Ups and Downs and denials

Well, we are into the first week of a new year and so far it hasn't been too bad, well maybe not too bad is an exageration but you know what I mean.

There are still many issues to sort out - Jamie being 17 is being a mix of a typical 17 years old teenager and a young man trying very hard to step into his daddy's shoes. However, the problem we have is that we are not ready for this and it sometimes makes things difficult. However, tonight we have had a brief chat, well more me telling him and him listening and I hope he understands but who knows, I just got the obligatory grunt - however he is still being amazing but he just needs to find his feet.

Alex is really suffering from middle child syndrome - he isn't the man of the house and he isn't the baby and he feels that we don't listen to him. To be honest, we don't most of the time cos he tends to talk total and utter crap (always has so this isn't new) but I do believe that we need to take the time to listen to him at least even if we don't follow up on things. He has been amazing this week and bless him, is helping me out so much.

Gemma is really throwing the gauntlet into the ring with some of her behaviour. After taking advice that when she has a strop and shouts things at us we should ignore it and it will stop, it slowed down but when it happened it was horrendous. So last week I broke all the rules in the book and gave her a piece of my mind, telling her if she continued like this she would make me unhappy and I would have to go into hospital and then she would have to go to grandma's. She wasn't happy about this option at all (grandma is loving but exceptionally strict) and having had a real talking to, with the offer of telling me she is angry instead of shouting at me and the second option of going into the bathroom and shouting it at the wall, without me telling her off for her language or anger, she has definately improved. I felt awful, taking away her security blanket of me being here for ever but I just couldn't cope with it any longer, it was making my life even worse which I never thought possible. She is also back to her old tricks of coming downstairs after going to bed and not getting enough sleep. So after a long chat with a friend (thanks Charlotte) we have set up a new routine that she goes to bed at 9pm and is allowed, for an hour to either watch telly, listen to music, read, paint whatever she wants but it is lights out at 10pm and from 9pm she isn't allowed downstairs. The times change for non school nights to 10pm and 11pm (bless her she is a night owl so won't sleep earlier). I have promised in return that if she does this every night, I will reward her at the weekend with a special hour together doing something together, such as painting her nails, pedicure, baking, painting, doing her jigsaw or doing a LO together. Lets see if it works but so far so good tonight!!!

As for me, well I have the flu with a chest infection and swollen glands and not only do I look divine but I feel really really bad. I know if I could go to bed for a couple of days I would sort myself out but obviously without Stew to help me, that's impossible so I will have to get on with things.

I have also decided that instead of thinking of Stewart not being here and never coming back, the easiest way to get through the day is to think of him either at work or upstairs and so far I am better for it. I know I will have to deal with the forever at some point but with everything else going on, this will have to be the way I get through it.

I so miss him all the time and just want one hug, one kiss (ok a big kiss but one kiss) and to hear him talk to me and tell me he loves me one more time. I know Jamie is right in saying that if I got that I would want more, but at the moment I would settle for that!!!!

I have been off work sick but need to go in tomorrow - not sure how I will cope - I might be home again quicker than you can say "jack robinson" so we will see. Its a busy time of the year (actually it is always a busy time but its a busier time) so I really need to sort things out.

I have had some lovely emails over the last few days and one very special one from a fellow UKS'er who unfortunately lost her husband a few years ago offering to meet up with me. She is a member of a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50 to join) called WAY which I have joined but not actually attended anything yet. I thought meeting her might be nice on two levels, obviously she sounds lovely and has been very supportive and she has been exceptionally understanding and supportive but also because we have something other than bereavement in common - we have scrapping. Sounds like this could be good for me and I have promised myself I WILL make the effort to meet up with her soon.

As for my scrapping - well I am only really doing it at the crops at the moment. That's because between times I am sorting out my life (no tall order that one!!), sorting out the kids, making ordered cards but most importantly making ordered invitations. I have got my 4th ever order which means I have 3 on the go at the moment which certainly keeps the mind busy!!!

I moved my dining room round on Saturday morning - don't ask, I just got up with bags of energy and a mad idea of how I could make things better and actually have a comfy chair in here (the room where we eat, I craft and is the kitchen too) so that I can chill out with the telly if the kids are in the lounge. Well after doing it "arse over tit" as Jamie put it, I got there with some help from the kids and I must say I think I am pleased with it. It is definately roomier in here and I think more organised but then again I can't find anything as I am too organised (LOL). So I am sat here at my craft desk, the patio is open so Boo can go out if needed (we are STILL trying to housetrain him) and my legs are freezing (it must be minus 4 at least) with a cup of tea typing this. However, one of the jobs I have to do over the next few days is sort some kits out with photos as I am cropping on Saturday (6 hours of MEEEEE time - so excited) but hopefully now I am organised this shouldn't be too bad.

I did treat myself today to the new cricut blade which is supposed to cut out chipboard - haven't had the time to try it but I will (how odd, I am actually talking about crafting of my craft blog and not just about my sad life - I must be moving forward a little!!). I did some lovely (though I say so myself) LO's at the last crop - 2 doubles and a single which I must photograph so I can upload for you.

Right I have waffled and waffled on here, not sure it makes sense but as usual I do feel a benefit of getting my feelings onto "paper" if you know what I mean, and I hope you have managed to follow it!!! Off to bed now to warm up with a water bottle and another cuppa!!

New Year Messages

Well I never expected to be sat here an hour and half into 2009 in such a calm mood. The support on my blog, UKS and in texts received all evening tonight have been amazing. Did I have tears tonight, well yes I did but they were brought on by the most beautiful text a mum could receive from her son. Jamie is in Manchester with his friends, hopefully having as good a time as he can, but he took the time, just before midnight to send me a beautifully heartwarming text telling me all things I needed to hear (ok, I'm off in tears again at the thought!!). I don't know what I or Stewart ever did to deserve a son like him, but I thank my lucky stars every day that we had him.

Other special moments tonight that will stay me are:

Our friend, Malcolm, who lost his parents whilst young (and our host tonight) writing a message on the top of his car in the snow (Hello All) aimed at his parents and Stew - WOW, that blew me away especially when we stood looking up at the stars together

His wife, Debra, just holding me and making me smile at all the right moments tonight without getting too sentimental

The kids all 7 of them just getting along without a cross word all night and the only tears we had were when Gemma stood on some meccano and her foot bled!!!

I realise how incredibly lucky I am to have the most amazing friends to support me - I was always told if you could count your true friends and they filled a hand you were lucky - well after the past 4 months I need both hands, both feet and a few spare ones - so no matter how unlucky I feel when I think of my life now, I also realise that with 3 amazing kids, amazing parents, amazing siblings and their partners, amazing nieces, amazing family of Stewarts (excluding my MIL but that's a long story) and my amazing friends - I really am blessed.

I can't tell you or even myself why I am so unlucky to have lost the love of my life but I do know that from that tragedy I have been truly blessed. Maybe, just maybe Stew is up there watching me and smiling at the support we have down here and knowing that because he was such an amazing man (and I suppose I haven't been too bad a friend either) we will have love and laughter and support for a long time to come.

I know that no one can replace Stew in my heart, no one else will put their arms round me and make me feel that I was in the safest place in the world, no one else will kiss me and make me feel like I was flying, no one else will shout at me but I will know it is for all the right reasons, no one else will make me giggle at some silly joke quite like Stewart did but I will know that I have more than a girl could wish for to get me through the next month and years so maybe, just maybe there is a chance for 2009 to be a fairly good year. I know there will be times that I can't see past the next hour or even minute but sat here today, for the first time, I realise that there will be people (and Stewart too) carrying me through all those awful moments and together we will come out the other side.

To Stewart I want to say I love you with every cell in my body, you are my everything and I miss you soooo soooooo much, more than words can ever say but I will love you forever and a day my darling. I hope wherever you are you are at peace and are able to watch over me and the kids and guide us in our dark moments and join with us during the better moments. God Bless you my sweetheart.

The end of 2008

Well, I am sat here at some ungodly hour unable to sleep due to the fact I have a really bad cold and I am feeling sorry for myself. I have been thinking about the past few months and the year that I have had and felt that I needed to put my thoughts down in writing - so my apologies for the possible length of this post.

I have had a year filled with so many happy memories and so many sad ones which have taken over the good ones. The beginning of 2008 was filled with so much hope, after having a very testing and trying end to 2007 for various reasons. Stewart and I had found ourselves again and were more together than we had ever been. We were looking forward to a wonderful year, how ironic is that now. In February I had a fall at work causing an injury to my shoulder which to this day is still troubling me but the support I got from Stewart was amazing. We went on the holiday of a lifetime, the holiday we thought would be the last family one as Jamie was growing up and we put every penny we had into a trip to Florida and Disney. Yet again how ironic was that, yes we were right that it would be the last family holiday but for such different reasons. The holiday definately fulfilled our dreams and watching Stewart's face light up as we walked down main steet in Disney and seeing all our favourite characters performing on stage was a magical moment which will stay with me forever. The holiday wasn't perfect, but then again our holidays never were, but it will be the perfect memory for me now.

On our return our troubles started although I didn't realise it at the time and our luck started to change drastically. Stewart's fall off a ladder seemed at the time to be just a blip and nothing more than a seconds loss of balance but I am so sure, in my mind, that it was a sign of what was happening to him but no one realised it at the time. Jamie went to New York in the summer and it was such a joy to hear him report virtually daily to us with his news and excitement and I know Stewart enjoyed those moments but these were probably the last moments we would enjoy together. In September my world collapsed and I can recall every moment since then in exact detail and sat here some 4 months later, cannot believe that my year has ended with me alone without him. I cannot believe that he has been gone for nearly 3 months, a quarter of a year - I cannot believe that i will never see him, never speak to him properly, never hug him, never kiss him, never shout at him again - ever. It is during these times that I have my darkest moments. The pain hasn't subsided, it is there every second of every day but I am beginning to have days where it is there beside me and not overwhelming me and I know, from talking to others, that those days grow but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him.

When talking to others I can sound optomistic, talk about enjoying the children twice over, once for me and once for him, I can talk about the future and what and where I want to be, but in reality that's all it is, talk. In truth I cannot imagine enjoying anything properly again, cannot imagine my life 3 months down the line let alone years down the line. I cannot imagine how I can continue to exist without him, but I know I have to.

My children continue to be my rocks, so wonderful and supportive but I am trying so hard to be strong for them because when it gets too much and I break down, the pain on their faces is awful.

How we will get through the next few days is an unknown quantity - I cannot imagine how I will feel at midnight tomorrow, I have spent many new years on my own when Stew was working but he always came home, he always rang me - but not this year. I know I will be with friends but I don't want it to be hard for them either, even though one friend there will be struggling too as she lost her mum the day before Stewart died.

I keep thinking of writing a letter to stewart to help me deal with my feelings but I can't actually put pen to paper. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the feelings that will come out. I am sad, I am angry, I am lonely, I am missing him and that is only on the surface. I know it is something I have to face in time, just not yet.

However, there have been positives over the last 4 months I suppose. The closeness of my family and of Stewart's family - the support from them all and from our friends is amazing and continues on a daily basis. The community continue to support me with offers of help and the kids' friends are helping them. But I would swap it all for him back in my arms.

Every day there is more to sort out, we have sorted the garage and lock up and it feels like slowly he is disappearing from my life, I know in reality he will be with me forever but the physical things are slowly going and I know for the kids as well as myself this is so difficult to watch. I also know it's a necessity too but that doesn't make it easier. I think it is time to stop sorting and leave things as they are for a little while.

Today is the first day since the funeral that I feel that my legs just won't get me through the day, but I suppose when it gets lighter outside I will just get up and carry on again as I have been doing for the past 80 days. Gosh working that out means that he has been gone twice as long as the time we knew he was ill - I know it's just numbers but it really hits home when you see it like that. I feel that I want to go to the top of a hill and just scream that it is so unfair, that I want him back by my side, not just the feeling that he is here but to actually be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him and love him in person, not just looking at a photo. I know many will say go and do it, but actually it won't change anything, he still won't be here and it is that feeling that it is never going to change that is so hard.

However, I have to look ahead to the future, to next year and hope that there will be some lighter moments within it. We have birthdays and anniversarys to get through without him but we have special birthdays to celebrate like Jamie's 18th which I am determined that will be a happy occasion for him to remember, although I know there will be moments that are hard too. We have the fundraising that we plan to do to sort out, hopefully with dates being confirmed early in the year so that we can focus on some positives.

So I sign off for 2008 with these words. I want to thank my kids, my family, Stew's family, our wonderful friends, my amazing new friends, UKS'ers (who come under my friends) and everyone who has taken the time to either leave a comment on here, email me, write to me, talked to me or just held my hand whilst I walk this long and hard path. Without each and every one of you, I couldn't have got this far and I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2009 and I hope that all of your dreams come true.

An Update

Well what a week this has been, the good news is that my tax credit is finally sorted out and I have actually received some money. Only after a long battle did I find someone to help me out but they were truly a life saver and I feel so relieved.

Now I have the figures of what I will get, it is time to work out whether working is beneficial to me or not financially - it's a bummer when it looks like I will be so much better off not working - how ridiculous is that - if the goverment only allowed some of the other benefits you get on income support when you claim tax credit I could stay working but no, along with no free school meals which works out at £200 a month, help with council tax and help with the mortgate it seems virtually insane to continue to work .............................. except that I might go insane if I don't - we will review this in February when the rules for income support change again and see what happens, in the mean time I will struggle on.

This week Chanukah has started, our Festival of Lights, which is a lovely festival where we give each other presents. Usually we only give small tokens for Chanukah and larger presents for birthdays and this year was no different. My family mostly gave me alcohol which is a worrying thing - do they think I need it considering I am not a big drinker??? LOL. However, tonight, the second night of Chanukah (there are 8 of them!) we were home with just the four of us and for the first time the kids all gave me presents - that in itself was a lovely thought but what they bought me were so special. Gemma borrowed off grandma and bought me a teddy key ring to make me smile called buttons because she said I like buttons on my layouts (bless her), Alex bought me a cuddly Grumpy dwarf from Snow White, cos that was Stewart's nickname in Florida when we all took on alias's to use on the walkie talkies, he even bought a jacket with Grumpy on the back and the name across the front, and Grumpy is now sat on my desk looking quite crossly at me whilst I type this. Jamie bought me a digital photoframe which in itself is wonderful, but he had loaded a USB with photos of the family and especially ones of Stewart which run on a 30 second changing cycle, and yes it made me cry. What amazingly wonderful kids I have and although last night and tonight have been incredibly hard for us having to deal with our memories and the fact that Stew isn't here, we are coping to the best of our abilities.

As for me, well I am still having some up days and some down days and whatever I do it seems stewart is always on my mind. I am finding it still so hard to not be with him, I cannot believe it has only been 10 weeks since I lost him, yet it feels like yesterday too. There have been many tears but I seem to be finding a strength that I didn't know I had which means I can get up in a morning. All I need to do is find the strength to cope with Gemma's tantrums which are getting worse by the minute - I have had some advice which I am trying to follow but as yet, no change but I have noticed she isn't continuing the rudeness as long so maybe just maybe we will get somewhere.

Right, off to help madam sort out the new jigsaw she got for Chanukah - can see I might be doing this 1000 piece jigsaw with her LOL

On a happier note

Having posted about the trials and tribulations I am going through I would just like to tell you something nice for a change.

I got a pass out from my kids and on Saturday, after arranging for the kids to be out (thank you Elaine and Marie) I went to the Leeds Paper Dolls 12 hour xmas crop. It was lovely being out for the day although Kirsty was really poorly and went home and Alison only lasted till about 5pm because she felt lousy. I managed to do 3 canvasses and 2 DLO's and 1 SLO so I am really proud of myself. I will take some pictures of them and upload so that you can all see that I still do craft occasionally.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see someone about some more invites so keep your fingers crossed for me pleeeeeeeease that they like them.

Right, better get off to bed, was planning an early night but as usual it hasn't happened.

Benefits????

Well, having taken advice when Stewart was poorly, we applied for tax credits and it went without a hitch. However, when I rang them the week after he died to tell them, they must have decided that I hadn't suffered enough. First they promised they would do the alteration over the phone, then they decided that they would cancel the existing claim and send out a new claim form which didn't arrive for 10 days.

Ok, I coped with that but what happened next - well being a little on the upset side, i put a wrong digit in my national insurance number and hey presto, the world stops. When I rang chasing the claim after 4 weeks I was told they didn't have it, then they found it, found the mistake said they would rectify it and said ring in a week. That has been the story ever since. Last week I demanded to speak to a team leader who having got me hysterically crying by this time, agreed to have the claim processed asap. Being me, I trusted them and today decided that having given them another 5 days to process the paperwork which they had had for 7 weeks, I would ring. BIG MISTAKE. "we haven't got a claim for you" and it started all over again. After much shouting on my side with the threat that this was about to push me over the edge and that did they have a bed in their office cos without my money I would be homeless or alternatively could pay the mortgage but then my kids wouldn't eat and we would have no gas or electricity???? I was told that I would need to write in and complain. WRITE IN AND COMPLAIN - I have found the second place in the world that has no emails or telephones, the tax credit benefit agency - cos according to the helpline they cannot contact them by phone or email. Maybe our prime minister would like to help them out and install modern technology so that they can be contacted.

Having hung up on them in floods of tears I left work and came home and rang again to be told "you've rung already twice today". Actually, I said, I have rung only once but I want to know if you will be processing my claim before I contact the BBC and ITV - he informed me they wouldn't be processing the claim but if I rang the Inland Revenue in Leeds they would help me with an emergency loan......................... possibly!!!!!! So I did that to find that the number in the telephone directory is for Income Tax!!!! That was it, having told the lovely lady in income tax my problems and being told she couldn't help me I said never mind, I won't need the bloody benefit and put the phone down. Within 5 minutes another lovely lady from income tax rang me to give me the information of where I go in Leeds to get face to face help. I have to say I think this lady saved my sanity - so whoever you are, thank you so much for being a normal human being and caring.

I went down to the benefits help section at the local inland revenue offices and WOW another nice, caring normal lady called Ayasha (I think that's how you spell her name) helped me out and after listening to my story went to speak to her supervisor. She came back having got all the advice she needed and helped me fill in a new form which she personally will process tonight and call me tomorrow to let me know when I will get some money (hopefully next week) which will be back dated too!!!

So, ok, that's one government department that was totally and utterly crap and uncaring, can you believe I have found someone else equally as unhelpful. EMA. That is the payments that Jamie gets for staying on at school, you know the ones that had silly adverts with talking heads in the classroom telling the kids they can get paid to stay in school. Well, they are wrong, cos the people who process the claims are useless, the people who deal with your queries are blatently stupid and the only way for them to correct an error they have caused is to go to appeal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did they do - well you fill the form in and send in your P60 showing your income. That's easy, honestly. There is only one of me so all i had to do is send in my P60 which I did. What do they do, they double the pay on it!!! What the F**K is that about - I mean it was so obvious that they had put in the figure twice which meant Jamie doesn't get what he's entitled to. So very calmly I ring and explain that they have made this error to be told all I can do is appeal even though if someone got out the form and P60 it would be obviously their mistake. Nope, they won't check in you have to write in and it takes up to 6 months for the appeal.

My blood pressure must be up near Mars by now with all of this, not what I really need at the moment. You'd think that between all the forms you have to fill in for widows pensions, bereaved parent benefit, bereavement benefit, any benefits additionally you may want to claim, that they wish that they could kill the partners too. All I can say is I hadn't realised how distressing this would be on top of the grief which is really beginning to hit home.

So all i can say is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Busy doing nothing

Well thought I should update on this blog on the weeks that have gone by - it has been a tough week for us all. I think it is starting to hit us how hard this is going to be. We have had some really rough days individually and a couple of really bad days as a whole which was really not nice to live through but I suppose we should expect it. When we all have a tough day then there is nothing that can be done to help us through it, except to get through to bed time, sleep and start again.

Not sure why this week has been so hard, is it cos it's 8 weeks and that in itself is a milestone, i mean on thursday it is 2 months. I can't get my head round that figure, 2 months without seeing him, hearing him, touching him. And my god, this is it for the rest of my life, no stewart, wham that feels like i have been hit by a steam train. I knew i would have to hit rock bottom to get back up and i think i am definately on the way down if not at the bottom but I have to pick myself up and start my life all over because i have three wonderful reasons and although it is going to be hard, I am going to do it.

And to top my horrid day off yesterday, i fell coming out of work, exacerbated my shoulder injury and totally destroyed my knee which is very very sore and a mess. It was so hard coming home and not having Stew here to make me feel better or look after me. That really hit me hard because after telling me how stupid I was for falling he would have been so caring and let me rest, but I had to get on with it and that in itself was hard.

So, to start with getting back into a "normal" life I have applied for membership at WAY, a young bereaved partners group. I have spoken to Winston's Wishes to get some help for the kids, the boys now have someone to talk to, i have requested Gem's school get someone in and I need to speak to the oncologist to answer some questions I have. On a personal note, I am having a busy weekend, going to a 12 hour crop with the Paper Dolls on Saturday. Although the kids were supporting me going, it was only this week that I realised I hadn't sorted out the kids for food and care whilst I was away, I suppose I had forgotten Stew wasn't here to have them, but my family and friends are amazing. Gem is going to her friends, the boys are sorted for food, Jamie is going to the football and picking up Gem when he gets home and I am allowed to be out till 10pm. I am so looking forward to it as it is my anniversary with the paper dolls but at the same time, so nervous that I am leaving the kids for that long without me. Sunday I am working then have a 50th anniversary party at lunch to go to - I am sooooo nervous as other than a table of us "youngsters" they will all be my parent's ages and some of them I haven't seen during the last 8 weeks so there will no doubt be sympathy and tilted heads all afternoon - great can't wait!!! but I know it's a good "first" because come the new year I have a 50th birthday to attend which I am hoping will be easier for me doing this week.

So, I suppose it isn't any easier at the moment but we are muddling through. I am going for my monthly visit to Stewart on Thursday as long as the snow doesn't come down again which I am hoping will give me some peace and we are set for another month. I want to scoop the kids up and hold them and take away all their pain, but I can't and I think that is the hardest thing about this. But I am determined we will get through this and start living - they have their lives ahead of them filled with all the excitement it will bring and I want to ensure they are ok in themselves to not miss those opportunities. Without the support I am getting I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other, so I suppose that even though I am bleary eyed typing this at 7am in a morning, I am out of bed again and starting another day, which at the moment is an achievement in itself!

Bol**ks

Well it's not polite to swear is it!!!! But it's how I feel life is at the moment.

The numbness is starting to wear off and the pain is worse. I am so angry, sad, tearful, mad, frustrated, guilty and fed up all at the same time. I am angry I am alone without him, sad that he isn't here to share my life, mad that we didn't pick up the cancer earlier and have a chance to have time together, frustrated that every bit of paperwork takes so long, guilty that I didn't trust my intuition that something was wrong earlier and just totally fed up of my life.

The kids are really struggling with everything and of course that means taking it all out on me in various ways which is so hard with no-one behind me backing me up and it seems that all I seem to say is "I am sorry daddy isn't here" and "I am still the parent and you will listen". It just feels like everything with them is hard work.

We have had good moments like a presentation at school for Gemma where the boys came along with my mum and dad and it was lovely to watch. They picked Gemma for a very special part of the presentation which of course made me cry and I just wished that Stewart had been here, cos he would have been soooooooo incredibly proud of his little girl. Everything is tinged with sadness at the moment and it is really hard to cope with.

I went back to work but I am not sure I have done the right thing. I just don't have enough hours in the day now to do everything around the house and all the paperwork and the nights seem endless even though I am only in bed for 4 or 5 hours.

And there is something else on my mind. Stewart had two lots of x-rays prior to him showing the obvious sign of cancer. One when he had the fall off the ladder and one just before he was diagnosed, yet neither times did the doctors pick up the cancer. So to settle my mind I am going to try and get hold of the x-rays and get a second opinion. I just need to know if there were any signs there that should have been picked up. When we were in A&E just before we saw the eye specialist for the last time he had x-rays to see what was causing the gastric problems, surely the sign of pancreatic cancer was there and should have been seen. If so, maybe I would have got him the help he needed 3 weeks earlier giving them a better chance of treatment meaning I would have had him longer. I know it won't bring him back but maybe it will save someone else the pain I am going through if I can help teach them the correct diagnosis. I cannot believe that it didn't show up - the pains he had were due to the cancer yet we were given gaviscon and anti-inflammory's for his stomach. I know I am grasping at straws but I have to have some answers. I also need to try and speak to his oncologist to suggest that MRI scans are given annually to patients so that these things would be picked up - if Stewart had had one every year the chance is something might have shown and although he may not have lived, he may have had a chance of a longer life.

I have also sent off my application to join WAY - a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50) so that maybe, just maybe I can talk my feelings through with people in the same situation. I hope someone will be able to reassure me that I won't feel this awful for ever, because if they can't I don't know how long I can live feeling like this. It is awful. I don't want to give up and die because I have three amazing children but I can't face this pain forever. It is crushing me and all I want to do is curl up in bed and never get up. I do get up but it is so hard. I thought it would get easier but at the moment it seems to be getting harder and harder. Maybe it has to get worse to get better but all the insecurities of bringing up the kids on my own is weighing me down so along with the grief I just don't know what to do. I am not suicidal at all, this blog helps me through my bad times, but the thought of life as it is going on as it is is very depressing.

I gave the kids framed photos of their dad today for their rooms and I don't know if that was the right thing to do. Simple things that seem to be right, are so often not. I just wish there was a guide book for people like me, it would make things so much easier.

Right, having been to a lesson tonight I am about to tidy up my house before eventually getting to bed - lets just hope I sleep better than last night (2 hours).

Nearly 12,000

Yes, that is the total visits nearly to my blog. 12000 is such a huge number (and although it count's my visits, I don't read it that much!!)

I was thinking today of why I write my blog. I know I do it to keep a diary of everything so that when I am forgetful (which these days is most of the time) I can remember the order of things. I know I do it as it is cathartic to write down, almost privately, my feelings. I didn't realise though that it may help others. It wasn't my intention but it is something that makes me feel good, so thank you to everyone who has posted but special thanks to those brave enough to say my words have helped them. By saying that, you have helped me because at least I can feel that Stewart didn't die in vain. There was a reason and maybe, just maybe me writing this blog has helped someone through their pain or helped someone understand what someone is going through. Maybe this is the reason for everything, or does that sound big headed. I haven't saved anyone's life, I haven't find the cure for cancer, in fact I haven't actually done anything, yet with the words you kind people have left for me, I feel I have done something.

When I am calm and at some sort of peace and look at my life now, I realise that I have been extremely lucky. Firstly I am lucky to have known true and total love. Now don't get me wrong, Stewart and I didn't have the perfect relationship, didn't have the perfect marriage and certainly didn't have perfect kids. But I do know that I loved Stewart with every ounce of my being and I believe, and I hope, that he loved me that much too. We had many ups and downs in our marriage and far more downs than ups to be honest. We rowed, we had money problems, we had problems to face with the kids, but we did it together and when we rowed, we made up and forgave, when we had money problems we sorted them out together finding ways to make money and when we had problems with the kids we sorted them out together. So I was very very lucky to have met my soul mate, the person I would have gladly shared every day of my life with.

I know that I am lucky that i had enough time to say some of the things I wanted to say to Stewart before I lost him. I know i am lucky i didn't have to watch him suffer for too long. I know he said to the kids everything he could have said.

I know I am lucky that I have my family, my friends, my kids to keep me going every day. I know I am lucky to have the most wonderful work colleague who keeps my spirits up and brings me wonderful chocolate and biscuits to get me through my day. So however unlucky I am to have lost my best friend and soul mate, maybe just maybe there is a reason behind it. Because before all this started both Stewart and I felt we didn't have masses of friends and that we needed to make the effort to get out and be with people. Yet tonight I spent time with a new friend I made since losing Stewart. Someone who I knew of due to her having lost her beautiful daughter some 18 months or so ago, but not someone who I would speak to. However from one visit to see me when I lost Stewart I have someone who is the kindest, sweetest lady you could imagine who I can share my inner most thoughts with, those of frustration and loss, those of humour at peoples comments although well meaning which are just so not appropriate and I know that she understands. She puts things into perspective for me and i hope I can help her just a little bit too. I have never been invited out for coffee, lunch, or the family invited to tea to so many people before. I have never had the phone ring so many times or the emails pop up with messages of support and love. It is an amazing thing to realise that actually some people quite like you and obviously quite liked Stewart. It's just such a shame he can't see this and benefit for it, for however a big, strong man he was he had little self confidence and although I told him he was a wonderful man, actually I never appreciated how wonderful and that he touched so many lives. We as a family are benefitting from this and I hope that he can see it.

So there we go, 12000 visits to my little blog, so even if you have visited my blog 100 times each, that is 120 people who have read what I have said, who have been interested and cared enough about my story and my life. It really, really, really is amazing that such sadness and loss can bring so much to someone - and that someone is me. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your support, you really really really do help me through each day with your comments.

Now, I must go back to my mundane life and do some shopping. We have no fruit or veg in the house and I can't just send Stewart out to get it like I used to. Mind you, as someone said there are perks. We have no need for marmite in the house, we only have the food we need being bought and we don't have mountains of one item just because it was on sale. Oh, and I've moved the kettle and cups to where I want them (sorry, Stewart) so I suppose I have to grab everything I can as a positive. (Mind you, if he keeps making my lights flash in the kitchen I will start getting quite cross with him - I can still shout at him from here and benefit from him not shouting back at me LOL).

Handbags and Gladrags

Well actually, wardrobes and drawers but that didn't seem too catchy a title!!!

Well this week has definately been one of the more "interesting" ones.

We have had ups and downs this week, plenty of tears from us all but lots of people offering to help. I have been busy visiting the bank manager (she was lovely and only looked about 6) who off the record reckons on the income I gave her and the outgoings we have I am unofficially SKINT!!!! We will have to see what they suggest with the business loan but I am determined I will not lose sleep over it - well actually not lose any more sleep over it!!

The kids are having their good days and their bad ones. Jamie has been amazing as always although last night it all errupted and for an hour it was horrendous and we actually had tears, he is going to see someone on Thursday and I hope he feels he can talk to them. He has admitted he is trying not to cry and be down to keep the rest of us boyant which is so sweet but is very hard for me as it should be me doing that and it isn't. Alex had exams this week for his GCSE's and was very very nervous. Without his dad saying all the right things (well he doesn't listen to me) he was putting extra pressure on himself but he thinks he did ok and although he is still struggling coming to terms with things, he is such a wonderful little boy (ok 14 isn't little but he's my little boy). Gemma is great during the day, I met with her teacher this week who says she is doing fine at school and mixing well. It's the night time she finds difficult and we have to have lots of cuddles to get through the tears!! She is so stubborn, just like her dad, but we will get through it all.

As for me, well yesterday was 6 weeks and I got a bee in my bonnet that i needed to sort out our bedroom, so I spent yesterday afternoon emptying the wardrobe and drawers of Stewarts things. I have to say, I found so many brand new t shirts, jumpers and jeans that it made me giggle, he used to tell me off for buying clothes and stuff but at least I used/wore them. I sorted out some stuff I can't get rid of and some stuff the kids may want - they all wore his work tshirts (new ones) for bed last night - it looked like a uniform!!! It was so hard to do it but I know keeping them there won't bring him back and there is a bit of the triple wardrobe which has his stuff in for me to be able to touch/smell when I need to. It was hard work and I know that I have to do it, to clear away his clutter from the house to be able to move on but it is so hard. I know that if I leave it it will be harder to do later on and although it is very raw and hurts so much, it won't be easier to do later and may set me back on this very hard and long road I am walking.

I just wish he was here to cuddle me and guide me as to whether I am doing the right thing with the house, the kids, work, me .................................... I hope I am and I hope I am doing him proud.

I have arranged to go back to work tomorrow which is a little nerve racking but I suppose it's one step back to "normality" as such. I am hoping that once the initial days are over, I can just be me again where I don't think about the situation every second of every day.

As for our fundraising efforts - well hopefully we are set to have 12 months of the most amazing fundraising I could hope for. I have well over the 200 women set to do the Race for Life if the date is ok and will be looking for a sponsor for the tshirts for them. The local kids club are doing a huge fundraiser to raise funds to revamp their disco room which Stewart helped set up when they started years ago. They have asked if they can name the new room after him and use his name in the fundraising which obviously I said yes to. The leaflets came home from school, advertising the 24 hour disco and yes, they had his name on and yes, it was a surreal moment but Gemma was so proud that it was about her daddy that I was equally proud. We as a family, along with our extended family and all our friends will be there - it's a £10 entrance fee (but no sponsorship needed) and I hope that the boys will be able to do an hour or two's slot so that we all feel that we are helping.

As for the men's walk we are trying to sort - well I have someone for St Gemma's coming to see me this week to discuss setting up a race/walk specifically in his name for men. I am so excited that we could do something like this and I hope the boys will be able to help in arranging it as well as taking part - I know I have over 100 men to do it and would like to open it out to the general public too - the money raised will be for such a good cause.

And we have started putting together the final fundraiser which will be a dinner dance in October/November next year. Well the band is sorted (f.o.c. I think) so we need to find a date, a hall etc but I will do this once I get the walk sorted.

Today I am off with the two little ones to a friends and I hope to actually do some scrapping. It will be the first I have done (except for the crop) so fingers crossed my mojo comes back.

Money, money, money

Actually, it should be no money!!!! Unfortunately due to Stewart having had cancer before we couldn't get life insurance, we were waiting for him to be all clear (6 months more) and then at worst till he was 50 when we would get one of those policies off the tv - it always made me giggle cos June Whitfield always advertised them and she is sooooo much older than us, and I used to tease Stewart that he really was going to be old!! Well we never got there so unfortunately money is slightly tight - I have lost over 75% of our income and still have the same bills etc to pay, actually more in some ways but today was the day for being proactive and I sat down with my wonderful amazing dad and went through some of the figures. It doesn't look good to be honest, but it did make me sort out the paperwork properly and I managed to contact some of the companies who, bless them, have written off the debts in cases like the business advertising, parking fines (don't ask, I found 5 unpaid ones!!!!) and hopefully dad will sort out the rest of the business debts - however as a joint signatory on the business loan it will fall to me to pay it off so I am off to see our new business manager to see what she can do (keep you fingers crossed that the sympathy vote will win here).

I am also going to look at changing the car we have. I have had to get rid of my car cos it essentially was a 2 seater, not much use with 3 kids (I know Jamie drives but even 2 kids can't fit in) so I am left with Stewart's car, a Vectra which is too powerful, too costly, too much to insure, too fuel guzzling and too bleeding big for me to park!! Hopefully we will be able to put our car in part exchange and get something better for me which will cost me less all round.

Well I took the kids up to see Stewart. They were absolutely amazing - not a tear from any of them - can't say that about myself though! We also took Gemma to my grandparent's grave which she had never seen. The ironic thing is that they are three rows behind stewart, to the right hand side, you can actually see their graves from Stewart, so yes that set me off again, it's like they are watching over him. I managed 10 minutes chat on our own before we came home again. I must say I am so proud of my kids in so many ways.

The only major hiccup I have come across is the fact that the sponsored walk I wanted the men to do for our local hospice is women only!!! They can do a sponsored row or it's a knock out but no, no walk is available. So, what have I decided to do - organise one myself - I MUST BE MAD, I hear you cry, but why not, it can't be that difficult can it? - What have I let myself in for?????? I just need to the ok from the hospice that we can use their logo, name etc and then I will get a group of fellas together to help me organise it - and my trusty work colleague and friend, Joanna to help me (she just wants a clipboard, pen round her neck and a megaphone!!). One of my other friends, Ruth will do all the spread sheets I will need - she loves them - organises everything by spreadsheet - even her daughter's birthday party, so she'll come in useful for this!!

Right off to another finance meeting - I am getting pretty sick of them now!

It's surreal ...................... but it's wonderful

Well, I did go to visit Stewart at the cemetery, that is once I found him. Bless the sexton at the cemetery, he'd buried him on the front row where no one else was so that he would be easy to find for the next year or so (till the row gets filled up) but I hadn't noticed that on the day of the funeral so stood there looking like a fool trying to find him, I knew he had to be there but just couldn't see him. He always said I had no sense of direction. It's really funny because I have never understood the need to visit the cemetery when someone dies, they aren't there but now I have experienced it, I realise the need to talk to something tangible is a necessity. The weather was freezing and windy and raining when I arrived, but the sun shone whilst we chatted as though he was answering me. It went back in once I walked away!!!

Things at home have plodded on with a few minor hiccups with the kids being touchy all at the same time. It's great fun I can tell you. Alex's school have brought someone in for him to talk to and he will have that for half an hour each week, she's a lovely lady called Carol and I hope it will help him through these dark hours. Jamie is being stubborn and strong at the same time and I am having to let him do things I wouldn't normally have allowed, like driving to and from Manchester on the M62 which we had agreed he wouldn't do until he'd been driving longer, but I know he needs his independence - it is just giving me more grey hairs with worry tho. Gemma isn't too bad as long as she is busy - nights are still awful and always filled with tears but we will get through it.

Last night I had a wonderful but surreal experience. A friend and her daughters came to visit and have a takeaway which was great. My friend is a spiritualist who has passed on to me a couple of messages but last night she was here just as a friend. However, when all of a sudden she started to laugh and said that Stewart was sat in the chair and determined to give me some messages!!! He always interrupted my conversations with friends so this was no different to normal. She passed on various messages with only a couple that I couldn't get but he mentioned the fact he always had "hairbrained schemes" and that I was the one that kept his feet on the ground - that was the exact term he used during one of our many conversations when we knew he was ill and something that no-one else had known. She told me many things even describing places we had been away together, again something she wouldn't know as she only really knows me through Gemma and only met Stewart twice!!! She also told me to get rid of the joggy bottoms he wore, he couldnt understand why I was keeping them - well we had emptied one set of drawers in our room for Gemma to use in her bedroom and one of the few things I couldn't get rid of were the joggy bottoms he wore in hospital - again something NO ONE knew!! Its a very surreal experience to know he is here for me, but it's wonderful too.

Today we are off to the cemetery. Gemma has been asking to visit her dad so I thought today was a good day for all of us to go up. I hope this will give us all some peace and will enable us to move forwards.

It is a long road ahead I know and I am not sure how I will do it all without Stewart, without him by my side physically. I miss everything about him, even our arguments. I miss him kissing me, cuddling me, laughing at me, laughing with me, I miss him rolling his eyes, him telling me I can't cook, actually I just miss it all. I am not sure how I can live for however long I have without him and how I live with the constant physical pain in my chest and the stomach turning that I have, but I know I have no choice. What I would give just to hold him, cuddle him, talk to him, kiss him for 5 minutes, to tell him I love him once more and hear him say he loves me too. And the hardest bit is I know there is nothing I can do to change what happened and I won't ever have these things again.

Is it only a month?

Well it's the 11th November. A month since I lost Stewart. But it feels like forever since I saw him, touched him, talked to him, held him. The pain hasn't lessened but I have had moments where I've smiled. The kids are struggling too, Jamie is just finding he wants to be here supporting me and although he has just got back from visiting Natalie in Scotland he said he needed to be here instead, Alex is struggling to cope at school and his mood swings at home are worse than ever and Gemma is just one very sad little girl every night when she kisses her daddy's photo.

As for me, well I hate my life and although I need to carry on for the kids, I don't want to be here anymore. Without my soul mate, my best friend, my rock I feel there isnt a reason to get up in the morning. But I do and I go through the day's motions, speak to everyone, even laugh occasionally, but at the end of the day I know it will be just me going to bed and just me getting up and to be honest I hate my life.

I know that it will get better cos everyone says it does, I know that I will carry on living a life cos everyone says I will, I know that I will laugh again and smile again because I see that other's manage it, but at the moment it just feels like an uphill struggle.

I miss Stewart more than I ever could have imagined. I never realised that someone could be so part of your life that when it's taken away you feel that putting one foot in front of another is so difficult. I never realised that a month could go that slowly yet go that quickly at the same time. Where has the month gone, it is only yesterday I kissed him goodbye yet I feel as though he has been gone forever and sometimes I struggle to remember his kisses and hugs.

We have all managed firsts over the last 31 days, the kids are back to school, Jamie has been away, Jamie passed his driving test and we were happy for a moment, I went back yesterday to St Gemma's to hand a donation the synagogue had for them and to take a present. Now that was probably one of the hardest things I have done since I buried him and left him alone on a cold windy hill. Everyone remembered me and all commented what a lovely man Stewart was but it brought back so many memories and was so hard to be there without him.

I also went back to work for the day yesterday and am going in to do a job today there but I want to do another first and probably the hardest one. I want to go to the cemetery and see Stewart. I know he's not there, I know it's only the shell of him we buried but I just need to go and see him. It's the nearest I will get to touching him again and although I will be talking to a mound of soil, it's what I know I need to do at 12.30pm today, exactly one month since I lost him. I am so apprehensive and not sure I will actually do it but it is my goal for the day. That and survive till bedtime without too many tears and tantrums (from me and the kids!!)

So after this depressing post I better go and get ready for work, get the boys off on time, sort myself out, give myself a talking to to enable me to put my smiley face on for the world and I will catch up with you later.

A very proud Mum

Well, things have been quite up and down over the past few days.


I started sorting out the loft on Monday which I thought would be awful, but actually other than the fact Stewart has collected the biggest load of rubbish, it was quite comforting. In fact I found things I didn't know we had, 4 DVD players, a tent, more cases than I can fill, an ice bucket from the 60's and so much more!!! But I did find my wedding dress, head dress and veil, the typed original of Stewart's wedding speech and a diary he wrote during the time we met which was lovely. I have managed to clear a space so that I can sort the rest of it out in the near future.


Tuesday was a down day and the kids were down too, not sure if they picked up the vibes from me but it generally was a tough day.


And today, well what a day. Jamie had his first driving test which had been booked just before Stewart got ill. He stayed at home today and the nerves kicked in for us both. However, the best thing was that HE PASSED and I am so incredibly proud of him. Not only did he pass but he did it in style with only 3 minors. I had a few tears that his dad isn't here to see his achievement, especially one where he would have been so incredibly proud but I know he is looking down with a smile on his face. He is on a high tonight, having picked his brother up from the bus, driven to get me milk and see his grandma and then onto a friends we were at for dinner. He is still up and still has a smile on his face. The picture below shows how happy he is (sorry for the hair and beard but as he can't shave or have his hair cut during the first month of bereavement there isn't much we can do!!).

3 weeks

Well, it is nearly exactly to the minute 3 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. It has been a roller coaster of a ride since then with emotions being high on the agenda. The kids are still amazing even though we have had some difficult days. It is so hard dealing with them without the support of Stewart behind them. When they are being argumentative or rude there is no one else to back me up, no one else to support me through it and no one else who can hold me and tell me they will be ok. I have cried most days but the mornings and evenings are the worst along with weekends, especially saturdays.

I couldn't face going to the synagogue today. It's so hard to be there when I know it is so many weeks exactly since Stew died. Every saturday is a milestone which makes it a hard day to get through. I feel as though every day I get through is another day nearer to me being with him again. How depressing is that thought - that all I want is to get through the rest of my life so that I can die and be in his arms again. I know that I have to learn to live my life again but I cannot imagine how I will do that with the pain that I feel. My heart physically hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots. It's that sinking feeling when I realise that Stewart is not out working or upstairs on the computer but that he never ever ever coming back.

I have started to ring his mobile just to hear his voice on the answerphone but actually it isn't a comfort just upsetting but I still do it. It's the last thing I have of him and I know that I have the kids but I want him here by my side.

There have been good moments over the past few weeks and I am lucky that the support of my family and friends is continuing. I am still having constant visitors which keeps me busy and makes the days easier but going into our bedroom at night just breaks my heart. I just miss him so much that words can't express it.

The support for the Race for Life 2009 walk/run that I want to do next year in his memory is gaining momentum and have so many women and girls offering to run it with me that it is incredible. I am hoping to also walk the Midnight Hospice Walk on May 16th with the kids and with the men folk who want to support me to raise money for St Gemma's. I hope I can make 100 men for that and 200 women for the Race for Life. That should give a huge boost to both Cancer Research and St Gemmas and will be a legacy in stewarts name. I also hope to get tshirts sponsored so that every member of "Team Stewart" will wear his photo and name and make me a very proud lady.

I have really rambled on today, sorry, but my thoughts aren't really straight, this time 3 weeks ago he was still just breathing and still with me, i cannot imagine how I will get over this devastation.

A Way Forward

Having re-read yesterday's post and the wonderful comments and support I have received from it, I realise that yesterday in total was a really crappy day.

On top of waking up very low emotionally, my brother came round to start sorting out Stewart's van. It was so hard to watch someone else go through what essentially was Stewart's domain. I know in order to sell the stock etc it is a necessity but that made it no less hard to watch. He did it with such tact and care that it made the start of a difficult job easy and when last night he told me he had priced up one box of stuff at over £1000 I hope we will get enough money to pay back some of the outstanding bills left over.

There were many tears yesterday, but by last night I realised I had to put my grief into something positive and having spoken to my daughter we realised that the first way forward was to run or actually walk the Race for Life 2009 in Stewart's memory. However, me being me I wasn't just going to do it with Gemma, no, I am trying to get 100 possibly 200 women together to run or walk the race as part of a team in his name. There are two dates usually in Leeds so hopefully this will give more people the opportunity to do at least one date and Gemma and I will do both of them.

I started by facebooking everyone I knew locally and a few further away, I then emailed everyone in my email address book and lo and behold this morning, some 10 hour later I have in the region of 50 people signed up to join me subject to the dates being right. Some are bringing their daughters, some their mothers, some their sisters but once again I am humbled by the support of the people I know. My family, my friends, my acquaintences are all amazing people. I have been offered some publicity free on a local radio station and I am hoping to get a sponser so that we can all wear a tshirt with Stewart's picture on - he would have laughed at that and the fact that I am walking not one but two races, neither of us being particularly fit or sporty people!!!

I hope I can put some of my grief into a good cause and if I am allowed by the Race for Life organisers I would like to split the money between Cancer Research and St Gemma's hospice, if not then the next fundraiser, and there will be one, will be for St Gemma's.

We have already come up with a disco in Stewart's name but due to our religious restrictions this can't be within the first year as we are not supposed to dance to music or listen to live music and I would like to get a live band to go with the disco (Stewart was a DJ for over 25 years so this seems to be a fitting tribute). There are so many other things we can do to raise money and I hope with this in mind, I can life the darkness that is hanging over me and the kids and we can use our emotions to a good cause.

17 days

Yes it's been 17 days since I lost my darling Stewart. Doesn't sound much does it, a fortnights holiday plus a bit, half a month, 17 days. Yet it feels like eternity. I have only ever been away from Stewart for 5 days on the run and I constantly spoke to him and I knew he was joining me at the end. The feeling like he has been gone forever is the most difficult. I suppose I really lost him when he went into hospital the first time because he was only home again for 5 days and for 3 of those he was really poorly. Although during his stay in hospital he was quite well once the pain medication kicked in, it isn't the same as just being together. The 5 minutes we had cuddled on the bed behind the closed curtains was really the last close, intimate moment we shared and although we managed the odd cuddle for a couple of seconds in St Gemma's he really wasn't well by that stage.

He was always my support, my rock and without him I am missing an important part of my life. It's like I've lost my right arm and everything I do is impossibly hard.

The feeling of true pain from the morning when I wake up to the time sleep takes me over is unbearable and yes, I admit there are moments it isn't as intense but it's there all the time. I know that I will learn to live alongside this pain later, as others do, but at the moment it is all a bit too much to bear.

However, to add to everything it all seems to be sinking in with the kids and the financial situation we find ourselves in is kicking in here at home.

The boys went back to school yesterday and joined the morning prayers at school in order to recite the "Kaddish" - mourners prayer they are to say daily for a year. It was a difficult time for them both as obviously they are the only ones (thank god) in this position and for a large school it makes them stand out. I had rung the school in the morning before they got there to try and ensure the teaching staff were aware of the situation, however there were teachers who didn't know and this caused some difficult moments for the boys. The younger kids asked Alex constantly about the situation yesterday leaving him feeling very stressed which he doesn't cope with too well. For Jamie, the realisation that his dad isn't coming back hit him. Travelling home ont he M62 you pass the cemetery on your left hand side in full view and that really really hurt him. I cannot imagine what my boys are going through at the moment and feel totally useless to help them through, but I am trying. Gemma has had a couple of quiet and tearful days as she realised that daddy isn't here and won't be, she even commented how he wouldn't see her grow up. How on earth do I help my kids when I feel the way I do, I have no answers other than to say we must love and support each other. I feel so totally helpless.

To add to the awful situation, money is very tight. We had no life insurance for Stewart as we had claimed the first time he had cancer and no one would re-insure him - obviously for good reason now and we were hoping to get him to 50 years old so that we could take out one of those policies you see advertised. However, that day didn't come so I have a mortgage and all the bills to deal with which without his income is more than I can afford. With the support of my mum and dad, my MIL who for the first time in our lives has become the sort of MIL you should have and is ringing daily, and the benefits agency, we will get through but it is so hard at 40 to be taking from others. We were an independent couple who although had high outgoings were managing to pay back their loans regularly. I just feel as though i am up to my neck in debt with no way out. I cannot keep taking money from my parents, it just isn't right so I am hoping that once I have sold his business and paid some of the loans etc we will be able to keep our heads above water.

Sorry that this post is a rant, not what I actually meant it to turn into but I suppose sometimes you just have to offload. The support of my family and friends is phenominal but there are things I just can't voice to them. I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak. I just need his arms around me and him to whisper it will be fine - I just need my rock.

Up days and Down days

Hi again, been told off by my fellow LPD for not updating my blog and offloading so here goes!!!

Well the good news is Boo is settling in nicely and sleeping through the night. Not really getting the housetraining yet but has learnt to "sit" today so that's something. He is so sweet and brings so much joy to the family.

As for the rest, well I am ok when I have visitors and it's wonderful that I have had so many. In fact I have thought about putting a revolving door in the front of the house to help the flow but maybe security would be an issue!! Yesterday was a tough one for my eldest, Jamie and last night we talked and talked and cried and cried. But this morning was one of those days you just want to hide under the covers. It is my first really really bad day and I can't seem to get my mood to lift, although the many visitors who have been round today have helped. It is the fact that I cannot imagine living my life without Stewart but have to, that is making me feel so angry, guilty, hurt etc - I really do understand the saying "dying of a broken heart" because without the children that is exactly what I would do. I have a huge hole in my chest which is a physical pain and it is there every second of every day. The only relief I get is when I smell the aftershave Stewart used to wear, I have sprayed it onto his pillow which I sleep with every night. I know it's not him but it's the best I have.

I have managed to findd the Cruse Bereavement website and having read some of their pamphlets feel a little better that my feelings are "normal". I am not ready for bereavement counselling but maybe just maybe it will help me in time.

A picture of Boo

Ok, it's only 1 little picture but it shows you why we fell in love with Boo. We have had a busy day today with loads and loads of visitors, not sure whether they have come to see me or Boo but as long as we are all kept busy we seem to be coping a little. Nights and mornings are the worst but spraying Stewart's aftershave onto a pillow for me to cuddle seems to help (and Gemma has one too!). Jamie is a bit brighter as his girlfriend is up from Scotland for a couple of days and Alex is just Alex, wonderful. Gemma has gone to Manchester to stay with her friend so tomorrow morning there will be just me in the house (with Boo of course) for the first time which should be interesting!! Will update more later.

A reason to smile just a little

Well, we've done it, we made it, we're through it - what you may ask, well the first week without Stewart. It's been hard, there has been tears and laughter and shouting but we have done it together.

We started the day off by going to the Synagogue for the sabbath service, something that will become a regular occurance now the boys say "Kaddish" - the memorial prayer, every day. It was hard because the last time I was there was when we all went with Stewart for New Year. Yes there were tears but we were supported by all the family who came to join us. I cannot express the gratitude to them all.

However, the house is incredibly quiet, no Stewart and no Harley and although you can't compare the two, the house feels empty without the two of them here - it's like a double whammy on the grieving and quiet front. So what do I do yesterday ................................... we got a puppy!

Before anyone asks, he's to replace Harley not Stewart :) but I am hoping that he gives us a reason to continue and to smile and we have something to look forward to daily as opposed to only having something to dwell on.

He is soooooo small, soooooo sweet and is called Boo - why Boo? Well when I met Stewart many many moons ago one of the songs he told me he liked was "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" - so there may not be the Me and You but there is a dog named Boo in this house :)

Admittedly Alex asked if we could call him Stewart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! didn't think that was a good idea at all - can you imagine peoples faces asking them in and if they'd like to see Stewart!

He's been wonderful but it's so funny when he wants your attention because he squeaks, he sounds like sweep off sooty and sweep! As I type this he is playing with one of the toys we bought him yesterday - he is happily shaking and chewing this bright pink monkey - he hasn't bitten it on the squeaky bit yet - that will be funny to see. Yes I am cleaning up the accidents but cos he is so small they are only little so I can cope. He is so inquisitive and funny that although my heart is still so very heavy, I can smile a little and now I have something to cuddle and kiss again.