Those are the three words I would use to explain how I feel after the past week.
I cannot believe the support we have received during our week of mourning. The memories of Stewart by so many people have been amazing. We have had visitors constantly during the week and in the evenings for prayers and it has been a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by so much love. I am totally humbled by the love that people felt for Stewart during his life and in some ways feel guilty for not realising what a totally amazing and wonderful man I was married to. He has touched so many people's lives in so many ways, from DJ'ing at their special events, being a friendly and efficient electrician and generally being a good friend to all. The letters and cards we have received are coming in a constant stream from people from so many backgrounds that it is amazing.
My children have been phenominal and I (and I know their dad) am so incredibly proud of them. They are a credit to us and more so a credit to themselves.
Tomorrow's Jewish Telegraph is running an obituary on Stewart with quotes from many leading figures in our community and once again I cannot believe so many people want to voice their feelings, and to top it all it will be front page news - something that has blown me away but made me the proudest wife in the world.
There will also be the announcements from the family to read through and I am sure there will be many tears shed over it tomorrow.
At the moment I veer from crying, to laughing, to angry, to numb and tomorrow is the start of a normal life again - it will be a totally different normal to the past 20 years because of course the most important person in our lives will be missing but I know that we have to start to get our lives in order and start living. It will take a long time for me to get out in the normal world but for the kids the routine of school, homework and socialising must begin again. They have their whole lives ahead of them and must grasp every opportunity they can. As for me, well who knows. I have the most amazing family and friends supporting me and as one friend said to me tonight, we will hoist you back up and even give you a huge shove up if we have to.
I miss Stewart with every bone in my body and with every breath that I take, I am still waiting for him to walk in through the door and shout "hello doll" at me and the hardest thing is that I know that I won't ever hear that again. He is my light and the has been the reason for everything I do and I know that I have to focus on the positives now and the future, but I also know that it will be the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
Stewart, you were everything to me and I miss you so much. I miss the smile you gave just to me, the hugs and the kisses and the safety I always felt in your arms. You were the sunshine of my life and I hope that you are safe and happy and free from pain and that you will watch over all of us and keep us safe. RIP my darling. xxxx (remember sweetheart that I will love you forever and a day).
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Laid to rest
Well all I can say is the past 48 hours have been surreal. From midnight Friday night when Stewart worsened to now has gone by in a haze.
I am grateful that we had the time to say how we felt about each other and I am grateful he didn't suffer for longer than he did, but I am so sad that he isn't here, he was truly my best friend.
He died in my arms, just the two of us, just as we had wanted. He managed to tell me he loved me during the night and told the kids that he loved them and always would when they visited early on Saturday morning. He had love surrounding him the whole time he was ill, but none more so than those last few hours.
The nursing staff at St Gemma's were amazing and gave us all the support we needed to get through those first few hours. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done, but getting into bed last night knowing he would never be there again was so difficult.
My children have amazed me with their maturity and care and their promise to be there for me.
The funeral was held today (we bury our dead within 24 hours) and I had requested that the hearse brought Stewart home before we set off for the funeral. We then went to the synagogue where there must have been 100 people, but nothing could have prepared me for the number of people at the funeral at the cemetery. It is estimated there were between 400 - 500 people, I have to admit I didn't realise we knew that many people. Not only were. all our family and friends here - some travelling from the other ends of the country but all the clergy from Leeds were there - and between them all they took the service, something I have never seen done in all my years and truly a great honour. The honour continued when Stewart was lowered to his final resting place by four Rabbis - again something that only ever happens for other members of the clergy. Our sons recited loud and clear the mourners prayer at the grave side, so heartbreaking to watch them aged 17 and 14 having to do this. It took over 1 1/2 hours for the mourners to file through the hall to pass their condolences on to us, something that usually only takes 20 minutes tops.
Tonight was our one night of "shiva" - prayers as tomorrow night is a festival which cancels out the other 6 days. To sit in my sisters house, which to be honest is fairly large, and to watch the queue of people up the driveway and down the road waiting to come in and pay their respects was overwhelming. Not only did we fill the house with people, including the kitchen, but also the garden, the driveway and partially the pavement outside. People came from all over but to see the support the kids had, especially Jamie whose friends all came over from Manchester was amazing. Even three of the Rabbi's that were on the trip he took in the Summer were there. Mind blowing is all I can say.
The prayers were recited by my dad, one of the clergy who is like an uncle to me (his eldest daughter is one of my oldest (not age but in long standing) friends, and a speech given by the Rabbi I work with was amazing. The speech was so spot on, Rabbi Levy had Stewart down to a tee, his words were moving and funny and he even made a point of talking directly to Gemma at one point to connect with her - he also lost his mother aged 9 - all of which made an amazing speech in memory of my darling husband. No one could ask for more.
I have to say that the emails of comments from here, emails from UKsers, my amazing and wonderful family and friends have given us all strength, but to see so many people come to pay their last respects is mind blowing. As I said to Alex, when we are down we have to think of today and be proud that the man who obviously touched so many people was our daddy and my husband and we are the lucky ones to have been part of his life.
Stewart was a large man, in stature and in size but he was a true gentle giant. I have heard things about him in the last 24 hours that I never knew and I am so proud to have him choose me as his wife and to have spent the last 20 years with him.
I will be at my sisters for the next week so that visitors can call and prayers (without the memorial bit added) can be said so that the boys can continue to say the mourners prayers (which they are required to do every day for a year) in the comfort of family and friends before stretching out to the synagogue with all it's members.
Once again thank you for your supportive and warming messages. I am a lucky lady, not just because I have shared my life with someone so special, but because of all of you.
I am grateful that we had the time to say how we felt about each other and I am grateful he didn't suffer for longer than he did, but I am so sad that he isn't here, he was truly my best friend.
He died in my arms, just the two of us, just as we had wanted. He managed to tell me he loved me during the night and told the kids that he loved them and always would when they visited early on Saturday morning. He had love surrounding him the whole time he was ill, but none more so than those last few hours.
The nursing staff at St Gemma's were amazing and gave us all the support we needed to get through those first few hours. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done, but getting into bed last night knowing he would never be there again was so difficult.
My children have amazed me with their maturity and care and their promise to be there for me.
The funeral was held today (we bury our dead within 24 hours) and I had requested that the hearse brought Stewart home before we set off for the funeral. We then went to the synagogue where there must have been 100 people, but nothing could have prepared me for the number of people at the funeral at the cemetery. It is estimated there were between 400 - 500 people, I have to admit I didn't realise we knew that many people. Not only were. all our family and friends here - some travelling from the other ends of the country but all the clergy from Leeds were there - and between them all they took the service, something I have never seen done in all my years and truly a great honour. The honour continued when Stewart was lowered to his final resting place by four Rabbis - again something that only ever happens for other members of the clergy. Our sons recited loud and clear the mourners prayer at the grave side, so heartbreaking to watch them aged 17 and 14 having to do this. It took over 1 1/2 hours for the mourners to file through the hall to pass their condolences on to us, something that usually only takes 20 minutes tops.
Tonight was our one night of "shiva" - prayers as tomorrow night is a festival which cancels out the other 6 days. To sit in my sisters house, which to be honest is fairly large, and to watch the queue of people up the driveway and down the road waiting to come in and pay their respects was overwhelming. Not only did we fill the house with people, including the kitchen, but also the garden, the driveway and partially the pavement outside. People came from all over but to see the support the kids had, especially Jamie whose friends all came over from Manchester was amazing. Even three of the Rabbi's that were on the trip he took in the Summer were there. Mind blowing is all I can say.
The prayers were recited by my dad, one of the clergy who is like an uncle to me (his eldest daughter is one of my oldest (not age but in long standing) friends, and a speech given by the Rabbi I work with was amazing. The speech was so spot on, Rabbi Levy had Stewart down to a tee, his words were moving and funny and he even made a point of talking directly to Gemma at one point to connect with her - he also lost his mother aged 9 - all of which made an amazing speech in memory of my darling husband. No one could ask for more.
I have to say that the emails of comments from here, emails from UKsers, my amazing and wonderful family and friends have given us all strength, but to see so many people come to pay their last respects is mind blowing. As I said to Alex, when we are down we have to think of today and be proud that the man who obviously touched so many people was our daddy and my husband and we are the lucky ones to have been part of his life.
Stewart was a large man, in stature and in size but he was a true gentle giant. I have heard things about him in the last 24 hours that I never knew and I am so proud to have him choose me as his wife and to have spent the last 20 years with him.
I will be at my sisters for the next week so that visitors can call and prayers (without the memorial bit added) can be said so that the boys can continue to say the mourners prayers (which they are required to do every day for a year) in the comfort of family and friends before stretching out to the synagogue with all it's members.
Once again thank you for your supportive and warming messages. I am a lucky lady, not just because I have shared my life with someone so special, but because of all of you.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Stewart 9.3.61 - 11.10.08
Just a short post to say that at 12.30pm today, Stewart sadly passed away.
I will update this blog again later in the week.
I will update this blog again later in the week.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Just a note
to say that today has been so busy. The consultant came again to see us this morning and went over everything with Stewart again. Afterwards we talked privately and he basically said that 2 weeks was probably not possible as Stew had continued to deteriorate and a few days was more likely. Everytime I think we have had the worst news, I am wrong and there is more to come. The kids came and I explained that it is vital they spend as much time with their daddy as they could. Jamie has had a good day with him, and they have managed to talk to each other on and off (well more off as stewart keeps drifting).
The visitors that have managed to make their way here today, especially today on such an important day - the day of atonement which is the highest of holy days - is incredible. Family, friends, some acquaintances and more have been coming throughout the day and I am really exhausted. But one of the most moving moments tonight was our friend Richard sat with Stewart for over 1/2 an hour on his own whilst his wife Debs and I had a drink. I am amazed at his courage and support.
I have also got such respect for my family - all of them - but my brother, sister, brother in law and eldest neice, have been amazing today and David has given me so much support. It's a long story but things haven't always been that good between my sister, brother in law and me - the last year or so has been difficult and about 3 months ago we sorted ourselves out enough to be a family again. However this situation has changed the dynamics of everything and close and supportive are two words that do not do justice to what I feel they have been.
Anyway, a short note has gone on and on so I will get myself off to bed - the bed that I wanted - a double bed to share with Stewart!!! Night Night
The visitors that have managed to make their way here today, especially today on such an important day - the day of atonement which is the highest of holy days - is incredible. Family, friends, some acquaintances and more have been coming throughout the day and I am really exhausted. But one of the most moving moments tonight was our friend Richard sat with Stewart for over 1/2 an hour on his own whilst his wife Debs and I had a drink. I am amazed at his courage and support.
I have also got such respect for my family - all of them - but my brother, sister, brother in law and eldest neice, have been amazing today and David has given me so much support. It's a long story but things haven't always been that good between my sister, brother in law and me - the last year or so has been difficult and about 3 months ago we sorted ourselves out enough to be a family again. However this situation has changed the dynamics of everything and close and supportive are two words that do not do justice to what I feel they have been.
Anyway, a short note has gone on and on so I will get myself off to bed - the bed that I wanted - a double bed to share with Stewart!!! Night Night
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Just not enough time
Well today has certainly been the worst day of my life. Having had the consultant round with the blood test results, which show Stewart's bilirubin (sp???) levels are very high, it seems that the cancer in the pancreas has grown and is blocking the liver causing severe jaundice and other problems. Stewart is really really not well. I then met privately with the consultant and we agreed that unfortunately stewart is just not well enough for any surgery or anything and therefore it is time to make him comfortable and let nature take it's course. Unfortunately it means we only have 2 weeks at most to have him here and probably only a few days of him being aware of us.
Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.
I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.
I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.
Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.
Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.
I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.
I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.
Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.
Shit happens!!!
Not sure whether that is an appropriate title or a totally appropriate title.
Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.
His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.
I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.
Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.
Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.
His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.
I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.
Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Sorry it's taken so long
It was only when I signed in this morning to update my blog that I realised I hadn't blogged for a couple of days. Well what a couple of days. Sunday I went to work leaving Stewart sat on the settee with the telly for company. Jamie was refereeing and Alex was looking after Gemma. I had put a notice up on the door of the house to say no visitors till after 1pm, giving me time to come home from work. But what did I find when I got here, a visitor safely ensconsed on our armchair chatting to Stewart - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!
The afternoon was filled with visitors and by tea time Stew was shattered and went to bed. I spent the rest of the evening tidying the house!!!!
However, he had a bad night with lots of pain so by Monday morning I knew I had to ring St Gemmas up which I did. They contacted Julia, the community paliative care nurse who was due to see us yesterday afternoon and I spoke to her and the doctor (who'd I promised to report in about bowel movements to - it's fun being in my house I can tell you!!!!) who both called the district nurses in.
Stewart decided bed was the only place for him so after his tablets he settled down for some extra sleep whilst I was visited by my wonderful friend, Marie (of the wonderful cakes) from the Paper Dolls, who brought all her stuff with her to give me a pedicure - well at least that's one way of making me sit down!!!! It was amazing, she is amazing and I am so grateful to her for the love and the laughter she brought to the house.
My wonderful brother also played his part yesterday rushing to and from doctors and chemists to get perscriptions for Stewart during the day.
Well Julia called as promised at 12.15pm and we had a wonderful chat together. She made me realise that I don't have to be strong, I am not getting it wrong with the kids - just doing the best I can, and generally being my fairy godmother. Once the district nurses arrived (they were amazing too to both stew and I) to administer enemas (told you it was all fun here!!) we decided that with the enemas and the movicol to work from the top, if nothing had happened by this morning then Stew should go back to St Gemma's to get sorted. This way we will know if the extra pain is due to the bowels or the cancer spreading. Unfortunately, although I know the bowels are a huge problem my fear is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. He has so many new lumps and bumps and the ones he has just keep getting bigger that I am not sure if we should could continue chemo, but we will wait a week to decide that one.
So the result of all the medicines - NOUGHT, ZERO, NOTHING and bless him, he has been in pain all night with me running up and downstairs getting milk, medicine etc for him. So I am waiting for the 8.30 deadline and then I have to ring to get him back in!!!
I know I have tried my best but I am disappointed that I can't cope with having him home, but looking after him for 24/7 is such hard work when I have the kids to sort out too. I feel like I am grieving already as the Stewart that is here at the moment isn't my Stewart at all.
Well, I've rung Julia and she has a meeting regarding admissions at 9am and will ring me back but it looks like we are on the move again!!!! I will try and update you all later if I get a chance.
The afternoon was filled with visitors and by tea time Stew was shattered and went to bed. I spent the rest of the evening tidying the house!!!!
However, he had a bad night with lots of pain so by Monday morning I knew I had to ring St Gemmas up which I did. They contacted Julia, the community paliative care nurse who was due to see us yesterday afternoon and I spoke to her and the doctor (who'd I promised to report in about bowel movements to - it's fun being in my house I can tell you!!!!) who both called the district nurses in.
Stewart decided bed was the only place for him so after his tablets he settled down for some extra sleep whilst I was visited by my wonderful friend, Marie (of the wonderful cakes) from the Paper Dolls, who brought all her stuff with her to give me a pedicure - well at least that's one way of making me sit down!!!! It was amazing, she is amazing and I am so grateful to her for the love and the laughter she brought to the house.
My wonderful brother also played his part yesterday rushing to and from doctors and chemists to get perscriptions for Stewart during the day.
Well Julia called as promised at 12.15pm and we had a wonderful chat together. She made me realise that I don't have to be strong, I am not getting it wrong with the kids - just doing the best I can, and generally being my fairy godmother. Once the district nurses arrived (they were amazing too to both stew and I) to administer enemas (told you it was all fun here!!) we decided that with the enemas and the movicol to work from the top, if nothing had happened by this morning then Stew should go back to St Gemma's to get sorted. This way we will know if the extra pain is due to the bowels or the cancer spreading. Unfortunately, although I know the bowels are a huge problem my fear is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. He has so many new lumps and bumps and the ones he has just keep getting bigger that I am not sure if we should could continue chemo, but we will wait a week to decide that one.
So the result of all the medicines - NOUGHT, ZERO, NOTHING and bless him, he has been in pain all night with me running up and downstairs getting milk, medicine etc for him. So I am waiting for the 8.30 deadline and then I have to ring to get him back in!!!
I know I have tried my best but I am disappointed that I can't cope with having him home, but looking after him for 24/7 is such hard work when I have the kids to sort out too. I feel like I am grieving already as the Stewart that is here at the moment isn't my Stewart at all.
Well, I've rung Julia and she has a meeting regarding admissions at 9am and will ring me back but it looks like we are on the move again!!!! I will try and update you all later if I get a chance.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Saturday night (but not at the movies!!)
Well, today has been slightly better than expected. Stewart has had a relatively quiet day - his mum visited him this morning and without going into details it was a difficult visit for me. Unfortunately they haven't been talking for many years, in fact most of our time together, and although I know he is delighted to have her back in his life I am finding it difficult, especially when she doesn't seem to actually care about me or the kids. I kept them out of the way for this visit, not sure why other than i don't want critisism from her or more importantly, for them to get hurt when she disappears out of our lives again. However, I have been told by a family member (on Stewart's side) who has spoken to her that she regrets what has happened but doesn't know how to make it better - well speaking to me would be good. Mind you, in fairness she did throw a bunch of flowers at me when she arrived so maybe that is her way of speaking to me!!!
A quiet afternoon was had by us all and I zonked out on the settee for 2 hours but feel much better for it. My good friend Debra rang later on for a chat and made me giggle as she always does. She really is the best medicine I have, along with my other friends, cos they keep me feeling sane.
Our friends Bev & Andrew came for a chinese takeaway this evening and it was lovely when all 4 of us sat round the dining room table and it felt so normal. Andrew even rescued me from a spider, so will keep him on call for that job cos neither of my boys are any good with things like that!!!!
Stewart gave in after about an hour and a half and went to bed but he had done well tonight. He's a bit grumpy tonight but he's had his tablets and medicines and hopefully will have a good nights sleep.
I am working tomorrow and a bit worried about leaving him with Alex and Gemma but I am only a phone call away and I might ask my mum or dad to pop in at 11ish to check on them. Jamie is refereeing but at 9.30 so should be home for 12 I hope. I need to go to Argos tomorrow to get a dictaphone cos he wants to make tapes for the kids for them to listen to later on.
I am off out to get bagels from the bakery so that will save me a trip out in the morning and give me valuable sleep time and getting prepared for work time!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
A quiet afternoon was had by us all and I zonked out on the settee for 2 hours but feel much better for it. My good friend Debra rang later on for a chat and made me giggle as she always does. She really is the best medicine I have, along with my other friends, cos they keep me feeling sane.
Our friends Bev & Andrew came for a chinese takeaway this evening and it was lovely when all 4 of us sat round the dining room table and it felt so normal. Andrew even rescued me from a spider, so will keep him on call for that job cos neither of my boys are any good with things like that!!!!
Stewart gave in after about an hour and a half and went to bed but he had done well tonight. He's a bit grumpy tonight but he's had his tablets and medicines and hopefully will have a good nights sleep.
I am working tomorrow and a bit worried about leaving him with Alex and Gemma but I am only a phone call away and I might ask my mum or dad to pop in at 11ish to check on them. Jamie is refereeing but at 9.30 so should be home for 12 I hope. I need to go to Argos tomorrow to get a dictaphone cos he wants to make tapes for the kids for them to listen to later on.
I am off out to get bagels from the bakery so that will save me a trip out in the morning and give me valuable sleep time and getting prepared for work time!!
Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
Friday, 3 October 2008
Friday night update
Sorry I've not been on but since Stewart has been home my feet haven't touched the ground.
Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(
Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.
Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.
I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.
Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.
Thank you once again for following my journey.
Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(
Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.
Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.
I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.
Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.
Thank you once again for following my journey.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
He's Home
Now how excited am I? I brought Stewart home today to stay - the list of drugs is enormous and I've done a spreadsheet for it (my friend Ruth will be overjoyed at that) but I am so pleased to have him home and know he's here for as long as possible. It also means that life will start to resemble normal again in a way.
I am determined to be strict about visitors, especially as his immune system will start to diminish in the next day or so but I am so happy at the moment (which is something I have forgotten how to be).
Well let's hope that September is gone and with it the horrible time we are having. I know the prognosis isn't going to go away but at least now he's home we can live our lives as best we can and try to live for the moment and not have the weight of the situation on our shoulders all the time.
Right off to make a cuppa and put my feet up for a bit.
I am determined to be strict about visitors, especially as his immune system will start to diminish in the next day or so but I am so happy at the moment (which is something I have forgotten how to be).
Well let's hope that September is gone and with it the horrible time we are having. I know the prognosis isn't going to go away but at least now he's home we can live our lives as best we can and try to live for the moment and not have the weight of the situation on our shoulders all the time.
Right off to make a cuppa and put my feet up for a bit.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Happy New Year
Well today has been a good day, if emotional. It is the Jewish New Year, one of the most important days of the Jewish calendar and Stewart was determined to go to the synagogue today. So I went down early to help him shower and brought him home to get dressed (he didn't leave the hospice naked, I promise, but needed appropriate clothing - his joggy bottoms and tshirt were not really appropriate). Then all 5 of us went to the synagogue together. Stewart went in a wheelchair but nevertheless we went in together and the boys sat together and Gemma and I sat with my mum. I was exceptionally tearful looking down at my men, (including my dad) all sat together and knowing that it may be the last time I see them like that. So many people came up to both of us to wish us well and there weren't too many tilted heads (even tho my friend Malcolm, purposefully tilted his head to such an extent it must have been painful - but it made me giggle).
Stewart only managed an hour but it was a wonderful hour and I then brought him (with Gemma) home for a rest. Within 5 minutes of sitting on the settee he was fast asleep (nothing new there then!!) but I felt so relaxed knowing he was here where he belonged. I even managed an MSN conversation with my fellow LPD's Kirsty and Hazel during this brief break too which was wonderful and made me feel I was nearly back in the land of the living.
We then went to my sisters for a family lunch which was wonderful. Just to be surrounded by those we love on such an important day was special. Unfortunately by 4.30pm stewart had had enough and was shattered and I brought him home again to change but then had to take him back to the hospice. That was really hard and I didn't want to leave him there tonight. However, the brilliant news is that as long as he has a fairly good night tonight we can bring him home tomorrow and keep him here as long as he copes with his medication and pain levels. So I have been tidying round like mad, even sorting the fridges and freezers out so I know where everything is, in happy anticipation of a day I was beginning to doubt would happen. I know that once he is home he will start by sleeping downstairs where he can sleep comfortably upright which will help his eye, but I hope it won't be too long before I can curl up in bed beside him.
My friends continue to be a constant support to me, phoning me right up to late in the evening to ensure we are all doing ok.
The kids and I had a very long chat together tonight, discussing various issues with regards to how we are all dealing with this and after about an hour it finished with Jamie suggesting a family hug. I know my children are my future and without them I wouldn't want to continue, but I also managed to admit to them my feelings regarding losing Stewart and they spoke about how they feel about the time they have left with their Dad. I hope by being honest with them, laughing with them and crying with them I am giving them the security to know it is ok to be sad but equally it is ok to be happy. There are no instructions on how you do this bit of the job and I hope I am not scarring them for life.
On a positive note to end, today is the last day of September (ok, by the time this is posted it will be October but lets not split hairs). Stewart was diagnosed with the cancer on the 1st September, then diagnosed as terminally ill, then we had to tell to the kids, then we had to foster out the dog, then my parent's dog was put down so I am hoping that we will contain the bad news to the month of September and October will give us reason to smile and increase our hopes.
I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year (even to my non-jewish friends) and may we all have our health, our families round us and our dreams come true.
Stewart only managed an hour but it was a wonderful hour and I then brought him (with Gemma) home for a rest. Within 5 minutes of sitting on the settee he was fast asleep (nothing new there then!!) but I felt so relaxed knowing he was here where he belonged. I even managed an MSN conversation with my fellow LPD's Kirsty and Hazel during this brief break too which was wonderful and made me feel I was nearly back in the land of the living.
We then went to my sisters for a family lunch which was wonderful. Just to be surrounded by those we love on such an important day was special. Unfortunately by 4.30pm stewart had had enough and was shattered and I brought him home again to change but then had to take him back to the hospice. That was really hard and I didn't want to leave him there tonight. However, the brilliant news is that as long as he has a fairly good night tonight we can bring him home tomorrow and keep him here as long as he copes with his medication and pain levels. So I have been tidying round like mad, even sorting the fridges and freezers out so I know where everything is, in happy anticipation of a day I was beginning to doubt would happen. I know that once he is home he will start by sleeping downstairs where he can sleep comfortably upright which will help his eye, but I hope it won't be too long before I can curl up in bed beside him.
My friends continue to be a constant support to me, phoning me right up to late in the evening to ensure we are all doing ok.
The kids and I had a very long chat together tonight, discussing various issues with regards to how we are all dealing with this and after about an hour it finished with Jamie suggesting a family hug. I know my children are my future and without them I wouldn't want to continue, but I also managed to admit to them my feelings regarding losing Stewart and they spoke about how they feel about the time they have left with their Dad. I hope by being honest with them, laughing with them and crying with them I am giving them the security to know it is ok to be sad but equally it is ok to be happy. There are no instructions on how you do this bit of the job and I hope I am not scarring them for life.
On a positive note to end, today is the last day of September (ok, by the time this is posted it will be October but lets not split hairs). Stewart was diagnosed with the cancer on the 1st September, then diagnosed as terminally ill, then we had to tell to the kids, then we had to foster out the dog, then my parent's dog was put down so I am hoping that we will contain the bad news to the month of September and October will give us reason to smile and increase our hopes.
I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year (even to my non-jewish friends) and may we all have our health, our families round us and our dreams come true.
Monday, 29 September 2008
How much more
can go wrong for our family?????
Saturday night and Stewart has a really bad night, waking two or three times with pain which they cannot get under control. By the time I arrive on Sunday morning at 8.30am he looks awful. Unfortunately I have to work so after speaking to the nurses who promised to give him more pain relief, I went to work. It was a busy morning being the last Sunday before the Jewish New Year and unfortunately I had to arrange a funeral for a member of the synagogue who also happened to be the father of an old friend. It's difficult enough at the best of times but I found it so much harder this time.
On returning straight after work, I found Stewart was just exhausted and still in some pain and the doctor was called. She was wonderful and after chatting to us both it was decided a pain relief injection would be the quickest route to getting Stew back on track, and it worked but the whole day the exhaustion meant that except for getting up for an odd cigarette, he stayed in bed and didn't really want to talk to anyone. However, late afternoon and we had a room full of people cheering him up - it was lovely to see Fiona and Mark from Manchester (who had had Gemma to stay overnight), Brian, Tony, Debra, Carole and Dave and various others too.
We also had a very special moment occur. Unfortunately with our many house moves we had lost our Ketubah (Jewish Marriage Certificate) and had arranged to have a new one signed. Rabbi Kleiman and Rev. Michael Saville came to see us and due to a small error on the certificate, the head of the Beth Din (Jewish Court), Dayan Refson had to redo the Ketubah and bring it in. Stewart had to accept the Ketubah again (which is the equivalent of making the vows in church, where you promise to love and look after your wife) and the Ketubah was signed. It was then handed to Stewart who, by tradition, then hands it to me. It was like getting married all over again but without the fuss and there was no wedding dress either!! However, it was a very moving moment that after 18 years of marriage he was willing to commit to me again. We have joked that we have got married again - and I would do it again for real if I could too.
I spent the day running to and from the hospital sorting the kids out and looking after stewart and stayed with him till 10.30pm when the nurse and I persuaded him to take a relaxation pill to help him through the night.
This morning when I rang I was greeted by a cheery good morning which was lovely. Unfortunately because of the bad night previously we had to accept he wasn't coming home with us today but we managed to have a good day despite that. I even went out for a bite to eat with my sister and mum and had a lovely time. This afternoon the doctor came and confirmed that tomorrow (Tuesday) Stew could be picked up early for a day out with me so that he could attend the synagogue for a while to celebrate the New Year and to have lunch with the family. He also said that as long as he has a good day tomorrow we can hopefully bring Stewart home on Wednesday.
Unfortunately, even though there was good news, the sad news was that my parents had to have their beloved dog, Sophie, put to sleep. She was rescued 11 years ago from a life of misery and has spent the last 11 years being totally spoilt by Mum and Dad. She goes everywhere with them and even sleeps on the bottom of the bed - something our previous dogs were never allowed to do. She was a charismatic dog with enough brains for us all and although she went blind, she was still a loving and loyal dog who ruled the roost when she was with the new puppies we had all acquired over the past few years. However, the past week she has gone downhill fast and today Mum had to take her to the vets. When she rang I just sat and sobbed and although I know it was the right thing to do, it is harder to bear when we are going through so much.
I had to break the news to the kids which was so hard, haven't they had enough hardship to bear over the past 3 weeks?
Tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday are the Jewish New Year where we start to pray to G-d to inscribe us in the book of life and our prayers continue next week for Yom Kippur where we fast for 26 hours (no food and no drink) and the culminating prayer that day is where G-d decides who lives and who dies and our names our put in the book of life. For me this year, this period will be a hard one to cope with, knowing that unless G-d decides to give us a miracle, there will be no inscription for Stewart. We can only pray that little bit harder this year to repent our sins and hope that he gives Stewart and this family the miracle we so desperately want.
Saturday night and Stewart has a really bad night, waking two or three times with pain which they cannot get under control. By the time I arrive on Sunday morning at 8.30am he looks awful. Unfortunately I have to work so after speaking to the nurses who promised to give him more pain relief, I went to work. It was a busy morning being the last Sunday before the Jewish New Year and unfortunately I had to arrange a funeral for a member of the synagogue who also happened to be the father of an old friend. It's difficult enough at the best of times but I found it so much harder this time.
On returning straight after work, I found Stewart was just exhausted and still in some pain and the doctor was called. She was wonderful and after chatting to us both it was decided a pain relief injection would be the quickest route to getting Stew back on track, and it worked but the whole day the exhaustion meant that except for getting up for an odd cigarette, he stayed in bed and didn't really want to talk to anyone. However, late afternoon and we had a room full of people cheering him up - it was lovely to see Fiona and Mark from Manchester (who had had Gemma to stay overnight), Brian, Tony, Debra, Carole and Dave and various others too.
We also had a very special moment occur. Unfortunately with our many house moves we had lost our Ketubah (Jewish Marriage Certificate) and had arranged to have a new one signed. Rabbi Kleiman and Rev. Michael Saville came to see us and due to a small error on the certificate, the head of the Beth Din (Jewish Court), Dayan Refson had to redo the Ketubah and bring it in. Stewart had to accept the Ketubah again (which is the equivalent of making the vows in church, where you promise to love and look after your wife) and the Ketubah was signed. It was then handed to Stewart who, by tradition, then hands it to me. It was like getting married all over again but without the fuss and there was no wedding dress either!! However, it was a very moving moment that after 18 years of marriage he was willing to commit to me again. We have joked that we have got married again - and I would do it again for real if I could too.
I spent the day running to and from the hospital sorting the kids out and looking after stewart and stayed with him till 10.30pm when the nurse and I persuaded him to take a relaxation pill to help him through the night.
This morning when I rang I was greeted by a cheery good morning which was lovely. Unfortunately because of the bad night previously we had to accept he wasn't coming home with us today but we managed to have a good day despite that. I even went out for a bite to eat with my sister and mum and had a lovely time. This afternoon the doctor came and confirmed that tomorrow (Tuesday) Stew could be picked up early for a day out with me so that he could attend the synagogue for a while to celebrate the New Year and to have lunch with the family. He also said that as long as he has a good day tomorrow we can hopefully bring Stewart home on Wednesday.
Unfortunately, even though there was good news, the sad news was that my parents had to have their beloved dog, Sophie, put to sleep. She was rescued 11 years ago from a life of misery and has spent the last 11 years being totally spoilt by Mum and Dad. She goes everywhere with them and even sleeps on the bottom of the bed - something our previous dogs were never allowed to do. She was a charismatic dog with enough brains for us all and although she went blind, she was still a loving and loyal dog who ruled the roost when she was with the new puppies we had all acquired over the past few years. However, the past week she has gone downhill fast and today Mum had to take her to the vets. When she rang I just sat and sobbed and although I know it was the right thing to do, it is harder to bear when we are going through so much.
I had to break the news to the kids which was so hard, haven't they had enough hardship to bear over the past 3 weeks?
Tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday are the Jewish New Year where we start to pray to G-d to inscribe us in the book of life and our prayers continue next week for Yom Kippur where we fast for 26 hours (no food and no drink) and the culminating prayer that day is where G-d decides who lives and who dies and our names our put in the book of life. For me this year, this period will be a hard one to cope with, knowing that unless G-d decides to give us a miracle, there will be no inscription for Stewart. We can only pray that little bit harder this year to repent our sins and hope that he gives Stewart and this family the miracle we so desperately want.
Saturday, 27 September 2008
Facebook and Phones
Ok, just a quick post that if you don't have a black sense of humour you may wish to miss.
I was talking to Jamie last week and he asked how people would get to hear that Stewart had passed away. After explaining the mechanics of a jewish community - one call and the world knows (but it's lovely really) and the fact that grandpa would make calls to out of towners, Jamie decided that it was easier to sign into facebook as his dad, and change the status to read:
Stewart is going
Stewart is going
Stewart has gone
Ok, not funny but it has tickled us an awful lot (and Stewart found it humorous too)
Jamie then came up with the fact that as he sounds just like his Dad and therefore once he has gone, he could ring up customers who haven't paid from his phone and scare the living daylights out of them!!!!
So anyone reading this that will owe us money for work Stewart has done - be warned (LOL)
Told you it was sick, but hey it's what is keeping us going and I didn't want to forget the humour that we have shared.
I was talking to Jamie last week and he asked how people would get to hear that Stewart had passed away. After explaining the mechanics of a jewish community - one call and the world knows (but it's lovely really) and the fact that grandpa would make calls to out of towners, Jamie decided that it was easier to sign into facebook as his dad, and change the status to read:
Stewart is going
Stewart is going
Stewart has gone
Ok, not funny but it has tickled us an awful lot (and Stewart found it humorous too)
Jamie then came up with the fact that as he sounds just like his Dad and therefore once he has gone, he could ring up customers who haven't paid from his phone and scare the living daylights out of them!!!!
So anyone reading this that will owe us money for work Stewart has done - be warned (LOL)
Told you it was sick, but hey it's what is keeping us going and I didn't want to forget the humour that we have shared.
Chemo and catch - up
Well this is the catch up bit cos I just didn't have the time or the energy yesterday to update my blog.
Yesterday was an interesting day. It started off with me having a meeting with Stewart's apprentice to try and sort out work times etc. However, having admitted to billing one of our customer's direct for a job I took him to, I provided the tools and fixtures and Stewart had come up and helped finish, I lost my temper. That is three jobs he's charged for, actually 3 jobs he's undercharged for and taken our money so that's it, no more work for him from us. I am quite calm about it at the moment but I have never been so angry with one person in my life and I told him so.
Then I had a call from Denise, a Macmillan worker who Mum knows. She talked to me for about an hour and I managed to off load quite a bit onto her.
Then into St Gemma's to see Stewart and we left for St James' at about 12.45pm. On arrival at the hospital I realised we didn't have the hospital notes with us. I sent my mum and dad off to pick them up for me (whoops, like they don't have enough to do for me!!) and we waited and waited. For some reason the chemo was late coming up which meant it was late being done!! Never mind, we weren't due anywhere! Once they had it set up at the right speed so it didn't hurt Stewart, we were set for an hour and a half of very boring conversation so I plugged stewart into his music and I went downstairs for a cuppa. Once I got down there everything started to catch up with me and I didn't feel too well, so I made myself eat something. Whilst there the wife and daughter of the gentleman who had been opposite us in the ward at St James' came and sat with me, he also isn't in a good way but it was nice to catch up with them and I think they plan to pop in at home to see us in the near future.
The trip back to St Gemma's was interesting with Stewart wretching all the way there but then he settled down for a quiet evening, and I went to my parent's to have dinner with the kids, something I promised I would do at least every Friday night. We popped back together to say goodnight and once we got home, got the kids settled for the night I went to have an early(ish night). I woke at 8am this morning which was a lie in for me and I feel so much better for it.
I am now sat at St Gemma's chatting to stew as I type this.
Yesterday was an interesting day. It started off with me having a meeting with Stewart's apprentice to try and sort out work times etc. However, having admitted to billing one of our customer's direct for a job I took him to, I provided the tools and fixtures and Stewart had come up and helped finish, I lost my temper. That is three jobs he's charged for, actually 3 jobs he's undercharged for and taken our money so that's it, no more work for him from us. I am quite calm about it at the moment but I have never been so angry with one person in my life and I told him so.
Then I had a call from Denise, a Macmillan worker who Mum knows. She talked to me for about an hour and I managed to off load quite a bit onto her.
Then into St Gemma's to see Stewart and we left for St James' at about 12.45pm. On arrival at the hospital I realised we didn't have the hospital notes with us. I sent my mum and dad off to pick them up for me (whoops, like they don't have enough to do for me!!) and we waited and waited. For some reason the chemo was late coming up which meant it was late being done!! Never mind, we weren't due anywhere! Once they had it set up at the right speed so it didn't hurt Stewart, we were set for an hour and a half of very boring conversation so I plugged stewart into his music and I went downstairs for a cuppa. Once I got down there everything started to catch up with me and I didn't feel too well, so I made myself eat something. Whilst there the wife and daughter of the gentleman who had been opposite us in the ward at St James' came and sat with me, he also isn't in a good way but it was nice to catch up with them and I think they plan to pop in at home to see us in the near future.
The trip back to St Gemma's was interesting with Stewart wretching all the way there but then he settled down for a quiet evening, and I went to my parent's to have dinner with the kids, something I promised I would do at least every Friday night. We popped back together to say goodnight and once we got home, got the kids settled for the night I went to have an early(ish night). I woke at 8am this morning which was a lie in for me and I feel so much better for it.
I am now sat at St Gemma's chatting to stew as I type this.
Friday, 26 September 2008
Profiteroles or Tiramisu - perfect ending to a lousy day
To start off on a slightly humorous note - today's tilted head count was 8 - a record!!! I am really not ungrateful for all the kindness that people are showing me, but I just can't help smiling inside when someone tilts their head!!!
Well today's update - not a good day really. It started off peaceful when I arrived at 8am at the hospice. Had a meeting with the Macmillan Welfare Benefits lady, Tracy who was so helpful and filled in lots of forms with me including the dreaded disability allowance form which is just baffling, the tax credit form and the blue badge form. She is rushing them all through so that we can get some money coming in. She has also filled in a Macmillan grant application to help towards petrol costs and bills.
However, by the time I got back Stewart was not having a good day. We had a call from his apprentice who was exceptionally off hand, totally un-understanding (is that a word? it's late so apologies if not) and rude. He has managed to lose us £250 on a job by invoicing direct which means the company he worked for isn't covered by our insurance and he only charged a ridiculous amount. I have to have a meeting tomorrow morning with him to try and sort out what is going on.
We went for our clinic appointment at the hospital for bloods to be taken and to see the oncologist. I have never disliked a doctor before, but by god this one is soooooo rude and abrupt. I had taken Stewart in a wheelchair because he has trouble with his balance and to be honest he hasn't much strength and when we got in she looked at him and said "why are you in a wheelchair" - "aren't you well enough for the chemo". How we didn't walk out there and then I don't know. His notes clearly showed he'd lost another 6lbs in a week which shows he isn't well and I wasn't planning on him exhausting himself the day before chemo - stupid women. However, as the appointments are in the afternoon which is Stewart's worst time of day as he is exhausted then and the fact she was rude to us throughout it meant that by the time we got in the car, he was in a worse than foul mood. And boy did I get the brunt of it, he'd got angry with me whilst we were in with the oncologist, he got angry with me whilst we were in with the professor, he got angry that I didn't speak, he got angry when I did speak, he shouted at me all the way back to the hospice and he got angry when I wouldn't let him get the wheelchair out of the car. A lovely day actually!!!! I took him up to the room and then left him because I couldn't cope with it any longer and went for a cup of tea with a friend, met the daughter of a friend who is wonderful and actually I count her as a friend too and had another cuppa and then I decided to be brave enough to return.
I went back to meet Alex who had arrived to spend time with his dad and I spent 15 minutes with him trying to talk to him when visitors arrived so I made my excuses and headed off to pick up Gemma. She'd not had a good day either - had been very upset about everything, why did daddy have cancer, why wasn't the dog a good dog so he could stay with us, she missed her daddy, she missed me, she missed coming home after school, she missed harley - oh dear - the tears flowed. I got her inside the house and left her cuddled up with her brother and headed back to the hospice.
At least being on our own gave us chance to talk and I apologised for upsetting him and after 20 minutes of talking he admitted how angry he had been about the oncologist, his apprentice, his cancer etc and apologised to me for how he'd spoken to me. Although I understand how he feels it doesn't make it easier to deal with and I suggested that maybe now he was ready to speak to a counsellor. He actually agreed and I hope tomorrow the nurses will sort something out. They have offered me someone to talk to too so maybe we can try and get our heads straight with all this.
Having come home and filled in the rest of the necessary forms I got a text saying "profiteroles or tiramisu?" Yep, my wonderful buddy debra had been to a party and along with Elaine brought me some leftovers to have with a cuppa tonight. I couldn't have faced the party as although I knew everyone there, I would have continually had to answer questions and taken away the enjoyment of it being a party. And after today it was too much. However Debra and Elaine sat with me for over an hour and chatted and laughed and drank tea (and Debra acquired 2 hats too!!!)
So I am off to bed and so not looking forward to tomorrow, the meeting with his apprentice, the chemo and everything else that seems to be going on - all I know is that tonight I am shattered.
Well today's update - not a good day really. It started off peaceful when I arrived at 8am at the hospice. Had a meeting with the Macmillan Welfare Benefits lady, Tracy who was so helpful and filled in lots of forms with me including the dreaded disability allowance form which is just baffling, the tax credit form and the blue badge form. She is rushing them all through so that we can get some money coming in. She has also filled in a Macmillan grant application to help towards petrol costs and bills.
However, by the time I got back Stewart was not having a good day. We had a call from his apprentice who was exceptionally off hand, totally un-understanding (is that a word? it's late so apologies if not) and rude. He has managed to lose us £250 on a job by invoicing direct which means the company he worked for isn't covered by our insurance and he only charged a ridiculous amount. I have to have a meeting tomorrow morning with him to try and sort out what is going on.
We went for our clinic appointment at the hospital for bloods to be taken and to see the oncologist. I have never disliked a doctor before, but by god this one is soooooo rude and abrupt. I had taken Stewart in a wheelchair because he has trouble with his balance and to be honest he hasn't much strength and when we got in she looked at him and said "why are you in a wheelchair" - "aren't you well enough for the chemo". How we didn't walk out there and then I don't know. His notes clearly showed he'd lost another 6lbs in a week which shows he isn't well and I wasn't planning on him exhausting himself the day before chemo - stupid women. However, as the appointments are in the afternoon which is Stewart's worst time of day as he is exhausted then and the fact she was rude to us throughout it meant that by the time we got in the car, he was in a worse than foul mood. And boy did I get the brunt of it, he'd got angry with me whilst we were in with the oncologist, he got angry with me whilst we were in with the professor, he got angry that I didn't speak, he got angry when I did speak, he shouted at me all the way back to the hospice and he got angry when I wouldn't let him get the wheelchair out of the car. A lovely day actually!!!! I took him up to the room and then left him because I couldn't cope with it any longer and went for a cup of tea with a friend, met the daughter of a friend who is wonderful and actually I count her as a friend too and had another cuppa and then I decided to be brave enough to return.
I went back to meet Alex who had arrived to spend time with his dad and I spent 15 minutes with him trying to talk to him when visitors arrived so I made my excuses and headed off to pick up Gemma. She'd not had a good day either - had been very upset about everything, why did daddy have cancer, why wasn't the dog a good dog so he could stay with us, she missed her daddy, she missed me, she missed coming home after school, she missed harley - oh dear - the tears flowed. I got her inside the house and left her cuddled up with her brother and headed back to the hospice.
At least being on our own gave us chance to talk and I apologised for upsetting him and after 20 minutes of talking he admitted how angry he had been about the oncologist, his apprentice, his cancer etc and apologised to me for how he'd spoken to me. Although I understand how he feels it doesn't make it easier to deal with and I suggested that maybe now he was ready to speak to a counsellor. He actually agreed and I hope tomorrow the nurses will sort something out. They have offered me someone to talk to too so maybe we can try and get our heads straight with all this.
Having come home and filled in the rest of the necessary forms I got a text saying "profiteroles or tiramisu?" Yep, my wonderful buddy debra had been to a party and along with Elaine brought me some leftovers to have with a cuppa tonight. I couldn't have faced the party as although I knew everyone there, I would have continually had to answer questions and taken away the enjoyment of it being a party. And after today it was too much. However Debra and Elaine sat with me for over an hour and chatted and laughed and drank tea (and Debra acquired 2 hats too!!!)
So I am off to bed and so not looking forward to tomorrow, the meeting with his apprentice, the chemo and everything else that seems to be going on - all I know is that tonight I am shattered.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
4 tilted heads, 3 clergy and some wonderful friends
Ok, not an original title but it sums up yesterday so well.
Yesterday started well, with Stewart answering his phone in a happy and boyant mood. I visited him in the morning before going to work and he'd eaten a good sized breakfast and we decided that he should have a restful morning with no visitors whilst I was out.
I managed 3 hours at work without crying which I thought was pretty good but a question did arise, why when people see you do they talk to you with tilted heads. They come up to you, put their head to one side and say "how are you" or "I am sorry". I don't mind them talking to me, but why the tilted head. It's got to the point that now I've noticed it, it is more obvious and unfortunately, having giggled with a friend about it, it is more obvious. In fact I regularly update my friend, Debra, on how many tilted heads we have in a day. I was speaking to one of the nurses about it, and she'd noticed it too but we don't know why people do it. However, it will be something I am aware of in the future and I will make sur that my head stays straight whenever I talk to people. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm not, I just need to find humour in the strangest places!!!
After work I went back to Stewart and the visitors started coming. We missed one of our Rabbi's who had visited whilst we had lunch, but my best and oldest (not in age but in duration) friend, Elaine visited on return from her holiday. She is wonderful and really gave stewart a talking to about misbehaving and putting us through it all - it was lovely that although you could tell she cared, she didn't do the tilted head and sympathy bit but was just herself, which gave Stewart a lift. I think all the sympathy is wearing and he wants to be treated and joked with like we do normally. He husband, a good friend too, is wanting to visit but she made us giggle by saying although he is desperate to visit Stewart he won't take time off work and he'll come at the weekend. If you knew Yaacov you'd understand but as a self employed joiner, we understand too and it just makes you smile when you are treated normally.
During the afternoon we had the Rabbi from our synagogue and his lovely wife visit (I was at school with him so it is more like having a friend to visit than clergy) along with the Cantor from the synagogue where I work (who brought Stewart granny smith apples as I had told him he liked them, but he didn't know what they were so had had to go in and ask at the fruit shop), at the same time our friend, who works at St Gemma's, Amanda, came in to see us, my parents visited and an old school friend of mine came - we had to sit in the conservatory of the hospice cos there was so many of us - and it was a bit like a party!!! There was laughter, talking, discussion but we managed to have no tears.
Once they had all gone, Jamie arrived. It was quite humorous because he'd rung me earlier in the day to say he was getting the early bus back from school as he had told his IT teacher, who he had for a lesson after school, that he wanted to come back to see his dad as he hadn't seen him yesterday. Obviously the teacher understood and as Jamie is resitting the year, knew and had done the lesson he was teaching, he was happy for Jamie to go. ...................... except Jamie omitted to tell him that the reason he'd not seen his dad was cos he'd gone to the Leeds United match!!!!!! (they won too!!!). However, in fairness to Jamie, he wanted the opportunity to have an hour with his dad on his own so I left them to come home and sort out the house etc.
When I returned about an hour or so later they were sat having tea together and they had spent a wonderful hour with stewart saying all the things he needed to say to him - I understand there were lots of tears, from Stewart not Jamie but I think that hour meant a lot to them.
When Alex arrived from school he also had an hour with his dad, but to be honest it was a different sort of talk and although the sentiments in most part were the same, for Stewart it was the easier discussion. Maybe because Alex is not yet a man and there relationship is different but I am still pleased that they both had this time at this stage with him.
You may be wondering about Gemma. Well she's fine and having a ball, going out to friends after school everyday and even sleeping out at the weekend and last night too (as a treat and to give me time this morning to myself). Everyone keeps asking whether she understands the situation, and as much as any 9 year old can take in this situation, I know she understands because the first words when she sees me or my parents or the boys is "how's daddy". Not a question she usually asks but I know she is missing him (even tho they fight like cat and dog - too similar in their ways to get on) and she wants him home soon.
Manged to get to Sainsbury's for the essentials after dropping off the boys at home and then popped into Ruth's to pick up a black hat (her MIL sells hats and I need a plain one for the forthcoming new year and obviously ready for the funeral!! there's nothing like being organised!!). Had a lovely couple of hours there again, she can make me laugh as does her wonderful husband, Robert.
I also managed to have a wonderful (if late) night with Jamie when I came home, and as is our way we sat on the bed in my room and talked and cried together. I am equally proud of him as his dad is of the way he is dealing with all this, we discussed stewart dying and whether he wanted to be there etc. I have said that I personally felt that I didn't want him with that memory in his head as I still struggle to get the picture of my nana dying out of mine when I think of her, but did say it was totally his decision when the time came. Obviously he will be allowed his final goodbye before his dad goes and if he wants, some time with him after too. We discussed many things and cried together. I have told him that he doesn't change his dreams to be with me or near me in the future. He must go out and fulfil them, wherever in the world he needs to be as that is what his dad and I have dreamt of for his future. I so hope he won't tie himself down to staying in Leeds just for me.
Right, I must get myself dressed and down to see stewart early today - I have a meeting at 9am with a social worker to fill in these blasted forms, got to go into work to collect some for tomorrow and get it done before Sunday morning, pop to a friends to pick up some cakes (yummy) and then get back to Stewart in time to take him to clinic at 1.45pm (what do you bet we don't get in till at least 3pm!!)
Will update further tonight.
Yesterday started well, with Stewart answering his phone in a happy and boyant mood. I visited him in the morning before going to work and he'd eaten a good sized breakfast and we decided that he should have a restful morning with no visitors whilst I was out.
I managed 3 hours at work without crying which I thought was pretty good but a question did arise, why when people see you do they talk to you with tilted heads. They come up to you, put their head to one side and say "how are you" or "I am sorry". I don't mind them talking to me, but why the tilted head. It's got to the point that now I've noticed it, it is more obvious and unfortunately, having giggled with a friend about it, it is more obvious. In fact I regularly update my friend, Debra, on how many tilted heads we have in a day. I was speaking to one of the nurses about it, and she'd noticed it too but we don't know why people do it. However, it will be something I am aware of in the future and I will make sur that my head stays straight whenever I talk to people. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm not, I just need to find humour in the strangest places!!!
After work I went back to Stewart and the visitors started coming. We missed one of our Rabbi's who had visited whilst we had lunch, but my best and oldest (not in age but in duration) friend, Elaine visited on return from her holiday. She is wonderful and really gave stewart a talking to about misbehaving and putting us through it all - it was lovely that although you could tell she cared, she didn't do the tilted head and sympathy bit but was just herself, which gave Stewart a lift. I think all the sympathy is wearing and he wants to be treated and joked with like we do normally. He husband, a good friend too, is wanting to visit but she made us giggle by saying although he is desperate to visit Stewart he won't take time off work and he'll come at the weekend. If you knew Yaacov you'd understand but as a self employed joiner, we understand too and it just makes you smile when you are treated normally.
During the afternoon we had the Rabbi from our synagogue and his lovely wife visit (I was at school with him so it is more like having a friend to visit than clergy) along with the Cantor from the synagogue where I work (who brought Stewart granny smith apples as I had told him he liked them, but he didn't know what they were so had had to go in and ask at the fruit shop), at the same time our friend, who works at St Gemma's, Amanda, came in to see us, my parents visited and an old school friend of mine came - we had to sit in the conservatory of the hospice cos there was so many of us - and it was a bit like a party!!! There was laughter, talking, discussion but we managed to have no tears.
Once they had all gone, Jamie arrived. It was quite humorous because he'd rung me earlier in the day to say he was getting the early bus back from school as he had told his IT teacher, who he had for a lesson after school, that he wanted to come back to see his dad as he hadn't seen him yesterday. Obviously the teacher understood and as Jamie is resitting the year, knew and had done the lesson he was teaching, he was happy for Jamie to go. ...................... except Jamie omitted to tell him that the reason he'd not seen his dad was cos he'd gone to the Leeds United match!!!!!! (they won too!!!). However, in fairness to Jamie, he wanted the opportunity to have an hour with his dad on his own so I left them to come home and sort out the house etc.
When I returned about an hour or so later they were sat having tea together and they had spent a wonderful hour with stewart saying all the things he needed to say to him - I understand there were lots of tears, from Stewart not Jamie but I think that hour meant a lot to them.
When Alex arrived from school he also had an hour with his dad, but to be honest it was a different sort of talk and although the sentiments in most part were the same, for Stewart it was the easier discussion. Maybe because Alex is not yet a man and there relationship is different but I am still pleased that they both had this time at this stage with him.
You may be wondering about Gemma. Well she's fine and having a ball, going out to friends after school everyday and even sleeping out at the weekend and last night too (as a treat and to give me time this morning to myself). Everyone keeps asking whether she understands the situation, and as much as any 9 year old can take in this situation, I know she understands because the first words when she sees me or my parents or the boys is "how's daddy". Not a question she usually asks but I know she is missing him (even tho they fight like cat and dog - too similar in their ways to get on) and she wants him home soon.
Manged to get to Sainsbury's for the essentials after dropping off the boys at home and then popped into Ruth's to pick up a black hat (her MIL sells hats and I need a plain one for the forthcoming new year and obviously ready for the funeral!! there's nothing like being organised!!). Had a lovely couple of hours there again, she can make me laugh as does her wonderful husband, Robert.
I also managed to have a wonderful (if late) night with Jamie when I came home, and as is our way we sat on the bed in my room and talked and cried together. I am equally proud of him as his dad is of the way he is dealing with all this, we discussed stewart dying and whether he wanted to be there etc. I have said that I personally felt that I didn't want him with that memory in his head as I still struggle to get the picture of my nana dying out of mine when I think of her, but did say it was totally his decision when the time came. Obviously he will be allowed his final goodbye before his dad goes and if he wants, some time with him after too. We discussed many things and cried together. I have told him that he doesn't change his dreams to be with me or near me in the future. He must go out and fulfil them, wherever in the world he needs to be as that is what his dad and I have dreamt of for his future. I so hope he won't tie himself down to staying in Leeds just for me.
Right, I must get myself dressed and down to see stewart early today - I have a meeting at 9am with a social worker to fill in these blasted forms, got to go into work to collect some for tomorrow and get it done before Sunday morning, pop to a friends to pick up some cakes (yummy) and then get back to Stewart in time to take him to clinic at 1.45pm (what do you bet we don't get in till at least 3pm!!)
Will update further tonight.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Visitors, visitors and more visitors
Evening everyone, thought I'd update again today otherwise I will forget things!!! (sorry the brain is a bit adled).
Well having had a very full day of visitors today, from friends and family stewart was exhausted so I am hoping if the patch works and keeps him pain free through the night he might get a good rest tonight. I am going in in the morning and will ask that there are no visitors until later in the day. He managed a walk round the gardens today, refusing to take a wheelchair, and regretted it big time cos that added to his exhaustion.
I met Dan, the care worker for the kids, who seems really nice and is coming to meet them at home in a couple of weeks. I am not sure if the kids will open up to him but at least they know there is someone here for them other than the family and friends.
As for me, I am feeling very relieved having met my boss. I can't go into too much info on here but just to say I have there full support and certainly the next 3 months will be much easier for me, and I will not have to juggle rushing to work with looking after everyone, it will be balanced out for me so that is one lot of stress erased. Now I just need to fill in the forms for tax credit and disability allowance, there are hundreds of questions and some of them don't make sense to me!!!! Hopefully, there will be someone in the hospice who can help me tomorrow.
Right, off to bed now as the clock has turned midnight and my coach is now a pumpkin!!! Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
Well having had a very full day of visitors today, from friends and family stewart was exhausted so I am hoping if the patch works and keeps him pain free through the night he might get a good rest tonight. I am going in in the morning and will ask that there are no visitors until later in the day. He managed a walk round the gardens today, refusing to take a wheelchair, and regretted it big time cos that added to his exhaustion.
I met Dan, the care worker for the kids, who seems really nice and is coming to meet them at home in a couple of weeks. I am not sure if the kids will open up to him but at least they know there is someone here for them other than the family and friends.
As for me, I am feeling very relieved having met my boss. I can't go into too much info on here but just to say I have there full support and certainly the next 3 months will be much easier for me, and I will not have to juggle rushing to work with looking after everyone, it will be balanced out for me so that is one lot of stress erased. Now I just need to fill in the forms for tax credit and disability allowance, there are hundreds of questions and some of them don't make sense to me!!!! Hopefully, there will be someone in the hospice who can help me tomorrow.
Right, off to bed now as the clock has turned midnight and my coach is now a pumpkin!!! Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.
Peace and calm
Sorry for not updating last night but having had a very up and down day yesterday, with Stewart's eye not being good, going to radiotherapy, coming back and dealing with the mortgage company and car company, then a long afternoon with visitors and running the kids around, I am sat here, in St Gemma's updating this.
It was lovely that the boys walked from the bus yesterday after school and had tea with us, Gemma having gone to friends, although they popped in to see us after school. I managed to have a bit of me time, and visited Ruth for a cup of tea after I left Stewart last night and Lindsay popped in and we talked and laughed with no tears at all, which was nice.
Today I was back here after dropping Gemma off at school, actually I arrived and had to turn round immediately to pick up the stuff I'd left on the kitchen table. I had planned on working today but it has been a busy day. Our friend, Tracy, came in (she is a medium) and talked to Stewart and answered some of his questions of what happens when you die. It is amazing how much calmer he is and at peace with it, knowing that he will still be him and that his Dad is waiting for him with the olive branch out. I am not sure how I feel, it is hard to let go of the feelings I have about his Dad but those are feelings I will keep to myself. Tracy then spent an hour with me supporting me and talking to me.
My brother and Bev have visited along with Stewart's mother again and his brothers have both rung too which I think he finds comforting.
He is laid on the bed watching telly whilst I sit here, waiting for the social worker to come in and help me fill in the many forms that need doing!!!!!
I am not sure how I am at the moment, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is like a gnawing pain that won't go away. My stomach flips when I think of the next months to come but outwardly I am coping. As always the kids are amazing and my love for them and for Stewart is growing by the second.
I might be back on later tonight, it will depend how my meeting goes with my boss from work regarding the time off I am taking - he has assured me they are not sacking me but it will depend if they can continue to pay me when I am off or not as to the next decision that I will have to make cos if they can't cover my wages I may well have to give up the job.
It was lovely that the boys walked from the bus yesterday after school and had tea with us, Gemma having gone to friends, although they popped in to see us after school. I managed to have a bit of me time, and visited Ruth for a cup of tea after I left Stewart last night and Lindsay popped in and we talked and laughed with no tears at all, which was nice.
Today I was back here after dropping Gemma off at school, actually I arrived and had to turn round immediately to pick up the stuff I'd left on the kitchen table. I had planned on working today but it has been a busy day. Our friend, Tracy, came in (she is a medium) and talked to Stewart and answered some of his questions of what happens when you die. It is amazing how much calmer he is and at peace with it, knowing that he will still be him and that his Dad is waiting for him with the olive branch out. I am not sure how I feel, it is hard to let go of the feelings I have about his Dad but those are feelings I will keep to myself. Tracy then spent an hour with me supporting me and talking to me.
My brother and Bev have visited along with Stewart's mother again and his brothers have both rung too which I think he finds comforting.
He is laid on the bed watching telly whilst I sit here, waiting for the social worker to come in and help me fill in the many forms that need doing!!!!!
I am not sure how I am at the moment, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is like a gnawing pain that won't go away. My stomach flips when I think of the next months to come but outwardly I am coping. As always the kids are amazing and my love for them and for Stewart is growing by the second.
I might be back on later tonight, it will depend how my meeting goes with my boss from work regarding the time off I am taking - he has assured me they are not sacking me but it will depend if they can continue to pay me when I am off or not as to the next decision that I will have to make cos if they can't cover my wages I may well have to give up the job.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Tears
Oh dear, what a day. I definately wasn't at my best!!!! I woke up upset, carried on being upset and snappy, cried on and off all day and eventually Stewart through me out at 7.30pm telling me to go home and sleep!!!! He wasn't having a good day either, we really must try and alternate our "off" days so we can support each other. I then came home and shouted at the kids, but hopefully they understand that today the anger hit me and the unfairness of the situation.
Other than that, the day has been ok!! He has only needed one extra top up of pain killers but tomorrow will be the test when we are driving to and from the hospital for his radiotherapy.
My best friend Debra rang tonight, and really cheered me up, as she does regularly, her sense of humour keeps me going.
Right, sorry only a short update but nothing really has happened today (other than emotions) so will update you again tomorrow.
Other than that, the day has been ok!! He has only needed one extra top up of pain killers but tomorrow will be the test when we are driving to and from the hospital for his radiotherapy.
My best friend Debra rang tonight, and really cheered me up, as she does regularly, her sense of humour keeps me going.
Right, sorry only a short update but nothing really has happened today (other than emotions) so will update you again tomorrow.
A Busy Day
Just a quick update on today's happenings.
Stewart had a better night's sleep, even though the nurses woke him a couple of times when checking his syringe driver - he will be so much better if we can get him off this and onto tablets so that he can sleep through.
We had visitors all day, most especially his estranged mother who we haven't seen for 4 years (and then for half an hour if that) and really not for 10 years. I left Stewart to pick up Gemma from last night's sleep out and drop her off at the next, which gave them time alone. I don't think anything specific was said but I do know that this has given him peace of mind which at the end of the day is what matters. I know there are issues to face in the future with me and my MIL but I will take one step at a time.
He was very emotional today, first when I put my foot in it and mentioned the kids weddings and then everytime he tried to speak about the kids, he fell apart - it was hard to watch but I know it's the process he has to go through - it's still really shitty though.
We had lots of friends pop in too during the day and by 9pm Stewart was shattered, so I tucked him into bed for a good night's rest hopefully.
The only other major happening today was that Val and Steve, the dog breeders we bought Harley from, came to pick him up to stay for a couple of days and then to pass him on to his new foster parents. I hadn't realised how hard to say goodbye to Harley would be but they made it so much easier for me, poor Alex just sobbed his heart out. I know we have done the right thing for both us and Harley, I know he will be so happy with his new family who have the time to walk him, run with him, play with him and even take him on the boat with them, but that doesn't make the decision feel any less awful. The kids want to visit him but I just feel that it isn't the right thing to do as it will be more painful too see him and then say goodbye all over again. I will miss him though (but my carpet won't, he's left me with a huge hole in it this morning!!)
Right, got to be up early to go get the bagels and be with Stewart for 9am so that I can help him shower etc before the next visitors come along.
We are eternally grateful for everyone's visits, they are tiring but they lift his spirits and it's warming to watch. I don't think he knew how much he was loved.
Stewart had a better night's sleep, even though the nurses woke him a couple of times when checking his syringe driver - he will be so much better if we can get him off this and onto tablets so that he can sleep through.
We had visitors all day, most especially his estranged mother who we haven't seen for 4 years (and then for half an hour if that) and really not for 10 years. I left Stewart to pick up Gemma from last night's sleep out and drop her off at the next, which gave them time alone. I don't think anything specific was said but I do know that this has given him peace of mind which at the end of the day is what matters. I know there are issues to face in the future with me and my MIL but I will take one step at a time.
He was very emotional today, first when I put my foot in it and mentioned the kids weddings and then everytime he tried to speak about the kids, he fell apart - it was hard to watch but I know it's the process he has to go through - it's still really shitty though.
We had lots of friends pop in too during the day and by 9pm Stewart was shattered, so I tucked him into bed for a good night's rest hopefully.
The only other major happening today was that Val and Steve, the dog breeders we bought Harley from, came to pick him up to stay for a couple of days and then to pass him on to his new foster parents. I hadn't realised how hard to say goodbye to Harley would be but they made it so much easier for me, poor Alex just sobbed his heart out. I know we have done the right thing for both us and Harley, I know he will be so happy with his new family who have the time to walk him, run with him, play with him and even take him on the boat with them, but that doesn't make the decision feel any less awful. The kids want to visit him but I just feel that it isn't the right thing to do as it will be more painful too see him and then say goodbye all over again. I will miss him though (but my carpet won't, he's left me with a huge hole in it this morning!!)
Right, got to be up early to go get the bagels and be with Stewart for 9am so that I can help him shower etc before the next visitors come along.
We are eternally grateful for everyone's visits, they are tiring but they lift his spirits and it's warming to watch. I don't think he knew how much he was loved.
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