I know it's been an awful long time since I put down in words how my life is going, but suffice to say it just got worse. I don't want to go into the details but I have experienced things I never want to ever again (some of my own making and some of which has been taken out of context when passing on to others). I got myself into a lot of trouble and I hope by the end of this month it really is a new beginning. I am having to declare myself bankrupt this week but I really believe that at last it will mean I am drawing that line under the saddest and hardest time of my life.
There will be still be repercussions of the last 18 months that will continue into my new beginning but i have realised that it is truly out of my hands - I cannot be responsible for other people's choices, so all I can say to my sister and her family is that I still love you all and should you ever wish to be part of my life the door will always be open.
We have had some nice moments during the past 18 months. I have a wonderful new (well not new know) job back with Jackie and Barry (and I mustn't forget Colin), Jamie is at University and loving every minute and has a lovely girlfriend who fits in to our mad house beautifully - Alex is doing his A levels but has been offered 4 different places at university for september, which is an amazing achievement by anyone's standards and to top it all we've moved into a new home - which is a little small when we are all here, meaning one of the boys ends up sleeping in the dining room - but cements the fact that we are trying to make a fresh start. We've signed the lease for a year and unless I can sort the shower out (which is a minute trickle) then we will be moving after that!!!!
As for my crafting, as Mum and Dad moved us out of the last house, my contents that weren't essential were put in various garages - so my crafting stuff is all over the place. However, after 18 months of not doing anything at all I have found the basics for card making and brought it into the house. I have managed to make a few cards for us and a few that Mum has asked for (with another order given for some more cards) but I saw a project called a smash book. Yes, for those in the crafting field, I know I am at least a year behind everyone else but I thought it might be good to make one to log the next 12 months without having to actually scrap everything that happens - although I do definately want to start my scrapbooking again - I have very limited room in the new house but I will fit it somewhere!!!
I hope to start being able to blog again regularly, mainly for me to remind me how far I've come, how strong I have been and to remind myself that when I have those very dark days which I am sure I will still have, there is a lot to keep living for - but especially 3 very special reasons. It's those 3 reasons that I have got through the past 18 months and it is for 3 reasons that I will make a new life for myself. I will never forget Stewart, the pain hasn't gone but I am beginning to accept he won't be coming home and beginning to let the pain walk beside me and not take over my life. I will make my children proud of me again because although I want to prove to my parents and brother that my mistake was just that - the only 3 people in the world that truly matter are the kids. I also want to be able to remind myself that I am very lucky and although there are plenty of people who have walked away from my life - the people that have stayed (and luckily there are too many to mention them all) are real blessing to me and the kids but I do have to say a special thank you to Susan and Neville, Sarah and Ian, Debra and Malcolm, Jackie and Barry, Michelle and Zelik, Marie and to all their families because without your support this would have been more intolerable than ever before.
So here's to a decent 2012 (I am not expecting miracles here!!!) and to NEW BEGINNINGS.