Susy's scraps

New Year New Beginnings

2012-01-11T23:28:00.002Z

I know it's been an awful long time since I put down in words how my life is going, but suffice to say it just got worse. I don't want to go into the details but I have experienced things I never want to ever again (some of my own making and some of which has been taken out of context when passing on to others). I got myself into a lot of trouble and I hope by the end of this month it really is a new beginning. I am having to declare myself bankrupt this week but I really believe that at last it will mean I am drawing that line under the saddest and hardest time of my life.

There will be still be repercussions of the last 18 months that will continue into my new beginning but i have realised that it is truly out of my hands - I cannot be responsible for other people's choices, so all I can say to my sister and her family is that I still love you all and should you ever wish to be part of my life the door will always be open.

We have had some nice moments during the past 18 months. I have a wonderful new (well not new know) job back with Jackie and Barry (and I mustn't forget Colin), Jamie is at University and loving every minute and has a lovely girlfriend who fits in to our mad house beautifully - Alex is doing his A levels but has been offered 4 different places at university for september, which is an amazing achievement by anyone's standards and to top it all we've moved into a new home - which is a little small when we are all here, meaning one of the boys ends up sleeping in the dining room - but cements the fact that we are trying to make a fresh start. We've signed the lease for a year and unless I can sort the shower out (which is a minute trickle) then we will be moving after that!!!!

As for my crafting, as Mum and Dad moved us out of the last house, my contents that weren't essential were put in various garages - so my crafting stuff is all over the place. However, after 18 months of not doing anything at all I have found the basics for card making and brought it into the house. I have managed to make a few cards for us and a few that Mum has asked for (with another order given for some more cards) but I saw a project called a smash book. Yes, for those in the crafting field, I know I am at least a year behind everyone else but I thought it might be good to make one to log the next 12 months without having to actually scrap everything that happens - although I do definately want to start my scrapbooking again - I have very limited room in the new house but I will fit it somewhere!!!

I hope to start being able to blog again regularly, mainly for me to remind me how far I've come, how strong I have been and to remind myself that when I have those very dark days which I am sure I will still have, there is a lot to keep living for - but especially 3 very special reasons. It's those 3 reasons that I have got through the past 18 months and it is for 3 reasons that I will make a new life for myself. I will never forget Stewart, the pain hasn't gone but I am beginning to accept he won't be coming home and beginning to let the pain walk beside me and not take over my life. I will make my children proud of me again because although I want to prove to my parents and brother that my mistake was just that - the only 3 people in the world that truly matter are the kids. I also want to be able to remind myself that I am very lucky and although there are plenty of people who have walked away from my life - the people that have stayed (and luckily there are too many to mention them all) are real blessing to me and the kids but I do have to say a special thank you to Susan and Neville, Sarah and Ian, Debra and Malcolm, Jackie and Barry, Michelle and Zelik, Marie and to all their families because without your support this would have been more intolerable than ever before.

So here's to a decent 2012 (I am not expecting miracles here!!!) and to NEW BEGINNINGS.

Cyber crop alert

2010-04-04T11:58:00.003+01:00

Yep, it's happened, they've announced another cyber crop on UKS - it's slightly different as instead of buying kits they have given you a kit list or a list of what you need as an alternative - and its the latter I shall be using as I cannot possibly buy more stuff LOL. However, saying that I had a little splurge this week as I am definately under the weather.

I seem to have had a flu type bug - aching body, sneezing, swollen glands, temperature - oh that's been fun and very typical as I have a few days off work as it is the Passover. The kids have been great tho and today I feel slightly better. However to cheer myself up yesterday I went and ordered some fancy pants papers from Sarahs Cards (whoops LOL) and then a couple of punches and a template too from Modscraps (whoops again) but at least I have something to look forward to receiving this week.

Anyway, the point of this post is that the cyber crop has meant I had to sort out some of my papers last night and then I had a bit of a scrapping session - and here are the results.

This one was a LO I started at the paper dolls crop but couldn't think of a title - well I found a wonderful website www.theperfecttitle.com/songs/songs.shtml which gives you lots of ideas and this is the result

I then decided that with another Sarah's cards retreat some 300+ days away, I should do the LO on the first retreat and here it is

It's difficult to do a LO with so many photos but this paper seemed to be perfect (Fiskers Cloud9 kit that I bought eons ago) so I am pleased to find something to go with it.

Had a little trouble as ran out of r's for the title so changed some of the letters to orange thickers as there seems to be a lot of orange worn at the retreat LOL

As for me - well Passover came and after all the work to prepare for it we seem to be doing ok - must say if I never see another piece of matzah then I won't be dissappointed LOL. But only got 3 days left (including today) and looking forward to a pizza at 9.30 on Tuesday evening LOL

And there's more

2010-03-22T01:12:00.004Z

Yep, I have continued to scrap whilst designing invitations and starting making them - so along with work, kids and trying to keep the house clean I have been a busy bee.

The first LO is one I have done for the sarah's cards blog challenge here - I found some papers that I bought when I first started scrapbooking and have used these for a very rare LO of a birthday - I just don't seem to do these for some reason.

Not sure I like it - it was one of those LO's that took me absolutely ages but there we go - it's done and it's in the album.

This LO is using February's Sarah's cards kit - now this is an achievement because not only do I never use a kit before the next one arrives, it was one of those that I wasn't sure about - but then I found this photo and it all just came together - however I am noticing a theme of having a strip of paper etc running through the middle of the card - I blame Racheal for that LOL as I just loved her LO from the retreat.

As for the rest of my news, I am delighted that there will be another retreat next year - and on my birthday too - now that's exciting - unfortunately some of those there this year haven't got in :( which is sad but we are hoping that the they will get in on the reserve list but I am really looking forward to it - and Ali is coming with me again :-)

I am also going on the LPD retreat in July - so very excited I must say and hopefully I will be sharing with Ali again :-)

Right best get off to work and Gem off to school.

Layouts, Layouts and more Layouts

2010-03-11T13:00:00.004Z

Well here goes ........................... the first layouts are the completed ones from Sarahs Retreat

This was Lou's class - and she made me scrunch paper and ribble it too - boy did I have problems working that gadget LOL

Two layouts from Sarah's class - I have never done 8.5 x 11 layouts but am totally converted - i turned the photoshoot layout round to fit the fact that i hadn't read the instructions and me filmstrip photos were the wrong way round - but actually I really think it works this way too.

this was Racheal's class - and probably the most complicated but I love it - again I had to scrunch paper and tear and ink it - but it has turned out beautiful and I love the fact that the picture I chose matches absolutely perfectly.

this was Lianne's class and again I learnt so much - i have never really used a template on a layout or used pain in this way and I love the way we used the journalling paper by cutting them out and layering them up.

And now for my layouts that i did at the retreat - some of these were inspired by layouts and techniques I had learnt during the weekend

I adored the kit from Sarah's cards and as I had bought some of the paper before I thought it was a good time to use it up in a multitude of layouts - and these were the result.

My mojo has definately come back and this is the one I did based on racheal's class when I got home

As I am home today as Gemma isn't too well, I am cooking for dinner tomorrow as I have 7 of Jamie's student friends coming for dinner but I think I might just do some more scrapping.

Retreat pictures

2010-03-10T19:10:00.007Z

Here are the few pictures I actually remembered to take LOL - my apologies for the photography - i am useless with a camera LOL

this is my car - ready and packed - to be honest the box under the bags is the stuff I brought for the charity table and other than the pink tote and blue tool bag and my case I could have left everything else at home.

This is me with my roomie and friend - Ali - she is one of the most talented scrapper but more importantly she is the nicest person you could ever meet - thank you Ali for coming along this weekend and having such a laugh - now all we need to do is ensure that you have a bra that stays done up over the dinner table LOL ;-)

A view of the cropping room - everyone was really busy after the classes had finished on Sunday afternoon.

Sam and Gwyneth who sat on our table and shared the backrow of the classroom with us - and how we laughed together - bless them both - I loved being with you for the weekend and hope we can see each other again soon.

Here's a picture of Julie - and not sure where my picture of Helen is LOL - but they did make me laugh throughout the evenings (and the days as well LOL) - good luck Helen with your forthcoming op and I hope when you are back on your feet we can all meet up again.

Tara, who joined us for dinner, got more than she bargained for with Ali, but we did laugh and I LURVE the accent xx

And here are the ladies on the next table - loved them too and we did laugh - and I am so grateful that Chloe (back left) and I got out of Manchester car park to get to the retreat.

Here's Jane - doing what we all did very well during the weekend - shopping!!!!

Another picture which isn't quite the one I wanted - this was supposed to be Sarah and Lianne together (well they are but I only got the back of sarah) but it's a lovely picture of Lianne x

And a picture of some of the design team on sunday afternoon - they all did a magnificent job of teaching especially someone like me who just can take instructions LOL.

And here is Rachel clearing our table - was lovely to spend some time with her as have been friends for 2 years now - and I even managed to save her a train ride home.

I know my photos are lousy in comparison to others but it was such a wonderful weekend that I just never thought to get my camera out of my bag until late on Sunday afternoon. My apologies to those I wanted to take a picture of (which to be honest is all of you at the retreat) and didn't - hopefully next time (that's a hint to Sarah and Lianne xxx)

My daughter the footballer

2010-03-09T22:48:00.000Z

Thought I would put a little something nice on here that isn't scrapping - this is a picture of my darling daughter (far right) with her team mates who all play for the Amazones. She has just joined them and is loving every minute. The gentleman on the far right is the kit sponsor. She has played in a couple of games and surprisingly is quite good - or so I am told as so far I haven't managed to get to a game due to work commitments or being away on a retreat!!!!! Having stood at many a match for my eldest, I am looking forward (I think) to standing by the side of a pitch once again cheering on the team

A wonderful time

2010-03-07T23:14:00.002Z

It seems like such a long time since I blogged about anything nice, but hopefully this entry will be the start of many nice things.

The year so far has been better than expected - and although there have been some ups and down we are all doing ok.

This weekend I have been on the Sarah's Cards Retreat and what a retreat. From the minutes I set off from Leeds on Friday morning to the moment I got home I have had a ball. Ok, I admit in all my excitement I arrived far too early but the pleasure of sitting in the foyer of the hotel and watching the world go by and the people arrive was well worth it.

The whole weekend was amazing from the new faces I met, to the old friends that were there - from the welcome from the team and the goody bags, to the classes and the make and takes. From the laughter to the tears, from the new friends made to the old friends who will continue to be there.

This experience has been awesome. I have met so many people who knew my story and have shared it through UKS and this blog and I have met so many people who didn't but who cared about it when they heard. I have laughed with my new friends and with my old ones and many of us shared tears of both laughter and sadness over our life stories.

Yet with all this going on I have learnt so much from those teaching (and their wonderful helpers). I have learnt that it really is ok to tear and scrunch paper, that you ink every edge LOL, that you can do 8.5 x 11 LO's and they really are amazing too. I have worked wth acrylic albums and made mini books that go on to your LO, I have cut, folded, distressed, painted, added embellishments, layered and even added a butterfly or two to a LO (thank you Rachael Elliot LOL). I have been told that I look younger than my photo by more than one person but most of all I hopefully have made friends with so many and hopefully for a long time.

I have managed to do 14 LO's - some of my own too which I am incredibly impressed with and will upload hopefully tomorrow. The lessons taught were so inspiring and the fact that the instructions were clear and consise made all the difference. The bonus of having the teachers on hand after the lessons whilst you completed the LO's meant that you never felt out of your depth and from the bottom of my heart I thank the organisers, Sarah and Lianne and all the DT at Sarah's Cards for their friendliness and helpfulness and I hope that I can use your inspiration to continue to produce LOs that may, one day, be as beautiful as yours.

However, the ladies that attended the "conference" (and I haven't a clue what the staff at the hotel made of us all LOL) made the experience whole. I have met so many of those I have spoken to on UKS, I have met some of those who have supported me through the past 18 months, I have met ladies who were a total inspiration and I have hopefully made some new friends.

All the ladies were warm and welcoming but I have to mention some very special ones who made the weekend what it was (and this excludes the list of all the DT because they are automatically included).

Chloe - how lovely to meet you and how lovely to share the experience of driving round and round the Manchester Airport short stay car park - I really did think we were going to spend the weekend there.

Gwyneth - well what can I say - you are such a wonderful lady who I am so grateful to for your continued friendship - but to meet you IRL was a joy - you made me laugh so many times, not at you but with you and I hope your first experience of speed scrapping wasn't too bad - you are a true inspiration and I can honestly say I love you sooo much.

SamG - you have made me laugh and cry - you are such a warm and funny lady and I am so grateful we had you on our table all weekend and we shared our classes - love you too hun.

JulieM and Scrappydog (Helen) - well what can I say - you made me laugh and laugh. You are two of the warmest, kindest, most wonderful ladies and it was such a pleasure to be in your company. Helen, I hope your back op goes well and you are on your feet quickly again and back to your scrapping. I just want to bundle you both up and bring you home wth me because you truly make me smile. I hope we see each other again soon xxxx

Tara - you were lovely to meet, you made us laugh and I think you have a wonderful husband and family - remember you are the parent and you know we are always here for you.

Jane and Denise - well what can I say - Jane, you know how I feel about you and it hasn't changed, and Denise - you are as lovely as Jane says and I felt from the start that I knew you and you were just as wonderful as I thought you'd be.

Trina - how funny that we didn't know each other was going - next time TELL ME and I'll take you over you daft so and so - hope you are feeling better soon hun xxxx

Rachel (W) - so lovely to actually spend some time with you - remember you are a talented young lady and deserve to be where you are - don't forget the promise of a shopping trip xxxx

To all the other ladies I met, far too many to mention - you are all stars.

However my special thanks has to go to Alison - there is noone I would rather share a room with, no one I would rather share a weekend with and no one who makes me laugh as much as you do - you are such a special lady and I am so thankful you are my friend - love you babe xxxx

So now it's 11.30pm, I am knackered and the washing machine has finally finished so I am off to put my washing in the dryer so the kids have uniforms for tomorrow and I am off to bed.

But before I finish there are three special people who deserve a thank you and that is my amazing kids - not only did they make me go away but they looked after themselves whilst I did it - they kept the house tidy - the didn't fall out too many times and without them I wouldn't be who I am - so Jamie, Alex and Gemma - I LOVE YOU ALL TO THE STARS AND BACK AGAIN.

I promise to blog my LO's tomorrow but from me, goodnight xxxxx

Welcome 2010

2010-01-01T11:47:00.002Z

I suppose today is a time when people reflect on the past year, and that is no exception for me.

We have had some good times and some bad times but most importantly, with the help of some wonderful family and friends we have got through it.

We spend last night with dear friends exactly as we did last year. It was quiet but good to be with people who didn't expect me to be the life and the soul of the party and we were able to have more a giggle this year than last.

So what does 2010 have in store for us all? I suppose that is the million dollar question and one you just dont know the answer to. I hope for us all it brings love, laughter, health and happiness but for the kids I also hope it brings some peace.

Jamie, my darling eldest has a huge year ahead of him, with A levels, hopefully starting university (Sheffield) and watching his beloved Leeds United actually do well in the league and possibly the various cups they are involved in. I hope he finds someone to share all this with, someone who cares for him but at only 18 I mostly hope he is able to have fun with life.

Alex, my little boy, who isn't a little boy and is growing up and turning into a man right in front of my eyes. For him I hope he manages to cope with his GCSE's, gets to go to Israel in the summer and has an amazing time and hopefully will start sixth form. I hope his friends stick by him and he is able to make new ones and that he will start to have the life he so wants.

And as for my baby, Gemma, she has so much to look forward to with starting high school in september. I hope during the next few months when they have taster days there, she has a great time, I hope the two girls giving her a hard time at school leave her alone to enjoy the last few months of primary so that her memories are good ones, I hope she lets go of some of the anger about her daddy and starts to progress forward and I hope she copes with her Sats.

As for me, my greatest wish is to get through May, June and July with all the exams in the house without killing any or all of my kids LOL - but I hope that this year I can start to get some order in my life and start to find ways to fill the huge time I sit thinking about Stew. I hope that he carries on being part of my life and walking by my side and letting me know he is still there, I hope that I find time to scrap, time to spend time with my friends and family and generally get through the year - maybe finding some peace in my heart along the way.

For all my family and friends, and those of them with sick relatives and friends, I hope this year is a good one, that those who are unwell get better.

I hope that a cure for Cancer is found, although it will be too late for us there are dear members of our community who need this more than ever. I hope that I can continue to raise money for both Cancer Research and St Gemma's so that they are both there when needed.

Now that I have had a deep and meaningful post, I want to finish with this.

Although I may have been unlucky to have lost my darling husband, I am still the luckiest person alive. I have three wonderful, gorgeous, healthy children, parents that are amazing (even if mum has forgotten I am an adult LOL), an amazing brother, sister, brother in law, sister in law and nieces and the most unbelievable friends - both here in Leeds with me and on UKS - without any of them I wouldn't have made it through the past 12 months and I hope that I can be as good a friend to them as they have been to me. May this year bring peace and happiness to all.

A day to remember and a competition

2009-11-28T23:45:00.002Z

This week has been great because I got to go and be pampered after the fun and games of having the new dining room fitted out. Debra and I went to Manchester to have a photography session and we were treated to a facial and hand massage to start with followed by some fun photos. It was a great day which we finished off by walking round the german christmas market in the centre of Manchester. To be honest we didnt mean to, but we stumbled upon it whilst looking for a restaurant and had a lovely time.

Once the picture we ordered arrives I will upload it because I think it is the nicest one of me in a long time.

However, today my fun continued and I went to the LPD crop - it was a great day with some great ladies and I managed to do lots but the most important thing I completed was my entry into sarah's card's blog competition

This was a picture I have been waiting to scrap for a long time and the new kit was ideal - I even managed to use some ribbon brads I have had since I started crafting which I found during my clear out :)

Right as it's late my other pictures will have to be added during the week.

A new room?

2009-11-28T23:36:00.002Z

Well, not exactly a new room but certainly a better one.

It was firstly cleared out and looked like this

and then the workmen (Chris and Paul) started work and here is where the funny thing started - Paul who works with Chris knew Stewart - they were at electrical college together and had been really good friends helping each other through the course - they had lost touch but it was so comforting to know that someone Stewart talked about and trusted was working in our home - he is a lovely guy and said some lovely things about Stewart - it was as though it was meant to be.

And here it is finished - everything has fitted into the cupboards and when I have recovered from the moving stuff around the house and cleaning I will try and get some semblence of order in the cupboards but I am so happy with it - it is a joy to work and be able to leave stuff on the tops without having to clear it up for dinner or for fear of Boo eating it

Cyber crop fun

2009-11-15T15:22:00.003Z

Well, I'm back scrapping and have had an absolute ball this weekend.

The wonderful UKS team have set up a cyber-crop and the theme this year is Wizard of Oz. I was put in the Scarecrow team - nothing like knowing your place is there - haven't had a brain in over a year so the right team to be sure.

There have been challenges and classes and you take part in as much or as little as you want - well having had the kids backing that this weekend would be my weekend, I got stuck in on Friday night and have only just finished. I attended the Paper Dolls crop yesterday so managed to do some of the LO's there with other paper dolls who were taking part.

Below are some of the results of my efforts.

a mini album designed by Voodoo Vixen

this was a challenge to sew on a layout showing an achievement

this was a class by tamiwha - which was great and although I didnt finish in time to collect the points I just loved the LO

This is a challenge to make a "sparkly" title, an embellished journalling tag and a border and the last challenge of the crop was to use all three on a layout.

This was the travel challenge and used a paper sketch which I've never done before - I thought the journey the kids have made from being three children in primary/nursery school to young adults deserved to be remembered.

I am absolutely shattered but have had an absolute ball.

Right, I now need to go and be a mother again and to continue packing all my craft stuff into boxes as I have sold my craft box and am having fitting units in the dining room - I am very excited about it but hope that in 2 weeks it will be over and done with and I will be back to normal and have a tidy house. Gemma is off for a week to Buckden with school in 10 days and I hope I manage to get everything sorted for her in time - I am sure she will have a wonderful time with her friends and gain some self confidence.

Right off to do the washing/ironing and some cooking.

So Long, Farewell .......................

2009-10-30T00:12:00.003Z

and if I could spell auf Wiedersehen I would have added that to the title.

I think tonight's post is my final post before returning to my scrapping, although no doubt my everyday feelings will come into the blog but I want to turn a corner and I think this might be the moment.

So much has happened in the last few weeks that I think this could turn into an epic posting, so my apologies for anyone who is reading this but I hope that by the end of it you will understand why.

I would firstly like to re-iterate something I have written on many occasions throughout this blog and that is my gratitude to those of you who have followed my story. Many of you have taken time to either leave a comment of here, post on UKS, send me emails or private messages or in some cases all of the above. Your constant support over the past 14 months have given me strength at times when i couldn't see the wood for the trees. There have been many nights when I have taken the time to re-read your comments that I have realised that although those 14 months have been horrific, there has been some good come out of it and your friendship has been one of those things.

I knew I wouldn't be able to face posting this blog for a while and it is only now that I truly believe I can do justice to my final chapter on this story, for although the story will go on continuing, it is time to stop looking back and to look forward.

Over the past few weeks we have finally conquered the last of the obvious firsts that we knew we had to face.

We faced the first Jewish new year without Stew, something that was very poignant because one of his last wishes that we were able to fulfil for him was last year when we took him in a wheelchair to the synagogue on the first day of the Jewish New Year. He only managed an hour there, but to sit upstairs (as we ladies do) and look down on my darling husband, my two wonderful sons and my daddy all sat together, it was a moment that I knew I had to keep in my head and my heart forever because I knew it was the last time. So this year I bottled out of going to the synagogue because I knew it would be too hard, but my wonderful boys went and although difficult they did it.

We also got throught the Day of Atonement, the day it is said when god decides who should live and who should die during the next year. Last year I wasn't there because by that point Stew was back in the hospice and we knew we didn't have long. This year I faced it and went to the synagogue. I am not sure how much I still believe, in that such a good man wasn't given another year but who am I to judge? I only hope our prayers this year will be heard and we will all have a happy and a healthy year along with all our friends and family, no matter what religion they are.

We then had the Jewish Anniversary which is traumatic because it means the boys, once again having finished saying the memorial prayer every day for 11 months, had to go back to the synagogue and say it, side by side again. We lit a special candle which I thought wouldn't be difficult but it was so hard to do and had so much meaning. But we survived it.

I do believe that it is easier to face the anniversarys that you have to face than the days where you wake up surrounded by a black mist because you are prepared for them.

We were then lucky enough to go to Tenerife for a week with our dear friends Debra, Malcolm, Paige and Joff. The trip and first few days were stressful and fraught with tension as we all had to adjust to it being just four of us. Jamie found it hard and we battled through the first days but I think, somewhere in those heated arguments, we found an understanding of each other that we hadn't had before. The holiday was just what was needed, even if a little hot - 111 degrees on one of the days, but at least it ensured that we sat by the pool and relaxed - it was too hot to do anything else.

We came home the day before the anniversary of losing Stew and we had decided we would wait to see how we felt before making plans. And I think we were right to do that as we spent the day quietly together, sometimes in our own thoughts, sometimes laughing but we didn't make to much of it.

On October 18th my wonderful boys led a sponsored walk, the Stewart Rudette Anniversary Walk, with 37 men and boys round our local reservoir. Some ran, some walked, some brought their kids, some brought their dogs but these wonderful men raised money for St Gemma's hospice and along with other friends who couldn't make it, who went out and raised money, it looks like we have raised over £5000 - we are waiting for the final total, but to say that I am proud is an understatement. We will have raised over £11,000 in Stewart's memory and I truly believe that we have turned the negative into a positive. Our fundraising isn't over, we will continue but it really has given us all things to focus on and given back to those who helped us.

So we have done it all, well not all as there will be all those special occasions that are bound to happen that Stew would have been proud to be there for, but we have got through that first year, still intact as a family although I have to admit there were times I wasn't sure we were going to get there. We're not over it, we're not through the tough times totally but we have survived so far and I am incredibly proud of not only myself but my amazing kids without whom I wouldn't have lasted a day.

Although I have found some inner peace now we are over the year, in that I can't say - this time last year daddy........................ which in some ways makes it easier to get on with life, the pain and the heartache are still with me but those that told me you learn to live with the pain are right, it isn't easy and there are tough times but you do have more good days than bad and the bad ones might not be as terrible as they were. I am not over losing Stew and possibly never will be. I have lost my best friend, my heart and my soulmate but I do know that he is sat right behind me as I type this and although I long to feel his arms round me properly one more time, to feel the safety I felt in his arms, to feel his lips kissing me again, I know that when the time comes for me to go, he will be there waiting for me. I have no fear of dying but I also know I am not ready for it and won't be for a long time.

I can sit here and look back at how far we have all come. I always knew I was a strong willed and bolshy lady, but I never knew how strong I could be. I am a survivor.

I have managed to go back to work, run the house, feed and clothe the kids, make all the invitations I have been asked to do and now, as things on the invitation front quieten for a while, it is time for me to have some Susy time and time with my family.

I know that I am ready to return to my scrapbooking, something that at the beginning gave me a focus but during the last few months was something, if I am honest to myself, was too painful to do. So many of our memories need to be put into the scrapbook, yet so many of the photos to scrap are since we lost Stew and it felt wrong to scrapbook memories that occured without him.

I have survived threats of repossesion of the house, I have survived working through one of the most difficult periods of working life and stayed strong and focused and not let others push me out, I have been able to love and adore my children for the two of us and most important of all I have managed to keep Stewart alive for us all, in memories and stories that we regularly share. He will never be far away, I only have to look at the kids to see him every day and knowing that gives me the strength to say so long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye to the hardest blog I could have written. This has truly been a life saver and as I now start the next chapter of my life, I hope to share the happy times with you all.

God bless to you all - may you have health, happiness, peace and love in you lives forever.

Can I be cheeky

2009-09-06T22:51:00.001+01:00

Ok, I wasn't going to blog until the next few weeks are over but I think this deserves a plug.

For those of you that have been kind enough to continue to follow my blog (although it must be the most depressing read of your life) I would like to ask a huge favour.

Along with myself, Jamie and Alex have helped organise the Stewart Rudette Anniversary Walk which is a men's walk in aid of St Gemma's hospice, the hospice that Stewart was in. This place is the most amazing place, with people who cared brilliantly, not just for Stewart but for all of us and all of our families and friends. They gave 24 care to us all and most of all gave us the opportunity to be with Stewart to the end, in pleasant surroundings, knowing that he was being looked after to the best of everyone's ability. And what did that cost us, nothing, not a penny. They are funded solely by donations and we would like to pay back what it cost them to look after Stew, £5000. So with help from St Gemma's we are holding a walk on October 18th (well you can run it if you want to) with two lengths of walk, 4 miles and 8 miles. We have so far got 30 people taking part but are looking to get 100 which seems to be a tall order but we will keep trying. The thing is what we need alongside the men for the walk is sponsorship and this is where you come in. Please, if at all possible, could I ask you to sponsor the boys, whether it be £1, £5, £10 or more if you can. Every penny counts and goes towards the care of patients. Their website is http://www.justgiving.com/JamieandAlexRudette and if you can donate, I would be even more eternally grateful for your support than I already am.

Well, I am sat here, knowing I should be in bed but with so many thoughts going through my head. Gemma goes into Year 6 tomorrow and I am so proud of her but know that if Stewart would have been here we would have spent this evening reminiscing about her, just like we did when the boys moved to their last year of primary. It makes me realise how much is missing from my life. On Wednesday, the headstone is being put up and we are going in the evening to see it - that in itself is daunting and with Sunday being the consecration of the headstone I just feel like getting in my car and going as far away as possible. It's funny but I am more anxious and upset about this than anything else we have faced. Maybe because it means we are coming to the end of the mourning period (well the official end), maybe it is hitting home how real this is, maybe it's because it is tied in with the anniversary's that are coming up, maybe it's just because. I don't know, all I know is that although on the outside I am getting on with it, inside my heart is aching, my stomach is in knots and I just want to hide away from the world. Not a good feeling when I am back at work tomorrow LOL

However, I do have to say that I am so proud of Jamie (yes, again!!). He has been looking for a job (not totally wholeheartedly if I am honest) and took his cv round some local clubs and shops. Well he got an interview, got a second interview and got the job. The only downside is the hours, its 9pm till early hours (well not that early actually - between 2.30am and 6am finishes depending on the day!!) and although I know this will give him independence and may free up some of my money LOL, I am concerned about his school work. I have told him if that suffers at all then the job stops but he is so enjoying it that I hope it won't be a problem. He has worked out the days to work round his school timetable so hopefully that means he won't be too tired when he is there and will keep up and pass his A Levels. We will have to watch this space for the outcome.

Right, I am heading to bed as this week is going to be a very long one. My boys would laugh at that and say it is the same length as every other week but you know what I mean. Work will be hectic trying to catch up on everything whilst I have been away because of course none of my work has been done, but at least it keeps me out of mischief.

Hope you are all well.

And August wasn't much better

2009-08-25T17:03:00.002+01:00

Well after a hard July, August started off ok but then I got "swine flu" - well I got flu - who knows if it was the oinky kind but boy was I ill - which then got worse cos I got a chest infection. The only light on the horizon was Jamie getting his AS results - he got 2 B's and a C - which weren't far off A's (far too confusing LOL) so he will try and increase those when goes back to school to A's.

To top it off an acquaintance lost her husband aged 32 - how awful is life today - the dreaded cancer beat us again and to see her suffer like I did makes me feel so helpless. What is worse is that you would think I would know what to say to her, but I didn't - useless aren't I.

I am still getting better from my illness but have a tough 6 weeks ahead.

It starts on the 2nd when both the boys stop saying Kaddish which is the prayer they have said daily since their dad died. Ironically, it conicides with it being exactly a year to the day since Stew was diagnosed with cancer.

We then have the consecration of the headstone on September 13th, and I am really struggling with dealing with that. The thought of seeing a headstone on the grave is awful and I am dreading seeing it for the first time. We then have the Jewish New Year to get through which again I am dreading because Stew was here last year and he made is final brave visit to the Synagogue on the first day of the new year - this then is followed up by the Day of Atonement a week later and that was the day that we were inundated with visitors but I knew the time we had was limited. On September 29th we have the Jewish Anniversary of his death which obviously is going to be tough. We then go into October where we are going away for a week which is great but again has tinges of sadness that he isn't with us to do my head in with passports and packing and teasing me counting the bags. We are back in time for the 11th which is the anniversary of his death - and then the week after is the walk for the hospice.

I just know that I need to get through these next 6 weeks and then maybe just maybe we can start putting our lives back together but that in itself a daunting thought.

So this was a brief but miserable post wasn't it - maybe when I get back in 6 weeks I will be able to have a more positive outlook on life.

Its tough but you gotta get on with it

2009-07-31T01:06:00.002+01:00

So what a month July has been. Work has been difficult as my work colleague lost her grandma who she was very close to and obviously is very upset. I am not much help to her and i know she must find it hard to talk to me about it which is difficult for me as i would love to help her. I have started having migraines again which are being brought on by stress, along with palpitations, dizziness and tiredness. The doctors think its just stress but i am undergoing tests just to be sure - the difficulty is that i can't really tell anyone other than my best friend because i don't want to worry my mum and dad or the kids. It's just another time that i realise how much i miss talking to Stewart. I realise that that offload time when we both came in from work and talked about our days, however mundane was a real stress reliever and without it i am really struggling. I have had a difficult week with the bank starting to hassle me over increasing my payments (that they set at a low rate) to them to pay back the unsecured business loan stew took out, but i was joint signatory. They are threatening to get a charge on the house and I don't know whether just to let them do it, or whether they are allowed to do it. Looks like i will be taking some advice on that but its another worry i just don't need.

However i have had two lovely things happen to me over the last 7 days.

The first is i visited my friend who happens to also be a medium. I went for a hearing and boy did Stewart come through. He couldn't stop chatting and she hit on so many things that she couldn't possible have known. Things about both stew and I that are impossible to know that it is frightening. She even told me that i had a friend who was heavily linked to barry manilow - that will be Fi who is a regular there and one of Stews favourite people - and the last person to be with him and me before he died. How strange was that. There were funny moments, touching moments, and heartwarming moments and I think I have gained a little comfort from knowing he is around even if I can't get to talk and touch him. What I wouldn't give for a cuddle off him right now, and a kiss on the top of my head that he always gave me when he walked by. I realise how much I miss him, it isn't getting easier but I know that i will learn to walk alongside the pain, there isn't any way other than that even though there have been times in the last few weeks that I could have curled up into a ball and given up. My kids are my life savers. However bad i feel, I look at them and know i can't give up for their sakes. They are so like their dad. Each of them has a little bit (in some cases a lot) of him in them. Jamie speaks like him and has his sense of humour and knows exactly where he was coming from. Alex is inquisitive and loves cooking just like him and gemma, well poor kid, she is the image of him and every time i look at her Stewart looks back. How can I give up on them?

The other amazing thing to happen is that the charity walk we are arranging in memory of stew to raise money for the hospice he was in has gone live. It is official. The Stewart Rudette Anniversary Walk for men will be held on October 18th 2009, 1 year and 1 day after he died. The link for the walk is http://www.st-gemma.co.uk/forthcoming/stewartr09.htm - the wording is beautiful and i have even been allowed to add a message from us to those taking place. I would love 100 men to take part, more would be better and i would love to raise £5000, the cost of the care given to Stewart whilst he was in. It was a bittersweet moment but I know that by keeping his memory alive and raising money for a wonderful cause will give us the strength to carry on.

The next few months are going to test us all. We have the consecration of the headstone in September along with the Jewish New Year. It will be hard to be there on the first day as that was the last time Stew went out in public. Last year he was so determined to be in the synagogue for even a short while that I picked him up from the hospice and took him in a wheelchair. We only lasted an hour but I am so pleased to have had the memory of him, Jamie, Alex and my dad sat together one last time. We then face the jewish anniversary of his death (we have a seperate calendar as we go on the lunar calendar as opposed to the english calendar which is by the sun) followed by the anniversary of his death. To help us through that, we have booked a holiday between those two dates in the hope that although we have to get through those days, some sunshine and relaxation in between will bring a little light relief. We are going with my best friend, her husband and kids and although her youngest and gemma don't know we are actually going together yet (they will drive us mad if they did) we are looking forward to it.

I hope that this year will be over and things will start to brighten for us. I know the pain won't go but I also know that once the year is up we have to start living again. Stewart wouldn't want us to be down forever and we must start to look to the future. We will remember him every day, we will miss him every minute of every day but we must make sure we don't waste the lives we have - he wouldn't want that - he believed in living life to the full and in his memory I am going to ensure that the kids live their lives and their dreams and carry on the dream he had for them - to be happy, to be healthy and to have fun - life is too short to waste.

what a weekend

2009-07-06T00:10:00.002+01:00

Well what a few weeks it has been but this weekend has been especially amazing.

My best friend's daughter had her bat mitzvah - the equivalent of a boys bar mitzvah - coming of age and to be part of their special occasion has caused more than a few tears from me - for all the right reasons. I have been heavily involved in the preparations, making the invitations, table plan etc and helping Debra choose her outfits which has meant that I have felt like one of the family, I even ended up washing up after afternoon tea/dinner on the saturday night. Paige was magnificent, looked spectacular all weekend and did her mum and dad proud. Her Dvar Torah (talk) on saturday in the synagogue in front of near on 300 people was amazing, clear and brilliantly delivered and I felt so proud to see that little girl so grown up. The afternoon tea today was amazing too and listening to her give her speech was wonderful, even though I was exceptionally nervous as I had written it with her LOL.

But to add to the amazing weekend was the fact that I took part in the Race for Life at Temple Newsam in Leeds. Not long after Stewart died, Gemma suggested that we should once again take part in this amazing event. Well not to do things by half, I thought what if I got a few friends to join in. Well, those few friends turned into 68 wonderful ladies and young girls - gemma's friends, who met with us sporting tshirts with Stewart's name on the back. Everyone bought their own tshirt and thanks goes to the wonderful printers, screenmachine, who charged very little for the tshirt and printing. he even did special ones for Gemma and I. I had expected about 40 people to join me, but no, 68 of them came with another 5 in the afternoon event. I was overwhelmed by the wonderful support of everyone but to see Gemma's friends join with us and do this fantastic walk/run was amazing. The walk was hard, with some exceptionally difficult hills but we took it steady and I am so proud of gemma for doing the whole 5K without moaning (well only a couple of times).

On the walk I found myself meeting some lovely people too but the greatest surprise was when an arm when round me and I looked to find one of Stewart's consultants. She had seen the tshirts and was very moved by the number she had seen, and she was only seeing a small percent of them. She had spotted me and came for a chat which was lovely, and without realising it she helped me answer some of the questions I had had. I now realise that what Stewart had was exceptionally rare and he was exceptionally unlucky and NO ONE could have changed the outcome. In some ways this has given me more peace than anything else.

To come round the last corner to find friends and family who had already completed the race or were there to support us was amazing as were those at the finishing line cheering us on. Gemma and I went through the finish holding hands and I have to say to see her beaming face as we finished, was the last straw and i broke down. The emotions of the day getting the better of me.

What surprised me most was the response of our friends supporting us and those taking part with us - they all said how incredible it had been to do it (some of them having done it for many years) and that it had had so much meaning but that also they thought so much of me for organising out group - no mean feat to get 60+ women organised, I can tell you. Yet, I don't think I am incredible, for me it is them that are incredible. You see I lost Stewart and I want to desperately find the cure for cancer - which I personally can't so all I can do is raise as much money as possible to help Cancer Research. It is those women and the kids that turned up having been sponsored to support me that are amazing and incredible. It is them that took time out of their busy lives to be by gemma and my side. It is them that walked the 5K with me. It is them you see at the top of the page (well most of them, my organisation isn't that good LOL). They are the incredible ones, more so because I decided to set a silly target of £5000 between us. And do you know what - they did it - and more. We are waiting for a final figure but I am so proud to have these people as my friends and colleagues. They truly are an amazing group.

I must also mention the fact that although they all ran for Stewart, each and everyone there ran for family and friends lost through this awful disease, and one special young lady was remembered more than any other amongst us. Kitty Doerfler, who died aged 18 months after fighting Leukemia from birth. I was honoured to walk alongside her Mum, Sarah, today - someone who came into my life since I lost Stewart but who has become a best friend. She is an amazing lady, strong, brave, courageous, funny, loving and warm - Sarah I admire you for everything you do and Kitty would have been proud of you today, I know how hard it was to walk with us all when we had our daughters there but I promise you, Kitty was by your side today as she is every day, smiling down on you.

After all this, my feet hurt, I am absolutely drained emotionally and physically but I am also exceptionally proud, not just of everyone round us and of Gemma but of myself because I did this, I made it happen and I have managed to succeed at turning the negative into a positive which was my goal. Now it's time to start organising, alongside St Gemma's Hospice, the mens walk - the Stewart Rudette Anniversary Walk which will be held on October 18th. And I will be challenging the men to beat the ladies fundraising :)

Good night to everyone and god bless you all, so many of my UKS friends have taken the time to support me through this and sponsor me - I couldn't have done it without you.

Miss you Stewart every second of every day but I hope today Gemma and I did you proud xxxxx

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-20T23:52:00.003+01:00

Happy Father's Day Stew. We never really made a big deal of it but it does seem odd to have it going on without you. I know the kids are very aware of it and I am not mentioning it unless they do. Gemma has asked to go up to see you and I hope that Jamie is home from his weekend away in time to take her. I have done ok but then I popped out to get milk and bread tonight from the Co-Op and there was a display of father's day presents. It wasn't that that got to me, but the huge bar of toblerone sat on the display. You see, every year for father's day I'd buy him a big bar of toblerone and every year it would sit in the cupboard till I ate it and then Stew would ask where it had gone. For some reason seeing this bar tonight just really hit home and I stood there with tears pouring down my face. The cashier wasn't sure what to do so I paid rather quickly and came home.

In some ways getting over tomorrow will be good because we can have a break until september with no obvious "dates" coming up and although September and October are going to be awful, we will get through it.

I am more worried about afterwards when life, as they say, returns to normal with no first to get through. Who is going to be there for me when things are tough, who is going to change the light bulb that's too high up for me, who is going to hold my hand when we have sats, gcse's and alevels going on in the house at the same time, who is going to cuddle me again and make me feel like I am in the safest place in the world. I suppose I will get used to being on my own, which, even with three very noisy, very boisterous and very wonderful children I am. Even with all the wonderful family and friends I have, i am on my own. And that is what I am scared of. But I know he had faith that I could do it and it is only that that will get me through. I know he is close by just not close enough to touch. Sometimes from nowhere I can smell his aftershave or feel a kiss on my head and it's then that I know that however alone I am, I am not. He will always be with me, by my side and I have to gain strength from that.

I am going away at the weekend without the kids which will be nice and I just hope I can put my grief and feelings away for 3 days and have a real good laugh. I should be able to based on the fact I am going away with a load of loonies (in the nicest possible way) - the LPD's and if it is half as good as last year we are in for a weekend of giggling. I can't wait to see Lynn who I haven't seen since last year and the thought of scrapping, eating, drinking, staying our PJ's is a wonderful combination so as long as I can get myself organised in time I'll be fine. I've packed my scrapping stuff but now need to sort the kids out to have food in, do all the washing etc, tidy the house, pack Gemma to go to her grandparents, pack Jamie for his holiday which he leaves for the day after I get back (2 weeks with his mates - OMG be warned tenerife LOL), and work at my day job and sort out all the invites I've promised to do as well. It will be a hectic week but at least the weekend will come faster - lets just hope I don't sleep through it all LOL

Many thanks once again for following me and I hope I haven't caused too many tears (sorry especially to Eileen and Karen xxxxx)

Where does the time go?

2009-06-07T00:07:00.002+01:00

Well what can I say except HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE. Yes, today is my darling eldest son's 18th birthday and I have to say he is an amazing young man. Without him the past months would have been unbearable. He has been amazingly strong for me and kept me going through my darkest hours, so I was determined to make today as special as it could be.

Last night at about 11pm he had a bit of a wobble, he looked awful and it was obvious that he was upset. He headed out for a drive and I knew he had gone to the local airport, where his dad and he would go when he was little and by the time he was back he was looking better. At the stroke of midnight we shared a few minutes together just contemplating our life and he told me he had also been to our local Sainsbury's car park. Last year at midnight I took him out for his first ever drive and we drove, very slowly, round and round the carpark. So last night he drove it in reverse. When I asked him why, he said that things had started to go wrong just after his birthday and he thought by going in reverse he mght reverse our bad luck. There isn't much you can say to that is there?

I also decided to give him an album I had made for him.

In January 2008 I decided that having seen all the Leeds Paper Dolls make amazing layouts etc, that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to do and if nothing else, I would scrapbook an album for Jamie's 18th. I had 18 months to do it and reckoned on 1 layout a month at the crop. However, I didn't realise I would get so hooked on it. Stewart and I chose the photo's together and the sentiments that went with them and every page was shown to Stewart when it was finished. I am so grateful that I had completed the album before he died, with the exception of the letter to go in the back, and that I could honestly say to Jamie that this was a present from his dad and I. There were a tears, but I am pleased because Jamie keeps everything inside and I hoped that having some release last night he could enjoy today. And I think he did. We had an afternoon tea for the family and close friends and about 50 people came, less than planned, but they filled the house. It was a lovely atmosphere and Jamie loved being the centre of attention. However, more importantly, it showed him that even without his dad he can smile and enjoy himself and that all these people genuinly loved him for what he is.

I have to thank Sarah and Fiona (and Mark) for coming in and helping me prepare and calm me down in my panic that I haven't enough food, it won't be ready in time etc and another set of thanks to Debra and Malcolm for helping me clear up. A special thanks goes to Debra for helping for shop for an outfit at 5pm on friday LOL - I am incredibly lucky to have so many amazing wonderful and dear friends without whom my life would be even harder.

Tonight was topped off by Jamie taking me and his eldest cousin to the pub for a drink (well a legal drink) and how disappointed was he that they didn't ask him for his ID!!!! Typical eh!!

I am incredibly proud of myself too as I didn't shed many tears today and held it together, but tonight I know that when I go to bed and have my nightly chat with Stew,they will come but that's ok - that's what bedtime is for.

Stew would have been (or should I say is) so incredibly proud of the young man our son has become. Like many parents you muddle through and hope you are doing things right. Well I am so pleased to say that we did get it right and we have a caring, loving, thoughtful and fun young man in our family who I can only wish the best for for the rest of his life because if anyone deserves it - he does.

I will sign off now because my feet are throbbing (high heeled boots from 9am to 7pm is not good), my back aches (moving furniture, food preparation and those darned high heeled boots again LOL) and I am shattered so I will make a hot water bottle for my back and head for hopefully a peaceful nights sleep, knowing that another huge tick has been put in another box and we have faced and survived a huge hurdle that I know both Jamie and I have been dreading.

Once again thanks to everyone who comments and continues to give me support and words of wisdom - you are all stars xxxxxx

Happy Anniversary

2009-05-13T22:55:00.003+01:00

Happy Anniversary Stewart. Today was our 19th wedding anniversary.

It was definately a day to remember for all the wrong reasons. I know the last 7 months have been hard but I think, except for the initial few days, today has certainly been the hardest. Even his birthday was easier. Maybe because today was OUR day it was hard but now at 11.30pm it's over and I can tick another box.

I went up to the cemetery and stayed the longest I have ever stayed, I think the sexton thought I'd taken up residence. I took him a single red rose so that he knows I haven't forgotten him and stayed and talked to him for about an hour. I don't think I've cried as much as I did today since he died.

I then spent this afternoon watching our wedding video, which was bittersweet. It was lovely to watch and as with all these types of video's, there are so many people who have passed away it is hard to watch, but obviously this time it was exceptionally hard to see stewart and stephen together. How sad to watch the wedding car with the groom, best man, usher and two dads pull up. That's 5 people who got out and three of them are no longer with us. Two of whom died far too early. It really made me think that everyday has to be something special.

I know that I have to pick myself up again and get myself back to where I was, beginning to feel that I had a little bit of my normal life back. It will be hard but we have my sister's silver wedding to look forward to this weekend and although it will be hard to celebrate that after this week, it is important that we do because without celebrations then life has no meaning.

I am starting to get a little more organised for Jamie's 18th, I am off to sort out the list properly for the afternoon tea (I think over 100 people in my house is a bit excessive) and the invites for his dinner have gone out. I need to sort out with the restaurant what we are having but at least his presents are sorted. I have his album I have made, I have paid for his holiday this summer and of course, there is is his dad's wedding ring which I need to have cleaned up for him. I hope it won't be too painful for him to have it.

Right off to bed as I want today over and done with so that tomorrow I hope I can wake up a little more positive.

So I will end by saying to Stewart - thank you for our wonderful marriage, our wonderful children and the wonderful memories you have left me. I miss you but I will have you in my heart every day of my life. Love you Stew xxxxx

why why why why why?

2009-05-11T22:00:00.002+01:00

Well I knew this week wasn't going to be the best weeks but by god I didn't expect it to be so crap so quickly.

I knew Wednesday, our anniversary, was going to be a difficult day and had taken the day off to mope around, I knew the run up wouldn't be good, I knew today would be hard as it is 7 months since I lost Stewart, but I didn't know that on arriving at work today, our first call would be a tragic funeral. More than that I didn't know it would be a tragic funeral of one of Stewart's friends.

Stephen was one of those people you either love or hate, and to be honest I think for a while after meeting him it was the latter, but to be honest he grew on me and I knew that he and Stewart had a good friendship. He was an usher at our wedding, and some four years later stewart was an usher for him too (for his first wedding). We kept in touch for a few years after that but over the years we lost touch - we used to bump into him at events and always chatted but then he remarried and seemed to move away from the community. This morning I learned that he is thought to have committed suicide yesterday. The emotions that brought were so strong. although I was at work, I couldnt help cry my way through the day. the community are all shocked, his family especially his mum, brother, sister, new wife and baby are devasted but I just felt totally helpless. It brought back so much of the pain of losing Stewart and I had the awful task of ringing the other friend from the trio, David, who has kept up his promise of looking after me by visiting me and chatting to me when he is up in Leeds and being there for me, to tell him of this tragedy. He was totally speechless and I don't honestly know how he must feel to lose two friends so quickly.

The funeral was very dignified and sad but I was lucky to be supported by some wonderful people. To be told by Stephen's mum that I was brave to be there and how much that meant, meant I had made the right decision to go, but I have to be honest, it has been an incredibly hard day for me.

I will sign off now as I am totally exhausted and I hope to post again on Wednesday.

Time to take a small step forward

2009-05-06T19:53:00.006+01:00

Ok, I think it's time I actually took a tentative step back to normality and actually put some scrapping on to my blog. It's been a long time coming and will be interspersed with my feelings about my life.

Today was the culmination of months of participating in a CJ. My good friend, Kirsty, set up a newbie CJ on UKS and talked me into being the first member so that I could experience a CJ. I joined along with 9 others and today we all received our own CJ's back - and here it is:

My page
Genevieve's page

Emma's page
Debbie's page

Catherine's page
Maxine's page
Toni's page
Elizabeth's page
Debby's page
Amy's page
Didn't they do an amazing job?

I have to say that along the way there have been some very personally turbulant times for us all with broken bones, loss of loved ones and various other situations but we have stuck together and finished off (albeit a little late) the CJ. I for one am delighted with mine and am very grateful to all the girls and Kirsty for being so wonderful and supportive of me during the hard months since stewart was ill etc. Without that I would have jacked it in and walked away - so thank you girls.

As for me, well today is a start of the future and I actually am beginning to feel a little bit more like myself. I know that I still have hard parts of the day, actually usually night time and first thing in the morning but I know that as long as I keep busy with either work, invitations, the kids or friends then I am doing ok. I can't say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but there are glimpses along the way that eventually I can start to live a "normal" life again.

I got the wording confirmed for the headstone today which was hard to see in black and white but again I know that it is the beginning of the end of the first year which will mean that we can start to move forward.

Jamie is starting to spring surprises work wise at school with expected A's (as long as he doesn't muck up his exams) which is amazing and his tennis is improving too which is a good way for him to get rid of his anger. Alex is just an amazing young man, he even cooked me dinner tonight totally by himself (ok, I gave instructions when he was stuck and it wasn't gourmet food but it was dinner) and he is beginning to open up to me about what is going on in his head. And Gemma, well tonight she has been so loving and warm that it is a major breakthrough. Although she still talks about missing her dad at every opportunity she is beginning to do so without constant tears and I hope that this is a start of better things for all the kids.

I will hopefully upload some of the LO's I have done over the past few months, some of which were painful to do and others a sheer joy but all of them have been theraputic.

6 long months

2009-04-13T19:16:00.002+01:00

Yep, we've hit the 6 month mark. In some ways it feels like forever since I held Stewart, since I talked to him, since I kissed him and in otherways it feels like only yesterday since I lost him.

To be honest, life is crap but i am getting used to living with the physical pain of losing stewart. It's just I know I am not dealing with it and that's scary. But there is so much going on with the kids, the house, finances, work etc that I don't have the time to give in to the overwhelming feelings that are bubbling away below the surface.

The kids are all having a particularly hard time at the moment. Jamie is just permanently bolshy and argumentative and a know all but I am not sure if that's his age or the grief and the age put together. He is a good kid at heart but he doesn't know how to deal with what has gone on anymore than I do. Alex is ok most of the time but every so often it all boils up to be too much for him and he goes into a melt down and gemma, who is actually having some bereavement counselling, is doing the best of us all, bless her. She's still a madam but then again she was a madam before all this so that won't change.

We overcome so many hurdles over the last week, the passover started and we got through that and obviously the 6 month anniversary was awful. I hid myself away at a crop - suppose I was running away from it and by being there I wasn't allowed to cry and could keep myself busy. To be honest I am not that impressed with the LO's I did but I think in the circumstances it was the best I could do.

I am not sure where we go from here, May is our anniversary which I am totally dreading, June is the boys birthday and I know I am going to have to be incredibly brave to get through them but especially Jamie's 18th. July and August are fairly free of hurdles and then we get to September when we have the stonesetting. Into October for the anniversary and then we start all over again. writing it down makes me realise how quickly the time goes and how little I am enjoying my life at the moment. Yes there are moments and even days which are fairly good and I can laugh again but I never truly feel the highs of happiness that you can get with life being good. My emotions seem very muted and I am learning to be a bloody good actress, you know the sort, smile on the face and get on with it. I am not sure what else to do.

Today it has really hit me how much I miss seeing the love in his eyes and how guilty I feel for not realising what we had whilst we could enjoy it. I struggle with these feelings, and so want to turn the clock back. we wasted so much time when he was alive with petty arguments and worries and all I want to do now is have one day to tell him all the things I've realised since he's gone.

I'd better not sit here too long otherwise my resolve will break down and I can't let that happen. I allow myself some "grieving" time when I go to bed but that doesn't make for a good nights sleep TBH but at the moment it's the best I can do.

Reading this back I sound so miserable yet I am getting on with the life I have been given. I do love being around people because I can feed off their positiveness and happiness, it is only when I am sat alone like now that I realise my true feelings.

On a brighter note I booked another retreat for next year and am looking forward to it and it looks that I might get a night away with my best friend in the next few weeks so we can shop for an outfit for her.

So it's time for me to take a deep breath, put that smile on my face and head back to life, I have made the decision to continue this blog until our year is up and then I will set up a new one full of the good things in life, like scrapbooking etc. Thank you once again for following my story.

It's been a while

2009-04-06T20:30:00.002+01:00

Sorry, I know it's been a while since I blogged, partly because I have been so incredibly busy and part because we are and have approached and dealt with so many firsts.

5 days after my birthday was stewarts and although the kids wanted the day off school, I felt it would be better to keep them busy and therefore at school. So the day before we visited stew taking with us balloons with notes from us all and some flowers. It isn't really the custom to take flowers but the kids really wanted to take something for his birthday and Gemma has had it in her head since Stew died that she wanted to do a balloon release so we tied these ideas together. Mind you, I am sure stew was laughing to himself watching me try and get helium balloons untangled and tied to the relevent wrist so they didn't blow away in a very strong wind. It was a surreal feeling walking down to the grave with 8 brightly coloured balloons but we managed it. However, because of the wind, the release was sort of different with the balloons floating off straight towards the motorway and with us shouting at them to go up. For a split second I thought we were going to cause a pile up on the M62.

However, it has helped us all I think, just a little bit.

stew's birthday was spent quietly - I had taken the day off so I went back to the grave by myself for some "me" time and then to visit the stonemason to sort out his headstone. Not what I thought I would be doing on a birthday, that's for certain. However, I have chosen the headstone and done the wording which was difficult to say the least. Without going into too much detail, the situation between his mum and I and the kids hasn't really changed from the 20 years I spent with stew but I know I want to do the right thing and have her and his brothers mentioned on the headstone. I think I have found the right compromise but to be honest, bollocks to her if she doesn't like it.

We then spent the evening with his aunt and uncle who made us dinner. It was a lovely evening where we laughed and cried together. They have been an amazing support to us over the last 7 months and I can't imagine life without them.

We also had mother's day, which to be honest we have never made a big deal out of so I worked that morning and then when the kids were all home Jamie gave me one card from them all. At first I was quite miffed he hadn't got a card each for them all but then realised that if I had had 3 cards, the one that was missing (stew's) would have been more obvious. So bless my son, for thinking like that.

Mum and dad returned from 3 weeks away and hopefully it has broken my wonderful mum's habit of ringing 4 times a day. well, actually it has broken it and now she forgets to ring me at all ....................... well sometimes LOL. I needed the break from them to try and show myself and them that I can manage on my own and that although i want them by my side, i need to stand on my own too feet.

Work has been manic with some difficulties and problems with the "bosses" but I think I have finally sorted it out, just not something I needed on top of everything. It has become difficult because although they have been amazing with their support with time off etc, it is now becoming standard to prefix any difficult work request with "we have been good to you so..........." which is more than irritating me. They have told me that I am being inconsistent in how I am in the office and that as I am front of house I must be cheerful and welcoming and always helpful no matter what. HELLO ................ do you think I may have a reason to be inconsistent, and with respect some people that come in just come in to annoy me and upset me so poo to them. It doesn't help when I get emails that are sent to try me and therefore wind me up - there is no need for it and I told them that this week and actually got an apology.

This weekend has been another wonderful but trying weekend. we had Stewart's cousins bar mitzvah (coming of age) and as it was the first "do" it was hard. I plastered a smile on my face for Saturday's event (something I am becoming very good at I must say) and got through that and then again through the party last night. My amazing sister, brother and their partners were amazing and got me through the night along with the kids and I even was persuaded to get up and dance. It wasnt the same without stew but we did it, another box ticked.

However, it has left Jamie and I on a real downer today. It has really hit us how much he would have loved to have been there so much part of a family occasion and that we missed his grumblings at dancing, the food and everything else. To top it all today, although I worked and was in a fairly bouyant mood to start with one of our elderly members came in to pay his bill and told me of his sorrow of losing his wife, the story of how they met and how much he misses her. I managed to hold it together whilst he was in the office but I blubbed when he left. Bless him, I don't think he realises that I have lost my husband too and that although he is only a year ahead of me, he had 60 years of memories. Half of me wanted to tell him how lucky he'd been and the other just wanted to run away and cry.

Now we have other boxes to tick. This week is Pesach, the passover, which is a huge family occasion and with lots of work to get the house ready for it. It means swapping all our pots, pans, crockery and cutlery over for 8 days and although the kids are great it really isn't their thing and it has been left to me to do the preparation. Even the shopping was incredibly hard as I kept picking up stuff that I have bought every year for 20 years and realising that I only ever bought it for Stew. I have 10 over for the first night meal and again I realise how much stew would get involved. He would help me cook, lay the table, move stuff around, carve the chickens, cut up the fruit for the platter and this year I will find it so hard to do without him. Tonight was the first night it has brought me to tears over it but I will have to dig deep and find a way to smile through the next 4 days.

To top it off Saturday will mark 6 months. I can't believe how quickly this half of the year has gone and how long I've been without him. The pain hasn't diminished at all, it's still there just under the surface waiting to come up and hit me at the most obscure moment. I miss him so much, yet sometimes I can't remember him and that hurts even more. I desperatly need to hear his voice, to talk to him, to hug him, to kiss him. I want to laugh with him and to shout at him but I can't do any of those things. I try and be positive and practical but at the moment I am having to shut off that side of my feelings otherwise I feel I will go into meltdown. Maybe once the year is up, the consecration of the headstone is completed and I can find a little time just for me to take this all in, I will be able to really grieve for him but at the moment I need to carry on being strong for the kids and ensure that their lives can go on.

On the positive side of things, I have booked to go on the Sarah's cards retreat next march. It took a lot of courage to press the "buy" button for the retreat, not because of the money as I can save for that, but to leave the kids and go away with total strangers (well ok, not total strangers because we all chat on UKS) is a huge thing. It's not too far away if I need to come back and although I have been offered a lift, I think, on this occasion I might drive myself just to be safe in the knowledge that if I need to come home I can. I am really excited about this and the LPD retreat in June but also very very nervous. It is going to be so hard not ringing Stew like I did last time I went away but I suppose I am going to have to get used to things like this now.

Right, I'd better skiddaddle and get back to the cleaning and sorting of the kitchen for the passover.

A birthday to remember

2009-03-04T23:01:00.001Z

Well, what a day today has been. I thought it was going to be one of those awful days but actually I woke (albeit very late having got up with the boys briefly and then gone back to bed) with a calm feeling over me. I worked this morning (where I got lovely gifts which were totally unexpected), came home and cooked and did the washing, took Gem and I off to the opticians and then came home to wait for the boys. We then did the card opening/present giving which was the most wonderful experience. I had so many cards from family, friends and fellow UKS'ers that I was overwhelmed - I received presents from some that I hardly know but it means so much to me.

Although we had agreed many moons ago that we wouldn't give siblings presents (just the kids) unless it was a big birthday, this year both my brother and sister gave me special presents. It has blown me away but not nearly as much as the kids. Arranged by Jamie they each had written their cards with words that meant so much but Jamie's card had been filled by him with words that mean so much and give me so much strength. He had included a poem that he had written, inspired by one he'd found, that was so moving and had me in tears. He then produced two beautiful pairs of earrings, one set matched the necklace stew gave me and the fact he had organised and sorted it out is wonderful. I cannot put in words how this has made me feel and I hope that Stewart is as proud of our kids as I am, we have certainly done a good job so far and I intend to carry on his good work.

We then went to my BF's for dinner, which was wonderful and her son had made me a card with supergirl on the front. The evening was lovely and she'd even brought me a cake :)

With this and all the text messages and facebook messages I have received I really know how lucky I am to be part of this wonderful local community and the UKS community. To know so many people are thinking of me is amazing.

I have had moments that have been hard today and I have missed the silly texts and phonecalls from Stewart that he would usually make on my birthday, but all in all it hasn't been as bad as i feared. I only hope that next Monday, Stewart's birthday, is as peaceful and calming as this one. In fact I am sure he sent me a present because this afternoon a lovely man called Michael (keep reading it isn't what it seems LOL) knocked on the door offering to take away (for a small cost) the furniture that was piled up outside. It had been upsetting me that it was there because Stew would have removed it and finding someone else to do it was exceptionally hard, the council wouldn't take it cos it had got wet!!!! We were talking and he has offered to be on call for all those little jobs Stew would do like mowing the lawn (cos I don't need a gardener for what we have), taking cars to garages etc. I know I will have to pay him but it is like a weight off my shoulders knowing there is a nice, safe man who can help out if we need him to.

Stewart I miss you so much but I know that you are there watching over me and the kids.

A month to remember

2009-03-02T22:39:00.002Z

Well, what a month it's been and what a month we have coming up.

The past month has been so difficult. It is beginning to hit home that Stewart isn't coming home, that it is for ever and the kids and I are really beginning to have difficult moments. The problem is that we all have our difficulties but they are all so very different and often all at once.

Jamie has become angry and difficult. That's not to say he isn't still being amazing but he is going out as often as he can, going to the gym or to play tennis, going to Manchester or just keeping himself busy. He is angry with me if I ask him to do anything or tell him not to interfere. It is so difficult to know what to do, but we have talked and I think he may now accept some counselling help and we are beginning to talk properly again. He is trying so hard to be brave and tough for us all but it is all just that little bit too much for him.

Alex is being Alex. He is getting ideas in his head (usually ones that will cost me money) and won't let them go and natters and natters and natters. And if he want's to do something, like watch a programme or go on his dad's computer and something is stopping him he is getting very angry and is staying in a mood for much longer than he usually would.

And Gemma is actually better than she was, she is still struggling at night but although she is quieter some of the time, her personality is coming back again. We still have tears and if something annoys or upsets her it turns into tears for Daddy which can become hysterical, we are getting there with her. She has started some Art Therapy which I hope will help her express herself.

And me, well I haven't really got time to grieve, my life is just hectic, but I have my time at night to talk to him and although i miss talking to him in person, I still tell him everything. There are days that are fairly good but usually they are followed by awful days. Work is hard and although my colleague has been amazing, she is now finding it hard to be sympathetic and even suggested that I stopped remembering the date he died and remembering it on a monthly basis - the 11th of each month is a hard day for me and it obviously is beginning to be hard for her. I am trying to change my hours at work (which in total would lose 2 1/2 hours) so that I can have an extra day off a week to give me some time for me and to do things, it isn't that easy - it has been 5 weeks since my request and I am still waiting for an answer!!!!

The next 2 weeks will be hard, it being my birthday on wednesday which I would gladly forget - I was always a birthday personn and used to love the fact that Stewart would spoil me by treating me all day to tea, cakes, dinner, singing happy birthday etc. It would never cost much but would make me feel a million dollars. So this year I would gladly just forget it but the kids won't let me. I am working in the morning but finishing at 12 noon and having an afternoon to myself.

Then a week today is Stew's birthday and I am absolutely dreading it. Having spoken to the kids we have decided to visit Stew on the Sunday so that they don't have to take time off school. We are each taking a balloon up with a note attached and we will release it at the graveside - this was something Gemma has desperately wanted to do since he died so we will fulfil this wish. On the Monday I will visit him again, but on my own and spend some time with him. I then am visiting the stonemason to discuss his headstone. I suppose it is fitting that I sort it out on his birthday. I suppose this will be the toughest first we have had to get through but we have managed to get through things up to now and will continue to do so.

I am just so tired at the moment. I am struggling with the feeling that I have something missing in me and don't feel myself. I hadn't realised how much Stewart was such a part of everything I did. Being with him for 20 years means that to a point I had come to take him for granted and take the fact he was here for granted. It is a lonely life now that just doesn't feel complete. Nothing I do feels right. Although i can smile and laugh there is a bit of me that doesn't join in. I feel totally disjointed. I am lucky enough to have amazing family and friends by my side who are there for me - the girls are taking me out to a turkish baths for my birthday which is great but nothing fills the gap Stew has left. I have started to have flashbacks of the last week of Stew's life which is really upsetting but I suppose it is my brain trying to work through the situation.

I am so looking forward to being able to feel more like myself, I don't like me the way I am, i am not the happy person I was, I am fatter (must be something to do with the chocolate and biscuits that are comforting me!!), I am tired all the time (must be having 4 hours sleep a night!!) and I want to stamp my feet and shout - "I want him back - I want to be complete". I haven't done it yet but I do feel like doing it LOL - that would get me taken away wouldn't it!!!

Sorry it's been a long post - I will try and blog once the next couple of weeks are over.

A valentine's to remember

2009-02-14T20:03:00.002Z

Well what a week or two it has been. I have had a very very tough time in the run up to the 4 month mark, very emotional and very down but I think that part of that was that we had Gemma's birthday, and a big one at that - she turned 10 which is a huge milestone and one we had to do without daddy. We kept her busy from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed the following night, which was the first time she'd had tears about daddy. I think she had a good time with her friends and those who slept over and I must say 6 girls on the floor in the lounge was lovely to see and they behaved impeccably.

The run from there to the 4 month mark was only 3 days and I found it really tough as did the kids but we got through it, but with the snow and everything I still haven't gone to the cemetery. I am going to try and get there whilst I am off work on Monday or Tuesday but as it's half term it might not be easy.

However to avoid the love and roses of Valentines day I opted to go away. Not that we were ever romantic, last year Stew and I went shopping the night before and as a throw away comment I said "hope you've got my card" so as we arrived he steered me towards the fruit and veg and went to buy my card which he then put in the trolley!!!! As he said, he loved me every day and told me so so why should we make a big deal of it. However, the thought of being here with the papers and tv going on and on and on was unthinkable so I booked with my best friend Debra, an overnight stay at Champneys in Leicestershire. We went yesterday morning and have had two wonderful days. Admittedly we were late getting there as we passed a discount outlet centre on the way and the card just happened to drive in and park. It was a lovely couple of hours trying to find an outfit for Debra's special occasion coming up and although she had no luck we did manage to purchase me a lovely outfit, something I just haven't had the head for for the past 6 months or so. We arrived and had a wonderful massage, swam, had a wonderful dinner, a laugh and giggle, some chocolate and a dvd in bed - I only lasted 10 minutes before I was out for the count and snoring away!!! (she said I wasn't too loud much to my relief). Today consisted of a leisurly breakfast, thalasotherapy pool (a wonderful mineral pool with jets), a amazing pedicure and lunch - then we went shopping on the way home too!!!! Well all my spare cash is spent but it was worth it for a lovely couple of days.

On arriving home I was greeted with three roses, a pink one, a cerise one and a red one with a sign saying "please be our valentine" signed all three of the kids. So having got through the weekend with no tears, they came thick and fast, but they were happy tears, as I am so grateful to have my wonderful children with me through this whole thing. What more could a mum want.

So now Jamie has gone to Manchester and is off to Birmingham tomorrow, I hope the weather stays fine for his trip over with friends. As for me, well I am off to bed soon, and tomorrow the kids and I will have a lazy day - no work for me of any sort.

2009-02-02T22:52:00.000Z

Race for Life 2009

2009-02-02T22:40:00.000Z

Firstly I must apologise, my last post makes it look like I don't get out of the house, I do, honestly. I am just about managing to organise going to the monthly crops, although I won't make it in February but I am getting out, it just means lots and lots of organisation.

I am even going away overnight to Champneys with my best friend - Gemma is going to sleep out and the boys are having a night at home in peace without us girls. I am really looking forward to it.

But the big news is at last we have a date for the Race for Life. It is on July 5th which unfortunately is not a good date as some of my friends are away and it is a special weekend for my best friend, but I hope they sponsor me instead. So far we have about 15 ladies actually signed up - seeing as I only emailed them all last night I am quite pleased. However, if you would like to sponsor me my online sponsorship form is Race for Life - Susy Rudette's Fundraising Page - if you wish to Gift Aid your payment, you can't pay by PayPal - not sure why but it doesn't let you.

I have set myself £2500 as a goal and others are setting anywhere between £50 and £500 - If we can raise £5000 I will be pleased but I really really would like to raise £10,000 if possible.

The men's race for the hospice is being held on July 19th and the details of that should be out soon.

I so hope that Stewart is looking down from above and is proud of what we are doing in his name, we are so proud to have been his wife, his children, his parent's in law, brothers and sisters in law, friends and colleagues that I hope we are making him proud.

16 weeks

2009-02-02T18:56:00.002Z

Well, it's hard to believe that it is 16 weeks since I lost my darling Stewart. And the past week has had some interesting turns.

Firstly, Jamie's ex played a cruel hoax on him regarding her health upsetting and worrying us both. How anyone can play that sort of a joke on someone is uncomprehensible but to play it on someone in our situation is nasty, selfish and abhorent. Although now he knows why he split from her and it has closed the book, it was a testing 24 hours for him. To think you may lose someone you were so close to when he has already lost his idol, is so dificult for me to understand.

Secondly, Alex seems to really be struggling with everything. One minute he is calm and collected and the second he is screaming and ranting and raving. I know he can't comprehend what has happened in his life, I know he is angry at the world but it is so hard for me to cope with on my own. Seeing him sobbing, packing his bags because I am the worst mum in the world breaks my heart. I know he doesn't mean the things he says but nontheless it still hurts.

We seem to be plodding along quite well, but on a very selfish note I am struggling with being tied to the house and the kids with very little support. Not that my mum and dad wouldn't do more for me but I don't like to keep asking them to babysit and the kids don't want them to be here all the time either. But when Stew was alive I had the freedom to go to crops, go to classes, go out with my friends all the time knowing the kids were looked after. Now the responsibility is solely mine and every time i go out I have to plan it like a military operation. Although the boys are more than capable of looking after Gem, either together or alone, she winds them up and it causes rows and I come home to tears and tantrums. Jamie has just about sorted out their relationship but Alex and her are at each other's throats all the time. Stew was always the calm voice of reason and if that failed, he shouted louder than the rest of us (LOL).

16 weeks is a long long time, I miss Stew so much and the snow is stopping me going and visiting him which isn't helping. This week has been so hard and with Saturday being Gemma's birthday we are all gearing up for that. I hope we can make it a good day for her, presents, friends for tea and some of them staying over night (god help me!!) I hope we can alleviate the tension that is building. It is a first family ocassion he is missing for and no doubt will be in our minds constantly.

On a very sad note, an old friend miscarried this week which has been hard but I hope that my cuddles and words (which are returns of her words and cuddles for me) will help her, her husband and her kids through this tragic time - we are thinking of you all xxxx

Highs and Lows

2009-01-29T23:43:00.003Z

Ok, so what has been happening in my life over the last couple of weeks. Well lots and nothing all at once.

We've used the money from the sale of the van to buy a new suite which we love and we have said goodbye to Stewart's car and replaced it with an automatic Renault Scenic which I love even though it reminds me of what is missing in my life.

On a daily basis we are plodding on, there are still tears and tantrums but not quite as many as before. however, we had an upsetting weekend when my eldest's ex girlfriend rang to say she had a blood clot on the brain, was having surgery the next day and it was 50/50 chance of survival. Poor Jamie had a sleepless night at his friends where he was, an awful journey home to me and then a nerve wracking wait for a phone call - when it came she claimed to have had the op and was discharged (some 2 hours after the operation!!!) Alarm bells rang and it was obvious something was amiss. After many calls round we found it was a hoax and a very cruel one at that - so although I am angry about it, I am also relieved that he is out of the situation and I think he is too as he can get on with his life.

Things seem to have evened out on a daily basis. I am not sure how much of this is that Jamie has signed up to a gym and is playing tennis and going into the gym a lot which gives him space to take out his anger away from home, but it has meant that things are calmer. I think the fact I have been to my first counselling session has helped too - not sure what benefit it is but actually being allowed to chatter (something I am good at) about me and my life and my anger etc without feeling I am putting on people is wonderful. Back again next week so will see how it goes.

The next big hurdle is I have Macmillian Benefits team coming next week to try and sort out whether it will be financially better for me to stop working. I need to make a decision once and for all and sort myself out. The big problem for me is obviously it feels wrong that in the current climate where jobs are few and far between but if i do what's right for me now, will it be the same in 2 years when Jamie leaves home and benefits drop and if that happens will I be able to get a job suitable for the kids. With Alex on DLA it means i need to be around for him for the forseeable future. There are so many questions to ask with no answers.

As for me, well as long as I am busy (and I am with making invitations) then I cope but when I go upstairs to bed it all hits me like a hammer in the heart. Every night is so hard, I have a chat to him but it just upsets me so much, I suppose I block everything out during the day but when I chat with Stewart it opens up so many open wounds. The funny thing is that I know he is listening to me (I got a message from my friend the day I had my counselling saying he had asked her to contact me and tell me he loved me because I was having a hard day - yet no-one knew I was going!!) and probably getting totally fed up of my incessant chattering at him and crying, he hated both of those things. I sometimes feel as though he is in the room with me and its a lovely feeling, see just as I typed that I felt him here!!!!

Right, I've gabbled on long enough tonight - I know my posts are fewer but sometimes it feels wrong to pour out my heart on here continuously - I am sure anyone reading this doesnt want that every day - but I will update here weekly if I can and hope that soon I can add in some scrapbooking stuff too. Once the next set of invites are finished my mission is to scrap for britain - it's been a long time since I did scrapping at home and I think I need to get back to it, even though most pictures are of stewart at the moment and it is therapeutic.

Good night all and catch you all again soon.

An end of an era and a sad farewell

2009-01-16T19:31:00.003Z

Well, there have been lots of things happening over the past week in my life but tonight culminated in one of the saddest. Tonight we sold Stewart's van, and although I know it couldn't stand outside forever and that sometimes, when I pulled into the street my first reaction was "oh good, Stewart's home" before that sinking feeling, it was so hard watching it drive away for the last time. He loved that van, it was his second home and he bought that with such joy and had it sign written and was so proud of it, yet today I waved it goodbye and it felt like I was saying goodbye to him all over again.

The boys have been quite good about it but Gemma has been heartbroken, it's all she has ever known and this has sort of made her realise that daddy isn't coming home.

So what else is happening in my life. Well Jamie has taken his AS level exams this week, Alex has baked an apple pie, I have looked at a new(ish) car, I have looked at a very funky settee, I have worked really hard, I have sorted out temper tantrums and mood swings from the kids, I have made invitations, I have spent far too much on stash considering my financial situation, I have laughed a little and cried a lot. It has had many ups and downs and there are days when getting out of bed is so hard and others that I just get up. I am still recovering from the flu which hasn't helped me at all but even with that I haven't managed to stay in bed for any length of time - the kids still need getting up and therefore it meant me getting up too.

One of the nicer things to have happened is that Alex has decided that he will take over from Stewart and bring me a cup of tea every morning, ok granted it's at 6.30am when I am not really awake but it is such a sweet thing to do.

Jamie has found a new song by Lonestar which says exactly what I am feeling at the moment

The Lyrics are:

Last Night I had a crazy dream
Wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

[Oh one more day]

First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone, and keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second, say a million I Love You's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

One more day, One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again; I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
Leave me wishing still, for one more day....
With you

[Oh... One more day]

It was obviously written by someone who knows exactly what I feel and puts into words exactly what I feel.

I still haven't managed to get up to see Stewart, so many things have stopped me getting there and I feel really guilty - I would like to go on Sunday after work but as Gemma has a friend staying and I can't leave them too long with Alex it looks like I won't get there unless I go up when Jamie gets home.

I have still to make decisions regarding work as I would really like to continue but I need to sit with my figures and work out if I can afford the mortgage etc without help. It's just another decision to make on my own. In some ways if Stew had lived longer and I had needed to look after him it would have made the decision so much easier but ifs don't help and he isn't here to guide me. I love my job and the fact I am my own person when I am there, even though there are still lots of tilting heads from visitors, it is my saviour at the moment because for 75% of the time I dont think about Stewart because I don't have the time. Is that bad? I do feel guilty but know I can't spend the rest of my life thinking solely of him.

So thats this week's update. Without my friends, your comments, your support I wouldn't get through a moment so for that I will be eternally grateful.

Another First

2009-01-10T23:34:00.002Z

Before I start this post I want to say a huge thank you to Skye for that beautiful poem, it was a lovely thought to write something for me and it meant a lot.

Well, it's nearly midnight which means we have hit the 3 month mark since I lost my beloved Stewart. I can't believe it, 3 whole months without him. To be honest, it still doesn't seem real at all, we have never been apart longer than a week in 20 years and the past 3 months feels like an age. I cannot get it into to my head that I will never ever see him again. To be honest I don't want to, I won't and I can't accept he is never going to come back in through the front door. I know that in time I will have to accept it but at the moment I just WON'T. The kids are having a really tough time, Jamie has admitted that although he knows it is hard for me, that I won't have to go through this again but he will and he doesn't know when. That is such a frightening thought for a child. I cannot imagine it at all, I am still lucky enough to have both my parents so what he is going through is something I cannot comprehend but something I find totally heartbreaking. He is a wonderful young man who shouldnt have to go through this. He was wonderful before this and didn't deserve this pain. He feels he did something wrong and is being punished and although I have explained it to him that it isn't his fault, I can totally understand because I feel the same. I have looked at my life in depth and I admit I have made mistakes, could this be my punishment?

Tonight I went to a good friends birthday/anniversary party. I didn't want to go and nearly bottled out at the last minute but I knew how much it would mean to them if I went, so I slapped on some make up for the first time and put on some heels and went. It was so hard. I walked in and just wanted to turn round and run, but Anne and Rafi who picked me up held my hand and gave me the strength to go through with it. Everyone was lovely - only a couple of tilted heads, a lot of questions of "how are you doing" and "how are the kids coping" but I managed to sit through the whole meal and when i went out to check on the kids people came out to check I was alright. The funny thing was I knew Stewart was with me, I could feel him and he would have so loved to have been there. The food was his cup of tea, and he actually would have known most people there. I have to say the support I got from everyone there was overwhelming and very heart warming but once the dessert came out I knew I couldn't keep it up and needed to go home. Bless Jamie, he came straight away to pick me up and I have felt better being home.

I am working tomorrow and won't get up to see Stewart, as I have Gemma on my own, which is very hard, but I know he will still be there on monday (he doesn't get out much these days!) when I have the chance to go on my own. I am not sure how I will get through tomorrow. Half of me hopes it is really busy so I won't think about it, and the other just wants me to get home to the kids as quick as I can. I am so blessed to have the kids, my family and friends around me and supporting me but I now realise that it is only me that can get me through this. Nothing I do will change anything in the past but I hope that wherever Stewart is, he is watching me and smiling down. I hope I am doing things the way he would want me to, that I am bringing up the kids the way he would want me to and that we are thinking about him and talking about him as much as he would want us to. I also know he would be kicking me up the rear end if he was here and telling me to get on with things, but it is so hard every day to continue living a life I just don't want to live. This wasn't what I dreamt of, my dreams have all been shattered and I am not sure I have the strength to build new ones. Only time will tell.

Ups and Downs and denials

2009-01-06T23:38:00.003Z

Well, we are into the first week of a new year and so far it hasn't been too bad, well maybe not too bad is an exageration but you know what I mean.

There are still many issues to sort out - Jamie being 17 is being a mix of a typical 17 years old teenager and a young man trying very hard to step into his daddy's shoes. However, the problem we have is that we are not ready for this and it sometimes makes things difficult. However, tonight we have had a brief chat, well more me telling him and him listening and I hope he understands but who knows, I just got the obligatory grunt - however he is still being amazing but he just needs to find his feet.

Alex is really suffering from middle child syndrome - he isn't the man of the house and he isn't the baby and he feels that we don't listen to him. To be honest, we don't most of the time cos he tends to talk total and utter crap (always has so this isn't new) but I do believe that we need to take the time to listen to him at least even if we don't follow up on things. He has been amazing this week and bless him, is helping me out so much.

Gemma is really throwing the gauntlet into the ring with some of her behaviour. After taking advice that when she has a strop and shouts things at us we should ignore it and it will stop, it slowed down but when it happened it was horrendous. So last week I broke all the rules in the book and gave her a piece of my mind, telling her if she continued like this she would make me unhappy and I would have to go into hospital and then she would have to go to grandma's. She wasn't happy about this option at all (grandma is loving but exceptionally strict) and having had a real talking to, with the offer of telling me she is angry instead of shouting at me and the second option of going into the bathroom and shouting it at the wall, without me telling her off for her language or anger, she has definately improved. I felt awful, taking away her security blanket of me being here for ever but I just couldn't cope with it any longer, it was making my life even worse which I never thought possible. She is also back to her old tricks of coming downstairs after going to bed and not getting enough sleep. So after a long chat with a friend (thanks Charlotte) we have set up a new routine that she goes to bed at 9pm and is allowed, for an hour to either watch telly, listen to music, read, paint whatever she wants but it is lights out at 10pm and from 9pm she isn't allowed downstairs. The times change for non school nights to 10pm and 11pm (bless her she is a night owl so won't sleep earlier). I have promised in return that if she does this every night, I will reward her at the weekend with a special hour together doing something together, such as painting her nails, pedicure, baking, painting, doing her jigsaw or doing a LO together. Lets see if it works but so far so good tonight!!!

As for me, well I have the flu with a chest infection and swollen glands and not only do I look divine but I feel really really bad. I know if I could go to bed for a couple of days I would sort myself out but obviously without Stew to help me, that's impossible so I will have to get on with things.

I have also decided that instead of thinking of Stewart not being here and never coming back, the easiest way to get through the day is to think of him either at work or upstairs and so far I am better for it. I know I will have to deal with the forever at some point but with everything else going on, this will have to be the way I get through it.

I so miss him all the time and just want one hug, one kiss (ok a big kiss but one kiss) and to hear him talk to me and tell me he loves me one more time. I know Jamie is right in saying that if I got that I would want more, but at the moment I would settle for that!!!!

I have been off work sick but need to go in tomorrow - not sure how I will cope - I might be home again quicker than you can say "jack robinson" so we will see. Its a busy time of the year (actually it is always a busy time but its a busier time) so I really need to sort things out.

I have had some lovely emails over the last few days and one very special one from a fellow UKS'er who unfortunately lost her husband a few years ago offering to meet up with me. She is a member of a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50 to join) called WAY which I have joined but not actually attended anything yet. I thought meeting her might be nice on two levels, obviously she sounds lovely and has been very supportive and she has been exceptionally understanding and supportive but also because we have something other than bereavement in common - we have scrapping. Sounds like this could be good for me and I have promised myself I WILL make the effort to meet up with her soon.

As for my scrapping - well I am only really doing it at the crops at the moment. That's because between times I am sorting out my life (no tall order that one!!), sorting out the kids, making ordered cards but most importantly making ordered invitations. I have got my 4th ever order which means I have 3 on the go at the moment which certainly keeps the mind busy!!!

I moved my dining room round on Saturday morning - don't ask, I just got up with bags of energy and a mad idea of how I could make things better and actually have a comfy chair in here (the room where we eat, I craft and is the kitchen too) so that I can chill out with the telly if the kids are in the lounge. Well after doing it "arse over tit" as Jamie put it, I got there with some help from the kids and I must say I think I am pleased with it. It is definately roomier in here and I think more organised but then again I can't find anything as I am too organised (LOL). So I am sat here at my craft desk, the patio is open so Boo can go out if needed (we are STILL trying to housetrain him) and my legs are freezing (it must be minus 4 at least) with a cup of tea typing this. However, one of the jobs I have to do over the next few days is sort some kits out with photos as I am cropping on Saturday (6 hours of MEEEEE time - so excited) but hopefully now I am organised this shouldn't be too bad.

I did treat myself today to the new cricut blade which is supposed to cut out chipboard - haven't had the time to try it but I will (how odd, I am actually talking about crafting of my craft blog and not just about my sad life - I must be moving forward a little!!). I did some lovely (though I say so myself) LO's at the last crop - 2 doubles and a single which I must photograph so I can upload for you.

Right I have waffled and waffled on here, not sure it makes sense but as usual I do feel a benefit of getting my feelings onto "paper" if you know what I mean, and I hope you have managed to follow it!!! Off to bed now to warm up with a water bottle and another cuppa!!

New Year Messages

2009-01-01T01:21:00.006Z

Well I never expected to be sat here an hour and half into 2009 in such a calm mood. The support on my blog, UKS and in texts received all evening tonight have been amazing. Did I have tears tonight, well yes I did but they were brought on by the most beautiful text a mum could receive from her son. Jamie is in Manchester with his friends, hopefully having as good a time as he can, but he took the time, just before midnight to send me a beautifully heartwarming text telling me all things I needed to hear (ok, I'm off in tears again at the thought!!). I don't know what I or Stewart ever did to deserve a son like him, but I thank my lucky stars every day that we had him.

Other special moments tonight that will stay me are:

Our friend, Malcolm, who lost his parents whilst young (and our host tonight) writing a message on the top of his car in the snow (Hello All) aimed at his parents and Stew - WOW, that blew me away especially when we stood looking up at the stars together

His wife, Debra, just holding me and making me smile at all the right moments tonight without getting too sentimental

The kids all 7 of them just getting along without a cross word all night and the only tears we had were when Gemma stood on some meccano and her foot bled!!!

I realise how incredibly lucky I am to have the most amazing friends to support me - I was always told if you could count your true friends and they filled a hand you were lucky - well after the past 4 months I need both hands, both feet and a few spare ones - so no matter how unlucky I feel when I think of my life now, I also realise that with 3 amazing kids, amazing parents, amazing siblings and their partners, amazing nieces, amazing family of Stewarts (excluding my MIL but that's a long story) and my amazing friends - I really am blessed.

I can't tell you or even myself why I am so unlucky to have lost the love of my life but I do know that from that tragedy I have been truly blessed. Maybe, just maybe Stew is up there watching me and smiling at the support we have down here and knowing that because he was such an amazing man (and I suppose I haven't been too bad a friend either) we will have love and laughter and support for a long time to come.

I know that no one can replace Stew in my heart, no one else will put their arms round me and make me feel that I was in the safest place in the world, no one else will kiss me and make me feel like I was flying, no one else will shout at me but I will know it is for all the right reasons, no one else will make me giggle at some silly joke quite like Stewart did but I will know that I have more than a girl could wish for to get me through the next month and years so maybe, just maybe there is a chance for 2009 to be a fairly good year. I know there will be times that I can't see past the next hour or even minute but sat here today, for the first time, I realise that there will be people (and Stewart too) carrying me through all those awful moments and together we will come out the other side.

To Stewart I want to say I love you with every cell in my body, you are my everything and I miss you soooo soooooo much, more than words can ever say but I will love you forever and a day my darling. I hope wherever you are you are at peace and are able to watch over me and the kids and guide us in our dark moments and join with us during the better moments. God Bless you my sweetheart.

The end of 2008

2008-12-30T05:43:00.002Z

Well, I am sat here at some ungodly hour unable to sleep due to the fact I have a really bad cold and I am feeling sorry for myself. I have been thinking about the past few months and the year that I have had and felt that I needed to put my thoughts down in writing - so my apologies for the possible length of this post.

I have had a year filled with so many happy memories and so many sad ones which have taken over the good ones. The beginning of 2008 was filled with so much hope, after having a very testing and trying end to 2007 for various reasons. Stewart and I had found ourselves again and were more together than we had ever been. We were looking forward to a wonderful year, how ironic is that now. In February I had a fall at work causing an injury to my shoulder which to this day is still troubling me but the support I got from Stewart was amazing. We went on the holiday of a lifetime, the holiday we thought would be the last family one as Jamie was growing up and we put every penny we had into a trip to Florida and Disney. Yet again how ironic was that, yes we were right that it would be the last family holiday but for such different reasons. The holiday definately fulfilled our dreams and watching Stewart's face light up as we walked down main steet in Disney and seeing all our favourite characters performing on stage was a magical moment which will stay with me forever. The holiday wasn't perfect, but then again our holidays never were, but it will be the perfect memory for me now.

On our return our troubles started although I didn't realise it at the time and our luck started to change drastically. Stewart's fall off a ladder seemed at the time to be just a blip and nothing more than a seconds loss of balance but I am so sure, in my mind, that it was a sign of what was happening to him but no one realised it at the time. Jamie went to New York in the summer and it was such a joy to hear him report virtually daily to us with his news and excitement and I know Stewart enjoyed those moments but these were probably the last moments we would enjoy together. In September my world collapsed and I can recall every moment since then in exact detail and sat here some 4 months later, cannot believe that my year has ended with me alone without him. I cannot believe that he has been gone for nearly 3 months, a quarter of a year - I cannot believe that i will never see him, never speak to him properly, never hug him, never kiss him, never shout at him again - ever. It is during these times that I have my darkest moments. The pain hasn't subsided, it is there every second of every day but I am beginning to have days where it is there beside me and not overwhelming me and I know, from talking to others, that those days grow but I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him.

When talking to others I can sound optomistic, talk about enjoying the children twice over, once for me and once for him, I can talk about the future and what and where I want to be, but in reality that's all it is, talk. In truth I cannot imagine enjoying anything properly again, cannot imagine my life 3 months down the line let alone years down the line. I cannot imagine how I can continue to exist without him, but I know I have to.

My children continue to be my rocks, so wonderful and supportive but I am trying so hard to be strong for them because when it gets too much and I break down, the pain on their faces is awful.

How we will get through the next few days is an unknown quantity - I cannot imagine how I will feel at midnight tomorrow, I have spent many new years on my own when Stew was working but he always came home, he always rang me - but not this year. I know I will be with friends but I don't want it to be hard for them either, even though one friend there will be struggling too as she lost her mum the day before Stewart died.

I keep thinking of writing a letter to stewart to help me deal with my feelings but I can't actually put pen to paper. I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with the feelings that will come out. I am sad, I am angry, I am lonely, I am missing him and that is only on the surface. I know it is something I have to face in time, just not yet.

However, there have been positives over the last 4 months I suppose. The closeness of my family and of Stewart's family - the support from them all and from our friends is amazing and continues on a daily basis. The community continue to support me with offers of help and the kids' friends are helping them. But I would swap it all for him back in my arms.

Every day there is more to sort out, we have sorted the garage and lock up and it feels like slowly he is disappearing from my life, I know in reality he will be with me forever but the physical things are slowly going and I know for the kids as well as myself this is so difficult to watch. I also know it's a necessity too but that doesn't make it easier. I think it is time to stop sorting and leave things as they are for a little while.

Today is the first day since the funeral that I feel that my legs just won't get me through the day, but I suppose when it gets lighter outside I will just get up and carry on again as I have been doing for the past 80 days. Gosh working that out means that he has been gone twice as long as the time we knew he was ill - I know it's just numbers but it really hits home when you see it like that. I feel that I want to go to the top of a hill and just scream that it is so unfair, that I want him back by my side, not just the feeling that he is here but to actually be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him and love him in person, not just looking at a photo. I know many will say go and do it, but actually it won't change anything, he still won't be here and it is that feeling that it is never going to change that is so hard.

However, I have to look ahead to the future, to next year and hope that there will be some lighter moments within it. We have birthdays and anniversarys to get through without him but we have special birthdays to celebrate like Jamie's 18th which I am determined that will be a happy occasion for him to remember, although I know there will be moments that are hard too. We have the fundraising that we plan to do to sort out, hopefully with dates being confirmed early in the year so that we can focus on some positives.

So I sign off for 2008 with these words. I want to thank my kids, my family, Stew's family, our wonderful friends, my amazing new friends, UKS'ers (who come under my friends) and everyone who has taken the time to either leave a comment on here, email me, write to me, talked to me or just held my hand whilst I walk this long and hard path. Without each and every one of you, I couldn't have got this far and I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2009 and I hope that all of your dreams come true.

An Update

2008-12-22T19:55:00.002Z

Well what a week this has been, the good news is that my tax credit is finally sorted out and I have actually received some money. Only after a long battle did I find someone to help me out but they were truly a life saver and I feel so relieved.

Now I have the figures of what I will get, it is time to work out whether working is beneficial to me or not financially - it's a bummer when it looks like I will be so much better off not working - how ridiculous is that - if the goverment only allowed some of the other benefits you get on income support when you claim tax credit I could stay working but no, along with no free school meals which works out at £200 a month, help with council tax and help with the mortgate it seems virtually insane to continue to work .............................. except that I might go insane if I don't - we will review this in February when the rules for income support change again and see what happens, in the mean time I will struggle on.

This week Chanukah has started, our Festival of Lights, which is a lovely festival where we give each other presents. Usually we only give small tokens for Chanukah and larger presents for birthdays and this year was no different. My family mostly gave me alcohol which is a worrying thing - do they think I need it considering I am not a big drinker??? LOL. However, tonight, the second night of Chanukah (there are 8 of them!) we were home with just the four of us and for the first time the kids all gave me presents - that in itself was a lovely thought but what they bought me were so special. Gemma borrowed off grandma and bought me a teddy key ring to make me smile called buttons because she said I like buttons on my layouts (bless her), Alex bought me a cuddly Grumpy dwarf from Snow White, cos that was Stewart's nickname in Florida when we all took on alias's to use on the walkie talkies, he even bought a jacket with Grumpy on the back and the name across the front, and Grumpy is now sat on my desk looking quite crossly at me whilst I type this. Jamie bought me a digital photoframe which in itself is wonderful, but he had loaded a USB with photos of the family and especially ones of Stewart which run on a 30 second changing cycle, and yes it made me cry. What amazingly wonderful kids I have and although last night and tonight have been incredibly hard for us having to deal with our memories and the fact that Stew isn't here, we are coping to the best of our abilities.

As for me, well I am still having some up days and some down days and whatever I do it seems stewart is always on my mind. I am finding it still so hard to not be with him, I cannot believe it has only been 10 weeks since I lost him, yet it feels like yesterday too. There have been many tears but I seem to be finding a strength that I didn't know I had which means I can get up in a morning. All I need to do is find the strength to cope with Gemma's tantrums which are getting worse by the minute - I have had some advice which I am trying to follow but as yet, no change but I have noticed she isn't continuing the rudeness as long so maybe just maybe we will get somewhere.

Right, off to help madam sort out the new jigsaw she got for Chanukah - can see I might be doing this 1000 piece jigsaw with her LOL

On a happier note

2008-12-17T00:35:00.002Z

Having posted about the trials and tribulations I am going through I would just like to tell you something nice for a change.

I got a pass out from my kids and on Saturday, after arranging for the kids to be out (thank you Elaine and Marie) I went to the Leeds Paper Dolls 12 hour xmas crop. It was lovely being out for the day although Kirsty was really poorly and went home and Alison only lasted till about 5pm because she felt lousy. I managed to do 3 canvasses and 2 DLO's and 1 SLO so I am really proud of myself. I will take some pictures of them and upload so that you can all see that I still do craft occasionally.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see someone about some more invites so keep your fingers crossed for me pleeeeeeeease that they like them.

Right, better get off to bed, was planning an early night but as usual it hasn't happened.

Benefits????

2008-12-17T00:15:00.002Z

Well, having taken advice when Stewart was poorly, we applied for tax credits and it went without a hitch. However, when I rang them the week after he died to tell them, they must have decided that I hadn't suffered enough. First they promised they would do the alteration over the phone, then they decided that they would cancel the existing claim and send out a new claim form which didn't arrive for 10 days.

Ok, I coped with that but what happened next - well being a little on the upset side, i put a wrong digit in my national insurance number and hey presto, the world stops. When I rang chasing the claim after 4 weeks I was told they didn't have it, then they found it, found the mistake said they would rectify it and said ring in a week. That has been the story ever since. Last week I demanded to speak to a team leader who having got me hysterically crying by this time, agreed to have the claim processed asap. Being me, I trusted them and today decided that having given them another 5 days to process the paperwork which they had had for 7 weeks, I would ring. BIG MISTAKE. "we haven't got a claim for you" and it started all over again. After much shouting on my side with the threat that this was about to push me over the edge and that did they have a bed in their office cos without my money I would be homeless or alternatively could pay the mortgage but then my kids wouldn't eat and we would have no gas or electricity???? I was told that I would need to write in and complain. WRITE IN AND COMPLAIN - I have found the second place in the world that has no emails or telephones, the tax credit benefit agency - cos according to the helpline they cannot contact them by phone or email. Maybe our prime minister would like to help them out and install modern technology so that they can be contacted.

Having hung up on them in floods of tears I left work and came home and rang again to be told "you've rung already twice today". Actually, I said, I have rung only once but I want to know if you will be processing my claim before I contact the BBC and ITV - he informed me they wouldn't be processing the claim but if I rang the Inland Revenue in Leeds they would help me with an emergency loan......................... possibly!!!!!! So I did that to find that the number in the telephone directory is for Income Tax!!!! That was it, having told the lovely lady in income tax my problems and being told she couldn't help me I said never mind, I won't need the bloody benefit and put the phone down. Within 5 minutes another lovely lady from income tax rang me to give me the information of where I go in Leeds to get face to face help. I have to say I think this lady saved my sanity - so whoever you are, thank you so much for being a normal human being and caring.

I went down to the benefits help section at the local inland revenue offices and WOW another nice, caring normal lady called Ayasha (I think that's how you spell her name) helped me out and after listening to my story went to speak to her supervisor. She came back having got all the advice she needed and helped me fill in a new form which she personally will process tonight and call me tomorrow to let me know when I will get some money (hopefully next week) which will be back dated too!!!

So, ok, that's one government department that was totally and utterly crap and uncaring, can you believe I have found someone else equally as unhelpful. EMA. That is the payments that Jamie gets for staying on at school, you know the ones that had silly adverts with talking heads in the classroom telling the kids they can get paid to stay in school. Well, they are wrong, cos the people who process the claims are useless, the people who deal with your queries are blatently stupid and the only way for them to correct an error they have caused is to go to appeal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did they do - well you fill the form in and send in your P60 showing your income. That's easy, honestly. There is only one of me so all i had to do is send in my P60 which I did. What do they do, they double the pay on it!!! What the F**K is that about - I mean it was so obvious that they had put in the figure twice which meant Jamie doesn't get what he's entitled to. So very calmly I ring and explain that they have made this error to be told all I can do is appeal even though if someone got out the form and P60 it would be obviously their mistake. Nope, they won't check in you have to write in and it takes up to 6 months for the appeal.

My blood pressure must be up near Mars by now with all of this, not what I really need at the moment. You'd think that between all the forms you have to fill in for widows pensions, bereaved parent benefit, bereavement benefit, any benefits additionally you may want to claim, that they wish that they could kill the partners too. All I can say is I hadn't realised how distressing this would be on top of the grief which is really beginning to hit home.

So all i can say is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Busy doing nothing

2008-12-09T06:33:00.002Z

Well thought I should update on this blog on the weeks that have gone by - it has been a tough week for us all. I think it is starting to hit us how hard this is going to be. We have had some really rough days individually and a couple of really bad days as a whole which was really not nice to live through but I suppose we should expect it. When we all have a tough day then there is nothing that can be done to help us through it, except to get through to bed time, sleep and start again.

Not sure why this week has been so hard, is it cos it's 8 weeks and that in itself is a milestone, i mean on thursday it is 2 months. I can't get my head round that figure, 2 months without seeing him, hearing him, touching him. And my god, this is it for the rest of my life, no stewart, wham that feels like i have been hit by a steam train. I knew i would have to hit rock bottom to get back up and i think i am definately on the way down if not at the bottom but I have to pick myself up and start my life all over because i have three wonderful reasons and although it is going to be hard, I am going to do it.

And to top my horrid day off yesterday, i fell coming out of work, exacerbated my shoulder injury and totally destroyed my knee which is very very sore and a mess. It was so hard coming home and not having Stew here to make me feel better or look after me. That really hit me hard because after telling me how stupid I was for falling he would have been so caring and let me rest, but I had to get on with it and that in itself was hard.

So, to start with getting back into a "normal" life I have applied for membership at WAY, a young bereaved partners group. I have spoken to Winston's Wishes to get some help for the kids, the boys now have someone to talk to, i have requested Gem's school get someone in and I need to speak to the oncologist to answer some questions I have. On a personal note, I am having a busy weekend, going to a 12 hour crop with the Paper Dolls on Saturday. Although the kids were supporting me going, it was only this week that I realised I hadn't sorted out the kids for food and care whilst I was away, I suppose I had forgotten Stew wasn't here to have them, but my family and friends are amazing. Gem is going to her friends, the boys are sorted for food, Jamie is going to the football and picking up Gem when he gets home and I am allowed to be out till 10pm. I am so looking forward to it as it is my anniversary with the paper dolls but at the same time, so nervous that I am leaving the kids for that long without me. Sunday I am working then have a 50th anniversary party at lunch to go to - I am sooooo nervous as other than a table of us "youngsters" they will all be my parent's ages and some of them I haven't seen during the last 8 weeks so there will no doubt be sympathy and tilted heads all afternoon - great can't wait!!! but I know it's a good "first" because come the new year I have a 50th birthday to attend which I am hoping will be easier for me doing this week.

So, I suppose it isn't any easier at the moment but we are muddling through. I am going for my monthly visit to Stewart on Thursday as long as the snow doesn't come down again which I am hoping will give me some peace and we are set for another month. I want to scoop the kids up and hold them and take away all their pain, but I can't and I think that is the hardest thing about this. But I am determined we will get through this and start living - they have their lives ahead of them filled with all the excitement it will bring and I want to ensure they are ok in themselves to not miss those opportunities. Without the support I am getting I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other, so I suppose that even though I am bleary eyed typing this at 7am in a morning, I am out of bed again and starting another day, which at the moment is an achievement in itself!

Bol**ks

2008-12-01T22:06:00.002Z

Well it's not polite to swear is it!!!! But it's how I feel life is at the moment.

The numbness is starting to wear off and the pain is worse. I am so angry, sad, tearful, mad, frustrated, guilty and fed up all at the same time. I am angry I am alone without him, sad that he isn't here to share my life, mad that we didn't pick up the cancer earlier and have a chance to have time together, frustrated that every bit of paperwork takes so long, guilty that I didn't trust my intuition that something was wrong earlier and just totally fed up of my life.

The kids are really struggling with everything and of course that means taking it all out on me in various ways which is so hard with no-one behind me backing me up and it seems that all I seem to say is "I am sorry daddy isn't here" and "I am still the parent and you will listen". It just feels like everything with them is hard work.

We have had good moments like a presentation at school for Gemma where the boys came along with my mum and dad and it was lovely to watch. They picked Gemma for a very special part of the presentation which of course made me cry and I just wished that Stewart had been here, cos he would have been soooooooo incredibly proud of his little girl. Everything is tinged with sadness at the moment and it is really hard to cope with.

I went back to work but I am not sure I have done the right thing. I just don't have enough hours in the day now to do everything around the house and all the paperwork and the nights seem endless even though I am only in bed for 4 or 5 hours.

And there is something else on my mind. Stewart had two lots of x-rays prior to him showing the obvious sign of cancer. One when he had the fall off the ladder and one just before he was diagnosed, yet neither times did the doctors pick up the cancer. So to settle my mind I am going to try and get hold of the x-rays and get a second opinion. I just need to know if there were any signs there that should have been picked up. When we were in A&E just before we saw the eye specialist for the last time he had x-rays to see what was causing the gastric problems, surely the sign of pancreatic cancer was there and should have been seen. If so, maybe I would have got him the help he needed 3 weeks earlier giving them a better chance of treatment meaning I would have had him longer. I know it won't bring him back but maybe it will save someone else the pain I am going through if I can help teach them the correct diagnosis. I cannot believe that it didn't show up - the pains he had were due to the cancer yet we were given gaviscon and anti-inflammory's for his stomach. I know I am grasping at straws but I have to have some answers. I also need to try and speak to his oncologist to suggest that MRI scans are given annually to patients so that these things would be picked up - if Stewart had had one every year the chance is something might have shown and although he may not have lived, he may have had a chance of a longer life.

I have also sent off my application to join WAY - a group for young bereaved partners (think you have to be under 50) so that maybe, just maybe I can talk my feelings through with people in the same situation. I hope someone will be able to reassure me that I won't feel this awful for ever, because if they can't I don't know how long I can live feeling like this. It is awful. I don't want to give up and die because I have three amazing children but I can't face this pain forever. It is crushing me and all I want to do is curl up in bed and never get up. I do get up but it is so hard. I thought it would get easier but at the moment it seems to be getting harder and harder. Maybe it has to get worse to get better but all the insecurities of bringing up the kids on my own is weighing me down so along with the grief I just don't know what to do. I am not suicidal at all, this blog helps me through my bad times, but the thought of life as it is going on as it is is very depressing.

I gave the kids framed photos of their dad today for their rooms and I don't know if that was the right thing to do. Simple things that seem to be right, are so often not. I just wish there was a guide book for people like me, it would make things so much easier.

Right, having been to a lesson tonight I am about to tidy up my house before eventually getting to bed - lets just hope I sleep better than last night (2 hours).

Nearly 12,000

2008-11-24T21:40:00.002Z

Yes, that is the total visits nearly to my blog. 12000 is such a huge number (and although it count's my visits, I don't read it that much!!)

I was thinking today of why I write my blog. I know I do it to keep a diary of everything so that when I am forgetful (which these days is most of the time) I can remember the order of things. I know I do it as it is cathartic to write down, almost privately, my feelings. I didn't realise though that it may help others. It wasn't my intention but it is something that makes me feel good, so thank you to everyone who has posted but special thanks to those brave enough to say my words have helped them. By saying that, you have helped me because at least I can feel that Stewart didn't die in vain. There was a reason and maybe, just maybe me writing this blog has helped someone through their pain or helped someone understand what someone is going through. Maybe this is the reason for everything, or does that sound big headed. I haven't saved anyone's life, I haven't find the cure for cancer, in fact I haven't actually done anything, yet with the words you kind people have left for me, I feel I have done something.

When I am calm and at some sort of peace and look at my life now, I realise that I have been extremely lucky. Firstly I am lucky to have known true and total love. Now don't get me wrong, Stewart and I didn't have the perfect relationship, didn't have the perfect marriage and certainly didn't have perfect kids. But I do know that I loved Stewart with every ounce of my being and I believe, and I hope, that he loved me that much too. We had many ups and downs in our marriage and far more downs than ups to be honest. We rowed, we had money problems, we had problems to face with the kids, but we did it together and when we rowed, we made up and forgave, when we had money problems we sorted them out together finding ways to make money and when we had problems with the kids we sorted them out together. So I was very very lucky to have met my soul mate, the person I would have gladly shared every day of my life with.

I know that I am lucky that i had enough time to say some of the things I wanted to say to Stewart before I lost him. I know i am lucky i didn't have to watch him suffer for too long. I know he said to the kids everything he could have said.

I know I am lucky that I have my family, my friends, my kids to keep me going every day. I know I am lucky to have the most wonderful work colleague who keeps my spirits up and brings me wonderful chocolate and biscuits to get me through my day. So however unlucky I am to have lost my best friend and soul mate, maybe just maybe there is a reason behind it. Because before all this started both Stewart and I felt we didn't have masses of friends and that we needed to make the effort to get out and be with people. Yet tonight I spent time with a new friend I made since losing Stewart. Someone who I knew of due to her having lost her beautiful daughter some 18 months or so ago, but not someone who I would speak to. However from one visit to see me when I lost Stewart I have someone who is the kindest, sweetest lady you could imagine who I can share my inner most thoughts with, those of frustration and loss, those of humour at peoples comments although well meaning which are just so not appropriate and I know that she understands. She puts things into perspective for me and i hope I can help her just a little bit too. I have never been invited out for coffee, lunch, or the family invited to tea to so many people before. I have never had the phone ring so many times or the emails pop up with messages of support and love. It is an amazing thing to realise that actually some people quite like you and obviously quite liked Stewart. It's just such a shame he can't see this and benefit for it, for however a big, strong man he was he had little self confidence and although I told him he was a wonderful man, actually I never appreciated how wonderful and that he touched so many lives. We as a family are benefitting from this and I hope that he can see it.

So there we go, 12000 visits to my little blog, so even if you have visited my blog 100 times each, that is 120 people who have read what I have said, who have been interested and cared enough about my story and my life. It really, really, really is amazing that such sadness and loss can bring so much to someone - and that someone is me. So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for your support, you really really really do help me through each day with your comments.

Now, I must go back to my mundane life and do some shopping. We have no fruit or veg in the house and I can't just send Stewart out to get it like I used to. Mind you, as someone said there are perks. We have no need for marmite in the house, we only have the food we need being bought and we don't have mountains of one item just because it was on sale. Oh, and I've moved the kettle and cups to where I want them (sorry, Stewart) so I suppose I have to grab everything I can as a positive. (Mind you, if he keeps making my lights flash in the kitchen I will start getting quite cross with him - I can still shout at him from here and benefit from him not shouting back at me LOL).

Handbags and Gladrags

2008-11-23T09:08:00.003Z

Well actually, wardrobes and drawers but that didn't seem too catchy a title!!!

Well this week has definately been one of the more "interesting" ones.

We have had ups and downs this week, plenty of tears from us all but lots of people offering to help. I have been busy visiting the bank manager (she was lovely and only looked about 6) who off the record reckons on the income I gave her and the outgoings we have I am unofficially SKINT!!!! We will have to see what they suggest with the business loan but I am determined I will not lose sleep over it - well actually not lose any more sleep over it!!

The kids are having their good days and their bad ones. Jamie has been amazing as always although last night it all errupted and for an hour it was horrendous and we actually had tears, he is going to see someone on Thursday and I hope he feels he can talk to them. He has admitted he is trying not to cry and be down to keep the rest of us boyant which is so sweet but is very hard for me as it should be me doing that and it isn't. Alex had exams this week for his GCSE's and was very very nervous. Without his dad saying all the right things (well he doesn't listen to me) he was putting extra pressure on himself but he thinks he did ok and although he is still struggling coming to terms with things, he is such a wonderful little boy (ok 14 isn't little but he's my little boy). Gemma is great during the day, I met with her teacher this week who says she is doing fine at school and mixing well. It's the night time she finds difficult and we have to have lots of cuddles to get through the tears!! She is so stubborn, just like her dad, but we will get through it all.

As for me, well yesterday was 6 weeks and I got a bee in my bonnet that i needed to sort out our bedroom, so I spent yesterday afternoon emptying the wardrobe and drawers of Stewarts things. I have to say, I found so many brand new t shirts, jumpers and jeans that it made me giggle, he used to tell me off for buying clothes and stuff but at least I used/wore them. I sorted out some stuff I can't get rid of and some stuff the kids may want - they all wore his work tshirts (new ones) for bed last night - it looked like a uniform!!! It was so hard to do it but I know keeping them there won't bring him back and there is a bit of the triple wardrobe which has his stuff in for me to be able to touch/smell when I need to. It was hard work and I know that I have to do it, to clear away his clutter from the house to be able to move on but it is so hard. I know that if I leave it it will be harder to do later on and although it is very raw and hurts so much, it won't be easier to do later and may set me back on this very hard and long road I am walking.

I just wish he was here to cuddle me and guide me as to whether I am doing the right thing with the house, the kids, work, me .................................... I hope I am and I hope I am doing him proud.

I have arranged to go back to work tomorrow which is a little nerve racking but I suppose it's one step back to "normality" as such. I am hoping that once the initial days are over, I can just be me again where I don't think about the situation every second of every day.

As for our fundraising efforts - well hopefully we are set to have 12 months of the most amazing fundraising I could hope for. I have well over the 200 women set to do the Race for Life if the date is ok and will be looking for a sponsor for the tshirts for them. The local kids club are doing a huge fundraiser to raise funds to revamp their disco room which Stewart helped set up when they started years ago. They have asked if they can name the new room after him and use his name in the fundraising which obviously I said yes to. The leaflets came home from school, advertising the 24 hour disco and yes, they had his name on and yes, it was a surreal moment but Gemma was so proud that it was about her daddy that I was equally proud. We as a family, along with our extended family and all our friends will be there - it's a £10 entrance fee (but no sponsorship needed) and I hope that the boys will be able to do an hour or two's slot so that we all feel that we are helping.

As for the men's walk we are trying to sort - well I have someone for St Gemma's coming to see me this week to discuss setting up a race/walk specifically in his name for men. I am so excited that we could do something like this and I hope the boys will be able to help in arranging it as well as taking part - I know I have over 100 men to do it and would like to open it out to the general public too - the money raised will be for such a good cause.

And we have started putting together the final fundraiser which will be a dinner dance in October/November next year. Well the band is sorted (f.o.c. I think) so we need to find a date, a hall etc but I will do this once I get the walk sorted.

Today I am off with the two little ones to a friends and I hope to actually do some scrapping. It will be the first I have done (except for the crop) so fingers crossed my mojo comes back.

Money, money, money

2008-11-19T18:53:00.002Z

Actually, it should be no money!!!! Unfortunately due to Stewart having had cancer before we couldn't get life insurance, we were waiting for him to be all clear (6 months more) and then at worst till he was 50 when we would get one of those policies off the tv - it always made me giggle cos June Whitfield always advertised them and she is sooooo much older than us, and I used to tease Stewart that he really was going to be old!! Well we never got there so unfortunately money is slightly tight - I have lost over 75% of our income and still have the same bills etc to pay, actually more in some ways but today was the day for being proactive and I sat down with my wonderful amazing dad and went through some of the figures. It doesn't look good to be honest, but it did make me sort out the paperwork properly and I managed to contact some of the companies who, bless them, have written off the debts in cases like the business advertising, parking fines (don't ask, I found 5 unpaid ones!!!!) and hopefully dad will sort out the rest of the business debts - however as a joint signatory on the business loan it will fall to me to pay it off so I am off to see our new business manager to see what she can do (keep you fingers crossed that the sympathy vote will win here).

I am also going to look at changing the car we have. I have had to get rid of my car cos it essentially was a 2 seater, not much use with 3 kids (I know Jamie drives but even 2 kids can't fit in) so I am left with Stewart's car, a Vectra which is too powerful, too costly, too much to insure, too fuel guzzling and too bleeding big for me to park!! Hopefully we will be able to put our car in part exchange and get something better for me which will cost me less all round.

Well I took the kids up to see Stewart. They were absolutely amazing - not a tear from any of them - can't say that about myself though! We also took Gemma to my grandparent's grave which she had never seen. The ironic thing is that they are three rows behind stewart, to the right hand side, you can actually see their graves from Stewart, so yes that set me off again, it's like they are watching over him. I managed 10 minutes chat on our own before we came home again. I must say I am so proud of my kids in so many ways.

The only major hiccup I have come across is the fact that the sponsored walk I wanted the men to do for our local hospice is women only!!! They can do a sponsored row or it's a knock out but no, no walk is available. So, what have I decided to do - organise one myself - I MUST BE MAD, I hear you cry, but why not, it can't be that difficult can it? - What have I let myself in for?????? I just need to the ok from the hospice that we can use their logo, name etc and then I will get a group of fellas together to help me organise it - and my trusty work colleague and friend, Joanna to help me (she just wants a clipboard, pen round her neck and a megaphone!!). One of my other friends, Ruth will do all the spread sheets I will need - she loves them - organises everything by spreadsheet - even her daughter's birthday party, so she'll come in useful for this!!

Right off to another finance meeting - I am getting pretty sick of them now!

It's surreal ...................... but it's wonderful

2008-11-16T09:00:00.002Z

Well, I did go to visit Stewart at the cemetery, that is once I found him. Bless the sexton at the cemetery, he'd buried him on the front row where no one else was so that he would be easy to find for the next year or so (till the row gets filled up) but I hadn't noticed that on the day of the funeral so stood there looking like a fool trying to find him, I knew he had to be there but just couldn't see him. He always said I had no sense of direction. It's really funny because I have never understood the need to visit the cemetery when someone dies, they aren't there but now I have experienced it, I realise the need to talk to something tangible is a necessity. The weather was freezing and windy and raining when I arrived, but the sun shone whilst we chatted as though he was answering me. It went back in once I walked away!!!

Things at home have plodded on with a few minor hiccups with the kids being touchy all at the same time. It's great fun I can tell you. Alex's school have brought someone in for him to talk to and he will have that for half an hour each week, she's a lovely lady called Carol and I hope it will help him through these dark hours. Jamie is being stubborn and strong at the same time and I am having to let him do things I wouldn't normally have allowed, like driving to and from Manchester on the M62 which we had agreed he wouldn't do until he'd been driving longer, but I know he needs his independence - it is just giving me more grey hairs with worry tho. Gemma isn't too bad as long as she is busy - nights are still awful and always filled with tears but we will get through it.

Last night I had a wonderful but surreal experience. A friend and her daughters came to visit and have a takeaway which was great. My friend is a spiritualist who has passed on to me a couple of messages but last night she was here just as a friend. However, when all of a sudden she started to laugh and said that Stewart was sat in the chair and determined to give me some messages!!! He always interrupted my conversations with friends so this was no different to normal. She passed on various messages with only a couple that I couldn't get but he mentioned the fact he always had "hairbrained schemes" and that I was the one that kept his feet on the ground - that was the exact term he used during one of our many conversations when we knew he was ill and something that no-one else had known. She told me many things even describing places we had been away together, again something she wouldn't know as she only really knows me through Gemma and only met Stewart twice!!! She also told me to get rid of the joggy bottoms he wore, he couldnt understand why I was keeping them - well we had emptied one set of drawers in our room for Gemma to use in her bedroom and one of the few things I couldn't get rid of were the joggy bottoms he wore in hospital - again something NO ONE knew!! Its a very surreal experience to know he is here for me, but it's wonderful too.

Today we are off to the cemetery. Gemma has been asking to visit her dad so I thought today was a good day for all of us to go up. I hope this will give us all some peace and will enable us to move forwards.

It is a long road ahead I know and I am not sure how I will do it all without Stewart, without him by my side physically. I miss everything about him, even our arguments. I miss him kissing me, cuddling me, laughing at me, laughing with me, I miss him rolling his eyes, him telling me I can't cook, actually I just miss it all. I am not sure how I can live for however long I have without him and how I live with the constant physical pain in my chest and the stomach turning that I have, but I know I have no choice. What I would give just to hold him, cuddle him, talk to him, kiss him for 5 minutes, to tell him I love him once more and hear him say he loves me too. And the hardest bit is I know there is nothing I can do to change what happened and I won't ever have these things again.

Is it only a month?

2008-11-11T06:41:00.003Z

Well it's the 11th November. A month since I lost Stewart. But it feels like forever since I saw him, touched him, talked to him, held him. The pain hasn't lessened but I have had moments where I've smiled. The kids are struggling too, Jamie is just finding he wants to be here supporting me and although he has just got back from visiting Natalie in Scotland he said he needed to be here instead, Alex is struggling to cope at school and his mood swings at home are worse than ever and Gemma is just one very sad little girl every night when she kisses her daddy's photo.

As for me, well I hate my life and although I need to carry on for the kids, I don't want to be here anymore. Without my soul mate, my best friend, my rock I feel there isnt a reason to get up in the morning. But I do and I go through the day's motions, speak to everyone, even laugh occasionally, but at the end of the day I know it will be just me going to bed and just me getting up and to be honest I hate my life.

I know that it will get better cos everyone says it does, I know that I will carry on living a life cos everyone says I will, I know that I will laugh again and smile again because I see that other's manage it, but at the moment it just feels like an uphill struggle.

I miss Stewart more than I ever could have imagined. I never realised that someone could be so part of your life that when it's taken away you feel that putting one foot in front of another is so difficult. I never realised that a month could go that slowly yet go that quickly at the same time. Where has the month gone, it is only yesterday I kissed him goodbye yet I feel as though he has been gone forever and sometimes I struggle to remember his kisses and hugs.

We have all managed firsts over the last 31 days, the kids are back to school, Jamie has been away, Jamie passed his driving test and we were happy for a moment, I went back yesterday to St Gemma's to hand a donation the synagogue had for them and to take a present. Now that was probably one of the hardest things I have done since I buried him and left him alone on a cold windy hill. Everyone remembered me and all commented what a lovely man Stewart was but it brought back so many memories and was so hard to be there without him.

I also went back to work for the day yesterday and am going in to do a job today there but I want to do another first and probably the hardest one. I want to go to the cemetery and see Stewart. I know he's not there, I know it's only the shell of him we buried but I just need to go and see him. It's the nearest I will get to touching him again and although I will be talking to a mound of soil, it's what I know I need to do at 12.30pm today, exactly one month since I lost him. I am so apprehensive and not sure I will actually do it but it is my goal for the day. That and survive till bedtime without too many tears and tantrums (from me and the kids!!)

So after this depressing post I better go and get ready for work, get the boys off on time, sort myself out, give myself a talking to to enable me to put my smiley face on for the world and I will catch up with you later.

A very proud Mum

2008-11-05T22:22:00.003Z

Well, things have been quite up and down over the past few days.

I started sorting out the loft on Monday which I thought would be awful, but actually other than the fact Stewart has collected the biggest load of rubbish, it was quite comforting. In fact I found things I didn't know we had, 4 DVD players, a tent, more cases than I can fill, an ice bucket from the 60's and so much more!!! But I did find my wedding dress, head dress and veil, the typed original of Stewart's wedding speech and a diary he wrote during the time we met which was lovely. I have managed to clear a space so that I can sort the rest of it out in the near future.

Tuesday was a down day and the kids were down too, not sure if they picked up the vibes from me but it generally was a tough day.

And today, well what a day. Jamie had his first driving test which had been booked just before Stewart got ill. He stayed at home today and the nerves kicked in for us both. However, the best thing was that HE PASSED and I am so incredibly proud of him. Not only did he pass but he did it in style with only 3 minors. I had a few tears that his dad isn't here to see his achievement, especially one where he would have been so incredibly proud but I know he is looking down with a smile on his face. He is on a high tonight, having picked his brother up from the bus, driven to get me milk and see his grandma and then onto a friends we were at for dinner. He is still up and still has a smile on his face. The picture below shows how happy he is (sorry for the hair and beard but as he can't shave or have his hair cut during the first month of bereavement there isn't much we can do!!).

3 weeks

2008-11-01T12:13:00.002Z

Well, it is nearly exactly to the minute 3 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. It has been a roller coaster of a ride since then with emotions being high on the agenda. The kids are still amazing even though we have had some difficult days. It is so hard dealing with them without the support of Stewart behind them. When they are being argumentative or rude there is no one else to back me up, no one else to support me through it and no one else who can hold me and tell me they will be ok. I have cried most days but the mornings and evenings are the worst along with weekends, especially saturdays.

I couldn't face going to the synagogue today. It's so hard to be there when I know it is so many weeks exactly since Stew died. Every saturday is a milestone which makes it a hard day to get through. I feel as though every day I get through is another day nearer to me being with him again. How depressing is that thought - that all I want is to get through the rest of my life so that I can die and be in his arms again. I know that I have to learn to live my life again but I cannot imagine how I will do that with the pain that I feel. My heart physically hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots. It's that sinking feeling when I realise that Stewart is not out working or upstairs on the computer but that he never ever ever coming back.

I have started to ring his mobile just to hear his voice on the answerphone but actually it isn't a comfort just upsetting but I still do it. It's the last thing I have of him and I know that I have the kids but I want him here by my side.

There have been good moments over the past few weeks and I am lucky that the support of my family and friends is continuing. I am still having constant visitors which keeps me busy and makes the days easier but going into our bedroom at night just breaks my heart. I just miss him so much that words can't express it.

The support for the Race for Life 2009 walk/run that I want to do next year in his memory is gaining momentum and have so many women and girls offering to run it with me that it is incredible. I am hoping to also walk the Midnight Hospice Walk on May 16th with the kids and with the men folk who want to support me to raise money for St Gemma's. I hope I can make 100 men for that and 200 women for the Race for Life. That should give a huge boost to both Cancer Research and St Gemmas and will be a legacy in stewarts name. I also hope to get tshirts sponsored so that every member of "Team Stewart" will wear his photo and name and make me a very proud lady.

I have really rambled on today, sorry, but my thoughts aren't really straight, this time 3 weeks ago he was still just breathing and still with me, i cannot imagine how I will get over this devastation.

A Way Forward

2008-10-29T06:59:00.002Z

Having re-read yesterday's post and the wonderful comments and support I have received from it, I realise that yesterday in total was a really crappy day.

On top of waking up very low emotionally, my brother came round to start sorting out Stewart's van. It was so hard to watch someone else go through what essentially was Stewart's domain. I know in order to sell the stock etc it is a necessity but that made it no less hard to watch. He did it with such tact and care that it made the start of a difficult job easy and when last night he told me he had priced up one box of stuff at over £1000 I hope we will get enough money to pay back some of the outstanding bills left over.

There were many tears yesterday, but by last night I realised I had to put my grief into something positive and having spoken to my daughter we realised that the first way forward was to run or actually walk the Race for Life 2009 in Stewart's memory. However, me being me I wasn't just going to do it with Gemma, no, I am trying to get 100 possibly 200 women together to run or walk the race as part of a team in his name. There are two dates usually in Leeds so hopefully this will give more people the opportunity to do at least one date and Gemma and I will do both of them.

I started by facebooking everyone I knew locally and a few further away, I then emailed everyone in my email address book and lo and behold this morning, some 10 hour later I have in the region of 50 people signed up to join me subject to the dates being right. Some are bringing their daughters, some their mothers, some their sisters but once again I am humbled by the support of the people I know. My family, my friends, my acquaintences are all amazing people. I have been offered some publicity free on a local radio station and I am hoping to get a sponser so that we can all wear a tshirt with Stewart's picture on - he would have laughed at that and the fact that I am walking not one but two races, neither of us being particularly fit or sporty people!!!

I hope I can put some of my grief into a good cause and if I am allowed by the Race for Life organisers I would like to split the money between Cancer Research and St Gemma's hospice, if not then the next fundraiser, and there will be one, will be for St Gemma's.

We have already come up with a disco in Stewart's name but due to our religious restrictions this can't be within the first year as we are not supposed to dance to music or listen to live music and I would like to get a live band to go with the disco (Stewart was a DJ for over 25 years so this seems to be a fitting tribute). There are so many other things we can do to raise money and I hope with this in mind, I can life the darkness that is hanging over me and the kids and we can use our emotions to a good cause.

17 days

2008-10-28T06:49:00.004Z

Yes it's been 17 days since I lost my darling Stewart. Doesn't sound much does it, a fortnights holiday plus a bit, half a month, 17 days. Yet it feels like eternity. I have only ever been away from Stewart for 5 days on the run and I constantly spoke to him and I knew he was joining me at the end. The feeling like he has been gone forever is the most difficult. I suppose I really lost him when he went into hospital the first time because he was only home again for 5 days and for 3 of those he was really poorly. Although during his stay in hospital he was quite well once the pain medication kicked in, it isn't the same as just being together. The 5 minutes we had cuddled on the bed behind the closed curtains was really the last close, intimate moment we shared and although we managed the odd cuddle for a couple of seconds in St Gemma's he really wasn't well by that stage.

He was always my support, my rock and without him I am missing an important part of my life. It's like I've lost my right arm and everything I do is impossibly hard.

The feeling of true pain from the morning when I wake up to the time sleep takes me over is unbearable and yes, I admit there are moments it isn't as intense but it's there all the time. I know that I will learn to live alongside this pain later, as others do, but at the moment it is all a bit too much to bear.

However, to add to everything it all seems to be sinking in with the kids and the financial situation we find ourselves in is kicking in here at home.

The boys went back to school yesterday and joined the morning prayers at school in order to recite the "Kaddish" - mourners prayer they are to say daily for a year. It was a difficult time for them both as obviously they are the only ones (thank god) in this position and for a large school it makes them stand out. I had rung the school in the morning before they got there to try and ensure the teaching staff were aware of the situation, however there were teachers who didn't know and this caused some difficult moments for the boys. The younger kids asked Alex constantly about the situation yesterday leaving him feeling very stressed which he doesn't cope with too well. For Jamie, the realisation that his dad isn't coming back hit him. Travelling home ont he M62 you pass the cemetery on your left hand side in full view and that really really hurt him. I cannot imagine what my boys are going through at the moment and feel totally useless to help them through, but I am trying. Gemma has had a couple of quiet and tearful days as she realised that daddy isn't here and won't be, she even commented how he wouldn't see her grow up. How on earth do I help my kids when I feel the way I do, I have no answers other than to say we must love and support each other. I feel so totally helpless.

To add to the awful situation, money is very tight. We had no life insurance for Stewart as we had claimed the first time he had cancer and no one would re-insure him - obviously for good reason now and we were hoping to get him to 50 years old so that we could take out one of those policies you see advertised. However, that day didn't come so I have a mortgage and all the bills to deal with which without his income is more than I can afford. With the support of my mum and dad, my MIL who for the first time in our lives has become the sort of MIL you should have and is ringing daily, and the benefits agency, we will get through but it is so hard at 40 to be taking from others. We were an independent couple who although had high outgoings were managing to pay back their loans regularly. I just feel as though i am up to my neck in debt with no way out. I cannot keep taking money from my parents, it just isn't right so I am hoping that once I have sold his business and paid some of the loans etc we will be able to keep our heads above water.

Sorry that this post is a rant, not what I actually meant it to turn into but I suppose sometimes you just have to offload. The support of my family and friends is phenominal but there are things I just can't voice to them. I am so angry, so upset, so hurt, so lost, so frightened and I don't know how to deal with it all. I am usually a coper, an organiser, bossy and strong but that seems to have all gone away - I am not the person I thought I would be in this situation and feel so incredibly weak. I just need his arms around me and him to whisper it will be fine - I just need my rock.

Up days and Down days

2008-10-23T15:52:00.002+01:00

Hi again, been told off by my fellow LPD for not updating my blog and offloading so here goes!!!

Well the good news is Boo is settling in nicely and sleeping through the night. Not really getting the housetraining yet but has learnt to "sit" today so that's something. He is so sweet and brings so much joy to the family.

As for the rest, well I am ok when I have visitors and it's wonderful that I have had so many. In fact I have thought about putting a revolving door in the front of the house to help the flow but maybe security would be an issue!! Yesterday was a tough one for my eldest, Jamie and last night we talked and talked and cried and cried. But this morning was one of those days you just want to hide under the covers. It is my first really really bad day and I can't seem to get my mood to lift, although the many visitors who have been round today have helped. It is the fact that I cannot imagine living my life without Stewart but have to, that is making me feel so angry, guilty, hurt etc - I really do understand the saying "dying of a broken heart" because without the children that is exactly what I would do. I have a huge hole in my chest which is a physical pain and it is there every second of every day. The only relief I get is when I smell the aftershave Stewart used to wear, I have sprayed it onto his pillow which I sleep with every night. I know it's not him but it's the best I have.

I have managed to findd the Cruse Bereavement website and having read some of their pamphlets feel a little better that my feelings are "normal". I am not ready for bereavement counselling but maybe just maybe it will help me in time.

A picture of Boo

2008-10-21T00:27:00.003+01:00

Ok, it's only 1 little picture but it shows you why we fell in love with Boo. We have had a busy day today with loads and loads of visitors, not sure whether they have come to see me or Boo but as long as we are all kept busy we seem to be coping a little. Nights and mornings are the worst but spraying Stewart's aftershave onto a pillow for me to cuddle seems to help (and Gemma has one too!). Jamie is a bit brighter as his girlfriend is up from Scotland for a couple of days and Alex is just Alex, wonderful. Gemma has gone to Manchester to stay with her friend so tomorrow morning there will be just me in the house (with Boo of course) for the first time which should be interesting!! Will update more later.

A reason to smile just a little

2008-10-19T07:09:00.002+01:00

Well, we've done it, we made it, we're through it - what you may ask, well the first week without Stewart. It's been hard, there has been tears and laughter and shouting but we have done it together.

We started the day off by going to the Synagogue for the sabbath service, something that will become a regular occurance now the boys say "Kaddish" - the memorial prayer, every day. It was hard because the last time I was there was when we all went with Stewart for New Year. Yes there were tears but we were supported by all the family who came to join us. I cannot express the gratitude to them all.

However, the house is incredibly quiet, no Stewart and no Harley and although you can't compare the two, the house feels empty without the two of them here - it's like a double whammy on the grieving and quiet front. So what do I do yesterday ................................... we got a puppy!

Before anyone asks, he's to replace Harley not Stewart :) but I am hoping that he gives us a reason to continue and to smile and we have something to look forward to daily as opposed to only having something to dwell on.

He is soooooo small, soooooo sweet and is called Boo - why Boo? Well when I met Stewart many many moons ago one of the songs he told me he liked was "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo" - so there may not be the Me and You but there is a dog named Boo in this house :)

Admittedly Alex asked if we could call him Stewart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! didn't think that was a good idea at all - can you imagine peoples faces asking them in and if they'd like to see Stewart!

He's been wonderful but it's so funny when he wants your attention because he squeaks, he sounds like sweep off sooty and sweep! As I type this he is playing with one of the toys we bought him yesterday - he is happily shaking and chewing this bright pink monkey - he hasn't bitten it on the squeaky bit yet - that will be funny to see. Yes I am cleaning up the accidents but cos he is so small they are only little so I can cope. He is so inquisitive and funny that although my heart is still so very heavy, I can smile a little and now I have something to cuddle and kiss again.

Amazed, Overwhelmed and Humbled

2008-10-16T22:53:00.002+01:00

Those are the three words I would use to explain how I feel after the past week.

I cannot believe the support we have received during our week of mourning. The memories of Stewart by so many people have been amazing. We have had visitors constantly during the week and in the evenings for prayers and it has been a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by so much love. I am totally humbled by the love that people felt for Stewart during his life and in some ways feel guilty for not realising what a totally amazing and wonderful man I was married to. He has touched so many people's lives in so many ways, from DJ'ing at their special events, being a friendly and efficient electrician and generally being a good friend to all. The letters and cards we have received are coming in a constant stream from people from so many backgrounds that it is amazing.

My children have been phenominal and I (and I know their dad) am so incredibly proud of them. They are a credit to us and more so a credit to themselves.

Tomorrow's Jewish Telegraph is running an obituary on Stewart with quotes from many leading figures in our community and once again I cannot believe so many people want to voice their feelings, and to top it all it will be front page news - something that has blown me away but made me the proudest wife in the world.

There will also be the announcements from the family to read through and I am sure there will be many tears shed over it tomorrow.

At the moment I veer from crying, to laughing, to angry, to numb and tomorrow is the start of a normal life again - it will be a totally different normal to the past 20 years because of course the most important person in our lives will be missing but I know that we have to start to get our lives in order and start living. It will take a long time for me to get out in the normal world but for the kids the routine of school, homework and socialising must begin again. They have their whole lives ahead of them and must grasp every opportunity they can. As for me, well who knows. I have the most amazing family and friends supporting me and as one friend said to me tonight, we will hoist you back up and even give you a huge shove up if we have to.

I miss Stewart with every bone in my body and with every breath that I take, I am still waiting for him to walk in through the door and shout "hello doll" at me and the hardest thing is that I know that I won't ever hear that again. He is my light and the has been the reason for everything I do and I know that I have to focus on the positives now and the future, but I also know that it will be the hardest challenge I have ever faced.

Stewart, you were everything to me and I miss you so much. I miss the smile you gave just to me, the hugs and the kisses and the safety I always felt in your arms. You were the sunshine of my life and I hope that you are safe and happy and free from pain and that you will watch over all of us and keep us safe. RIP my darling. xxxx (remember sweetheart that I will love you forever and a day).

Laid to rest

2008-10-13T01:41:00.002+01:00

Well all I can say is the past 48 hours have been surreal. From midnight Friday night when Stewart worsened to now has gone by in a haze.

I am grateful that we had the time to say how we felt about each other and I am grateful he didn't suffer for longer than he did, but I am so sad that he isn't here, he was truly my best friend.

He died in my arms, just the two of us, just as we had wanted. He managed to tell me he loved me during the night and told the kids that he loved them and always would when they visited early on Saturday morning. He had love surrounding him the whole time he was ill, but none more so than those last few hours.

The nursing staff at St Gemma's were amazing and gave us all the support we needed to get through those first few hours. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I have ever done, but getting into bed last night knowing he would never be there again was so difficult.

My children have amazed me with their maturity and care and their promise to be there for me.

The funeral was held today (we bury our dead within 24 hours) and I had requested that the hearse brought Stewart home before we set off for the funeral. We then went to the synagogue where there must have been 100 people, but nothing could have prepared me for the number of people at the funeral at the cemetery. It is estimated there were between 400 - 500 people, I have to admit I didn't realise we knew that many people. Not only were. all our family and friends here - some travelling from the other ends of the country but all the clergy from Leeds were there - and between them all they took the service, something I have never seen done in all my years and truly a great honour. The honour continued when Stewart was lowered to his final resting place by four Rabbis - again something that only ever happens for other members of the clergy. Our sons recited loud and clear the mourners prayer at the grave side, so heartbreaking to watch them aged 17 and 14 having to do this. It took over 1 1/2 hours for the mourners to file through the hall to pass their condolences on to us, something that usually only takes 20 minutes tops.

Tonight was our one night of "shiva" - prayers as tomorrow night is a festival which cancels out the other 6 days. To sit in my sisters house, which to be honest is fairly large, and to watch the queue of people up the driveway and down the road waiting to come in and pay their respects was overwhelming. Not only did we fill the house with people, including the kitchen, but also the garden, the driveway and partially the pavement outside. People came from all over but to see the support the kids had, especially Jamie whose friends all came over from Manchester was amazing. Even three of the Rabbi's that were on the trip he took in the Summer were there. Mind blowing is all I can say.

The prayers were recited by my dad, one of the clergy who is like an uncle to me (his eldest daughter is one of my oldest (not age but in long standing) friends, and a speech given by the Rabbi I work with was amazing. The speech was so spot on, Rabbi Levy had Stewart down to a tee, his words were moving and funny and he even made a point of talking directly to Gemma at one point to connect with her - he also lost his mother aged 9 - all of which made an amazing speech in memory of my darling husband. No one could ask for more.

I have to say that the emails of comments from here, emails from UKsers, my amazing and wonderful family and friends have given us all strength, but to see so many people come to pay their last respects is mind blowing. As I said to Alex, when we are down we have to think of today and be proud that the man who obviously touched so many people was our daddy and my husband and we are the lucky ones to have been part of his life.

Stewart was a large man, in stature and in size but he was a true gentle giant. I have heard things about him in the last 24 hours that I never knew and I am so proud to have him choose me as his wife and to have spent the last 20 years with him.

I will be at my sisters for the next week so that visitors can call and prayers (without the memorial bit added) can be said so that the boys can continue to say the mourners prayers (which they are required to do every day for a year) in the comfort of family and friends before stretching out to the synagogue with all it's members.

Once again thank you for your supportive and warming messages. I am a lucky lady, not just because I have shared my life with someone so special, but because of all of you.

Stewart 9.3.61 - 11.10.08

2008-10-11T19:14:00.001+01:00

Just a short post to say that at 12.30pm today, Stewart sadly passed away.

I will update this blog again later in the week.

Just a note

2008-10-09T23:29:00.002+01:00

to say that today has been so busy. The consultant came again to see us this morning and went over everything with Stewart again. Afterwards we talked privately and he basically said that 2 weeks was probably not possible as Stew had continued to deteriorate and a few days was more likely. Everytime I think we have had the worst news, I am wrong and there is more to come. The kids came and I explained that it is vital they spend as much time with their daddy as they could. Jamie has had a good day with him, and they have managed to talk to each other on and off (well more off as stewart keeps drifting).

The visitors that have managed to make their way here today, especially today on such an important day - the day of atonement which is the highest of holy days - is incredible. Family, friends, some acquaintances and more have been coming throughout the day and I am really exhausted. But one of the most moving moments tonight was our friend Richard sat with Stewart for over 1/2 an hour on his own whilst his wife Debs and I had a drink. I am amazed at his courage and support.

I have also got such respect for my family - all of them - but my brother, sister, brother in law and eldest neice, have been amazing today and David has given me so much support. It's a long story but things haven't always been that good between my sister, brother in law and me - the last year or so has been difficult and about 3 months ago we sorted ourselves out enough to be a family again. However this situation has changed the dynamics of everything and close and supportive are two words that do not do justice to what I feel they have been.

Anyway, a short note has gone on and on so I will get myself off to bed - the bed that I wanted - a double bed to share with Stewart!!! Night Night

Just not enough time

2008-10-08T22:45:00.002+01:00

Well today has certainly been the worst day of my life. Having had the consultant round with the blood test results, which show Stewart's bilirubin (sp???) levels are very high, it seems that the cancer in the pancreas has grown and is blocking the liver causing severe jaundice and other problems. Stewart is really really not well. I then met privately with the consultant and we agreed that unfortunately stewart is just not well enough for any surgery or anything and therefore it is time to make him comfortable and let nature take it's course. Unfortunately it means we only have 2 weeks at most to have him here and probably only a few days of him being aware of us.

Obviously I rang my dad immediately (well he is always calm in a crisis) and mum turned up with a sandwich and I have to admit to crying my heart out. What a shite life this is and so totally totally unfair - I am sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo angry that within 2 weeks I will have lost the love of my life and the father of my kids. Telling them has been awful and I have made the difficult decision to sleep at St Gemma's from now onwards, which leaves the children alone a bit which worries me but I also know I can't lose a second from the time we have left together. It's a difficult one but my kids are settled tonight and will be here tomorrow.

I think I will organise somewhere for Gemma to stay, like at a friends for a bit, and then sort out the boys who break up for 2 weeks on Friday anyway. Jamie has cancelled his trip to Scotland but his girlfriend is coming here instead for a couple of days and Alex has cancelled his first "night away" in Manchester but I know that they need to spend as much time as possible with their dad over the next few days.

I am sat here in St Gemma's watching Stew and knowing that every second is one second nearer the end. I know I don't want him to suffer but he is and that is really really hard. I hope they come and set up the new pain medication shortly and that he may get a better nights sleep which may help his concentration and speech tomorrow.

Good night all, I am about to tuck myself into bed, however tomorrow the hospice is bringing in another bed to fit alongside Stewart's so that we can be together and the kids can curl up (well as near as they will let him) alongside him for some last minute treasured moment.

Shit happens!!!

2008-10-08T07:09:00.002+01:00

Not sure whether that is an appropriate title or a totally appropriate title.

Without going into too much detail, we managed to have a result on the bowel front!! However, the pain didn't subside so Stewart went back into St Gemma's yesterday. They were gobsmacked by the speed of his deterioration but it was lovely to be in the care of the same wonderful nurses we had last time, they have even managed to get him another room on his own which will allow him some privacy at least.

His spirits are very low and I don't think I helped when I started a discussion with him last night about some of the morbid things we need to discuss at the moment. I think he realises that this doesn't look promising, that the chemo due in 10 days may not happen but he had a good cry. I also promised him I would be with him every step of the way and not leave him when the time comes and that he has my blessing at the end not to fight against it but to go peacefully and that although I will give the kids time to say goodbye, it will just be him and me at the end, I think a fitting end to our wonderful 20 years together. I did really well and didn't cry until he said he had wanted to grow old with me and that was it, the floodgates opened and although I was upset, he couldn't even find the strength to hold me.

I have accepted that we are on the slippery slope towards the end (unless a huge miracle happens) and that in some ways he has already gone, but this morning I am determined to put the fight back into him and make whatever time we have a happy one.

Sorry my news at the moment is depressing but I thank you for all your love and wishes, it really does help.

Sorry it's taken so long

2008-10-07T08:17:00.003+01:00

It was only when I signed in this morning to update my blog that I realised I hadn't blogged for a couple of days. Well what a couple of days. Sunday I went to work leaving Stewart sat on the settee with the telly for company. Jamie was refereeing and Alex was looking after Gemma. I had put a notice up on the door of the house to say no visitors till after 1pm, giving me time to come home from work. But what did I find when I got here, a visitor safely ensconsed on our armchair chatting to Stewart - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!

The afternoon was filled with visitors and by tea time Stew was shattered and went to bed. I spent the rest of the evening tidying the house!!!!

However, he had a bad night with lots of pain so by Monday morning I knew I had to ring St Gemmas up which I did. They contacted Julia, the community paliative care nurse who was due to see us yesterday afternoon and I spoke to her and the doctor (who'd I promised to report in about bowel movements to - it's fun being in my house I can tell you!!!!) who both called the district nurses in.

Stewart decided bed was the only place for him so after his tablets he settled down for some extra sleep whilst I was visited by my wonderful friend, Marie (of the wonderful cakes) from the Paper Dolls, who brought all her stuff with her to give me a pedicure - well at least that's one way of making me sit down!!!! It was amazing, she is amazing and I am so grateful to her for the love and the laughter she brought to the house.

My wonderful brother also played his part yesterday rushing to and from doctors and chemists to get perscriptions for Stewart during the day.

Well Julia called as promised at 12.15pm and we had a wonderful chat together. She made me realise that I don't have to be strong, I am not getting it wrong with the kids - just doing the best I can, and generally being my fairy godmother. Once the district nurses arrived (they were amazing too to both stew and I) to administer enemas (told you it was all fun here!!) we decided that with the enemas and the movicol to work from the top, if nothing had happened by this morning then Stew should go back to St Gemma's to get sorted. This way we will know if the extra pain is due to the bowels or the cancer spreading. Unfortunately, although I know the bowels are a huge problem my fear is that the cancer is spreading rapidly. He has so many new lumps and bumps and the ones he has just keep getting bigger that I am not sure if we should could continue chemo, but we will wait a week to decide that one.

So the result of all the medicines - NOUGHT, ZERO, NOTHING and bless him, he has been in pain all night with me running up and downstairs getting milk, medicine etc for him. So I am waiting for the 8.30 deadline and then I have to ring to get him back in!!!

I know I have tried my best but I am disappointed that I can't cope with having him home, but looking after him for 24/7 is such hard work when I have the kids to sort out too. I feel like I am grieving already as the Stewart that is here at the moment isn't my Stewart at all.

Well, I've rung Julia and she has a meeting regarding admissions at 9am and will ring me back but it looks like we are on the move again!!!! I will try and update you all later if I get a chance.

Saturday night (but not at the movies!!)

2008-10-04T23:24:00.002+01:00

Well, today has been slightly better than expected. Stewart has had a relatively quiet day - his mum visited him this morning and without going into details it was a difficult visit for me. Unfortunately they haven't been talking for many years, in fact most of our time together, and although I know he is delighted to have her back in his life I am finding it difficult, especially when she doesn't seem to actually care about me or the kids. I kept them out of the way for this visit, not sure why other than i don't want critisism from her or more importantly, for them to get hurt when she disappears out of our lives again. However, I have been told by a family member (on Stewart's side) who has spoken to her that she regrets what has happened but doesn't know how to make it better - well speaking to me would be good. Mind you, in fairness she did throw a bunch of flowers at me when she arrived so maybe that is her way of speaking to me!!!

A quiet afternoon was had by us all and I zonked out on the settee for 2 hours but feel much better for it. My good friend Debra rang later on for a chat and made me giggle as she always does. She really is the best medicine I have, along with my other friends, cos they keep me feeling sane.

Our friends Bev & Andrew came for a chinese takeaway this evening and it was lovely when all 4 of us sat round the dining room table and it felt so normal. Andrew even rescued me from a spider, so will keep him on call for that job cos neither of my boys are any good with things like that!!!!

Stewart gave in after about an hour and a half and went to bed but he had done well tonight. He's a bit grumpy tonight but he's had his tablets and medicines and hopefully will have a good nights sleep.

I am working tomorrow and a bit worried about leaving him with Alex and Gemma but I am only a phone call away and I might ask my mum or dad to pop in at 11ish to check on them. Jamie is refereeing but at 9.30 so should be home for 12 I hope. I need to go to Argos tomorrow to get a dictaphone cos he wants to make tapes for the kids for them to listen to later on.

I am off out to get bagels from the bakery so that will save me a trip out in the morning and give me valuable sleep time and getting prepared for work time!!

Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.

Friday night update

2008-10-03T22:15:00.002+01:00

Sorry I've not been on but since Stewart has been home my feet haven't touched the ground.

Wednesday night was ok, Stew tried to sleep on the settee sitting up in the hope it would ease his eye problems but it didn't :(

Thursday wasn't a good day for either of us. Stewart was on a lot of extra painkillers and I had an overly emotional day. I think the responsibility of looking after Stewart for 24/7 just overwhelmed me and all the fears of him dying, me not looking after him well enough, not being a good enough mum and dad to the kids got a bit much but by the evening I was brighter. Stewart just about coped through the day but didn't eat much and had absolutely no energy.

Today was a better one for me but Stewart really isn't good. Our care worker from St Gemma's rang to introduce herself and felt that we needed to review his pain relief. After talking to the doctors at St Gemma's we decided a visit from our GP was necessary, and bless him Dr Fellerman (or Dr Simon as the kids call him) was there within an hour. He has upped the pain relief patches, changed the laxative cos he thinks that this is the problem which is causing the pain (sorry if too much info), and gave him eyedrops. However, tonight he really isn't well at all and I feel totally helpless and I don't know what to do. Maybe he shouldn't be here and I don't know if I am keeping him here for my sake or his. We will have to see how tonight goes but if he is no better then I think I have to accept that maybe he needs proper nursing. It's breaking my heart but I have to make sure he is not in pain. The kids are playing up a bit too and I am sure it's cos they are finding it hard having him here. It's a no win situation really and I just hope tomorrow is a better day and we can keep him here.

I am at a loss what to do and feel so incredibly low. Maybe tomorrow we need to keep the visitors to the minimum and let him totally rest up and see how he is tomorrow night.

Sorry it's a depressing post tonight, just the way I am feeling. I've been trying to have a shower all day and still haven't managed it and can't now cos I need to be around for Stewart, I just feel my life has stopped and I am living his death with him. You wouldn't put a dog through what he is going through but there is nothing I can do to help him and it really really hurts. He is so painfully thin, having lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and I just hope that he picks up with the new drinks and things get better.

Thank you once again for following my journey.

He's Home

2008-10-01T12:29:00.002+01:00

Now how excited am I? I brought Stewart home today to stay - the list of drugs is enormous and I've done a spreadsheet for it (my friend Ruth will be overjoyed at that) but I am so pleased to have him home and know he's here for as long as possible. It also means that life will start to resemble normal again in a way.

I am determined to be strict about visitors, especially as his immune system will start to diminish in the next day or so but I am so happy at the moment (which is something I have forgotten how to be).

Well let's hope that September is gone and with it the horrible time we are having. I know the prognosis isn't going to go away but at least now he's home we can live our lives as best we can and try to live for the moment and not have the weight of the situation on our shoulders all the time.

Right off to make a cuppa and put my feet up for a bit.

Happy New Year

2008-09-30T23:52:00.002+01:00

Well today has been a good day, if emotional. It is the Jewish New Year, one of the most important days of the Jewish calendar and Stewart was determined to go to the synagogue today. So I went down early to help him shower and brought him home to get dressed (he didn't leave the hospice naked, I promise, but needed appropriate clothing - his joggy bottoms and tshirt were not really appropriate). Then all 5 of us went to the synagogue together. Stewart went in a wheelchair but nevertheless we went in together and the boys sat together and Gemma and I sat with my mum. I was exceptionally tearful looking down at my men, (including my dad) all sat together and knowing that it may be the last time I see them like that. So many people came up to both of us to wish us well and there weren't too many tilted heads (even tho my friend Malcolm, purposefully tilted his head to such an extent it must have been painful - but it made me giggle).

Stewart only managed an hour but it was a wonderful hour and I then brought him (with Gemma) home for a rest. Within 5 minutes of sitting on the settee he was fast asleep (nothing new there then!!) but I felt so relaxed knowing he was here where he belonged. I even managed an MSN conversation with my fellow LPD's Kirsty and Hazel during this brief break too which was wonderful and made me feel I was nearly back in the land of the living.

We then went to my sisters for a family lunch which was wonderful. Just to be surrounded by those we love on such an important day was special. Unfortunately by 4.30pm stewart had had enough and was shattered and I brought him home again to change but then had to take him back to the hospice. That was really hard and I didn't want to leave him there tonight. However, the brilliant news is that as long as he has a fairly good night tonight we can bring him home tomorrow and keep him here as long as he copes with his medication and pain levels. So I have been tidying round like mad, even sorting the fridges and freezers out so I know where everything is, in happy anticipation of a day I was beginning to doubt would happen. I know that once he is home he will start by sleeping downstairs where he can sleep comfortably upright which will help his eye, but I hope it won't be too long before I can curl up in bed beside him.

My friends continue to be a constant support to me, phoning me right up to late in the evening to ensure we are all doing ok.

The kids and I had a very long chat together tonight, discussing various issues with regards to how we are all dealing with this and after about an hour it finished with Jamie suggesting a family hug. I know my children are my future and without them I wouldn't want to continue, but I also managed to admit to them my feelings regarding losing Stewart and they spoke about how they feel about the time they have left with their Dad. I hope by being honest with them, laughing with them and crying with them I am giving them the security to know it is ok to be sad but equally it is ok to be happy. There are no instructions on how you do this bit of the job and I hope I am not scarring them for life.

On a positive note to end, today is the last day of September (ok, by the time this is posted it will be October but lets not split hairs). Stewart was diagnosed with the cancer on the 1st September, then diagnosed as terminally ill, then we had to tell to the kids, then we had to foster out the dog, then my parent's dog was put down so I am hoping that we will contain the bad news to the month of September and October will give us reason to smile and increase our hopes.

I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Healthy New Year (even to my non-jewish friends) and may we all have our health, our families round us and our dreams come true.

How much more

2008-09-29T23:08:00.002+01:00

can go wrong for our family?????

Saturday night and Stewart has a really bad night, waking two or three times with pain which they cannot get under control. By the time I arrive on Sunday morning at 8.30am he looks awful. Unfortunately I have to work so after speaking to the nurses who promised to give him more pain relief, I went to work. It was a busy morning being the last Sunday before the Jewish New Year and unfortunately I had to arrange a funeral for a member of the synagogue who also happened to be the father of an old friend. It's difficult enough at the best of times but I found it so much harder this time.

On returning straight after work, I found Stewart was just exhausted and still in some pain and the doctor was called. She was wonderful and after chatting to us both it was decided a pain relief injection would be the quickest route to getting Stew back on track, and it worked but the whole day the exhaustion meant that except for getting up for an odd cigarette, he stayed in bed and didn't really want to talk to anyone. However, late afternoon and we had a room full of people cheering him up - it was lovely to see Fiona and Mark from Manchester (who had had Gemma to stay overnight), Brian, Tony, Debra, Carole and Dave and various others too.

We also had a very special moment occur. Unfortunately with our many house moves we had lost our Ketubah (Jewish Marriage Certificate) and had arranged to have a new one signed. Rabbi Kleiman and Rev. Michael Saville came to see us and due to a small error on the certificate, the head of the Beth Din (Jewish Court), Dayan Refson had to redo the Ketubah and bring it in. Stewart had to accept the Ketubah again (which is the equivalent of making the vows in church, where you promise to love and look after your wife) and the Ketubah was signed. It was then handed to Stewart who, by tradition, then hands it to me. It was like getting married all over again but without the fuss and there was no wedding dress either!! However, it was a very moving moment that after 18 years of marriage he was willing to commit to me again. We have joked that we have got married again - and I would do it again for real if I could too.

I spent the day running to and from the hospital sorting the kids out and looking after stewart and stayed with him till 10.30pm when the nurse and I persuaded him to take a relaxation pill to help him through the night.

This morning when I rang I was greeted by a cheery good morning which was lovely. Unfortunately because of the bad night previously we had to accept he wasn't coming home with us today but we managed to have a good day despite that. I even went out for a bite to eat with my sister and mum and had a lovely time. This afternoon the doctor came and confirmed that tomorrow (Tuesday) Stew could be picked up early for a day out with me so that he could attend the synagogue for a while to celebrate the New Year and to have lunch with the family. He also said that as long as he has a good day tomorrow we can hopefully bring Stewart home on Wednesday.

Unfortunately, even though there was good news, the sad news was that my parents had to have their beloved dog, Sophie, put to sleep. She was rescued 11 years ago from a life of misery and has spent the last 11 years being totally spoilt by Mum and Dad. She goes everywhere with them and even sleeps on the bottom of the bed - something our previous dogs were never allowed to do. She was a charismatic dog with enough brains for us all and although she went blind, she was still a loving and loyal dog who ruled the roost when she was with the new puppies we had all acquired over the past few years. However, the past week she has gone downhill fast and today Mum had to take her to the vets. When she rang I just sat and sobbed and although I know it was the right thing to do, it is harder to bear when we are going through so much.

I had to break the news to the kids which was so hard, haven't they had enough hardship to bear over the past 3 weeks?

Tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday are the Jewish New Year where we start to pray to G-d to inscribe us in the book of life and our prayers continue next week for Yom Kippur where we fast for 26 hours (no food and no drink) and the culminating prayer that day is where G-d decides who lives and who dies and our names our put in the book of life. For me this year, this period will be a hard one to cope with, knowing that unless G-d decides to give us a miracle, there will be no inscription for Stewart. We can only pray that little bit harder this year to repent our sins and hope that he gives Stewart and this family the miracle we so desperately want.

Facebook and Phones

2008-09-27T11:27:00.002+01:00

Ok, just a quick post that if you don't have a black sense of humour you may wish to miss.

I was talking to Jamie last week and he asked how people would get to hear that Stewart had passed away. After explaining the mechanics of a jewish community - one call and the world knows (but it's lovely really) and the fact that grandpa would make calls to out of towners, Jamie decided that it was easier to sign into facebook as his dad, and change the status to read:

Stewart is going

Stewart is going

Stewart has gone

Ok, not funny but it has tickled us an awful lot (and Stewart found it humorous too)

Jamie then came up with the fact that as he sounds just like his Dad and therefore once he has gone, he could ring up customers who haven't paid from his phone and scare the living daylights out of them!!!!

So anyone reading this that will owe us money for work Stewart has done - be warned (LOL)

Told you it was sick, but hey it's what is keeping us going and I didn't want to forget the humour that we have shared.

Chemo and catch - up

2008-09-27T11:08:00.002+01:00

Well this is the catch up bit cos I just didn't have the time or the energy yesterday to update my blog.

Yesterday was an interesting day. It started off with me having a meeting with Stewart's apprentice to try and sort out work times etc. However, having admitted to billing one of our customer's direct for a job I took him to, I provided the tools and fixtures and Stewart had come up and helped finish, I lost my temper. That is three jobs he's charged for, actually 3 jobs he's undercharged for and taken our money so that's it, no more work for him from us. I am quite calm about it at the moment but I have never been so angry with one person in my life and I told him so.

Then I had a call from Denise, a Macmillan worker who Mum knows. She talked to me for about an hour and I managed to off load quite a bit onto her.

Then into St Gemma's to see Stewart and we left for St James' at about 12.45pm. On arrival at the hospital I realised we didn't have the hospital notes with us. I sent my mum and dad off to pick them up for me (whoops, like they don't have enough to do for me!!) and we waited and waited. For some reason the chemo was late coming up which meant it was late being done!! Never mind, we weren't due anywhere! Once they had it set up at the right speed so it didn't hurt Stewart, we were set for an hour and a half of very boring conversation so I plugged stewart into his music and I went downstairs for a cuppa. Once I got down there everything started to catch up with me and I didn't feel too well, so I made myself eat something. Whilst there the wife and daughter of the gentleman who had been opposite us in the ward at St James' came and sat with me, he also isn't in a good way but it was nice to catch up with them and I think they plan to pop in at home to see us in the near future.

The trip back to St Gemma's was interesting with Stewart wretching all the way there but then he settled down for a quiet evening, and I went to my parent's to have dinner with the kids, something I promised I would do at least every Friday night. We popped back together to say goodnight and once we got home, got the kids settled for the night I went to have an early(ish night). I woke at 8am this morning which was a lie in for me and I feel so much better for it.

I am now sat at St Gemma's chatting to stew as I type this.

Profiteroles or Tiramisu - perfect ending to a lousy day

2008-09-26T01:06:00.004+01:00

To start off on a slightly humorous note - today's tilted head count was 8 - a record!!! I am really not ungrateful for all the kindness that people are showing me, but I just can't help smiling inside when someone tilts their head!!!

Well today's update - not a good day really. It started off peaceful when I arrived at 8am at the hospice. Had a meeting with the Macmillan Welfare Benefits lady, Tracy who was so helpful and filled in lots of forms with me including the dreaded disability allowance form which is just baffling, the tax credit form and the blue badge form. She is rushing them all through so that we can get some money coming in. She has also filled in a Macmillan grant application to help towards petrol costs and bills.

However, by the time I got back Stewart was not having a good day. We had a call from his apprentice who was exceptionally off hand, totally un-understanding (is that a word? it's late so apologies if not) and rude. He has managed to lose us £250 on a job by invoicing direct which means the company he worked for isn't covered by our insurance and he only charged a ridiculous amount. I have to have a meeting tomorrow morning with him to try and sort out what is going on.

We went for our clinic appointment at the hospital for bloods to be taken and to see the oncologist. I have never disliked a doctor before, but by god this one is soooooo rude and abrupt. I had taken Stewart in a wheelchair because he has trouble with his balance and to be honest he hasn't much strength and when we got in she looked at him and said "why are you in a wheelchair" - "aren't you well enough for the chemo". How we didn't walk out there and then I don't know. His notes clearly showed he'd lost another 6lbs in a week which shows he isn't well and I wasn't planning on him exhausting himself the day before chemo - stupid women. However, as the appointments are in the afternoon which is Stewart's worst time of day as he is exhausted then and the fact she was rude to us throughout it meant that by the time we got in the car, he was in a worse than foul mood. And boy did I get the brunt of it, he'd got angry with me whilst we were in with the oncologist, he got angry with me whilst we were in with the professor, he got angry that I didn't speak, he got angry when I did speak, he shouted at me all the way back to the hospice and he got angry when I wouldn't let him get the wheelchair out of the car. A lovely day actually!!!! I took him up to the room and then left him because I couldn't cope with it any longer and went for a cup of tea with a friend, met the daughter of a friend who is wonderful and actually I count her as a friend too and had another cuppa and then I decided to be brave enough to return.

I went back to meet Alex who had arrived to spend time with his dad and I spent 15 minutes with him trying to talk to him when visitors arrived so I made my excuses and headed off to pick up Gemma. She'd not had a good day either - had been very upset about everything, why did daddy have cancer, why wasn't the dog a good dog so he could stay with us, she missed her daddy, she missed me, she missed coming home after school, she missed harley - oh dear - the tears flowed. I got her inside the house and left her cuddled up with her brother and headed back to the hospice.

At least being on our own gave us chance to talk and I apologised for upsetting him and after 20 minutes of talking he admitted how angry he had been about the oncologist, his apprentice, his cancer etc and apologised to me for how he'd spoken to me. Although I understand how he feels it doesn't make it easier to deal with and I suggested that maybe now he was ready to speak to a counsellor. He actually agreed and I hope tomorrow the nurses will sort something out. They have offered me someone to talk to too so maybe we can try and get our heads straight with all this.

Having come home and filled in the rest of the necessary forms I got a text saying "profiteroles or tiramisu?" Yep, my wonderful buddy debra had been to a party and along with Elaine brought me some leftovers to have with a cuppa tonight. I couldn't have faced the party as although I knew everyone there, I would have continually had to answer questions and taken away the enjoyment of it being a party. And after today it was too much. However Debra and Elaine sat with me for over an hour and chatted and laughed and drank tea (and Debra acquired 2 hats too!!!)

So I am off to bed and so not looking forward to tomorrow, the meeting with his apprentice, the chemo and everything else that seems to be going on - all I know is that tonight I am shattered.

4 tilted heads, 3 clergy and some wonderful friends

2008-09-25T06:57:00.006+01:00

Ok, not an original title but it sums up yesterday so well.

Yesterday started well, with Stewart answering his phone in a happy and boyant mood. I visited him in the morning before going to work and he'd eaten a good sized breakfast and we decided that he should have a restful morning with no visitors whilst I was out.

I managed 3 hours at work without crying which I thought was pretty good but a question did arise, why when people see you do they talk to you with tilted heads. They come up to you, put their head to one side and say "how are you" or "I am sorry". I don't mind them talking to me, but why the tilted head. It's got to the point that now I've noticed it, it is more obvious and unfortunately, having giggled with a friend about it, it is more obvious. In fact I regularly update my friend, Debra, on how many tilted heads we have in a day. I was speaking to one of the nurses about it, and she'd noticed it too but we don't know why people do it. However, it will be something I am aware of in the future and I will make sur that my head stays straight whenever I talk to people. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm not, I just need to find humour in the strangest places!!!

After work I went back to Stewart and the visitors started coming. We missed one of our Rabbi's who had visited whilst we had lunch, but my best and oldest (not in age but in duration) friend, Elaine visited on return from her holiday. She is wonderful and really gave stewart a talking to about misbehaving and putting us through it all - it was lovely that although you could tell she cared, she didn't do the tilted head and sympathy bit but was just herself, which gave Stewart a lift. I think all the sympathy is wearing and he wants to be treated and joked with like we do normally. He husband, a good friend too, is wanting to visit but she made us giggle by saying although he is desperate to visit Stewart he won't take time off work and he'll come at the weekend. If you knew Yaacov you'd understand but as a self employed joiner, we understand too and it just makes you smile when you are treated normally.

During the afternoon we had the Rabbi from our synagogue and his lovely wife visit (I was at school with him so it is more like having a friend to visit than clergy) along with the Cantor from the synagogue where I work (who brought Stewart granny smith apples as I had told him he liked them, but he didn't know what they were so had had to go in and ask at the fruit shop), at the same time our friend, who works at St Gemma's, Amanda, came in to see us, my parents visited and an old school friend of mine came - we had to sit in the conservatory of the hospice cos there was so many of us - and it was a bit like a party!!! There was laughter, talking, discussion but we managed to have no tears.

Once they had all gone, Jamie arrived. It was quite humorous because he'd rung me earlier in the day to say he was getting the early bus back from school as he had told his IT teacher, who he had for a lesson after school, that he wanted to come back to see his dad as he hadn't seen him yesterday. Obviously the teacher understood and as Jamie is resitting the year, knew and had done the lesson he was teaching, he was happy for Jamie to go. ...................... except Jamie omitted to tell him that the reason he'd not seen his dad was cos he'd gone to the Leeds United match!!!!!! (they won too!!!). However, in fairness to Jamie, he wanted the opportunity to have an hour with his dad on his own so I left them to come home and sort out the house etc.

When I returned about an hour or so later they were sat having tea together and they had spent a wonderful hour with stewart saying all the things he needed to say to him - I understand there were lots of tears, from Stewart not Jamie but I think that hour meant a lot to them.

When Alex arrived from school he also had an hour with his dad, but to be honest it was a different sort of talk and although the sentiments in most part were the same, for Stewart it was the easier discussion. Maybe because Alex is not yet a man and there relationship is different but I am still pleased that they both had this time at this stage with him.

You may be wondering about Gemma. Well she's fine and having a ball, going out to friends after school everyday and even sleeping out at the weekend and last night too (as a treat and to give me time this morning to myself). Everyone keeps asking whether she understands the situation, and as much as any 9 year old can take in this situation, I know she understands because the first words when she sees me or my parents or the boys is "how's daddy". Not a question she usually asks but I know she is missing him (even tho they fight like cat and dog - too similar in their ways to get on) and she wants him home soon.

Manged to get to Sainsbury's for the essentials after dropping off the boys at home and then popped into Ruth's to pick up a black hat (her MIL sells hats and I need a plain one for the forthcoming new year and obviously ready for the funeral!! there's nothing like being organised!!). Had a lovely couple of hours there again, she can make me laugh as does her wonderful husband, Robert.

I also managed to have a wonderful (if late) night with Jamie when I came home, and as is our way we sat on the bed in my room and talked and cried together. I am equally proud of him as his dad is of the way he is dealing with all this, we discussed stewart dying and whether he wanted to be there etc. I have said that I personally felt that I didn't want him with that memory in his head as I still struggle to get the picture of my nana dying out of mine when I think of her, but did say it was totally his decision when the time came. Obviously he will be allowed his final goodbye before his dad goes and if he wants, some time with him after too. We discussed many things and cried together. I have told him that he doesn't change his dreams to be with me or near me in the future. He must go out and fulfil them, wherever in the world he needs to be as that is what his dad and I have dreamt of for his future. I so hope he won't tie himself down to staying in Leeds just for me.

Right, I must get myself dressed and down to see stewart early today - I have a meeting at 9am with a social worker to fill in these blasted forms, got to go into work to collect some for tomorrow and get it done before Sunday morning, pop to a friends to pick up some cakes (yummy) and then get back to Stewart in time to take him to clinic at 1.45pm (what do you bet we don't get in till at least 3pm!!)

Will update further tonight.

Visitors, visitors and more visitors

2008-09-23T23:55:00.002+01:00

Evening everyone, thought I'd update again today otherwise I will forget things!!! (sorry the brain is a bit adled).

Well having had a very full day of visitors today, from friends and family stewart was exhausted so I am hoping if the patch works and keeps him pain free through the night he might get a good rest tonight. I am going in in the morning and will ask that there are no visitors until later in the day. He managed a walk round the gardens today, refusing to take a wheelchair, and regretted it big time cos that added to his exhaustion.

I met Dan, the care worker for the kids, who seems really nice and is coming to meet them at home in a couple of weeks. I am not sure if the kids will open up to him but at least they know there is someone here for them other than the family and friends.

As for me, I am feeling very relieved having met my boss. I can't go into too much info on here but just to say I have there full support and certainly the next 3 months will be much easier for me, and I will not have to juggle rushing to work with looking after everyone, it will be balanced out for me so that is one lot of stress erased. Now I just need to fill in the forms for tax credit and disability allowance, there are hundreds of questions and some of them don't make sense to me!!!! Hopefully, there will be someone in the hospice who can help me tomorrow.

Right, off to bed now as the clock has turned midnight and my coach is now a pumpkin!!! Lets hope tomorrow is a good day too.

Peace and calm

2008-09-23T13:09:00.003+01:00

Sorry for not updating last night but having had a very up and down day yesterday, with Stewart's eye not being good, going to radiotherapy, coming back and dealing with the mortgage company and car company, then a long afternoon with visitors and running the kids around, I am sat here, in St Gemma's updating this.

It was lovely that the boys walked from the bus yesterday after school and had tea with us, Gemma having gone to friends, although they popped in to see us after school. I managed to have a bit of me time, and visited Ruth for a cup of tea after I left Stewart last night and Lindsay popped in and we talked and laughed with no tears at all, which was nice.

Today I was back here after dropping Gemma off at school, actually I arrived and had to turn round immediately to pick up the stuff I'd left on the kitchen table. I had planned on working today but it has been a busy day. Our friend, Tracy, came in (she is a medium) and talked to Stewart and answered some of his questions of what happens when you die. It is amazing how much calmer he is and at peace with it, knowing that he will still be him and that his Dad is waiting for him with the olive branch out. I am not sure how I feel, it is hard to let go of the feelings I have about his Dad but those are feelings I will keep to myself. Tracy then spent an hour with me supporting me and talking to me.

My brother and Bev have visited along with Stewart's mother again and his brothers have both rung too which I think he finds comforting.

He is laid on the bed watching telly whilst I sit here, waiting for the social worker to come in and help me fill in the many forms that need doing!!!!!

I am not sure how I am at the moment, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach which is like a gnawing pain that won't go away. My stomach flips when I think of the next months to come but outwardly I am coping. As always the kids are amazing and my love for them and for Stewart is growing by the second.

I might be back on later tonight, it will depend how my meeting goes with my boss from work regarding the time off I am taking - he has assured me they are not sacking me but it will depend if they can continue to pay me when I am off or not as to the next decision that I will have to make cos if they can't cover my wages I may well have to give up the job.

Tears

2008-09-21T22:42:00.003+01:00

Oh dear, what a day. I definately wasn't at my best!!!! I woke up upset, carried on being upset and snappy, cried on and off all day and eventually Stewart through me out at 7.30pm telling me to go home and sleep!!!! He wasn't having a good day either, we really must try and alternate our "off" days so we can support each other. I then came home and shouted at the kids, but hopefully they understand that today the anger hit me and the unfairness of the situation.

Other than that, the day has been ok!! He has only needed one extra top up of pain killers but tomorrow will be the test when we are driving to and from the hospital for his radiotherapy.

My best friend Debra rang tonight, and really cheered me up, as she does regularly, her sense of humour keeps me going.

Right, sorry only a short update but nothing really has happened today (other than emotions) so will update you again tomorrow.

A Busy Day

2008-09-21T00:40:00.002+01:00

Just a quick update on today's happenings.

Stewart had a better night's sleep, even though the nurses woke him a couple of times when checking his syringe driver - he will be so much better if we can get him off this and onto tablets so that he can sleep through.

We had visitors all day, most especially his estranged mother who we haven't seen for 4 years (and then for half an hour if that) and really not for 10 years. I left Stewart to pick up Gemma from last night's sleep out and drop her off at the next, which gave them time alone. I don't think anything specific was said but I do know that this has given him peace of mind which at the end of the day is what matters. I know there are issues to face in the future with me and my MIL but I will take one step at a time.

He was very emotional today, first when I put my foot in it and mentioned the kids weddings and then everytime he tried to speak about the kids, he fell apart - it was hard to watch but I know it's the process he has to go through - it's still really shitty though.

We had lots of friends pop in too during the day and by 9pm Stewart was shattered, so I tucked him into bed for a good night's rest hopefully.

The only other major happening today was that Val and Steve, the dog breeders we bought Harley from, came to pick him up to stay for a couple of days and then to pass him on to his new foster parents. I hadn't realised how hard to say goodbye to Harley would be but they made it so much easier for me, poor Alex just sobbed his heart out. I know we have done the right thing for both us and Harley, I know he will be so happy with his new family who have the time to walk him, run with him, play with him and even take him on the boat with them, but that doesn't make the decision feel any less awful. The kids want to visit him but I just feel that it isn't the right thing to do as it will be more painful too see him and then say goodbye all over again. I will miss him though (but my carpet won't, he's left me with a huge hole in it this morning!!)

Right, got to be up early to go get the bagels and be with Stewart for 9am so that I can help him shower etc before the next visitors come along.

We are eternally grateful for everyone's visits, they are tiring but they lift his spirits and it's warming to watch. I don't think he knew how much he was loved.

A hard, but good day

2008-09-19T22:38:00.002+01:00

Well today was the day, we moved Stewart from the wonderful Bexley Oncology wing at St James's hospital to the even more wonderful St Gemma's hospice. The walk through those front doors took courage on both our sides but the welcome was warm. Although when we went up to the ward and I told the nurse that I was here with Stewart, she said "he's not here yet". "yes he is" I replied. "No he isn't" she said, " yes he is" I said, he's with me. That made us all giggle and broke the nerves.

The Doctor and the nurses were wonderful, laughing and joking when appropriate, kind and thoughtful at other times. We settled Stewart in and they came to discuss food. There is a daily menu but also if that doesn't appeal another menu of regular meals is on offer. Well after seeing that, Stewart has decided to stay there - now what does that say about my cooking skills!!!! But how wonderful to see him eat a meal, albeit small and actually enjoy it. We then had visitors all afternoon, my sister and her youngest daughter, my brother, sister-in-law and their eldest daughter, Stewart's Uncle along with the Rabbi that I work with. After about 2 hours I shooed them out as stewart looked like he needed a rest. I left him in peace and quiet whilst I went to pick up Gemma from school. Well, everyone came over to ask after Stewart and offer their support and it is very warming to see people who don't usually talk to me come over.

We went home and packed a case for Gemma cos she is staying with her best friend Jof tonight, and her other friend Felicity tomorrow night. She's having a great time at the moment which is the way it should be.

We then visited Daddy and after a cuddle, hug and kiss, 2 biscuits and a sweet she was bored, so I took her to Debra's (Jof's mum) where we were eating that night and waited for Alex to appear off the school bus with their daughter. We went back to see Stewart and as I am so confident in the care from the nurses and knowing another friend was popping back, I actually joined the two youngest at our friends for dinner. We laughed and we cried, especially after hearing Gemma and Jof discussing Stewart quite matter of factly, and the fact he has cancer and isn't going to be a grandpa. It's amazing how kids can compartmentalise things and see things so rationally.

I had a lovely evening and felt safe knowing that once it was over I could still visit Stewart which I did. We had half an hour together, mainly because he needed to sleep and I had a wonderful chat with the nurse looking after him, May. She offered so much support, even saying that i could pop in at 3am if that's what I wanted - mind you if I did that Stewart would kill me. But how wonderful is a hospice that offers to convert a hospital bed to a double bed so that you can be together. It's not an option I will take up at the moment but I do feel comforted that when the time comes, I can lay beside him and hold him in my arms (without falling off the bed). It also means the kids can join us and cuddle him.

The one thing this has spurred Jamie and I on to do, is raise as much money for cancer research (especially melenomas) and St Gemma's once this is over.

I am how now, and feeling the calmest I have felt in 2 weeks. It's been a roller coaster of a ride which isn't over by a long shot, but at last we can be safe in the knowledge that his care is taken care of, he can have all the support he wants and needs and that when the time comes, he will be in the best possible hands.

For those of you who have wondered where Jamie has disappeared to in this post, he was ordered by me to attend a reunion of his summer trip group. He missed the reunion of his last summer's trip due to being in hospital and I want him to have space to enjoy himself and neither Stewart or I want him to miss out on the support and fun his friends can give him. Next weekend he is off to Scotland to see his girlfriend, but I know that the months ahead will be hard for him so am pleased we can give him this at least.

On a slightly sad note, tomorrow Harley will be picked up to be taken to his new foster home. I know that this is something we have to do for Stewart's peace and safety (especially with the rish of infection etc) but I still feel sad and guilty that we have to let him go. He was the puppy we picked from a large litter and although he is hard work, he will be missed as part of the family. I know where he is going is better for him and will give him the love and space he deserves but just a little bit of me is so angry that Cancer can not only take away the love of my life, but take away the pet we have reared from 7 weeks. It's a bastard of a disease and I vow to help find a cure by raising as much money as possible in Stewart's name once this is all over.

Frustration

2008-09-19T00:10:00.002+01:00

Evening, well today has had some highs and some lows.

Stewart managed to get through till 6am this morning without any extra pain relief which was brilliant and after a very hectic morning which saw Gemma being late for school and the phone ringing off the hook, I got to the hospital just after 10am. I took Stewart down for his radiography and then we both went back to the ward and dozed for an hour or so. We had the meeting booked today to meet the consultant in charge of the chemo and we were to be in clinic at 3.15pm. Well that was a joke, we didnt get in to see her until after 5pm, which meant stewart had sat on a hard chair for 2 hours which meant the pain was returning. To top it all, the fact we were late in meant he missed his dinner on the ward - not much use when he is losing weight right before my eyes. To say I was angry was an understatement.

However, the blood test results were optomistic and he starts chemo next friday.

We went back to the ward and we managed to have time to chat today. Stewart spent a lot of time talking about things, which although made him cry, was really positive. We closed the curtains and just talked whilst I gave him a foot massage. He is such an amazingly strong man and I am in awe of his courage. He gave me so much tonight, affirming his love for me and telling me that he loved me. I know it is a sad time, but this was wonderful. I obviously told him how much he means to me and that he is and always will be the love of my life.

It hadn't been a good day for me, I had felt so down throughout the day but I left the hospital with warmth in my heart. I just don't know how I will live my life without him by my side. He is and always has been my rock, my inspiration and I can't imagine waking up without him in my life.

I had also spoken to one of our wonderful social workers at the local jewish welfare board who talked me through everything I am doing with the kids. We decided it was time that Gemma knew the truth as it is bound to come out in the playground soon. So when I came home, I sat her down and had to tell her that her daddy wasn't going to get better. I explained as much as I think she could understand and to see her little face crumple was so hard, it broke my heart. Jamie, being the wonder that he is, came in and just held her in his arms whilst she sobbed and then held me too. What did i do to be lucky enough to get such a wonderful son.

Just before she went to bed, Gemma came in and said "thank you mummy". I asked her what for and she replied "for telling me about daddy so that I can hug him lots". My poor baby, why oh why does she have to go through this, why do all my babies have to go through this, it is so unfair.

I also had to tell the kids that we have found a long term foster home for Harley, our dog. He is a huge lump of a puppy golden retriever and I love him so much but with Stewart having chemo and being open to infection, I know that along with the fact he is boisterous and noisy which is too much for Stewart to cope with, that we need to find him somewhere to live. A wonderful couple who bought one of Harley's sisters is going to long term foster him and if he settles in they have said that if we wish to rehome him, they will take him. He will green fields and long walks and rides on boats so a wonderful life lays ahead of him. How I will say goodbye I don't know but I do know that I have to, for everyone's sakes. Once he has settled there and I hope is there for a while, because that will mean Stewart is here, it would be unfair to bring him home somewhere where he won't have that sort of life.

So today has been a day of mixed emotions. I am back at the hospital tomorrow morning to take Stewart to his fourth radiotherapy and then to take him to St Gemma's Hospice. However, his notes and medicines must travel seperately by taxi - it's hospital policy. No wonder the NHS is in such a mess.

A better day

2008-09-18T00:24:00.009+01:00

WEDNESDAY

Well, Wednesday came and I rang the hospital and Stewart had had a better night, only having three extra injections to get him through (he'd had six the night before).

However, we all overslept and although Alex managed to get up in time to get the bus to school. Jamie didn't which after the night before probably wasn't a bad thing.

I went down to the hospital to meet with Ash again who was again amazing. She has confirmed a bed at the hospice in a room of our own for Friday. Ok, it's a big step to make but I know it's the right one. We discussed various things together and Stewart was totally rational in his thinking which makes things a little easier.

He had a good day with the pain relief being increased and up to 10.30pm when I last spoke to him, he hadn't needed any extra injections which means I hope, that he has a good nights sleep.

I managed to talk to Ash privately, and she doesn't think that Stewart will go back to work again, but doesn't count it out but is being realistic. Something I am aware of but Stewart isn't ready to accept.

We have had visitors on and off all day, my parents, Jamie, my brother, my friend Debs who couldn't quite cope with seeing Stewart yet and sobbed her way through our cup of tea which we had downstairs, and then her husband Richard popped in tonight. I think it was his visit that lifted Stewart the most, he was so understanding and supportive and gave Stewart such a lift.

I have spent the day setting people off crying, everyone I spoke to cried - i really must rethink what I say to people LOL. It is so touching that so many people genuinly care for us and the kids.

we managed another quick cuddle and then I had to face coming home to tell Alex the situation (I can only handle telling them one at a time). Luckily my friend, Fiona came over from Manchester to help me with the kids and whilst she kept Gemma occupied and put her to bed (she must come and read me a bed time story cos she's brill) I spoke to Alex. I knew he'd cry but it still broke my heart and what broke my heart more was after we'd chatted and I'd answered his questions he went upstairs to take some time out and his wonderful big brother went into his room and sat with him. How amazing are my kids (bigheaded it may sound but I am genuinly so proud of them).

well, Jamie and I chatted and he thanked me for being so honest with him. I feel like a torturer to put my kids through this but I think what he said made me realise that however hard it is, that honesty is the best policy.

Having got my room back to myself tonight (Gems slept in our bed the past couple of nights) I am off to bed, I will sleep cos my eyes are closing as I type this so I bid you all good night and sleep tight.

He's just amazing

2008-09-18T00:24:00.008+01:00

Sorry for not updating yesterday but I was just so exhausted I couldn't face it.

TUESDAY

So to update you - We have met Ash from Palative Care and if there was ever a lady who deserves angel wings and a halo, this is her. Her manner was calming and reassuring, and totally honest. She has put Stewart onto a syringe driver so that we can start actually dealing with the pain relief properly. This was fitted whilst she was with us and within 5 minutes he was my Stewart again, chatty and sat up and taking an interest. She went through what we knew, what we wanted to know (which was the results of the latest CT scan) and then told us the options we had open.

At this point, we didn't have the results but she did tell us that the consultant would be round to let us know later that day but in the meantime she mentioned the dreaded word - hospice. But she explained that this wasn't somewhere he must go to die, but somewhere where his pain would be correctly managed without waiting 3/4 hour for someone to administer it and that once this was fully controlled. Obviously this came as a shock but as the local hospice, St Gemma's, is only 5 minutes from home and having had experience of it with family members we did know what a wonderful place it is. Having chatted to us about various options she left us to think about it but promised to be back.

I went off to take a call from my sister and she suggested that it would be a good idea to use that as a stepping stone for going home as psychologically he would know that going in for respite or to up the pain relief didn't mean he wasn't going to come home again. On the way back to the ward I bumped into Ash and mentioned this. She totally agreed, having thought about it and was delighted that I was in agreement as this would make it easier to persuade Stewart, who naturally is very scared.

Later that afternoon the consultant came in and we met another wonderful person. He gently asked us what we were aware of and then explained that the CT scan had shown cancer in the eye muscles, various places under the skin (head, back, arms etc) as well as one kidney, pancreas (which is causing all the pain) and lungs. So hey, that didnt leave much that isn't affected. I think he was taken aback by the fact we just accepted it but in truth I think we already knew. He talked to us about St Gemma's and totally agreed that it would be better for us than the hospital. What blew me away was that he knew about the kids and their ages and could talk to us about how to help them. We mentioned that it was 5 minutes from home and he asked where we lived - how funny is this - he used to live in the next street!!!!

After he left Stew went to meet my mum and Gemma whilst I grabbed 5 minutes to ask him the questions I needed to ask. He didn't rush me, he gave me time and more importantly he was honest. So basically we have somewhere between 3 months (possibly) to a year (if we are lucky). Now that bit isn't good news and it really hasn't sunk in.

I also spent time talking to the nurse looking after Stewart, who was in floods of tears throughout but a great support.

Stewart has been amazingly calm and that evening we spent time talking together and I mentioned that it might be suggested we use the hospice as a stepping stone to home and why - I more based the info on the fact that once we are under the care of the hospice it is them we call if we need advice, pain relief etc and being so close it will help us. It also will mean the kids can be supported all the way through, and I think he understood it.

Before leaving that night, we managed half an hours cuddle on the bed, with the curtains closed which gave me some strength. Being back in his arms where I feel safest was wonderful, especially having had very little physical contact as he has been in so much pain (and no, there was no hanky panky :) )

On coming home there were visitors till about 11pm, firstly my slightly batty but wonderful friend Ruth (who I shared my 40th birthday party with and puts everything on a spread sheet). She brought me a present of an emergency bag for the car containing a bottle of water, a box of tissues and enough chocolate and sweets to last a life time. Then our good friends Carol and Dave popped in to check on me - they have been brill and are taking Harley (the dog) out for a long walk every morning for us. Once they had gone I had to face telling Jamie, our eldest exactly what was going on. We cried, we laughed, we got angry but I couldn't have lied to him. I have to admit that by the time I went to bed at 2am, I was physically and mentally exhausted.

Today's adventure!!!!!!

2008-09-15T21:59:00.002+01:00

Ok, here's the latest update. Rang hospital at 7.20am this morning (having been unsettled all night - knew something wasn't right) to be told he had been in serious pain last night and rushed for an xray at 3am. They couldn't get the pain under control and now think he has pancreatitis (sp?).

Why oh why didn't they call me, I am so annoyed that if he had needed an emergency operation I wouldn't have had chance to see him.

Anyway I dressed Gemma and dropped her at my friends and flew down. Within about 2 hours he was a lot better and more comfortable. Palliative care came to visit - very interesting and scary all at once but yippee he has had a pump thingy put in so that he gets continuous pain relief that can be topped up with injections whilst they work out the strength needed. He is a different person (well, actually he's the same person but with a bit of a sense of humour and a smile and a cuddle for me :D). He's very tired but is being less retisent about asking for pain relief.

What they have suggested is that he may want to go into our local hospice instead of hospital (well it's 5 minutes away from home, available to visit all hours and private room) if the pain relief needs altering and then he can come home again. He has, understandably, mixed reactions but think he may go in before coming home so that knows it isn't permanent (if that makes sense).

However because that is a huge possibility, I have needed to talk to Jamie tonight about the facts and what is happening, and bless him I think he realises the true extent of what we are dealing with. It really hit him all the things his dad won't be here for (graduation possibly, his wedding, his first child - I haven't even mentioned his 18th) but he now understands the situation. He got angry and then he cried and all I could do was hold him and cry with him. That has to be the hardest evening I have ever had, just hope it was the right thing to do. However, we are not looking at the end of the story, we are now focused on the bit up till then and on making it absolutely fantastic (see even I can do optomism :lol:).

Once again thanks for your kind thoughts, words with whoever you speak to up there (I'm not proud, anyone that gets us the result we want will be gratefully thanked) and all the love you send.

Now I'm off to actually have something to eat (well a box of jaffa cakes cannot possibly be termed food :lol:) and then my friends popping in for coffee.

I spoke too soon

2008-09-14T23:15:00.002+01:00

Well what a crap day today has been. Firstly, i went to work and everyone was lovely but of course it was that kindness that set off what was to be the first of many tears of the day. I also got a call from Stewart to say they were keeping him in another night at least. Having rung my mum, she told me to come round cos I needed to obviously off load. And off load I did, I just sat and cried in her and my dad's arms. Then, having pulled myself together I set off to the hospital.

Well having left Stewart tired and painfree the night before I was shocked to see him in pain, nauseas again and tired. They are giving him a slow release pill topped up with other medication and anti nausea pills but they just weren't hitting the spot. Yesterday's bloods had shown a problem with the pancreas (I have heard of it but no idea whether this is relevant or not) and all day he has been popping pain killers and sleeping. I am sure it is the drugs causing him to be so tired, but it has left me feeling so alone so quickly. The nurses are wonderful but feel that we now need to look at a pump that is permanently attached to dole out some medication and they have recommended they call the palliative care team in. Well, that was it, off I went on another tearful episode, it's those words you don't want to hear. It really brought home (if I hadn't already realised) that this was serious. I feel totally sick every time I think of it.

Mum and dad brought the kids down to see their Dad. He didn't even really respond to him being there which was so sad. My parents then insisted I join them for tea, I am sure it was lovely but I couldn't taste a thing. The only benefit is that my eldest niece was there with her boyfriend which was lovely.

I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart feels empty, it is such a horrid thing to watch him like this, so not my Stewart and due to visiting hours, I won't see him till 2pm tomorrow. That just compounds the situation too. I know they have to do it but feel it is so cruel. I just want to curl up in bed at home with his arms round me, its the best place to be and where I feel safest and I miss it.

Jamie is continuing to be my rock, he has had a terible shock today, I think it really hit home what is going on and I feel I have let him down today by being weak. I know I need to be stronger tomorrow for both him and Stewart so I am off to bed to try and sleep.

Bad news Good news

2008-09-14T00:44:00.002+01:00

Well Friday night was a nightmare. We gave Stewart the new medication for pain which seemed to help him but then his stomach pains got worse, he wouldn't eat and was nauseus and had terrible wretching throught the night. It was horrible to watch him in so much distress. So this morning I rang the number on the outpatients card - and god bless the oncology unit. They didn't think I was stupid, or pathetic, no, they were wonderful. They talked me through everything and even when I said I wasn't sure it was connected or that was it the new painkiller or the drugs from his latest CT scan, she listened and understood my worry. In fact she said I'd done the right thing ringing her and to bring him straight in so they could get his pain under control, but to be warned he might have to stay in. She said that he was all that mattered and whatever the cause, they wouldn't let him be in pain.

So off we headed to the new oncology building at St James's hospital, Leeds which is a credit to everyone who has ever donated to it. They got him settled and gave him pain killers and tablets to stop the nausea. Within 10 minutes he looked so much better. They have kept him in tonight so they can judge how much medication he needs so they can give us the right medication to have him home. He will rattle with all the tablets he takes, but I can live with that.

I popped out after lunchtime to come home to pick up some stuff and give him time to sleep without being aware I was sat there and I decided to pop into the Paper Dolls crop. What an amazing bunch of ladies they are, they made me laugh, they hugged me, they made me cry and they even provided a beautiful little 4 week old baby for me to cuddle (thanks Trina and Dave for that).

I then came home to spend an hour with the kids but this meant having to really sit down and talk to Jamie (17). I realised listening to him talk he hadn't taken on board the seriousness of the situation and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to explain that if we got 5 years more then we would have had a miracle. When he said it was wrong to lose a parent when he was only in his 20's it broke my heart, especially as he may not get that long. However, after explaining that we were fighting this and not giving up, I also explained that we had to arrange things just in case, that once the relevant discussions were had they could be put away until needed, things like headstones on graves, finances, the bringing up of the kids, where his dad would spend his last days and how I had promised his dad I would look after him at home until it was either too much for me or that his dad needed more care. We have a fantastic hospice locally which my nana and papa passed away in, and I know that when the time comes, that's where we will spend our last days with Stewart. They allow you to stay there full time and care for your family and spend every moment with them and as I have promised Stewart I won't leave him alone, I know I can fulfil that promise there - thank god for St Gemma's.

However, saying that Jamie has made me realise that Impossible is Nothing. We can and will fight this bastard disease together and we will get as many years (or months) as we can, and hopefully now stewart will be pain free we can have quality time as a family and as a couple. I wouldn't mind but tonight he ate the whole meal the hospital provided - I didn't think my cooking was that bad!!!!!

So tonight, I sit here in my bedroom alone, knowing that one day it will be like this always. Watching the emotions that Stewart is going through is so difficult, to see the fear in his eyes is so hard, knowing I can't make it go away. However, after talking to Stewart about various things this afternoon, such as letters for the kids etc I feel better in myself and strong again, knowing we will do everything we can.

I would also like to say a massive thank you to all the UKS members who have taken time to post on my "say a prayer" thread, for the personal messages they have sent and for all the support I am getting. I have had links to so many things that will be useful, from claiming disability allowance, to Winston's wishes for the kids, to virtual candles, to stories of family members who have survived. You are an incredible bunch of people and I will be eternally grateful to you all.

As for my family and friends - i still cannot say anything worthy that will explain the total support and love they are giving us. My parents are magnificent as always, my sister and brother and their children and partners are amazing and my friends are unbelievable. Phonecalls, texts, food, collecting of children, walking of the dog, they have offered it all along with support to me and stewart and the kids. Even Jamie's friends have contacted me. I am so blown away by the local community support too, people that I have never heard of (but obviously know me and/or Stewart) are asking about us and saying prayers for us.

So all I can say is THANK YOU to each and everyone of you, I will never forget this.

Life's a bitch

2008-09-12T14:04:00.002+01:00

Sorry, but that is exactly how I'm feeling. You see Stewart has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Who knows how long he has got but by god I am going to make it the best it can be.

We went for further scans today (not sure why to be honest, they've told us the worst) and a fitting for the mask he needs for the radiotherapy he is having to hopefully shrink the tumour in his eye and make life a little more comfortable. He will have 5 days of radiotherapy and then a break when we will find out the scan results and possibly start some chemo to try and stop the cancer spreading as fast as it is.

Yesterday can only be described as the day I never wanted to have, a day from hell. To come home and tell your children that daddy is poorly and there is only a minute percentage of a chance that he could recover is the worst thing I have ever had to do. Yet they all reacted differently. Jamie at 17 is absolutely adamant that whilst there is any hope that is what we live by and that dad will be fine, Alex at 14 just wanted to know if he could have a laptop (LOL), but is very concerned that the business we have which was named after the two boys (started before no3 arrived) would go, and the name would be gone forever - it's funny how he sees things, but his older brother has been a star and said that anytime he needs him at school, he will be there for him - what an amazing child I have there. As for the little one, Gemma (9), she just knows that daddy is very poorly, I couldn't tell her anything else.

Stewart is the most amazing man, and yes, he's cried and he says his stomach is in knots but he is being so incredibly brave - he really is my hero.

As for me, well I've cried, I've kicked the door, I've stamped my feet and I am putting a brave face on. I will not let him know how frightened I am, how lost I will be without him by my side, how I want to curl up in a ball and hide from it all. He will see a smile on my face, a cuddle and a kiss whenever he wants it and the best days, months (and in my dreams, years) I can give him. I am hoping when he has had the radiotherapy and it hopefully makes him more comfortable, we can have the quality time as a couple and as a family we need. I think my camera will be out permanently so that we have reminders of everything we do.

Our family and friends have been so amazing. Words don't say what I want to say about them. I just know that we will be ok with them watching out for us. All I need now, is everyone who reads this to just give me 2 minutes, look up to heaven and say a little prayer for us. As Jamie's status on facebook says, We're wishing on a star!!

I spoke too soon!!

2008-09-09T16:59:00.002+01:00

What can I say about today, well i have decided life is crap. Stew has found more lumps on his head and arm and although he is losing weight his stomach is getting bigger - so now I am really worried. I just have this feeling that things aren't good.

I can tell how tense I am because the hospital rang with an appointment for a CT scan on the 12th and I was about to say, "can't you get one any quicker, that's ages away, it's urgent" when I realised that actually it's friday morning - so quick by NHS standards. It is obvious that the Prof has looked at his notes and the fact she has booked him in already is ringing alarm bells.

Why do I get this feeling that there will be no cure this time. How, if that's the case do I tell my children and keep Stewart upbeat. I only hope I am soooooo wrong. At times I feel so calm when thinking about it, I know I need to cry and shout but I just can't.

I know that you who have been brave enough to venture onto my blog at this time, and to read my posts are amazing people, some of the comments and emails to me either at home or via UKS have been amazing, and truly are keeping me going at the moment.

There are so many thoughts flitting through my head, the sort of thoughts you never want to have, that I don't know sometimes what or where to put them, so this is my diary, the feelings I need to share.

Today, in a brief moment, Stewart shared his fear of dying. It was only for a moment, because I don't know what to say to him to make it go away, I can't lie to him, I have never lied to him, not proper lies. Yes, I know I've told him i've had that handbag for years, the shoes have always been in the bottom of the wardrobe and that it's magic that my stash has grown so much and I didn't buy any of it but this is different. This needs us to be truthful. Although I love my stewart more than anything or more than words can ever portray, I also know he hides his feelings and I know that if he has opened up to me I need to be say the right thing, but I don't know what that is.

I know he is scared of the future, for his health but for me and the kids if he is not able to work or if he dies. Unfortunately because he has had cancer before he hasn't been able to get life insurance and therefore if he can't earn, or worse, then he knows that leaves me with a great big problem. I know you can get help etc but I don't like to take - however, I have tried to be practical and have applied for family tax credit in the hope that will help - I just need the forms to arrive!!!

My mum is very involved with Macmillan Cancer Care, due to the help they gave her when my Nana was so ill, and I know they will offer all sorts of help, it's just that I am not ready to contact them. There is something stopping me admitting how serious this is, although I know I will have to do it soon.

Once again my apologies for my ramblings, I hope that by Friday night I will have some positive news for you all.

Finally

2008-09-08T21:52:00.002+01:00

What a day today has been. We went back to see the eye man, who is wonderful but unfortunately having looked at the scans again, has found that the spot on the back of stew's head isn't a spot but another tumour!!!! So more proof that the tumour is spreading. He advised that we arrange to see our oncologist (or that she will ring us) so I contacted her secretary to be told she is still away and she couldn't do anything. It is so frustrating so eventually i asked her to get the Prof to contact me. I wasn't expecting her to, but tonight Prof. Newton Bishop rang. She wasn't actually sure who she was ringing but once she knew she was great and has arranged to view the scans etc and see us on Thursday afternoon.

Now I am quite calm, although I know it doesn't look good and I am hoping that they will be able to do something with chemo which seems to be the way they will treat it, but probably they will need more scans first. It seems to take so long to do everything, its frustrating.

The phonecalls from family and friends and friends of family and friends of friends have been coming all day and night and i must have told the same story at least 24 times tonight, but I don't mind cos it means they care.

Well, hopefully the next few days will go by quite calmly and peacefully. Stewart seems to be a bit brighter and has eaten a bit, but he has lost so much weight, his face and arms and legs are so thin it's frightening. He must have lost well over a stone in a couple of weeks - do I read into it that it's not good and a sign of something worse or do I assume that the nerves are causing it. I am too scared to think of the first so will opt for the second. Cowards way out but the only way I know how to cope.

Will update again after our visit on Thursday.

Thanks again if you are reading this for staying with my long posts. Hopefully something more positive will be on soon.

What a weekend!!

2008-09-08T06:51:00.003+01:00

Well, all I can say is what a weekend that was.

Jamie's girlfriend arrived on Friday late afternoon and we actually all sat down for dinner together, even stewart, and although he didn't eat his usual portions, he ate which was nice.

However by saturday he wasn't well again and took to bed. His eye looked like it had blistered so I rang A&E to ask their advice. The on-call eye man rang me and decided he should check it out just in case but didn't think it was serious. So off we trooped, well I trooped, Stewart shuffled, down to A&E to see a very nice doctor who had seen stewart at the beginning of his eye problems. Bless him, he was gutted he hadn't spotted it earlier (only by 2 weeks mind). Well, afterall, the problem wasn't serious so we came home again but stewart has stayed in bed all weekend with his stomach pains and his eye aching.

By last night I got quite cross with him, no wonder he feels so lousy with his stomach, he isn't eating and he isn't drinking, sorry but a sip of water every 4 hours with tablets is not drinking. Was very firm with him and as he decided to come down for a bit, he promised me he'd drink.

Well it's Monday morning, stewart came back to bed at some point, not sure when cos my head hit the pillow and i was out for the count. I am up with the boys ensuring they get off to school ok and then it's getting Stew and madam up and about. We are dropping her off and going straight down to the hospital.

I realise we might not get definative answers but I just need some. This not knowing is awful. I realise there may well be more tests, I realise they may keep him in, but anything is better than this. He needs something to focus on too as I think some of the problems he is having is nerves etc. totally understandable but need sorting.

Thank you for continuing to put up with my ramblings.

Coffee is amazing,

2008-09-05T07:36:00.004+01:00

Yes, it's early on Friday morning, but today will be a busy one so thought I would blog the latest.

Stew was not good yesterday and last night i had a thought (don't have them often you know) that he wasn't drinking coffee at all and therefore the lethargy might be from lack of caffiene. So we braved a cup - and WHAT A DIFFERENCE. He is so much brighter, his shoulders are up and he is more alert. He is still in pain but he is so much better emotionally. We spent last night and this morning talking properly for the first time, and I told him that whatever happens, whatever treatment is needed, whatever state he will be in during the treatment that I will be there for him NO MATTER WHAT or NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT. This morning he has admitted the fear of dying, something I have also thought about but not talked about. Like I said to him, if it is the worst possible result on Monday and it is terminal and he only has however long, then it will be the best however long we can have. But I told him, that that wasn't going to happen, there are always options and we are going to fight it all the way. He also admitted the fear of losing his sight in one or both eyes. I know that there is a real possibility (not that I have told him) that he may lose the sight in his left eye and even lose the eye together, but as I said, being alive with one eye is better than dead with two - he laughed at that and agreed.

I know that whatever is going to happen, that I love him more than i could imagine, and that him being his loveable bad tempered self is all I want.

However, at the moment, even with the wonderful support of my family and all my friends, I am feeling very alone. How selfish does that sound, but as I am talking to myself here, I can admit it. I so miss the hugs and the kisses which i totally understand he doesn't want from me or to give me, it leaves me feeling that I have lost a bit of him already. And no doubt through treatment it will continue to be hard, but I have to hold in my head the picture of him coming off the treatment, being in remission and cuddling him again (one eyed or not!!)

I am feeling slightly more optomistic today, mainly because he looks better (thinner but better - the weight is just dropping off him) but that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away and I am trying to deal with facing whatever will come on Monday.

I probably won't post over the weekend, mainly due to the fact that DS1's girlfriend is here (to support him, bless her) and we will be trying to make everything a little more normal that this week has been but obviously if I can I will be back on Monday night with some news.

I know the next three days will be an anxious wait and I just hope I can keep it together and after our discussions last night and today, where we were both totally honest, we can try and have a bit of normality, without every conversation being about the dreaded cancer.

For those of you who have taken the time to read through all of the posts and have sent messages, to those of my friends in the LPD, Tag a longs and UKS, to my family and my friends round me here in Leeds and those friends further away (that's you Fi), a huge thank you for your love, your kindness, your support, your care - I will remember this forever and be eternally grateful that I know you and that you are the wonderful people that you are. Without you this would be unbearable.

Thursday update

2008-09-04T20:07:00.002+01:00

Well today has been just awful. Although I coped much better at work, I find the sympathetic looks really hard to cope with - but I know that people need to know. My friends as always have been amazing and tonight one phonecall blew me away totally. The husband of one of my BF has rung to offer his support. Not only is this wonderful because being a man, most of them have let their wives contact us, but he is my ex so it makes it even more meaningful. His kindness and generosity has blown me totally. So many people have made contact with us and it is so heartwarming to know they are all rooting for us.

As for stew, well he's not had a good day. He is struggling to come to terms with this, and coupled with the not eating he has no strength. Hopefully Monday will bring some relief to us both because we will know what we are dealing with. I am also wondering if the lethargy is as much to do with the caffiene withdrawal as he isn't drinking coffee and the fact he isn't eating as to do with the cancer.

we have been back to see the locum who has looked after him for 3 weeks and she was nearly in tears when we told her what was going on, but to be honest, she has given him a chance cos no one else was listening to us that there was a problem.

Well, lets see what tomorrow brings!!!

Tuesday news

2008-09-03T07:19:00.002+01:00

As I said in my previous post, i think I am planning to use this as my daily journal to record the events that are happening in our lives at the moment.

Well yesterday we got confirmation that stew definately has cancer again. We just need to see an oncologist to get more accurate information but yesterday was taken up with telling the kids, the family and our wonderful friends (our family our wonderful). The support from everyone has been overwhelming, in fact so overwhelming that it is making me very tearful (now I wonder why that is!!!).

The kids have been brilliant, well Gemma just listened,I think she understood daddy is poorly but nothing more, Alex has been through this before with us so is more understanding but I don't think it sunk in yet and my poor Jamie, having decided to resit Year 12, yesterday was a tough enough day for him and then to come home last night after the Leeds match (they won!!) to be told the news must have been devasting. But you know, he is an amazing young man who held it all together and even managed to have a joke. We will see what effect this has on them all over the next few weeks.

As for stew and I, well I am not sure stewart has really taken it in, he is either very high or very low and i am really struggling to hold it all together for him. I feel like i want to cry and cry and cry but know that i can't.

Last night, stew wasn't good with his stomach again (supposedly it was the tablets he was taking for his neck pain) but i have this sick feeling that it is connected but am too scared to say anything. He has gone back to bed and I now feel like a complete cow that I have to go back to work today. I may have to shut the office early if he continues to be unwell. I need to speak to one of the bosses to help me through this - I just hope they are supportive. It's just another thing on the list of to do things I am running up. I have to speak to both schools and fill them in and then face work and all that goes there. So, i'm taking a deep breath and going to take one day at a time (oh, and my shoulder is killing me again!!!).

Sorry that this is so depressing, I don't think I am writing this for you to follow but for me so I apologise for anyone who has clicked on here to look at scrapping stuff.

Not a good day

2008-09-01T21:56:00.002+01:00

well this post isn't crafty and it isn't happy either, but I am hoping it will be cathartic to me so my apologies.

Today we went back to the specialist about my darling husband's eye problem, and although we didn't see the consultant we saw a wonderful registrar. He agreed that stewart should have a ct scan and as soon as possible but wasn't convinced he could get it that quickly. He checked stewart's eyes again and told us to get a cup of tea whilst he went off to see what he could do. The change in his tack over handling this, ie. not going home and waiting for him to ring worried me, but then again i worry over everything. Before we managed to get the tea they were back telling us they had got him booked in immediately. The CT scan was done and home we came to await the results. I rang about 4pm and was rung back to be told the prelim report was in but he was waiting for the main report. However at 6pm he rang to say it hadn't come in, so I asked him to be straight with me, and unfortunately he told me stewart had a mass behind his eye. Unfortunately he had a second mass behind his other eye too which meant it was highly unlikely this was an inflamation of tissue. So it looks like we are battling the big C for a third time. I had to make the decision as to whether to tell stewart, who was sleeping, or to wait till tomorrow but as I would want to know if it was me, then I felt I should be honest and tell him, which I did when he woke up. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and no doubt if the results confirm it tomorrow then telling the kids will be even worse.

At the moment I want to pick up stewart and run away where cancer can't find us but I know I can't. On top of the worry of the cancer is the fact that as stewart is self employed this whole thing could mean we lose our home and our life as we know it which will break our hearts, as we have had to struggle so hard to put the roof over our heads. I am beside myself with worry but as only my mum and dad know (and that is only because they called round as I was telling stewart) I don't know what to do. I am sat here listening ot stewart in the other room watching tv and laughing, it has so not sunken in for him, a defence mechanism I know but it means that when I talk to him it isn't registering.

I am soooooo angry at the world and at god for putting my kind and sweet husband through this again. I know he isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination and has made many mistakes over the years, but he doesn't deserve this. I am so scared that I will lose him, my best friend, and the thought of having to do this all on my own is the scariest feeling in the world. I know that I am going to have to put my head up and a smile on my face for the world because otherwise I think I will sink.

I hoped by typing this and making this a record of what is happening and how I feel, I will cope with whatever is thrown at us and I hope you will bear with me during this time.

I do know that I am so lucky to have so many friends and family who, when they know what is happening will be there for us, but as someone who finds it so hard to ask for help but much rather offer it, it will be a trying time for me too. I am going to have to put my pride away and speak to people honestly. I will need to write lists of questions and things that need solving, I will need to sort out work, I will need to be strong for Stewart, so this blog could be my best friend and something I share with stewart when it is all over and he is well again.

Thank you for reading this.

Apologies for not being around

2008-08-31T10:18:00.004+01:00

Well, having intended to blog every other day with my scrapping, the plans never came off due to a month of things being difficult at home.

Unfortunately my wonderful husband hasn't been well but the past week it escalated and we have spent most of the week running to and from the hospital with him. After his fall he hurt his neck and the tablets he was taking has meant he has had a reaction and now has gastric problems and other things. He went downhill on Wednesday very quickly and at one point both the emergency doctors and I thought he was having a heart attack. However he is now on medication and hopefully will feel better soon but they have advised him to take gaviscon and watching him take it is like watching the kids take medicine when they were little. If I wasn't so worried I would be laughing.

Then a problem with his left eye over the past few weeks worsened suddenly too and after going to a pre-booked appointment at our doctors (a wonderful locum who deserves a medal for everything she has done for us this week) she told us she wanted an urgent CT scan and made call after call to get us an appointment on the NHS with a consultant the next day. Well we went to St James and saw a wonderful eye doctor, Dr Sullivan, who, because they had lost his previous notes (no comment but it was only last week he was there) went through everything thoroughly, brought in a registrar (I really feel old when these doctors are young enough to be my children) and she also agreed to an urgent CT scan. However the CT department think differently, and say an urgent CT scan can take 2 weeks. So he has been put on steroids and we are off to the specialist again on Monday!!!!

However, in the midst of all this my CJ entry needs doing to be posted for Monday. Having booked a week off work this week I had loads of time, until medical incidents stopped me, so last night, or should I say early this morning I managed to do it and below are some sneak previews.

And there's more!!!

2008-08-16T17:31:00.010+01:00

Yes, this stash diet is definately inspiring me to scrapbook - and I am really really enjoying it.

I have decided to work on my Disney Album, seeing as we have been back for nearly 5 months I thought I would try break the back of it.

Here are a few of the pages (including some DLO's that I have done this week).

This is the left hand side of a DLO

I even managed to stamp and emboss the background

And this is the RHS of the DLO

This is us meeting the mice - a dream came true!!!!!!!

Mickey & Minne were made on my cricut and the title is from a set I bought whilst in America

And here are the pictures showing how the boys charmed Minnie.

And pictures of cinderella's castle changing colours whilst we waited for the night time parade.

Another LO of my daughter, but one that she will cherish forever.

We had queued for 2 hours so she could meet the Princesses and it was so sweet that when she met them she went all shy

STASH DIET and it's effects

2008-08-16T17:05:00.004+01:00

STASH DIET ALERT

I am a member of a crop, called the Leeds Paper Dolls, but for some reason, Kirsty (our leader) decided that we should start a stash diet together!!!!!!!!!

So at the end of the monthly crop, some of us started a stash diet. The idea being that we don't need more stash (we all seem to like buying but not necessarily using LOL) unless it is an adhesive, and we can use up some of the large stash we have all collected. We can borrow/give stash to each other to help each other out and to give us an incentive we earn points/money for every LO or card we make (i.e. you can't buy unless you use it first).

So, with this in mind and the fact there are a couple of things I would like to buy, I joined the diet and started scrapping. I have to admit that it does make you scrap knowing you are earning toward spending. Here are a few of my LO's and I have even progressed to doing some DLO's.

This LO was to celebrate my beautiful DD - who always as a little one dressed up as Snow White, when I was looking through my photos these shone and I just knew I had to do a LO about it.

Another LO for Gemma (she's sat on the left). I had already bought this paper for this photograph but hadn't got round to doing it. I used some Chipboard Letters and some embellishments that I also had but never wanted to use LOL!!!!!!

A busy week for the family

2008-08-16T16:53:00.005+01:00

Well, what a couple of weeks it has been.

In my life out of crafting, we arranged for my DS1's girlfriend to come up and suprise him - we took them bowling and I arranged to meet them after my monthly crop there, what he didn't know was that I was going to the station to pick up his girlfriend.

As you will see, we definately gave him a surprise, his face says it all.

(aside to this, just look at my daughter's face, she was not impressed that the reason we were having a photocall was not to take her picture LOL).

And once he realised who was stood behind him then this was the result (awwww!)

The week went well until we picked up his AS results, not too good but hopefully the kick up the butt he needs to get his act into gear for the forthcoming year so that he can pass his exams and get into the university of his choice. We have a couple of plan B's just in case but hope we don't need them.

I have been working hard this week, especially as my colleague is off on holiday!!! (who said she could have a holiday LOL)

Unfortunately my DH isn't too well, he has a severe case of conjuctivitis (well it is something more than that but I can't remember the name!) and isn't feeling too well which could all be connected.

DS1 is going away on a youth trip to New York (I never got trips to NY when I was his age) on Sunday morning so I am busy washing and ironing to make sure he has everything he needs. I hope he has a brilliant time.

A Circle Journal

2008-08-05T20:20:00.006+01:00

Ok, I have been a very very brave girl and with a bit of persuasion from my good friend Kirsty, I am taking part in a circle journal on UKS. I belong to "Kirsty's Kolourful & Kreative Newbies" which is 10 new timers to circle journals. So first of all I need to say hello to them all, Amy, Genevieve, Debbie, Debby, Catherine, Emma, Maxine, Toni & Liz (waves madly at them).

We all had to decide on our own theme and then we complete a page in each others layouts.

Well, my theme was Special Moments, why, cos I am a soppy so and so and love to hear nice things about people.

We are not allowed to put on our blogs or in our galleries our pictures of the CJ's until it is finished (in another 8 months time!!) but I am allowed to show you the front of my CJ.

This was designed during an afternoon with Kirsty, where I tried out different designs on her and this was the one we liked the best.

The first CJ entry I received was Amy's Nursery Rhymes one and boy did her introduction reduce me to tears - it was so lovely.

Well, as I said I am not allowed to show youmy LO's but I can show you some hints :)

Not sure even I can guess it from those LO's

but I am now looking forward to receiving the next one from Debby, Favourite Destinations. I have my idea for this, but who knows whether it will turn out the way I planned.

UKS Stash Bash Challenge

2008-08-05T19:39:00.007+01:00

Well, this month on UKS, there is a daily challenge to use up all your stash, and boy do I have a lot of stash to use.

So having had a day off work yesterday I decided to give it a go.

The first challenge were mini books by Voodoo Vixen (Annette) who is the master of the mini book. So I decided I would try the circle album first and here is my attempt at this one.

This is the final cover - I am really pleased with this bit of my album and love the colours, especially the use of ribbon.

The inside was covered with some of the black and white DCVW paper pack I bought many moons ago when I started card making (so that fulfilled the criteria of using old stash)

I have added a couple of pictures but to be honest I am not convinced with the finish of this one, but as I will use it as a sample for customers to see what I do, I am happy with it.

The second album was a square one, and this one just said "baby" to me. I had some papers I bought with a QVC card kit, which once it arrived I realised I had absolutely no idea what to do with it. I have made some of the cards up but was really stuck with using the papers and thought I could utilise them on some LO's. Well, I suppose this is a LO of sorts and I used them to make a baby album/card (hence the back page being free to write a message). No photo's were added this time but I do love the finished effect.

The inside of the book has had some tags made and stamped with precious and cherish and the teddies have been decoupaged.

Family Album

2008-07-25T17:05:00.004+01:00

Well, having not scrapped much for the past month my mojo has definately returned, unfortunately the time to scrap hasn't been as forthcoming.

However, I have managed to make some more boxes for the teachers which I think were appreciated (but you never know do you?) and with the encouragement of my fellow UKS'ers I have made some copies of the Prima beauty marks to use.

This LO is one using just this item, which is a picture I took of my DD whilst on holiday this year.

We were waiting for the "boys" to finish buying stuff and she was sat on the grass outside Universal Studios, the sun was shining and for once, she was in a happy mood.

So I thought bright colours to go with this and I think it worked out well.

I used various flowers that I have acquired over the past week or so (dont ask, I am just addicted), Bazzil bling, thickers for the title and I used the Bazzil Stitches template for the sewn flower (which as a major non sewer is a huge accomplishment). The edging strips I bought in the US and am really pleased with them with this LO. Even my DH said he liked it!!!

The second LO is of Xmas Day at home about 3 years ago, we had purchased a chocolate fountain and the kids so wanted to use it. It was a lot of fun but very very messy.

Again I used a flower (3 different parts of 3 different prima flowers to co-ordinate with the paper), the flowers down the side are a felt strip in white which I coloured using my chalk ink pads, the paper is one of the QVC papers i recently bought and the journalling circle (never used one of these before either) was inked at the edges to match. Again thickers are used for the title.

The last LO I did this week was more to put my DS1 off the scent than because I needed to do this LO (although I love the photo and the finished product). As you know I am doing an album for DS1's 18th and I think he may have guessed as all the large LO's have been of his siblings, therefore I thought if I did this one of him then he may not be as concerned (and it worked!!)

I used the new K&Co new awning papers, a bazzil edge that I used my acrylic paint dabber on and K&C matching accessories (including "love") on a Bazzil 12x12. Again the thickers came out for the main title.

I am really enjoying my crafting at the moment (although not the tidying up every night) and my credit card has gone into hiding now because having spent and spent and spent, I am on a serious stash diet. I am not allowed to buy anything else until my stock has gone down, so either I craft like mad or I just don't look at what is out there!!!!

And there's more!!!

2008-07-18T00:15:00.006+01:00

Ok, I am on a roll, having not scrapped for about a month I have got mojo back.

This layout is of my daughter back in 2004.

I used papers from the QVC pack I have just bought and some papermania embellishments I bought in a sale today.

This layout is entitled Shhhh!

The next layout is also of my daughter, fast asleep in a wash basket!!!! We did provide a bed (it's under the basket!!)

I used the BG Two Scoops papers and letters for this on Bazzill Bling card. I added velvet ribbon and Doodlebugs crushed velvet brads which i think compliment this well.

Hopefully the next time I blog I will have collected my son who has been away with school for 10 days and will have some wonderful photos to scrap.

And now for something a little crafty

2008-07-17T23:52:00.008+01:00

Well, seeing as I have to stay awake for quite a while tonight, in order to pick up my son from his school trip at 3am in the morning!! I thought i would do another blog post.

Having not been too crafty the last time I blogged I thought I would put the layouts that I can show (some were for my son's album which is now top secret because I think he has got wind of it!!) that i did at the retreat and a few done since I got home.

The first one is one that made me hold my breath when I did it becaue it involved tearing paper, sewing, eyeletting into the paper, setting gromlets and the photograph - i blame my co-leeds papers dolls for this - we were pushing each other to try something new during the retreat and this was my brave attempt.

I used the Bo Bunny papers and the Making Memories Gromlets that came with the BigBiteII

my eyelet setting, sewing, setting gromlets and tearing are shown better below

I then made a very special layout.

This was to celebrate the long wait I had until I was able to enrol my daughter as a brownie.

I think the journalling says it all.

This is an arrow that I inked and then covered with glossy accents (another first for me) and I am delighted with the way it turned out.

The next lo is one of the easiest i have done because I managed to get hold of the perfect paper for the photo which would mean very little work would be needed to make a clear and simple LO.

I stamped swirls over the edge of the photos to tie in with the paper and used thickers and stickers for the title. The date was done using my dymo

I will do a seperate post for the rest of the LO's.

A Wonderful Weekend

2008-07-17T16:24:00.002+01:00

Last weekend I was lucky enough to go on a retreat organised for the Leeds Paper Dolls by our amazing leader, Kirsty.

She had booked an adventure centre for us to stay in, in Alston, Cumbria and a local village hall to scrap in (which was next door to the pub!!). Below is the adventure centre.

We all arrived by 6pm and once we were settled in our rooms (thank you Alison for being a superb roomie) we headed to the pub!! We didn't have access to the village hall until 9pm so we ate a wonderful meal in the local pub (served by a wonderful chef who I swear was Anthony Worrell-Thompson's brother).

We set up our tables after dinner and we even managed a bit of scrapping before heading back to the centre.

Alison (below having the giggles) and I swore there was a ghost in our room when we heard knocking but no-one at the door. It turned out to be Kirsty and Hazel in the room below.

So like naughty schoolkids Alison and I headed off down the corridors to their room where we spent an evening filled with much laughter.

Up bright and early the following day, we arrived back at the hall for breakfast. Here we are busy as bees!! In the background is the wonderful Julie, who was our shop for the day - and did I manage to spend!!!

The weekend was filled with much hilarity and a little scrapping - some of my fellow paper dolls are indeed exceptionally talented scrappers and I am amazed how much I learnt this weekend.

And here are all the paper dolls who were able to attend the weekend - this photo took a lot of organising - and a multitude of cameras were lined up to take this shot. It was like having the paparazzi with us!!

I have to say that I have NEVER enjoyed a weekend away more than this, so much so that my ribs actually hurt when I came home from laughing so much. A special thanks goes to Kirsty for organising this wonderful weekend, to Lynn who travelled further than any of us to join the Paper Dolls, the Alison for being the best roomie a girl could want (and for not laughing at me trying to climb up to the top bunk) and to everyone of the 15 ladies who were there for the weekend, you are all wonderful.

I will upload some of my LO's soon that I did on the weekend or were inspired by the weekend.

Teachers present - a new idea

2008-07-06T17:55:00.003+01:00

So what do you do when your eldest son goes away for a week with school, you've finished packing your second son's case to go away on Wednesday, the weather is absolutely awful for July, you've done the housework ........................... you make a thank you present for your daughter's teacher.

An email this morning from TV Weekly (an americal internet show) with a great new idea - expandable boxes. So having had a look at it before work this morning, I decided that having not really scrapbooked for ages I would have a go at this.

And here is the result:

I have used some papers from the costco papers i bought a while back which I am loving along with some scraps of chipboard I found. The expander in the centre is made from some 12 x 12 card for the sides and some navy A4 card I had laying around.

I really enjoyed making this, it was a challenge but an enjoyable one, which although wasn't scrapping, was in it's own way and exceptionally theraputic experience and hopefully has got my mojo back (which is just as well as I am away next weekend with the Leeds Paper Dolls for a weekend retreat!!)

I Won

2008-07-04T16:42:00.003+01:00

Well, what a lovely surprise and start to the weekend. We had had a parcel delivered yesterday but we weren't in so it was taken back to the PO. I went to collect it today very puzzled as I had nothing on order that I could think of (well I have but not due to arrive yet!!). I opened it once home and although the contents were wonderful I was sure I hadn't ordered it!! Once I re-read the packing label I realised I had won the monthly draw from 3 Jolly Scrappers (http://www.3jollyscrappers.com/catalog/index.php)

The papers are Imaginisce All Kinds of Happy

Chipboard letters are Lil Davies Designs, crochet flowers, ribbon is Heidi Swapp and the maltesers have been eaten by my daughter!!!!

I am off to a crop weekend next weekend run by the wonderful Kirsty of the Leeds Paper Dolls and these will be coming with me. I am really looking forward to it but not sure how I will get everything into the car - although I am trying to sort out the photos and put them with papers, I will still have to pack all of my ribbons, chipboard, thickers, brads, buttons, foam, sizzix/cuttlebug dies, stamps, inks etc etc etc

I also have to pack my new BIG BITE II which i have just received (ordered from QVC in a wonderful pink colour) and I am looking forward to getting time to use it.

I am hoping that the order I placed today will be here before I go away for some lovely ribbons and have lots of ideas to use them on my LO's.