is actually having some bereavement counselling, is doing the best of us all, bless her. She's still a madam but then again she was a madam before all this so that won't change.

We overcome so many hurdles over the last week, the passover started and we got through that and obviously the 6 month anniversary was awful. I hid myself away at a crop - suppose I was running away from it and by being there I wasn't allowed to cry and could keep myself busy. To be honest I am not that impressed with the LO's I did but I think in the circumstances it was the best I could do.

I am not sure where we go from here, May is our anniversary which I am totally dreading, June is the boys birthday and I know I am going to have to be incredibly brave to get through them but especially Jamie's 18th. July and August are fairly free of hurdles and then we get to September when we have the stonesetting. Into October for the anniversary and then we start all over again. writing it down makes me realise how quickly the time goes and how little I am enjoying my life at the moment. Yes there are moments and even days which are fairly good and I can laugh again but I never truly feel the highs of happiness that you can get with life being good. My emotions seem very muted and I am learning to be a bloody good actress, you know the sort, smile on the face and get on with it. I am not sure what else to do.

Today it has really hit me how much I miss seeing the love in his eyes and how guilty I feel for not realising what we had whilst we could enjoy it. I struggle with these feelings, and so want to turn the clock back. we wasted so much time when he was alive with petty arguments and worries and all I want to do now is have one day to tell him all the things I've realised since he's gone.

I'd better not sit here too long otherwise my resolve will break down and I can't let that happen. I allow myself some "grieving" time when I go to bed but that doesn't make for a good nights sleep TBH but at the moment it's the best I can do.

Reading this back I sound so miserable yet I am getting on with the life I have been given. I do love being around people because I can feed off their positiveness and happiness, it is only when I am sat alone like now that I realise my true feelings.

On a brighter note I booked another retreat for next year and am looking forward to it and it looks that I might get a night away with my best friend in the next few weeks so we can shop for an outfit for her.

So it's time for me to take a deep breath, put that smile on my face and head back to life, I have made the decision to continue this blog until our year is up and then I will set up a new one full of the good things in life, like scrapbooking etc. Thank you once again for following my story.


Eileen said...

Still keeping tabs on you, Susy, and checking that you're doing OK. OK is OK, 'doing well' is desirable but not necessary. This is a time of your life when you need to embrace the 'good enough is good enough for now' philosophy. You've got so much going on in your life and your head, and you just get on an cope with it all. Of course you miss Stewart desperately, and of course you have regrets that you didn't make the most of every moment you had together - but who does? Yours was a rich and vibrant relationship - not a 'perfect' one - how boring would that have been?

Still thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers ....

Tina said...

You know Susy you are an inspiration to alot of us, and we will continue to suport you unconditionally.
Love as aways and keep going